AIBU to think the sunflower lanyards aren't to be used as an excuse to be a lazy parent

[Namechange2715]

At a science museum today with my 2 LOs. It was manic (obviously) as half term. Lots of boisterous children (mine no exception) so I was watching them closely in a building area with large lego blocks (think the giant ones). Little boy about 4 running around causing carnage, wallopping kids with blocks, destroying all the kids building and at one point beating up a very patient older boy by pulling his t-shirt etc.
I kept watch to make sure my kids weren't trying to join in with the mayhem and also wondering where the kids parents were but no one seemed to be looking out at all. About 15 minutes into the chaos Mum called LO over and threw a sunflower lanyard around his neck before merrily sending him off to play again and she resumed her seat away from play area to continue chatting to her mates, oblivious to the whole thing.
I'm pretty fuming really that these lanyards seem to just be thrown round kids necks as if to say "oh yes my little darling has additional needs so excuse them just beating the crap out of everyone". Surely this isn't the point of them! I recognise they are there for a very important message that the child may have hidden disabilities and needs and to try and be more accommodating but surely if you are aware your kid is going to be like this in certain situations you'd keep more of a close watch over things.
Believe me I am no angel parent or helicopter Mum. My kids can be little shits as much as the next kid, hence why I keep watch in places I know it might kick off. But this Mum today just seemed to make a mockery of the whole sunflower lanyard system?!

Leave, not live, arghh

Nobody's forcing you to use it... but if your child has a disability then there is probably extra stress and effort for you and him in taking him out

But he doesn't. Everyone assumes an asd diagnosis means life is more tricky. It was when he was in primary school but now there's not much difference between him and his peers. Remember autism is a spectrum. And i would not consider my son disabled.

We were at the Science Museum yesterday, too. All the bad behaviour I saw was from hatchet-faced harridans using prams as battering rams, tbh.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay by staff members if you mean the poor 18 year old looked frazzled by 5.30 pm then yes, I could have asked one of them to step in, although what they would have done I do not know as someone else did try to intervene and was hit in the process.

I'm not sure where my point got so screwed that it has turned into somehow I'm being prejudge towards disabilities and their carers. Again where did I say this? To say as humans we don't judge others is a complete farce and untruth. Everyone does it everyday, all the time. Count all the threads on here. Just because you are part of a minority group does not make you an exception to the rules of society. As some others have pointed out how is turning a blind eye to people's additional needs helpful or constructive to them in the long term. At some point in their lifetime there is an expectation to teach right from wrong.
And yes, this thread has turned into a sweeping generalision of all AN parents which was never the intention. And thankfully most of the comments are from people saying this is not what they have witnessed the lanyards being used for.
But in your opinion what was the message that parent was trying to get across yesterday by putting the lanyard onto her child? Because I am confused. If it is to be used for help in situations such as queues and stressful situations then how is it appropriate to put it on in a soft play when the child had no visible discomfort (and if he did would she have not removed him from the situation). Therefore isn't the lanyard being inappropriatly used (the whole actual point of the thread).

YANBU. I have twin toddlers with ASD. I would never let them just run around causing carnage while I sat and had a chat - just the thought of it is so stressful.

But he doesn't. Everyone assumes an asd diagnosis means life is more tricky.

Well, that's great then. But for many people it is harder, and it's good to have the option. I don't think you're "mad" not to use it, I do get the point of treating your DC like any other when you can... but the parents who make a different decision from yours aren't wrong either.

Definitely sounds like lazy parenting.

My adult son has additional needs. I have decided not to get him a sunflower lanyard at all because I dont want him being identified as vulnerable to people who might take advantage.

oohnicevase. You are completely describing my experience as well.
My child has autism and severe learning disability, has also never once pushed, hit, kicked, bitten etc another person.
I also have made sure they know right from wrong and supervise them at all times, yesterday it can be done. You may have to do it differently to others but it can be done.

I also have become fed up with other parents of children with SN just letting their children do whatever they like and just blaming it on SN. We have also had to stop attending SN groups as parents were allowing their children to hurt others and thinking it was ok.

@starfishmummy, I am not sure I would let him use the lanyard if I wasn’t there to be honest, but he doesn’t go anywhere unsupervised yet, that’s food though for the future

@ahenderson270 wow you have described me so well. You obviously have a camera in my home at this very moment, sitting here watching me clutch at my pearls. You actually know nothing of my situation or background and fortunately so wrong but yep, keep banging the drum.

@ahenderson270 your actually making this post very personal and bullying towards myself, to use these sweeping generalisions towards me is unfair and unprovoked. I have not been rude or name called you of anyone else. The only person being aggressive and rude is yourself. Dressing that as defending minorities is actually worse that the discussion I am trying to have about lanyards. Again, take a look at the words and directions you are aiming at me, the sweeping generalisions your hitting me with and think about how your comments are hurting me, or do I not count as I am just an "Internet troll"

@Namechange2715 you're right but what I do know is that when you sat there and faced a spectrum of ways you could deal with this you chose the shitty end.

You could have:

done or said nothing

Smiled at her, offered some silent visual support

Spoken to staff

Spoken to her

Talked to your friends or family

Posted on your Facebook because let's face she was far less likely to see it on there

Come here and without ever mentioning someone else without their knowledge or opportunity to defend themselves, or offer an explanation, risen your concerns for the potential of abuse the lanyard scheme has.

You chose to write a scathing post that would be incredibly identifiable for the person your slagging off without recourse .. and then proven you would have been more than capable of the previous option and instead of owning that, acknowledging you've been unfair or unkind unnecessarily you've defended yourself by carrying on with the passive aggressive snide remarks.

And this parent who had a lax moment is the issue with society 🙄🧐

@Namechange2715 and yet I didn't start an anonymous post about you, I confronted you about your behaviour leaving you with the opportunity to offer an explanation..

I've challenged you, stood my ground and refused to be swept away with passive aggressive' you don't know me statements .. I might have been direct, unyielding and firm with you but in my opinion that's still not as unkind or unfair as doing it behind your back under the guise of 'raising a legit concern'

if you mean the poor 18 year old looked frazzled by 5.30 pm then yes, I could have asked one of them to step in although what they would have done I do not know as someone else did try to intervene and was hit in the process.

They could have spoken to the mother or called a senior member of staff or security to speak to her. I hope they wouldn't have tried to intervene directly with the child, that's a dangerous thing to do and well outside the job spec.

To say as humans we don't judge others is a complete farce and untruth. Everyone does it everyday, all the time.

In our heads. Not necessarily in public on the Internet.

@yellowbutterfly

Yes exactly .. interesting to come across a parent of a child with autism who doesn't want to change the world to fit their child but accepts that their child needs to conform ( at least a little ) my son doesn't have autism but goes to a sn school .. it's unusual in my experience .. I don't worry about other families but I often look at them and wonder how it will all turn out! 🙈

I'm not sure where my point got so screwed that it has turned into somehow I'm being prejudge towards disabilities and their carers. Again where did I say this?

Nobody ever says they are prejudiced. Read your own thread title - mind firmly made up about that mother already.

Anyway, at least you know what to do now if it happens again.

My son has asd and I've never heard of a sunflower lanyard . Wouldn't have had a clue until today

My child has autism and severe learning disability, has also never once pushed, hit, kicked, bitten etc another person.

Mine aren’t aggressive either and have never hurt anyone other than accidentally (one broke my nose while jumping up and down, complete accident).

However, I know about mum with a child with ASD the same age who has started biting other children. She’s not a worse parent than me, it’s just how things have progressed for her child. I’m lucky that my two, both of whom have oral sensory seeking compulsion, prefer to chew on objects than bite people. It’s nothing I’ve done to create that difference.

The only criticism you can pass is knowing that your child is aggressive and leaving them unsupervised when that’s not necessary (eg i can’t be constantly on top of both twins at the same time so there are times I have to let one continue jumping off furniture because the other needs changing or immediate attention). I wouldn’t do that whether my children were aggressive or not because I worry about their safety and the safety of others.

But you can’t criticise a parent because their child’s ASD-related behaviours are more aggressive than yours. I thank my lucky stars that mine aren’t aggressive (yet) because I have no clue how I would manage

I also know how absolutely awful if it is to be doing something bog standard for your child’s age and have everyone staring at you because your child is behaving differently. It’s really really upsetting.

That doesn’t mean the parent in this situation acted appropriately, however.

My son has adhd and asd.

He isn't aggressive. He cries if he thinks he hurt someone and calls himself horrific names.

He can get boisterous like all kids can but it's up to me as his parent to nip it in the bud before it ends in disaster.

My son has autism and severe learning difficulties and doesn't know right from wrong. His cognitive functioning is less than 2 years old with an understanding of speech of only single words so I wouldn't expect him to.
There are things he is very unlikely to do because we have spent 14 years working on preventing or stopping them and he is very unlikely to hit or bite another child when with us because of the level of supervision we give him but no he doesn't understand right from wrong because he will never have that level of understanding.

Quite @Sinkgirl and age can have a big impact on behaviour ,my severely autistic son was the most placid child you could hope to meet until about 6 than he went through a horrible biting and scratching phase he would attack other children at his special school and we didn't know why as he's non verbal so much so he now has a 1:1 ,both school and i worked very hard to stop these behaviours but it was,nt due to my parenting that he started hurting other kids .

When he becomes distressed or frustrated he can be physical towards others but as his caregivers we make sure we are first in line for it.

I agree age is a factor. Placid toddlers with asd and or learning difficulties can become 'aggressive' when they become older and reach the usual toddler developmental stage at a later age. It can also ramp up again as puberty approaches.

@Rache49 I hope you don't mind me asking, I'm just curious... is "noise and space intolerant" part of a diagnosis or is it just as it is described, someone who is intolerant of noise and crowded/small places?