to wonder if our financial situation is ok?

[justkeepwondering]

Name change for this. I'm actually pretty sure IABU but wanted to get some other opinions.

Since having dc2 four years ago I've been a sahm although just over a year ago I started working a day or two a week when the work is there freelancing. I can't do more as I need to work around dh and if he is working loads it's good for me not to have a contract so I can have the kids full time.

Dh takes home 10-12k per month net. He pays for family holidays, days/nights out, anything to do with the house, all bills, all large car expenses. All his earnings go into a business account. He transfers an amount to his own personal account and to me each month. He transfers £1300 to me and with that I buy the food shopping, kids activities (2 dc), kids clothes/shoes/presents etc, mobile phone bill, petrol, card repayments, and general stuff for me such as meals out with friends, hair cuts, clothes etc.

Most months it is not enough. We do eat well and prioritise fresh food so our food bill is about £600 per month which I know is a lot but we also eat all of our meals at home. As the kids have got older days out/activities cost more plus lots of kids parties so presents for those, hair cuts, etc. Dh goes away with friends each year and I do as well but those costs would also come out of the £1300.

For the first few years if it wasn't enough I would use my credit card rather than ask for more so I ended up with about £4000 on cards. It's all interest free and is now about £2500 and I pay off about £100 per month.

Since joining Mumsnet a few years ago I started to think maybe this wasn't the norm so had a discussion with dh and he did up it £100 (it was originally 1200). I brought it up again recently and he has said I can use his credit card if I run out of money before the end of the month. I have done this a few times around Christmas when money is especially tight. If I can work a few days a week I'm generally ok.

We share the childcare and housework 50/50, he doesn't make me feel bad for taking the credit card although I can sense he would rather I didn't. We have a lovely lifestyle which he funds and he doesn't mind me spending money on things. Just he seems to think it should be enough. I wonder if I should insist on having more. We don't have a joint account and I'm happy with that as would still not pay all income into it so don't really see the point. We save a lot so it's not like he's out shopping or anything. He has an expensive hobby and has a holiday or two with friends a year. Maybe a joint credit card would be the answer.

YABU: your financial agreement is fine
YANBU: there are problems with your family finances.

Sorry this is so long!

@justkeepwondering

Do you have a pension set up in your own name?

Do you have savings in your own name?

Do the children have savings in their names?

You are the SAHP and facilitating his ability to work. Having the 3 things above in place is essential. You also need to sit down and discuss the family budget honestly. Making sure these things above are covered, and that the budget for children’s clothes and activities is accounted for, and food, before agreeing what you can both have to spend on yourselves (which should be equal IMO).

The savings are in his name. They are used to overpay the mortgage and for the future as he may not always earn that amount. We do discuss how to spend/what to save for.

I have an old pension through work and pay into a very small one for the odd days I do but that's it.

We defo need to work all this out, he just thinks because we're married it's all 50:50 anyway (savings etc) but maybe it needs to be more transparent than that.

I will start using the credit card this week and have a proper discussion tonight.

I’d use his credit card for clothes, presents and food shopping for a while so that he can see where the money goes. Then I’d use your £1300 to pay off your credit card.

My partner and I have an identical set up. I have a credit card which is paid off very month. Any out of the ordinary purchases (holidays etc) we discuss separately. This option is much easier, and you’ll soon work out your average spend after a few months. Then you could always revert to your original bank transfer with a revised total if you prefer.

What is he actually saving for?

It is daft you paying interest on a credit card whilst saving. Get rid of debt before you save.

It would also be tax efficient to continue to pay into your pension.

I don’t think he’s deliberately being a dick. Just keep a spreadsheet of your expenses and ask him to up it. I don’t think he’s being unreasonable setting the OP a budget. I set myself one. Most grown adults work to a budget.

I hope you’re both contributing significantly to pensions if your lifestyle costs this much or it’ll be a nasty shock when retirement rolls round. Hopefully thats where most of the £3.5k goes?

I do think it’s really odd, your set up. I work but husband earns a lot more than me. We have a joint account and have equal direct debits into SIPPs and savings accounts, equal fun money and then household expenses come out of the joint account. We have joint savings for the future but also if I wanted/needed to run away I could sustain myself for a year or so (and so could he!)

I can’t imagine having this sort of allowance with no visibility of the rest of the money. That said, I do think £1300 sounds like enough for food and fun, however our net income is only about £6-7k a month so we are in a significantly different lifestyle bracket!!

I can't imagine a situation in which I'm not financially independent and for that reason alone I would ask him to pay for a couple of days childcare a week to free me up to work part-time and keep my own career ticking over. You never know what's round the corner. Not only have you racked up debt but you're also not earning anything to put into a pension pot. It's comfy enough at the moment but I think you can see it's not a good thing.

Is he self-employed? His pay seems to fluctuate. In which case there'll be quite a chunk of tax to pay on earnings of £100,000- £120,000 pa and so perhaps there's not quite as much money floating around as it might appear.

There's no interest on my credit cards.

His we just pay off the total each month.

I can see his accounts if I want to, but I don't ever go into them by myself although I have the passwords to do so. I might look over his shoulder if he has them open and he doesn't mind.

get an app eg moneyhub and stop using cash,
Record ALL your outgoings for a few months
Split your grocery bill into:

• non food grocery (eg washing powder), toiletries, meat, vegetables, bread products, milk etc.

Then sit down with him and have a grown up, adult conversation.

If he wants you to cut the grocery bill, then do that

I spend way more than £600/month on food. i didn't realise that until i started properly tracking it.
dcs extra curriculars really add up too, not just the term costs but exam fees, kit for exams etc.

OP do you mean 10-12k per month or 1000-1200 per month? 12k a month is a considerable salary to be struggling. Are you living in Holland Park and the mortgage is 6500 pm or are you living somewhere else and it's 650 pm.

It’s not joint savings. That’s your main problem right there. What a bargain your DH is getting! A full time carer & housekeeper for his kids for a mere 10% of his net pay per month. If you were working full time, you’d be paying a lot more than 1300 a month for childcare & with food etc on top. He has you fooled into thinking he’s a great provider because he’s giving’ you 10% of what he earns but he’s not being a team player is he? The rest of the money is all his to keep. Is the house in both your names? I hope so for your sake.

I think there are a few issues here.

DH and I run our own business (he does the work, I do the paperwork). What the business takes each month isn't our earnings. We take a set wage and dividends, the dividends are set, but we take larger ones a couple of times a year.

Out of our wages and dividends we put a set amount into a joint account for mortgage, food, bills etc and keep a smaller amount in our personal accounts. Credit cards are used only for internet or larger purchases and paid off each month. We also have joint savings (house, paying off mortgage, cars) and personal savings for paying the tax man. If I've spent more on uniforms etc one month, I'll pay less into the joint account and visa versa, but we have a conversation.

I too think you need a household budget and individual budgets. Only once you've sat down and worked out the figures will you be able to tell whether what you have is "enough" or whether it needs to be upped or your and your DHs spending cut back.

Sorry, I see that he's bringing home 10-12k net. So you can certainly afford three days a week childcare so that you can get back to doing what you do and building up pension and savings of your own.

when i say "food" i actually mean in the supermarket/ocado.
so includes things like toiletries, non food consumables tin foil, toilet roll etc etc which really add up
a few nice bottles of wine a week add a couple of hundred to the bill too.

can't recommend tracking it all to the penny so you have some idea where the money is going.

If you have debt that isn’t a mortgage or possibly a car, then your financial situation is not ok. If you have debt, neither of you can afford holidays.

You need to sit down together and make a full household budget. He should not have more fun money than you, not when you are sacrificing your career to care for your shared children .

All his earnings go into a business account. He transfers an amount to his own personal account and to me each month

Are you sure his take home pay is £10-12k/month and that’s not the amount his business takes in revenues? From which he then has to pay business costs and business taxes before transferring his actual (much lower ) personal earnings to the personal account.

I agree with PP you need more insight into what money is coming in, how much is actually personal income (not business income) and how much is spent versus saved....in short where it all goes.

£1300 should be enough for food and etc. And it would be if that was all you both had. So you need to know true financial picture before deciding whether more can be spent on kids or not. And, I agree it should be jointly decided and funded.

Just agreeing with everyone else here. The actual amounts are irrelevant. What needs to be sorted is that you have sufficient funds, within a jointly agreed budget, to pay for all the things you need to for both the kids, the family and yourself.

On the surface, all joint expenses, including food, mortgage, petrol, kids stuff etc should come out of a single account and then if it works for the two of you, you each have your own discretionary accounts to pay for personal stuff. So I'd be suggesting that the account he uses for all household bills becomes a joint one, with an amount added to it that you both agree is sufficient for the day to day expenses you rack up for the family. Then you agree what is a reasonable amount for you to be spending on yourself for hair, clothes, evenings out etc and that can be transferred directly to you. Also, that way, if the joint account isn't sufficient, you can look together to see where there's too much expenditure - eg you're eating out with the kids too much or whatever.

What's happening here is that you're expected to budget for yourself out of what should be family money. So tighten food belt to pay for a hair cut. which on a generous salary, is crazy.

You say that he makes 10-12k net per month, but this is paid into his business account? If so, there will be tax charges associated with moving money into the personal accounts and it's not going to be tax efficient to take out more than what you need to live on.

Having said that, you need to sit down as a couple and have an honest conversation about what money you do need to live at the lifestyle level you're both comfortable with given his income. And make sure that savings are being held jointly. You certainly shouldn't be in credit card debt while he's got reserves!

Also, based on what you say about your lifestyle, I'd also be surprised if 600 is enough for the food shop. I mean, sure, for food, but what about all the other stuff you're buying at the supermarket? I'm always shocked at how much buying persil, a new bodum (because we broke ours) and toilet paper, for example, add to my weekly shop. If I had to split my supermarket shopping by food and "other stuff" I suspect it would be at least 20% other.

you need to have a much bigger pension being paid - its really a good investment
your husband should be doing this for you
you should have access to the passwords
You should do a spreadsheet for your expenses

how much does he spend on hobbies? Do you have an equal amount of money and TIME to spend on your own interests

Why do you have any debts?
You re married and family earnings are more than enough.
Pay off the cards tomorrow
Psy more into your pension
Work more if you want you can afford a full time nanny and housekeeper.

THE OP DOESN'T PAY INTEREST ON HER CREDIT CARDS. There may be a reason for paying them off, but not that one.

Hmm not sure I would like the inequality here...
dh and I (no kids yet) have 4 accounts : a joint current and savings, then each have our own current account.
Our salaries both go into the joint current, we each get a fixed amount of "pocket money" into our current accounts (started calling it that as a joke and it stuck...) bills etc come out of the joint current and every couple of months we move a chunk to the joint savings (which is what we use for big stuff like the new roof).
I wanted to pool our money, but not have to check with him if i want to buy something nice for myself once in a while, and overall it works well.