to wonder if our financial situation is ok?

[justkeepwondering]

Name change for this. I'm actually pretty sure IABU but wanted to get some other opinions.

Since having dc2 four years ago I've been a sahm although just over a year ago I started working a day or two a week when the work is there freelancing. I can't do more as I need to work around dh and if he is working loads it's good for me not to have a contract so I can have the kids full time.

Dh takes home 10-12k per month net. He pays for family holidays, days/nights out, anything to do with the house, all bills, all large car expenses. All his earnings go into a business account. He transfers an amount to his own personal account and to me each month. He transfers £1300 to me and with that I buy the food shopping, kids activities (2 dc), kids clothes/shoes/presents etc, mobile phone bill, petrol, card repayments, and general stuff for me such as meals out with friends, hair cuts, clothes etc.

Most months it is not enough. We do eat well and prioritise fresh food so our food bill is about £600 per month which I know is a lot but we also eat all of our meals at home. As the kids have got older days out/activities cost more plus lots of kids parties so presents for those, hair cuts, etc. Dh goes away with friends each year and I do as well but those costs would also come out of the £1300.

For the first few years if it wasn't enough I would use my credit card rather than ask for more so I ended up with about £4000 on cards. It's all interest free and is now about £2500 and I pay off about £100 per month.

Since joining Mumsnet a few years ago I started to think maybe this wasn't the norm so had a discussion with dh and he did up it £100 (it was originally 1200). I brought it up again recently and he has said I can use his credit card if I run out of money before the end of the month. I have done this a few times around Christmas when money is especially tight. If I can work a few days a week I'm generally ok.

We share the childcare and housework 50/50, he doesn't make me feel bad for taking the credit card although I can sense he would rather I didn't. We have a lovely lifestyle which he funds and he doesn't mind me spending money on things. Just he seems to think it should be enough. I wonder if I should insist on having more. We don't have a joint account and I'm happy with that as would still not pay all income into it so don't really see the point. We save a lot so it's not like he's out shopping or anything. He has an expensive hobby and has a holiday or two with friends a year. Maybe a joint credit card would be the answer.

YABU: your financial agreement is fine
YANBU: there are problems with your family finances.

Sorry this is so long!

Hmm, yes, I imagine if he books a holiday with his friends he also doesn’t then have to go without for several months?

The problem here is that he is infantilising you, giving you only limited access. If you have an issue with overspending that you haven’t mentioned then maybe there is a reason. If not, you need to agree a budget together. Work out together how much you can save each month. (There is no reason it shouldn’t still be a lot!) But he shouldn’t arbitrarily get to decide the budget and impose it on you.

How did your DH arrive at the figure of £1300 per month to allocate to you for food & what the kids needs?

I think you definitely need a better budget and an honest conversation with your DH about the £1300 and if/why this isn't enough. It does sound a lot to me, much more than we spend as a family but then your income is higher so it's not necessarily unreasonable to have higher costs - but if you and DH aren't on the same page about what is and isn't reasonable then it isn't working. E.g. you say 'we' have a food bill of £600 a month but if in reality you do all the shopping/cooking he may (a) not know how much your food bill really is or (b) agree that it's necessary to eat organic premium meat 7 nights a week, or whatever you are buying.

So I would adopt more of the attitude of working out exactly where the money is going every month (I would itemise it e.g. £600 food shop, £100 clothes for DC, £100 clothes for you, £100 DC's activities, £100 your personal spends etc etc), and then either you and DH jointly agree that £1300 is plenty and therefore you will only get hair done once every 6 weeks, DD won't do ballet anymore and he'll give up golf (or whatever needs to happen to bring the expenditure into line with the budget), so that you can continue saving the rest of the household income (I assume this is what happens to the surplus rather than it being spent purely on him?) OR the £1300 is increased and savings decreased OR you will work more days but this will mean XYZ in terms of paying for additional childcare or him having the DC more and cutting back on work commitments etc. So long as any 'sacrifices' are made by you both equally and are agreed and open so you both have access to the same amount of spending money (however extravagant or frugal you agree you want to be), then I think you can't go far wrong...

OP should get a joint credit card or a debit card on a joint account, and use that for all family spending. On top of that he can transfer whatever amount they deem fit to her account for her spending. The problem the moment is that there's no clear dividing line between family spending and her own, and he's got no visibility of what his family life is costing, so can't know when he's not transferring enough.

Yes I think this is the problem. He doesn't really understand what it costs for the kids so thinks that the amount is plenty.

I also think we've had 'lifestyle creep' as a pp said as haven't always had this income, it's gradually increased over the years and we probably spend without thinking so much now.

We originally agreed the amount together when we decided I wouldn't go back to work but now it's not enough.

Thanks for your replies, I think we will have a discussion and take a more 'modern' approach!

You should have at least £1k a month for yourself . Expenses for the children and food should be separate and I’d start to use his cc for that.
Make sure the savings are in joint names .

Well in theory of course £1300 is enough for food, clothing and luxuries. You must realise that many people manage on a lot less than that?

BUT, it's moot really as your DH is such a high earner. You shouldn't have to scrimp on things for yourself and the children when you have such a high income and for that he is BU.

I think this is odd.

My husband doesn’t set me an allowance.

Just because I’m not earning any more he very much considers his money our joint money. If he didn’t I would be going back to work and that would then impact him (childcare wise).

I would also request to see his savings...unless you're also sitting on a large sum he doesnt know the figure of. Seems grossly unfair

Do you get a say over what the savings are being spent on? What are the savings for? Tax perhaps if your husband is self employed?

*I think this is odd.

My husband doesn’t set me an allowance.

Just because I’m not earning any more he very much considers his money our joint money. If he didn’t I would be going back to work and that would then impact him (childcare wise).*

I agree with this and didn't really think any different until joining Mumsnet to be honest
I was just adamant I needed my own money as I didn't want to be asking for it. I should have thought it through further.

But I think the difference is because his money gets paid into a business account and he has to work out an amount to put in the current/joint account anyway it would still be the same problem?

Even for himself he tends to spend on a credit card then pay it off each month. It's easier for him to manage it separately I think.

OP, if you had £10k coming in would you set such a controlled budget for your husband and kids? This is not okay and you know it.

I think you need a higher sum each month so you're not scrimping/using a CC (the latter is mad in your circs). Ideally you should each have the same amount of spending money/"fun money" after expenses. It's fine if a whacking great chunk is going into savings, but not to your detriment.

so he earns about £250/£300k a year and your moaning?

jesus christ

When you have your discussion, make sure it covers pension provision for you, if this isn't already taken care of. Also some of the short/medium term savings should be in your name.

As well as balancing out the household income, it will be tax efficient as if you are saving a lot of his income his personal savings allowance is either a lot lower than yours, or possibly non existent, you can earn £1000 of interest per year without paying tax. Or you could make sure you are overpaying the mortgage, if the interest rate is higher than what you can get in savings - again, this transfers money he has earned into a joint asset.

On the subject of credit cards, there's no such thing as a joint credit card. However, you can get second cards so you both have a card on the same account. Then you should just spend what you need to and get it paid off in full every month out of the account where his salary goes into. Credit cards are a useful payment tool, that come with a lot of benefits unrelated to borrowing money, so everyone should have one, as long as they don't use it as an excuse to spend money they don't have.

YABVU.

Just take him at his word and use the credit card. I don't see why it has to be a big drama, he uses the credit card for him, said you can use it for you so just do it.

It doesn't seem like a crazy amount to spend to me. Things mount up don't they.
I would use the credit card and not feel guilty about it!

You should make sure you know where all these savings are tho.

I will likely end up in your situation when me and DH have kids. He earns about 6x my salary, and manages to save a bunch every month - I don't! And I've no idea where that money is. But if I give up my financial independence that will change.

OP we have a joint bills account where Our wages get paid into and the money goes to direct debits/standing orders for savings etc). Then a joint "spare" money account for clubs/food/petrol. Anything that is variable each money. We have a spreadsheet set up and we update it once a week. Would that approach work? I mean, you must be saving literally thousands of pounds a year but what for? Have you got the balance between saving and living right? You should be able to afford your bills, have a good amount saved and have nice lifestyles for that amount...do you actually know where his money is going? How much is saved?

But I think the difference is because his money gets paid into a business account and he has to work out an amount to put in the current/joint account anyway it would still be the same problem?

I'm self-employed and DH is a SAHD. He has a credit card from his personal account and we pay it off fully each month. So at the end of the month he just says "CC bill is 2400 this month" and I pay it. I don't set him any budget. As PPs said, him being a SAHD benefits me HUGELY!

You need a better arrangement such as - all bills go on his credit card (food, things for kids), he reviews it, and an agreed amount for you to spend on yourself. If you need to cut back on bills, it’ll be easy to see after a few months.

I would be worried the savings are in a business account, or an account not in your name - my DH wouldn’t do that. Money can disappear from businesses and you don’t have the same claim on it as a personal account in his name.

Your ability to work is hampered by his work, I’d want complete access to everything and I would go back to work if I didn’t have it. Too risky.

Just use the credit card. What happens to your earnings?

6500 is a lot of bills, so I assume a big mortgage, maybe he's anxious about that?

We get more than what you do a month due to our jobs

Our outgoings are 2200......I also buy lots of organic product etc. We spend £500 on food per month.

We save the rest. You really need to get your outgoings down. £6500 is incredible. With your incomings. You SHOILD be near on mortgage free

However. I would t be happy not knowing where that money is. I don’t agree with him giving you a certain amount. However I can’t see how you are spending £1300! Per month.

You should have joint finances.

So you are basically penniless at the end of every month and all the savings are in his name. Is the house in joint names?

Anyway...YANBU: there are problems with your family finances.

I can’t understand MN sometimes. A few days ago a poster was asking if £1k was enough to live on per month and people were coming on and saying “ of course it is” and others were saying, that as a family, they survived on much less than this.
Now, we have a poster who has £1300 per month and some people are saying it’s unfair. Agreed, the husband is earning mega bucks BUT I just can’t understand the thinking.
OP, I think you need to keep a record of all your expenses and show your husband where it’s all going. Then you have a levering tool.

We have a similarly old fashioned set up - although with smaller amounts . My husband does not spend on himself at all - any excess over pays the mortgage . I get a set amount for food , kids general needs - any big extras though - tutor / school trips / presents - I keep a list and he pays me any extras at the end of the month . I also have a credit card - mostly my own fault for not asking for the extras in the past ! ... could you work on the same basis ?