to wonder if our financial situation is ok?

[justkeepwondering]

Name change for this. I'm actually pretty sure IABU but wanted to get some other opinions.

Since having dc2 four years ago I've been a sahm although just over a year ago I started working a day or two a week when the work is there freelancing. I can't do more as I need to work around dh and if he is working loads it's good for me not to have a contract so I can have the kids full time.

Dh takes home 10-12k per month net. He pays for family holidays, days/nights out, anything to do with the house, all bills, all large car expenses. All his earnings go into a business account. He transfers an amount to his own personal account and to me each month. He transfers £1300 to me and with that I buy the food shopping, kids activities (2 dc), kids clothes/shoes/presents etc, mobile phone bill, petrol, card repayments, and general stuff for me such as meals out with friends, hair cuts, clothes etc.

Most months it is not enough. We do eat well and prioritise fresh food so our food bill is about £600 per month which I know is a lot but we also eat all of our meals at home. As the kids have got older days out/activities cost more plus lots of kids parties so presents for those, hair cuts, etc. Dh goes away with friends each year and I do as well but those costs would also come out of the £1300.

For the first few years if it wasn't enough I would use my credit card rather than ask for more so I ended up with about £4000 on cards. It's all interest free and is now about £2500 and I pay off about £100 per month.

Since joining Mumsnet a few years ago I started to think maybe this wasn't the norm so had a discussion with dh and he did up it £100 (it was originally 1200). I brought it up again recently and he has said I can use his credit card if I run out of money before the end of the month. I have done this a few times around Christmas when money is especially tight. If I can work a few days a week I'm generally ok.

We share the childcare and housework 50/50, he doesn't make me feel bad for taking the credit card although I can sense he would rather I didn't. We have a lovely lifestyle which he funds and he doesn't mind me spending money on things. Just he seems to think it should be enough. I wonder if I should insist on having more. We don't have a joint account and I'm happy with that as would still not pay all income into it so don't really see the point. We save a lot so it's not like he's out shopping or anything. He has an expensive hobby and has a holiday or two with friends a year. Maybe a joint credit card would be the answer.

YABU: your financial agreement is fine
YANBU: there are problems with your family finances.

Sorry this is so long!

Dh takes home 10-12k per month net like seriously????? where the hell is the money going?????

If your DH brings home £10k a month you absolutely should not have any CC debt. This is bonkers.

this is beyond strange.

i do wonder how you're burning through 1300 a month without bills?

but nevertheless its insane that he brings home up to 12k a month and you've got credit card debt.

£1300 a month is what a lot of people have coming in just to survive on (rent/mortgage, bills etc)

YAB sooooo U I don't even have the words.

Well, you have enough money because he has a high salary, but on the other hand, you are only allowed to spend a small fraction of the available money available. Do you know how much bills etc are a month? It seems like he feels that he gets to decide what is a reasonable amount for you to spend a month because he earns it rather than you jointly deciding together as a couple.

Dh takes home 10-12k per month net like seriously????? where the hell is the money going?????

We spend about £6500 per month on absolutely everything. Mortgage, bills, all outgoings for our family. So we lead a nice lifestyle and don't really worry about money. That's another reason I don't really want to take more. Spending that much seems obscene, let alone more.

We save the rest.

Why don't you grab laptop or tablet and your account statements for say last 3 months and make a simple budget of your £1300 coming in and what you would usually spend that on on average? Should be able to evidence it isn't enough. Sit down with DH and talk him through it. Might also be an argument that if you have a good buffer you can set any excesses aside and use these for the occasional treat for the kids or to fund unexpected DC friends birthday party gifts etc

We share the childcare and housework 50/50

But you don’t do you? If you did, you would both be free to work the same amount of hours as each other. He’s restricting both your earning potential and access to finances. Where does the rest of his money go each month?

Would you like to work full time? If so, I’d insist on it, he’s earning more than enough to cover a nanny.

If he's netting 10-12K per month, you should really be living the high life. Alloting you 10% of this to pay for expenses is being tight IMO.
Yes of course you can easily get by on that, but why should you when he's bringing so much in?

joint savings?

I think what’s also relevant is how much does he spend on himself? After shopping, car, children expenses, how much do you have for fun stuff for just you vs does he spend on him? Obviously it will be more than people on a low salary, but it should be a roughly equal amount for both of you.

What a cunt. He gives you a small percentage of his earnings and makes you pay for everything for the kids

This isn't any different to a family bringing in £1000/£1200 and one partner expecting the other to support themselves children in £130

£1300 a month is what a lot of people have coming in just to survive on (rent/mortgage, bills etc)

YAB sooooo U I don't even have the words

So it’s fine for him to have what, 9, 10 grand or so to himself whilst his wife and kids live off 10% of the household income? Why?

i do wonder how you're burning through 1300 a month without bills no this I can easily understand (not that I do it myself but I can see how it mounts up)- especially is £600 a month is food.

Its where the other 10.7k a month goes im wondering?

So what you’re saying is:
DH takes home £10-12k
Spends £5.2k on mortgage, bills etc
Gives £1.3k to you to spend on food, kids
Saves the rest

What you need to do is prove to him that £1.3k isn’t enough by keeping track of all expenses for 2-3 months. Then have an open conversation saying “either we cut back on some things as this isn’t enough or you transfer me £xxx more”. But the things you cut back on shouldn’t just impact the kids and you but him as well. Then you can have an open conversation about if you are being kept too short of money or if you maybe need to budget better considering your other priorities as a family eg saving.

I would consider a joint account rather than it all going to you as if some months you spend more you can just save less that month, rather than having to put it on credit cards. Right now you’ve got a very old fashioned setup where your DH determines how much you should have for housekeeping and you have to stick to it, with no autonomy about what the amount you need is.

With that amount of money coming in I do think you shouldn’t feel short every month, but then you might have just had lifestyle creep and have got careless with money so it’s hard to say if the amount is reasonable.

How much is he having for his personal spending money? How much do you have after you have paid for food and stuff for kids? It does read like he thinks the kids should be your expense (and they are costing you since I doubt you are building up a pension for yourself by working around him).

It depends as you say £6500 goes on mortgage and all bills, yet also say you pay for the food from you £1300. £6500 is very high considering it doesn't cover food bills as well.

What does the other £2000-£4000 get spent on, is it savings or money for your Dh to spend on himself? If its savings then thats fine but if not then things are very unequal.

How about a separate pot of money for kids spending and then you and Dh have your own spending amounts?

Yanbu because you have no access to the family money. Do you know how much he puts in his account for his personal spending? Do you know how much the household bills are? Do you have any joint accounts or savings? Do you know what it all being spent on? You should know all of this and have access.
All items for the children (including petrol assuming you are ferrying them around) and the food bill should be coming from the family money not your personal spending money.
You are effectively a child being given pocket money it doesn’t matter how much it is, that’s not the point, the point is all of the money is available to him but not to you.

If he's netting 10-12K per month, you should really be living the high life. Alloting you 10% of this to pay for expenses is being tight IMO

I can't get over the number of people on this thread who think earning 10-12K a month obviously means you should spend 10-12K a month. When I was earning over 100K I was saving 60K a year.

Sorry I can't seem to copy and paste stuff.

The £6500 is including what he transfers to me each month so includes food.

I think a breakdown is a good idea and also having a separate pot for the kids.

I also agree that this is an old fashioned set up and think maybe we need a joint account. It's as much me that has never really wanted one to be fair to him.

Dh doesn't have an allocated amount. He spends what he spends and then the rest is saved. It's not joint savings.

He doesn't buy lots of things, he's not that kind of person but does have a hobby. I'd say he spends maybe a bit more than me per month. Maybe £100-200 max some months. I think the difference is if he wants/needs it it's there whereas for me it's not.

We save the rest.

Do you have access to the savings?

You're both spending a fair bit but I think the massive amounts are getting in the way. Why do you have CC debt if he is saving twice that much every month? Crazy lack of sense. You pay for food and all things for the children, and he increased it by £100? Nope. Not right.

You should have a communal pot for the bills incl your mobile, petrol and food, and ask for separate spends, which equal his. Everything else in savings.

Sorry - cross posted.
Why on earth are the savings not in your name also?

Oh, cross post. The savings are joint, your married, but why the heck is your name not on the account. Don't trust this one bit.

OP should get a joint credit card or a debit card on a joint account, and use that for all family spending. On top of that he can transfer whatever amount they deem fit to her account for her spending. The problem the moment is that there's no clear dividing line between family spending and her own, and he's got no visibility of what his family life is costing, so can't know when he's not transferring enough.