AIBU to think the sunflower lanyards aren't to be used as an excuse to be a lazy parent

[Namechange2715]

At a science museum today with my 2 LOs. It was manic (obviously) as half term. Lots of boisterous children (mine no exception) so I was watching them closely in a building area with large lego blocks (think the giant ones). Little boy about 4 running around causing carnage, wallopping kids with blocks, destroying all the kids building and at one point beating up a very patient older boy by pulling his t-shirt etc.
I kept watch to make sure my kids weren't trying to join in with the mayhem and also wondering where the kids parents were but no one seemed to be looking out at all. About 15 minutes into the chaos Mum called LO over and threw a sunflower lanyard around his neck before merrily sending him off to play again and she resumed her seat away from play area to continue chatting to her mates, oblivious to the whole thing.
I'm pretty fuming really that these lanyards seem to just be thrown round kids necks as if to say "oh yes my little darling has additional needs so excuse them just beating the crap out of everyone". Surely this isn't the point of them! I recognise they are there for a very important message that the child may have hidden disabilities and needs and to try and be more accommodating but surely if you are aware your kid is going to be like this in certain situations you'd keep more of a close watch over things.
Believe me I am no angel parent or helicopter Mum. My kids can be little shits as much as the next kid, hence why I keep watch in places I know it might kick off. But this Mum today just seemed to make a mockery of the whole sunflower lanyard system?!

I never let me son with asd out of my sight when our abs about and around other children as he doesn’t understand the rules but I am doing my best to help him observe them and I never want to risk Someone else who doesn’t understand telling him off angrily. I think most parents of kids with ASC are hyper vigilant . I never sit back ever. I think this was a. Unfortunate incident but not all
Parents of children with additional needs who put them in lanyards should be tarred with the same brush.

OP is right!
SN does not excuse lazy parenting. If he did have SN then mum should have been watching him closely.

Whatever his needs it does not excuse hurting other children! Children need to be taught to manage their needs-any decent Senco in a school will tell you that.

Not all children will have the cognitive ability to control their behaviour despite chronological age.

But in that circumstance it is the caregivers responsibility to provide that control and support.

But yes completely judging the Mum as when is it actually acceptable to knowingly let your child do that to other kids?

One thing to consider... had the mother been watching and allowing it "knowingly" or was she far away and "oblivious" of what her child was actually doing? You've said both but they can't both be true, or not at the same time anyway. You did ask what you said that made me call you prejudiced, well another sign of prejudice is trying to have it both ways and arguing two contradictory things at once.

I do believe your report of what happened, what her child was doing, and that no-one spoke to the mother. But all the rest is either supposition or contradictory. Some parents know their child needs to be kept a close eye on, others don't realise until after trouble happens a few times, diagnosed SN or not. We'll never know the truth of that. But you could at least straighten out in your own mind whether you are sure she had seen any of what her child was doing or not.

People who try to avoid confrontation can say and do the very things that confirm their fears, and fail to do the things that challenge their fears. If you'd spoken to her she might even have proved your fears wrong. There is a huge difference in the reaction you're likely to get between "your little boy has hurt the big boy who is playing with him and he's throwing big bricks around, it's not safe, can you deal" and "you are a lazy parent using a lanyard as an excuse". The second is extremely confrontational and so it brought exactly the response you fear. You can't use that to retroactively justify your fears about saying something quite different!

A museum that runs children's events will have policies for what to do if a child is hurting or endangering other children. If necessary they would ask her to remove her child, in the worst case they would probably tell all the other parents to take their kids out and then get her to collect hers. Disability, lanyards etc are irrelevant to that. It's just your own assumption that because he has a disability then no-one will be allowed do anything about it. In truth you sound more worried about what the mother might have said to you than what might happen to the other children.

So have a think about it - just who has been making excuses for doing nothing?

@AmaryllisNightAndDay You've made some very valid points - thank you. I actually have no idea of what the Mum was upto as before she appeared 15 minutes in I had no clue who the child was with. The lady who tried to stop the child was looking around for some help (or someone) and raised her voice enough that some parents looked over but the mother didn't appear at this point. But you make a valid point that the mother may not realise her child is behaving this way in situations, and so forth maybe if I had spoken to her it would have helped. It was one of those situations where hindsight is a wonderful thing. I wasn't really close enough to have spoken to her (without bounding across to her which may have looked rather confrontational) and she did disappear quite quickly again. I definitely did not feel confident enough to wade into the parents who were sat collectively not really watching their kids properly (a group of friends perhaps) and saying something. As you said though by not speaking up and then getting some of these responses on here it did affirm my belief that trying to speak to another parent is often met with a bashing. However as you said I wouldn't have gone over and used the same tone that I did in my original message on here.

The parents should’ve kept an eye on the kids

Ds is autistic and I’m not keen at all on this lanyard thing anyway but certainly not on it being misused like this.

Ds struggles to go out anywhere during busy times so we change plans to accomodate his needs

Hhmm, I'm really not sure about Sunflower lanyards. Two of my children are diagnosed autistic and we don't have the lanyards, mainly because I don't want to them to be treated differently or for other people to have expectations about them. I possibly would consider using them in an airport, as they both get highly anxious in unfamiliar surroundings, but I worry that people will think I'm taking the piss and that I'm being a chancer. I would prefer it if you had to show diagnosis letter to get one, or have a letter from GP or something, like you do to get the passes at theme parks (which I'm also don't use).

@Chienloup, I only use the lanyard at airports, it just simplifies the conversation, on the theme parks, you should consider using the passes, they really aren’t that much of an advance, you still have to wait, just not in the queue, and some parks started having sensory rooms, the little breaks allow us to stay a bit longer. It’s not being a chancer, is using the tools available.

As you said though by not speaking up and then getting some of these responses on here it did affirm my belief that trying to speak to another parent is often met with a bashing.
You see OP if you had a child with additional needs you'd have developed rhino skin to this sort of nonsense years ago.

However as you said I wouldn't have gone over and used the same tone that I did in my original message on here.

Why not use the same tone if you are so sure your original post is so valid and so correct?

You see OP if you had a child with additional needs you'd have developed rhino skin to this sort of nonsense years ago.

Or maybe you haven't developed a thick skin, and people starting this sort of thread puts you off using the help you need.

I worry that people will think I'm taking the piss and that I'm being a chancer.

Worrying about what strangers in an airport think will drive you mad. You cannot live to please other people, because there are a few a people who think everyone is a chancer, disabled or not. There are people who imagine they can look at a total stranger and just know if they are chancers or not, who imagine that if a child looks ordinary and can talk then they can't have a disability.

And that's why I hate it when people start threads like this. These threads make many parents of children with disabilities feel anxious, that other people are judging them, that they don't dare try anything with their child or make a mistake because other people will think they are lazy or aggressive or whatever else if it all goes tits-up, that they have to justify themselves and explain why they are good parents and prove to randoms that they deserve that lanyard or whatever else. We don't need that stress. And it's all just so horrible. (I actually tried to get this thread deleted early on but the mods didn't.)

Anyway, rant over.

Do what works for you and for your children. You be the judge of what your children need. I don't think you need a lanyard to get special assistance at airports, it just saves you having to explain things to different people and possibly stops staff asking daft questions.

AnaryllisNightandDay I completely agree and think parents of children with additional needs do not need this sort of attack. It’s half term and I really struggle as I do at weekends or when it’s raining to feel comfortable going to any children’s’ activities or places and I have two small children so the neurtypical one missed out too. This is because everywhere becomes busy and it is hard to manage and I am painfully aware of the scrutiny of others who have no idea how hard I am parenting every second of the day. If we stay at home it’s hard too because my children have so much energy and my son has sensory needs which means he will
Jump and throw . Autism specific or “relaxed performances” are not helpful as they tend to be at 9 am during term time and relaxed performances do not exclude those without autistic children and often many in the theatre are unaware of what a “ relaxed performance “ is actually meant to mean so I have been told off and my son shushed at one. OP it’s really hard enough , we are isolated and excluded enough without posts like yours.

You have no idea about why he may need one, or the circumstances
YABU and judgy.

Oh stop it, it doesnt matter why a child needs or, no excuse for the parent to actually parent.

I think the point the op is making, is that the lanyards are supposed to be worn in places where the wearer might need assistance, not as a sort of "I'm not neuro typical" badge and the parent can walk off and leave their supervision to someone else. If the parent takes them somewhere, they should be with them, looking after them, and keeping an eye on them, as you would expect any parent to do.