to wonder if our financial situation is ok?

[justkeepwondering]

Name change for this. I'm actually pretty sure IABU but wanted to get some other opinions.

Since having dc2 four years ago I've been a sahm although just over a year ago I started working a day or two a week when the work is there freelancing. I can't do more as I need to work around dh and if he is working loads it's good for me not to have a contract so I can have the kids full time.

Dh takes home 10-12k per month net. He pays for family holidays, days/nights out, anything to do with the house, all bills, all large car expenses. All his earnings go into a business account. He transfers an amount to his own personal account and to me each month. He transfers £1300 to me and with that I buy the food shopping, kids activities (2 dc), kids clothes/shoes/presents etc, mobile phone bill, petrol, card repayments, and general stuff for me such as meals out with friends, hair cuts, clothes etc.

Most months it is not enough. We do eat well and prioritise fresh food so our food bill is about £600 per month which I know is a lot but we also eat all of our meals at home. As the kids have got older days out/activities cost more plus lots of kids parties so presents for those, hair cuts, etc. Dh goes away with friends each year and I do as well but those costs would also come out of the £1300.

For the first few years if it wasn't enough I would use my credit card rather than ask for more so I ended up with about £4000 on cards. It's all interest free and is now about £2500 and I pay off about £100 per month.

Since joining Mumsnet a few years ago I started to think maybe this wasn't the norm so had a discussion with dh and he did up it £100 (it was originally 1200). I brought it up again recently and he has said I can use his credit card if I run out of money before the end of the month. I have done this a few times around Christmas when money is especially tight. If I can work a few days a week I'm generally ok.

We share the childcare and housework 50/50, he doesn't make me feel bad for taking the credit card although I can sense he would rather I didn't. We have a lovely lifestyle which he funds and he doesn't mind me spending money on things. Just he seems to think it should be enough. I wonder if I should insist on having more. We don't have a joint account and I'm happy with that as would still not pay all income into it so don't really see the point. We save a lot so it's not like he's out shopping or anything. He has an expensive hobby and has a holiday or two with friends a year. Maybe a joint credit card would be the answer.

YABU: your financial agreement is fine
YANBU: there are problems with your family finances.

Sorry this is so long!

To be fair, once you get to a substantial amount of savings which it sounds as though this couple may be making, it does quite often make sense to have at least some of it in individual accounts - things like ISAs for instance can't be joint. But I agree with the principle that OP should know at least roughly how much there is in savings, where it is and how it's accessed, and they should agree between them what the savings goals and investment vehicles are. It may even make sense to put quite a lot into OP's name as she's a lower earner and so will pay less tax on any interest...

You basically have £161 a week for -

kids activities (2 dc)

kids clothes

shoes

presents

mobile phone bill

petrol

card repayments

general stuff for me such as meals out with friends
hair cuts, clothes etc.

Its not a lot is it.

do you have access to his savings? and your name on the account?

yes its "joint" as marriage dictates, but he could hide things if you dont actually know how much goes in

this is very very wrong OP

You shouldn't be paying a credit card debt when that much money is coming into the house.

The first thing that he should do is pay this off. You have been using this to pay for things for your children.

If you have €650 per month after paying for food shopping and you have to pay for all of the children's expenses then there isn't really much room for you do much without getting into debt.

Definitely speak to him. There are so many men who have no idea of what children cost, or else the do know but are incredibly stingy with money.

Ignore the stupid comments here about €1300 being loads and asking what are you doing with it. It is all relative. Just because someone else can live on that doesn't mean that someone with a household income of £12k a month should.

There are lots of issues here that people are confusing. £1300 for food and expenses is a perfectly normal amount for lots of people. Plenty of families would find that a fortune. What's not normal is using credit cards to make up a shortfall when there's more than enough money to pay them off. Neither is it normal to have so little control over family finances, unless you have a history of very serious financial mismanagement.

Nannewnannew

It's a bit more nuanced than that isn't it.

Of course it's possible to live on 1k a month. But you shouldn't be forced to if your husband earns 10k (net!) and has complete control over how much you get.

Hi OP,

Please ignore the people who say they live on £10 per week and a tin of beans. Your problem is not the figures per se, it is that your DH allocated 10% of his net income to you, to cover all the expenses of food, children and your personal spend, and he does not tell you where the rest of the money is going.

Whether he was earning £500 per week or £5000 per week the problem is he is treating you like a child. You need a discussion pronto.

What Donkeytail said.

However do have a conversation with him.

That's a big wage. He should be giving you a lot more !

My DH earns about 7k but I also work. If it helps I keep about 2k of my salary after pension for myself which is used on me, days out, kids clothes, food top up shops, Our bills are quite a bit lower though.

You need to pay off that credit card now

Why pay the extra on it? When it can be all gone in a week?

Yes there are multiple issues - accessing the savings and making sure they aren’t tied up in a business you don’t have rights over, your credit card debt which should be cleared, getting a set amount for personal spending each and finally the question of whether you can cut back on some of the legitimate bills (this is the smallest concern).

He (or joint account) needs to pay off the debt now. It’s completely weird to have it on such a high joint income. Then you need access to a bigger pot of money that is realistic for your lifestyle and leaves some money to spend on yourself as he can.

I think as others have said, the fact that the kids stuff, and the food stuff, is coming from 'your' allowance its not working out fair.

ALL household expenses, so all bills, all kids activities, all phones, car costs, petrol, travel etc needs to be paid from joint account. And then you and DH need to have equal 'spending money'

The rest into savings.

Why if there is so much spare a month has the mortgage not been paid off - interest on savings is bollocks at the moment and if you can pay forward to bring your monthly outgoings out I believe thats what is advised.

More to the point do you see the finances. Do you see whats in and out each month and is your name on the savings?

You say a business account and then he transfers out? Can you see this amount?

It would be better to work a budget for all household expenses and put that into a joint account, which you both have access to

Then a transfer for personal spending to each of your personal accounts

Then a joint savings account

Exactly Sofonisba. I think we need to ignore the numbers here and whether £1300 is about right/loads/not enough and just consider that the DH here is (presumably) content with the lifestyle his wife and DC are leading, the food they eat, the activities they do etc. and it is affordable within their income, and yet he is apparently not actually funding it properly and leaving his wife to run up debt.

The reasons why the situation arises might be because he's not aware how much things cost, it might be that OP is wasteful/extravagant, or it might be because he's a tight bastard, or a combination of the above, we don't know. It's a common enough problem on here although the actual numbers vary, the advice is usually consistent: agree a budget, agree a system with accounts and cards etc that gives you both equal access to the money and be honest with one another and try and come to an agreement about needs/priorities/saving vs spending etc.

also is any of that money going into a pension for you? You need to make sure that you are protected for your retirement as well as him

You need a joint account and savings in your name.
You should also pay in a pension scheme (from the family pot as you are clearly enabling his work).
You should take decisions TOGETHER on how the money is spend and/or saved.

As for ‘not having enough’, the question is more about where the money is going and how much is left for yourself. Aka can or could you afford the same amount of money for yourself/your hobbies and are you both happy with your current level of spending?
What I don’t agree with is you thinking of spending less to be able to afford things (for yourself?) when he has no care in the world.

Oh and btw, I would encourage you to work and have some income yourself. It helps a lot rebalancing power within the relationship

He's being unreasonable. I'm a SAHM and DH pays all bills, food shop etc and then transfers me money, basically for coffee out etc. The only time we have come unstuck is in the early days where I don't think he realised the cost of kids shoes and clothes so was sometimes coming up short of money. I just took him shopping with me a few times and he updated what he was giving me. Just talk to him, you shouldn't be in debt whilst he's saving, my DH would be mortified if I got into debt instead of asking for more money.

We have a credit card but it’s paid off in full every month, we do t waste money by just paying odd the interest. Your credit card really needs to be covered under the normal family bills ie mortgage.
At the moment you are accruing debt and bad credit record whilst your husband is saving for himself
Why? Are you paying into your own pension fund? Or is he just reaping all the benefit?
I think you’re being very naive with your finances

Are you also paying into a pension into your name?

Wow OP. You need to get your financial head on here. personally I find your set up odd and disempowering. I think you and and your husband need to sit down and plan your finances together. FWIW Me and DH have a joint account and everything comes out of this including my credit card repayments. DH would never dream of allocating an amount for me and DC. He trusts me to be responsible

It is crazy to have savings when you have debt. That should be sorted first.

Secondly, does he transfer the money every month or not? Dh also has money paid into a business account but we don't draw down every month, we draw down in lump sums, it sits in the joint account being eaten away by bills and a joint credit card that I use to pay for everything I shop for. When it gets low he gets an alert and moves more money.

As I use the credit card for everything (points) there is a record of where I have shopped so every year we have a discussion about where we spent all our money, everything from the mortgage, to insurance, holidays, food, clothing, eating out, weekends away, cinema, theatre. That way we can see where we spend the money and what on.

Dh knows that children cost more as they get older. I now have two teenage sons. They eat a lot of food compared to a toddler or 10 year old. So our food bill has been slowly creeping up over the years also the cost of shoes and clothes.

You need to lay this out for him. Go over the last month from the £1300 and account for it all. Not because you should ever have to do that but because this is a bit like shopping in Ikea, you see stuff, it seems reasonable but then when you get to the till you think how much?

The OP's credit cards are interest free.

Have you moved to the UK recently OP, or were you bought up here?
I'm just wondering if this is a cultural thing?

Op - I understand where you’re coming from you are in a very similar situation to mine. I can see why some would think it’s old fashioned but I think it depends on individual circs for instance Dh puts £1600 a month into my account and out of that comes:
food
petrol (Probably only about £20 per week)
Everyday items/Clothes for me and dc’s

We have 4 dc’s, I spend about £200pw on the food shop. difference is that I don’t have any cc debt (I did when we had first dc and I gave up work - he paid it off). I also don’t pay for extras such as activities etc out of it - anything like that he would pay for out of his account. We eat out at weekends and he pays (in fact i don’t generally pay for anything at the weekend) If the kids needed a proper clothes shop or pair of shoes etc he would pay.
I like having the money paid into my own account as it makes me feel more in control of my spending. I am terrible with money and if I had free rein with a joint account I would probably overspend. We have a very nice life but my dh is very un-materialistic, he rarely spends money on himself.
I don’t have any debts now and I like it that way, I won’t have a credit card again. You really should pay off your cc debt out of the savings, it’s mad to be accruing interest every month.