to wonder if our financial situation is ok?

[justkeepwondering]

Name change for this. I'm actually pretty sure IABU but wanted to get some other opinions.

Since having dc2 four years ago I've been a sahm although just over a year ago I started working a day or two a week when the work is there freelancing. I can't do more as I need to work around dh and if he is working loads it's good for me not to have a contract so I can have the kids full time.

Dh takes home 10-12k per month net. He pays for family holidays, days/nights out, anything to do with the house, all bills, all large car expenses. All his earnings go into a business account. He transfers an amount to his own personal account and to me each month. He transfers £1300 to me and with that I buy the food shopping, kids activities (2 dc), kids clothes/shoes/presents etc, mobile phone bill, petrol, card repayments, and general stuff for me such as meals out with friends, hair cuts, clothes etc.

Most months it is not enough. We do eat well and prioritise fresh food so our food bill is about £600 per month which I know is a lot but we also eat all of our meals at home. As the kids have got older days out/activities cost more plus lots of kids parties so presents for those, hair cuts, etc. Dh goes away with friends each year and I do as well but those costs would also come out of the £1300.

For the first few years if it wasn't enough I would use my credit card rather than ask for more so I ended up with about £4000 on cards. It's all interest free and is now about £2500 and I pay off about £100 per month.

Since joining Mumsnet a few years ago I started to think maybe this wasn't the norm so had a discussion with dh and he did up it £100 (it was originally 1200). I brought it up again recently and he has said I can use his credit card if I run out of money before the end of the month. I have done this a few times around Christmas when money is especially tight. If I can work a few days a week I'm generally ok.

We share the childcare and housework 50/50, he doesn't make me feel bad for taking the credit card although I can sense he would rather I didn't. We have a lovely lifestyle which he funds and he doesn't mind me spending money on things. Just he seems to think it should be enough. I wonder if I should insist on having more. We don't have a joint account and I'm happy with that as would still not pay all income into it so don't really see the point. We save a lot so it's not like he's out shopping or anything. He has an expensive hobby and has a holiday or two with friends a year. Maybe a joint credit card would be the answer.

YABU: your financial agreement is fine
YANBU: there are problems with your family finances.

Sorry this is so long!

Yes you should be definitely getting something paid into a pension/savings for retirement.

Why does the money go onto a business account? Is he paye? Or is there tax due on this annually?

You get 1300 a month. Food is 600. What is the other seven hundred spent on? It seems a lot on things like days out and hair cuts

Also in uour op you say you work a day or two a week. Where does this money go?

This is very demeaning OP. He is setting limits on your life.

I’ve been SAH for 16 years but I don’t keep track of what I spend month to month on myself it the kids as obviously it varies. We just have a joint account and that’s it.

How do you afford clothes etc for you all out of that?

He is treating you like a child and it’s also controlling. I would not stand for it for one second flat. Allowance indeed! I can’t believe this actually happens in 2020.

You have either misconstrued or misunderstood your husband’s income in your OP, and it’s distorting the responses you’re getting. The 10-12k going into his business account is not his take-home pay. It belongs to the business. It only becomes his money when he takes it out of the business- the unspecified amount you say he transfers to his current account every month. I’m guessing he’s an IR35 contractor so if he’s maximising tax efficiency he’s probably taking out around £3.5k a month. So the £1300 he’s giving you is about a third of his take-home, which doesn’t seem fundamentally unfair to me.

However, if it isn’t enough for you to get through the month, you either need to decide together where you’re both going to cut spending- and I’m sure you’re already been told that a fairly significant proportion of families manage on less than you- or he’s going to have to bite the bullet and take more out of the business, and pay more tax. Having said that, his position will change significantly from April anyway as IR35 is changing.

In answer to your question, I wouldn’t be comfortable not earning, not saving and not having a pension myself. But beyond that, if your husband’s pretty decent income isn’t supporting you all, it sounds as though it could be managed better.

OP. £1300 is not enough to fund your lifestyle. It's an old fashioned set up. A credit card for you to use freely and gets paid off every month would be the answer here.

We share the childcare and housework 50/50

How is this even possible if you're mainly a SAHM?

It sounds like his money goes into a business account so he doesn’t pay income tax on it and he pays the bills etc as related to this “business?” Meanwhile, you are having to scrimp.

I would be assertive and say the amount isn’t enough, you need him to pay for the food and transfer you £1000 per month for yourself and DC’s activities and other bits and pieces.

As long as the money isn’t sitting in a business but in his personal savings account - I’d want to be clear on that as when my sister split up, her ex had money in a business she wasn’t entitled to, if it had been in personal savings otoh...from what you’ve said @justkeepwondering sounds like the savings are in a proper savings account.

You are loaded - you have 4 x what we do coming every month. You can't be that oblivious to think you're struggling?!

now I'm confused is that business income or what he earns?

£600 may then be too much food.

OP - for the next two months, pay for everything by credit card, then go through your itemised statements and receipts to show him where the money goes.

He, not you, should be paying off your credit card debt. It was incurred because he did not give you enough for kid, cars, food, etc.

OP, Mumsnet has opened my eyes to financial vulnerabilities. You are not alone in this situation.

"We share the childcare and housework 50/50" Really, and you're mainly a SAHM?
You're potentially at a severe future financial disadvantage in this relationship and need to be safeguarding your pension contributions.
The credit card debt is not yours as it was spent on family so should be paid off jointly.
You must know where every penny is being deposited, your income is joint, you're a family, no hiding anything.
You need to be across where he is stashing funds and why. If he goes under a bus tomorrow will you be able to take the reins? Sad tho that may be ....cover your back at all times.

I agree with Doobigetta, I think you are confusing his salary.
If it is going in to the business account...he is probably paying himself a small salary for tax implications. Possibly he is taking the rest out as dividends, either frequently, quarterly or every six months. It is not illegal to do this.
I would be having the conversation about where the income is going and see the proof. If there are savings accounts find out in whose names they are held, also obtain passwords.
Do not allow him to continue to control the finances whilst you are kept in the dark.
I have been in your situation and was far too trusting, knowledge is power.
Finally I have to agree that £1300 is a good sum monthly, especially when your earnings are added to that.

£1300 works out at an average of around £43 per day.

To cover everything - feed you all, cleaning products, clothes, kiddies shoes, activities...all those other household things...

(Maybe your OH is a bit out of touch with the current cost of day to day items)

As others wisely suggest upthread, a written budget over spends over 3 months, separating out food, clothing, haircuts and other items would let him see the situation more clearly.

I would be allocating funds for my own NI contributions and SIPP for the future too.

You say you have the password for the savings account but have not looked at it
Then you say you may look over his shoulder if he is on the laptop viewing bank accounts if he doesn't mind
You are definitely "under the thumb" and sound scared to challenge him
I don't have a good feeling about the financial setup at all and would ask you to be more assertive. You have rights too

Op you need to ensure you look after yourself. You are enabling your husband to earn the money because you are free childcare for him. The children are both of yours. If you are restricted in earnings because that is the way you both want it, i.e. a sahm, then he should be paying into a pension for you and the savings should be equal. Some in your name and some in his. It's called looking after your own future.

And to the posters who say 1300 is enough, no it isn't.

OP what happens to the money that you bring in when you freelance?

Yanbu

He gives you 10% of the wage for all food clothing, kids activities and phone, hair etc.

When that should be nearer 20/30%

I don’t really like the set up. It’s like you are given pennies and have to plead for more.

Now, we have a poster who has £1300 per month and some people are saying it’s unfair. Agreed, the husband is earning mega bucks BUT I just can’t understand the thinking

Because it’s not about the amount, it’s about being treated as an equal in her marriage. Some dads only see their kids every other weekend and think that’s enough. So would it be fair if OP only let her husband interact with the kids every other weekend too? Of course not, same applies to the money.

Its not joint savings!!! He is keeping you short and saving loads for HIMSELF

I'll scuttle off into the corner with my £512 a month to pay for everything then...!

You really need a conversation with him...

Yes I’m another one to agree that it’s the set up and the %, not the amount.

I’ve a similar financial relationship, DP earns a high amount approx £7000 a month. He gives me no access to his bank accounts. He asks me to reduce my spending if I start to go above £700 a month for food, clothes, activities for me and kids.

I’ve lived off less than this when an earning single parent. However I had full control of the finances and crucially lifestyle, so it was manageable.

Now I find more money is less manageable. There are more expectations and costs - we live in a nicer area so activities cost more. I feel more dowdy without more regular haircuts, my kids clothes cost more as their friends have better clothes. People expect me to be rolling in it too because of where I live. I am finding it quite depressing.

Well, I can sort of see how this situation has arisen. My DH is also a high earner. I put my whole, much-smaller, salary into our joint account and take out approx. £500 pm for my own costs: commuting and work expenses (approx. £250 per month), phone, clothing, socialising and any other personal needs. Sometimes I tick up a bit of a balance on a credit card, but soon pay it off again. The joint account is used for anything that is 'joint' including savings, but I do have full visibility and access to that account.

In short, you need a joint account!