AIBU to think the sunflower lanyards aren't to be used as an excuse to be a lazy parent

[Namechange2715]

At a science museum today with my 2 LOs. It was manic (obviously) as half term. Lots of boisterous children (mine no exception) so I was watching them closely in a building area with large lego blocks (think the giant ones). Little boy about 4 running around causing carnage, wallopping kids with blocks, destroying all the kids building and at one point beating up a very patient older boy by pulling his t-shirt etc.
I kept watch to make sure my kids weren't trying to join in with the mayhem and also wondering where the kids parents were but no one seemed to be looking out at all. About 15 minutes into the chaos Mum called LO over and threw a sunflower lanyard around his neck before merrily sending him off to play again and she resumed her seat away from play area to continue chatting to her mates, oblivious to the whole thing.
I'm pretty fuming really that these lanyards seem to just be thrown round kids necks as if to say "oh yes my little darling has additional needs so excuse them just beating the crap out of everyone". Surely this isn't the point of them! I recognise they are there for a very important message that the child may have hidden disabilities and needs and to try and be more accommodating but surely if you are aware your kid is going to be like this in certain situations you'd keep more of a close watch over things.
Believe me I am no angel parent or helicopter Mum. My kids can be little shits as much as the next kid, hence why I keep watch in places I know it might kick off. But this Mum today just seemed to make a mockery of the whole sunflower lanyard system?!

so many parents simply can’t or won’t discipline their child simply because they have additional needs

Yeah. Soooooo many

Or maybe there are good parents and bad parents and some of the bad parents happen to have children with additional needs and wouldn't be applying proper boundaries even if their child was NT.

The vast majority of parents I've met, of both NT children and SN children, are doing the best they can with the options available to them and hoping they don't fuck it up too badly. I've met barely a handful who actively can't be bothered to parent their children or who they to "hide behind the label" (autism isn't a label by the way, it's a medical diagnosis).

I agree that aLanyard is dangerous in a group physical play setting.

My DS has a hidden disability and I was really shocked I didn't have to show a diagnosis letter or letter from his specialist to get the lanyard.

We only use ours when going through security at airports as DS has tons of medical equipment that can not be put through the X-ray machine, also he can't go through a full body scanner due to an attached medical device on him.

I think it gives the staff a heads up, they are more understanding and patient I've found.
He however, absolutely hates wearing it and moans until he can take it off.

Of course they shouldn’t be used as an excuse to be a lazy parent.

Some parent of disabled children are a bit crap, some are brilliant....sometimes it looks the same. That said it sounds like she wasn’t being great. So what? Not a sunflower lanyard issue. Not a disability issue.

my 15 year old autistic son is into Rammstein and Slipnot, can’t see him wearing a flowery lanyard anytime soon

I have two with autism plus other additional needs, we don't do sunflower lanyards, partially because it's absolutely obviously from watching them for a minute to two that they have additional needs plus as others have mentioned it's not safe to put things around their neck.

I did take the boys to the local science centre at the start of this week, doesn't sound like the same one (no giant Lego). I had two other adults with me, one to one with my older son and two to one with my younger. Neither child is a risk to other children, more an annoyance, they have no awareness of taking turns or not stepping in front of another child who is trying to use the equipment or will take something out another child's hand while they are using it. Whichever adult with them monitor's their social behaviour and makes sure they are behaving appropriately with regard to turn taking and personal space. Mainly though it's to stop them escaping or injuring themselves.

I'm definitely aware of SEN parents who use their child's additional needs to excuse behaviour that really should be corrected or who will take advantage of things their child really doesn't need just for an easy life. To give an example, both my children have a broadly similar diagnosis. We have never accessed any sort of queue jump option with my older son because he can queue. He is not overly happy about it and will get agitated about waiting but he can wait so we decided it would be better preparation for the future if he learned that sometimes you have to queue. This has been a successful strategy so far for him, with pre planning he can queue.

My younger son absolutely cannot queue, being able to miss the queue is the difference between doing the activity or not. In the science centre queue for example he had to be restrained by two adults as he headbutted us and we tried to ensure he didn't accidentally hit any nearby children while thrashing around. Luckily a kind staff member allowed us to bypass the queue as we had already purchased tickets.

It's frustrating seeing families with children who have needs similar or less than my older son claiming their child absolutely needs every accommodation that can be provided going on to do activities we could never dream of with my younger son because he really does have those needs and not just when it will let us skip the queue. He has those needs the whole day out, he has them when we need an extra adult to guard the exit, when we need drop everything and chase him, when we need to physically restrain him as he headbutts the floor and he has those needs when we have to give up and leave after an hour because today is just not the day for it.

Unfortunately due to the number of people asking for special consideration more places are starting to say they no longer do it because too many people are using it.

I think it’s really bad to use your single personal experience to tarnish all kids with the lanyards. It is so hard as a parent of a child with additional needs to get some understanding without having to talk in depth about your child’s needs and the lanyards are a really helpful signpost. Just because one mother had her eye off her child and was not parenting as she should be you cannot use this to say it’s related to the lanyard ahd it’s something people use to get away with this behaviour. Really unfair considering the few tools us parents of children with additional needs have to flag our child’s condition.

I agree the parent shouldn't have left the child with SEN unsupervised and acting inappropriately.

However I really dislike your tone. If you had actually spoken up today and asked the parent to supervise their child, you would have done a helpful and reasonable thing. But "fuming" on here about "little shits" is just nasty.

Your comment about the parent wanting 30 mins for a break, but "don't we all want that" shows how little care and thought you've really put into it. Parenting a special needs child is exhausting and we face struggles you may never encounter in your life. If you really do want to support SEN kids and their parents, then please give more thought to your tone and how it may land in others' ears. Instead, find the courage to respectfully speak up in the moment when you feel something needs righting.

It's threads just like this that deter me from a) even bothering with these sort of lanyards/other forms of labelling my SEND child and b) taking my SEND child to anywhere such as the science museum.

Sounds like for the moment of the day you witnessed the parent was not in gear. that's a given. But you have judged her on that, with no idea what her journey there was like, what it even took to get the child out the house, there and what is going through her mind as she knows only too well the remainder of the day holds, despite possibly her best laid-plans and efforts. But you decide based on the two minutes you witnessed which was I 'd bet the first time she has sat still or stopped for breath since 5am this morning.

And based on this, you question a system which has been designed to support parents just like her in accessing places like this - as if this is some form of indulgence, as opposed to a desperate need.

It's easier to stay at home with SEND children it really is, but we all try because occasionally it's a success that you cherish as those moments that are de rigour for you and your children OP are rare for parents like me. We take a gamble every time we try, nervy of the mayhem our child may or may not cause, the public and violent meltdowns they night display and the judgement that inevitably comes from parents like you, oblivious to the fact that sometimes it's not as simple as being a lazy parent, it's something we deal with umpteen times a day, regardless of our parenting skills and efforts.

But just a heads up, those rare parents who pop over to chat to me, even if it's because I have removed my child away from yours, as opposed to ignoring or glaring at us can make a world of difference to what can be a lonely, isolated and deeply stressful, relentless existence. Would have taken you half the time it took you to write your post.

Half-term does not represent fun and excitement for me and many other families like mine, it represents a devastating change of routine, our mights are sleepless and what to you is a routine treat or trip requires the planning capabilities of the military. Threads such as this tell me staying home this week was the right thing to do sadly. I can contain things here without the constant butterflies in my stomach and the nagging in the back of my head trying to pre-empt what fresh hell might come next.

A bit of kindness and understanding that not everybody's life is as perfect and black and white as yours would carry far more resonance and than any lanyard ever could.

As a parent of a slightly older send child I find lanyards invaluable. My child is learning how to shop and order in cafes herself and makes mistakes and doesn’t follow thesocial norms. A few weeks ago we introduced a lanyard for her, this one is specifically to help her speech.
Suddenly it’s opened up the world to her a bit more. Shop workers see the lanyard and give her more time, encouragement and support than would ever happen before this. It’s meant that things that seemed out of her reach before now she is managing, purely because people are understanding there’s a need there rather than making assumptions or judging. I would encourage others to try them for hidden disabilities.
That’s how it’s worked for us (haven’t rtft so sorry if this point doesn’t have much relevance)

@Namechange1946873

Wow. Just. Wow.

I have to second what @doubleshotespresso has very cleverly and articulately written here.

In the light of the true impact of cruel, throw away comments on social media, judgement and unkindness being brought to the forefront in recent events .. could you have just not paused for a damn second and wondered if your blatant vitriol was really necessary???

Did you really HAVE to be so blastedly unpleasant about a situation regarding a family of total strangers of whom you know literally nothing about - on a platform that as a mother, there is some small chance she may see what you've said.

You have NO idea whet led to her checking out and being less than your ideal standard for that short window of time you glanced rather judgingly into her life and yet you feel totally justified in spewing your condemnation of her lapse in perfection for all and sundry!!

Perhaps she came to MN tonight to post about the shit day she had with her SN child and how badly she handled him, or that he relationship is going down the pan, or she's feeling suicidally unable to carry on. And instead she finds your post.

What has anyone gained from your post? From
Your sitting there and judging her horrible moment? Name me one thing literally anyone person has gained from your nastiness??

I can name countless things to have been gained by you giving her a smile, or an understanding eye roll, or saying hello, asking if she's ok or making a little jesty comment about her spirited child and opening an a dialogue in which she could have related to you and you her .. there would have been gains to lots of people had you come to MN and posted about the situation in a non judgemental manner, asking how people may have handled this .. not the eye rolling bitch fest that is this thread!!

So yeah in that moment she was a bit shit, her kid was being a pain in everyone's arse but I'd wager there was zero malicious intent to any of it and she's feeling deeply ashamed right now .. you've wilfully come to a public forum, slagged her off and gathered a mob with pitch forks all with deeply malicious intent to shame parents with SN kids that don't always have things locked down.

For the record .. I'd rather contend with her and her 'little shit' than you Every. Damn. Time

Unfortunately due to the number of people asking for special consideration more places are starting to say they no longer do it because too many people are using it.

That sounds like organisations making excuses. Very few places used to offer "special consideration" in years gone by, the lanyards are part of a move towards acceptance but a lot of organisations only want to make the right noises. "Special consideration" are not limited so much by numbers needing them but by willingness to adapt.

It's frustrating seeing families with children who have needs similar or less than my older son

You can't really know that most of the time. You can't judge a child's needs just by looking. And it isn't a competetion. It must also be frustrating to know that your child could have a great time just like any other child if he could only do it without having to queue, that no-one would have to guard the exit or chase after him, but that just the effects of having to queue rule the whole activity out.

A poor older lady (with oxygen tubing and such like) did try and tell them off and say to stop and the kid just chucked a brick at her head so she scuttled away!

If the sunflower lanyard serves no other purpose it should at least warn random adults to speak to the mother if her child is misbehaving, and not try to intervene directly with the child. Surely wearing a lanyard lets other people know they don't know what they might be dealing with.

I had no idea about sunflower lanyards and i have a child with an ASD diagnosis. Maybe it's more for young kids?

Regarding the Disney thing - we actually were given a slimmed down report by the lady who diagnosed DS which is just for use at places like theme parks. We have never used it as he is fine in queues. Everyone always says I am mad for not taking advantage so clearly I'm in the minority and most would jump the queues even if it wasnt necessary!

I had no idea about sunflower lanyards and i have a child with an ASD diagnosis. Maybe it's more for young kids?

No. It's for everyone

DD uses a lanyard because she can't always understand social cues and can lash out if she feels trapped. She finds supermarkets particularly stressful (its the noises apparently) and crowded places.

I watch her more closely than I do my other child because yes ok, she has a reason her behaviour is not always perfect but letting her get in a syaye isn't good for her or anyone near her.

No, it's for everyone
Exactly, nothing to do with being for kids.
I've only recently become aware of them - I saw a sign in Sainsburys saying they had sunflower lanyards available if needed, and me being me when I got home went home and googled them as I'd never heard of them.
They're for anyone with a "hidden" disability and I remember thinking "what a great idea."

Everyone always says I am mad for not taking advantage so clearly I'm in the minority and most would jump the queues even if it wasnt necessary!

Nobody's forcing you to use it... but if your child has a disability then there is probably extra stress and effort for you and him in taking him out, and maybe you don't get to take him out as much as other kids. So if avoiding the queues makes it easier and more fun for him and less stressful for you, then I for one would have no problem with you skipping the queues even if your DS doesn't have a specific problem with queueing.

I have an autistic son who is 5. I watch him like a hawk when out and about. The mother clearly was an arse. That type of behaviour is not acceptable regardless of any disability and it's down to the parent to bloody well police that.

DS has certainly had his moments when out and about, it turns out it is ASD. He looks very "normal" and would just look bratty to bystanders when he has reached the point of being overwhelmed. ASD is a reason why he struggles, but it's not an excuse to absolve me from parenting him in those situations.

I can see the benefits of a lanyard. We were in a similar type of place earlier in the week and something similar was avaliable. DS was on good form and I was armed with strategies like the ear defenders to help him keep functioning if necessary. If it had been later in the day and he'd shown signs of his mood being fragile, I'm sure his brother (his usual scapegoat) would be very grateful at being able to fast-track queues when DS1's reached his threshold.

Identifying that your child is not behaving appropriately, sticking the lanyard on and leaving them to run amock is not the point of them at all. (I've done plenty of meltdown removals, and leaving him in the stressful situation is not good for him or anyone else)

@ahenderson270

She didn't call the child in question a little shit, she made a tongue in cheek reference about her own kids and how they can be ‘little shits’ so as to show she knows kids aren’t perfect and can behave terribly at times. She’s explained this twice. Read the thread.

"so many parents simply can’t or won’t discipline their child simply because they have additional needs"

I'll correct this for you. Some parents don't attempt to manage their child's behaviour. Some of those parents have a child with additional needs.

My child has a diagnosis since he was 3 and I've spent a lot of time with other families with diagnosed children so I know this.

It's a diagnosis not a "label."

Additional needs or not no one should be letting their child intimidate or hurt others. They should be removing that child from the situation

*so many parents simply can’t or won’t discipline their child simply because they have additional needs"

I'll correct this for you. Some parents don't attempt to manage their child's behaviour. Some of those parents have a child with additional needs. *

Thank-you- it's not always the case of children with special needs being poorly behaved. Same as those of us with SEND children are not always "lazy parents". An awfully large chunk of people posting on this thread have overlooked this badly, but it's always the same posters commenting and judging on a snapshot moment that indicates as parent to a special needs child you're immediately inferior anyway.

@atomicblonde

Ahh well that makes all her nasty judgemental bullying of a stranger having a bleak moment ok then 🙄

so many parents simply can’t or won’t discipline their child simply because they have additional needs

I disagree. Some parents just won't discipline their children full stop, regardless of additional needs.