How much should your partner earn....

[nonwonderwoman]

I have always been ambitious but my DH has outstripped my earnings by at least double check in the last 5 years.
This hasn't generally bothered me as I have earned well in the legal profession and developed an excellent reputation at work. However my DH has recently been awarded a salary of £215k + .
The feminist in me wants to keep going to work and building my reputation and professional life but the realist in me wonders whether to give up my job and start enjoying a simple life. ABUR?

For any other lawyers in the same situation - if pay isn’t an issue then the GLD is a brilliant and overlooked place to work.

I'm with @BigChocFrenzy on the point about wives not always having protection. One of my friends works in divorce law & said it's really common for men to hid money.

hide not hid

Being a mum isn't just a few school hours a year is it? It's collecting the kids after school, hearing about their days, seeing them in their (many) music shows, brownies presentations, football awards, parent evenings x2 each term etc.

Isn't being a dad about those things too?

I would absolutely at least go part time. 15 hours a week over 2 days.

Or I would at least drop down to 24 or so hours. My worry would be that if I didn't work my dh would be resentful of me not working and the dynamics of our relationship would change.

With that type of salary I would be wary of him becoming a billy big balls. And then finding another woman to complain to.

Thanks for so many thoughtful replies over night. Reading all these posts does confirm to me that I want to keep working, and maybe that is in a smaller role more local to schools (and removing the 2 hr commute each day) or just dropping a day. My DH has said he would be happy for me to do either (work or stay home). The warnings about having him resent me are pretty stark and I can see how that could lead to a marriage breakdown if the couple go down different life paths. My grandmother was ace - so very happy to follow her advice!

To answer a few posts-
My company are very flexible already as lots of my colleagues are working parents so there is no bums on seats culture here. More, get the job done in the hours that you need to do it. I don't work weekends or evenings so I do have downtime when back home.

Having a nanny definitely helps relieve the stress of collecting from schools and prepping dinner so I know I'm lucky in that respect and our nanny is lovely (been with us for 5 years) and the kids love her.

DH isn't partner level yet but that looks to be the next path for him and is something he wants to do. His salary will then go up further, but presumably so will the work load. Him doing part time probably isn't an option but he does try to work from home on a regular basis and he's actively involved in the kids - going to concerts and sports events in the afternoons when he can.

Perhaps I'll keep going for another year and then take that time to find something else that makes life simpler.

• Feminism was all well and good when women didn't have equal rights. It's outdated and irrelevant to still think about things in such terms.

Your DH earns a shit load of money, consequently, you don't have to work if you don't want to.

Stay at home, enjoy your life. If your relationship ever breaks down you'll get half of everything, including his pension. You're set for life.*

What a load of crap. OP's DH could die or become permanently disabled. They could lose all their money in a bad investment. OP's DH could leave and have 15 more children with 5 more wives who also "get half of everything".

Feminism's work is definitely not done. Have you seen equal pay stats? And men have not yet stepped up to take anywhere near their fair of the domestic burden. It's almost always women who make the work/childcare/rest of life trade off.

What a load of crap. OP's DH could die or become permanently disabled. They could lose all their money in a bad investment. OP's DH could leave and have 15 more children with 5 more wives who also "get half of everything

Totally agree. I think this person might be in for a hell of a shock if she is banking on this....

To me it’s more about what you enjoy and what you value. You do like what you do, and have built up a reputation, and that is valuable to you.

What I would also say is don't underestimate how much less stressful it is to work when you know you don't need to vs when you know you have to work to pay the mortgage that month. It takes away so much of the pressure and allows you the luxury of making choices (for example, to go into a less lucrative practice area or ones with less career progression because they interest you) and the knowledge that if it all goes to shit, you can just walk away.

The really sad thing about this thread is that not one person has said, look at your kids how are they? Do they like the holiday clubs and the nanny? Are they happy with their friends, do they need any extra support with their studies? Will they be happy with the situation?

I know theres a huge push at the moment to get both parents working but I truly believe a lot of children are getting a raw deal. Schools are full of fucked up kids that do not have enough support at home. I’m a card carrying feminist but I do think that a parent should be available to their kids. All this shit about the lazy bored SAHP is awful. Raising children is an important job and we need less of society reinforcing the message that it’s worthless.

I know from my own life there are lot of unhappy kids about while both parents are clueless. I see the problem is that childcare is massively undervalued. We should be supporting families to have enough resources to look after their children not criticising anyone who dares to take it seriously.

Yes there is a problem with pensions but the solution is not to have us all like fucking drones marching off to the workplace. Stop saying a parent at home is worthless, start saying how can we look after our kids better.

OP as you have a choice I would suggest you speak to your kids rather than mumsnet, they are the ones it effects.

Eh I would go part time at least. You still get to keep your job, it's something to keep you busy and your mind active, plus its a way to keep earning if you do split up. But you don't need to currently work full time. It's a bit pointless.

Isn't that all a bit contradictory? Stay working to keep mind and body active, but don't work because it's pointless?

But then I know and trust my dh and we have always been 100% in sharing our finances.

Every single woman who was left high and dry said this about their husbands too, don't insult their intelligence like that. You could just as easily be the same.

Stay at home, enjoy your life. If your relationship ever breaks down you'll get half of everything, including his pension. You're set for life.

Sure, what's a bit of pride and respect for yourself anyway?

Feminism was all well and good when women didn't have equal rights. It's outdated and irrelevant to still think about things in such terms. Your DH earns a shit load of money, consequently, you don't have to work if you don't want to. Stay at home, enjoy your life. If your relationship ever breaks down you'll get half of everything, including his pension. You're set for life.

Imagining the outcry if the male and female roles were reversed here.

You have enough money to work the hours you want in the job you want. That's what I'd do. Why not do legal consulting work or something niche part time as a contractor? That way you can have your cake and eat it! I wouldn't want to do full time either. It doeends how much flex there is in your job think.

Yes, the reason I say this is whiskybysidedoor. Because the real luxury nowadays is being there to really help your kids emotionally and intellectually, to foster their interests and encourage them. That doesn't need to equate to not working, but having some hours each day to be with them after school, to go to the important stuff, to help with homework. That to me would be worth some risk on my earning power if I was happy in my marriage.

If my partner earned that, I would cut down my hours so I could spend time with my daughter. I wouldn't quit completely. I would offer him the opportunity to pay more of the bills though!

Haha. Cool stealth boast. You have a rich fella. Well done.

My husband earns in this region. I am a SAHM. I am quite bored and I am extremely vulnerable if he decides to leave one day.

But he works 7am to 9.30 pm and there is no let up. We have no family close by to help out if I went back to work and the kids were ill. He would not be able to take time off. It's not even a question. My job would suffer.

I have essentially given up my career to facilitate his and I will be incandescent if he does ever piss off out of it!

Not sure what I'm saying here. There are downsides but I do lead a charmed and privileged life (I'm not bragging, hope it doesn't come across that way, it would be stupid to deny it). It comes down to what you would be happy with.

I shall await the flames.

But he works 7am to 9.30 pm and there is no let up. We have no family close by to help out if I went back to work and the kids were ill. He would not be able to take time off. It's not even a question. My job would suffer.

Get a nanny! Start a business! Or both.

I’m just imagining the screeching if the roles were reversed. If a woman had achieved such a high salary and said her husband was planning to give up work, the cries of “cocklodger” and LTB would be heard on the moon. Not one person would be remotely interested in his pension provisions or whether he felt fulfilled, just outraged that he felt he could ”live off” a well paid woman. I wonder why this is still the default position? If a woman wants to give up work, she’s automatically going to be a wonderful SAHM and she “deserves” it, and a man is supposed to fund that lifestyle. There will never be any sort of equality while this attitude is all-pervasive.

When DS was little and I went back to work after ML we ended up feeling that DS was already living the working life we were. His nursery was near my office so he did the commute, he was one of the last children to be picked up due to my hours and had the same restricted work holidays (not the extended school holidays) we had.

We were looking at how we could change things when I suddenly got made redundant, so the decision was partly made for us. I became a SAHM. No more juggling and stress when DS was poorly (we only needed to be stressed that he was ill not about who was going to look after him). We had no family support as they all lived at least 100 miles from us and some were still working.

DS loved that I could do the school run, could make all the school activities that parents were invited to. I volunteered at the school, I still do even though DS left 4 years ago.

It meant DS could be home in the school holidays relaxing or going to places of our choice. He did sometimes do holiday club but we would arrange it for days when some of his friends would be there, so it was more like a play date. Life was a lot more relaxed than it used to be.

We don’t have as much money as we could have done if we had both worked all the time through DS’s childhood but we are lucky enough to have enough income to have a comfortable life.

When you have really high incomes I think you get used to throwing money at any issues, so you outsource most things including childcare but you sometimes lose sight of the simple things you are missing out on.

The really sad thing about this thread is that not one person has said, look at your kids how are they? Do they like the holiday clubs and the nanny? Are they happy with their friends, do they need any extra support with their studies? Will they be happy with the situation?

Not a single person has asked whether the DH should change careers to be more present in their children's lives. It's double standards. Pure and simple. It's also a kick in the teeth for single parents and families who have two working parents by necessity.