to wonder if our financial situation is ok?

[justkeepwondering]

Name change for this. I'm actually pretty sure IABU but wanted to get some other opinions.

Since having dc2 four years ago I've been a sahm although just over a year ago I started working a day or two a week when the work is there freelancing. I can't do more as I need to work around dh and if he is working loads it's good for me not to have a contract so I can have the kids full time.

Dh takes home 10-12k per month net. He pays for family holidays, days/nights out, anything to do with the house, all bills, all large car expenses. All his earnings go into a business account. He transfers an amount to his own personal account and to me each month. He transfers £1300 to me and with that I buy the food shopping, kids activities (2 dc), kids clothes/shoes/presents etc, mobile phone bill, petrol, card repayments, and general stuff for me such as meals out with friends, hair cuts, clothes etc.

Most months it is not enough. We do eat well and prioritise fresh food so our food bill is about £600 per month which I know is a lot but we also eat all of our meals at home. As the kids have got older days out/activities cost more plus lots of kids parties so presents for those, hair cuts, etc. Dh goes away with friends each year and I do as well but those costs would also come out of the £1300.

For the first few years if it wasn't enough I would use my credit card rather than ask for more so I ended up with about £4000 on cards. It's all interest free and is now about £2500 and I pay off about £100 per month.

Since joining Mumsnet a few years ago I started to think maybe this wasn't the norm so had a discussion with dh and he did up it £100 (it was originally 1200). I brought it up again recently and he has said I can use his credit card if I run out of money before the end of the month. I have done this a few times around Christmas when money is especially tight. If I can work a few days a week I'm generally ok.

We share the childcare and housework 50/50, he doesn't make me feel bad for taking the credit card although I can sense he would rather I didn't. We have a lovely lifestyle which he funds and he doesn't mind me spending money on things. Just he seems to think it should be enough. I wonder if I should insist on having more. We don't have a joint account and I'm happy with that as would still not pay all income into it so don't really see the point. We save a lot so it's not like he's out shopping or anything. He has an expensive hobby and has a holiday or two with friends a year. Maybe a joint credit card would be the answer.

YABU: your financial agreement is fine
YANBU: there are problems with your family finances.

Sorry this is so long!

@Coolcucumber2020 that's really not right. My DH earns the same as your DH & pretty much everything comes out of his pay. I work so keep 2k but could use the joint account if needed. I found 2k is more than enough for me but Im not funding a lot if that makes sense.

This is how my DH and I arrange our finances. My DH earns just 9k a month after pension, tax and train ticket. I don’t earn anything. It all goes into our joint account. We spend £1000 per month on food for 5 months a year when DC are home from university and about £650 a month when it’s just DH and I. Everything is paid from the joint account . DH then transfers £300 to me which I use for my hair, make-up, clothes and personal bits and pieces. My nights out, spa membership, Cineworld card, lunches come out of our joint account. We have joint savings in both our names.
We are both happy with this arrangement.

Coolcucumber2020 Your set up does not sound good.

There's probably a bit of give or take here. Figure out what lifestyle creep you can cut back on , perhaps including the dc not having/doing everything they desire. Figure out what spending money you both think is reasonable for each of you. And see a financial advisor together about a pension for yourself and agree what to pay into it.

If he’s keeping the money in a ‘business account’ you wouldn’t have access to it if you split up. He’s hiding it from you

You need your name adding to any account he has. He shouldn't be the only one with access to the family finances.
Starry writing down everything you spend. Show him facts and figures.
And yes tbh you are been unreasonable your monthly income is more then some people make a year and if you can't sort things on that without having credit card debts then yes there is a problem.

Tbh, I skim read this. But Jesus fucking Christ.

You are being unreasonable you can't make 1300 work, p/month.
We have just over that in total p/month. Everything comes out of it, 2 children and a pet.
And yanbu in wanting to know what it happening to the (circa) other 10k

You need to be taking more for you and the children and saving less if your accumulating credit card debts your lifestyle is not achievable with the amount he’s giving you its madness

What does your dh do and is there any jobs for my dh please

Seriously

But I would consider asking that he maybe allocates more for you as his spending is just for him whereas your providing for the little ones.

But again a job please

You should have a joint budget and a clear understanding of the finances. Also at that level of income, your savings are presumably high and it would make sense to be using both of your ISA allowances. It is absolutely barmy that you ran up credit card debt when there is presumably a large surplus coming in each month.

At that income level, 1300 on food and other discretionary spending is low. We’re high earning but less than your husband and would find that right. Yes I know it is a lot but your spending tends to go up in proportion to income and the people you are around. I’m sure you could manage but why should you when there is so much coming in.

How much is outstanding on your mortgage and what are you overpaying? (Given you said some of the savings were for overpaying) If you don’t know, you’ve got a problem.

Examples of a lack of independence on this thread is one reason why I think it's good to stay in some sort of work. Plus 1 benefit of a high earner is being able to afford childcare, cleaners, study, etc.

I think that I would also be asking for the money I had from savings to be paid back, given that it was because you were left short

There are two women on this thread, who are sahm, with DH earning a high income. Both of their DH are allocating 10% of their total income to their wives to buy food & look after kids..

I'd like to know what manual these men are referring to that tells them to allocate a 10% of their earnings to their wives??

So we lead a nice lifestyle and don't really worry about money.

So why did you start this thread then?..

You do realise that if he walked under a bus tomorrow you’d be well and truly fucked? You wouldn’t even be able to pay for his funeral because all the money’s tucked away in his name. He’s stashing it away and you have credit card debt. It’s bonkers.

OP please to fucking God tell me this post is a piss-take!? Are you seriously asking if you earn enough money???

This thread. Honestly. I'm gobsmacked. I have £1500 a month to live off, after tax, NI and student loans (have three as I have degree, post grad and MSc). I feel terrible that I have 4K credit card debt due to divorce costs and that I live in my overdraft. I felt guilty for spending £136 on Saturday on ice skating and my 3 dcs some much needed clothes. I'm a social worker who works 40 hours a week in children's safeguarding team. I can not wrap my head around this life but OP - YANBU. Your DH should not be seeing you struggle. I can recommend Aldi and H&M though

The OP is not being controlled. She has full access to finances, bank accounts and can spend anything she needs beyond the monthly amount on his credit card. They agreed the original amount together and it was increased on her request. She has been resistant to having a joint account up until now, so even this is not down to him.

They just need a grown up conversation about what is needed and what proportion of their income they want to spend v save, and on what. OP, I would also suggest you get more financially savvy, use the access you already have to understand the finances, and get things in joint names. Until you take the initiative to do that, I don't think your DH is doing anything unreasonable. It is perfectly sensible to have a rough budget for different things and you are the one who controls the kid/ household budget- that's all. Just agree it together (as you did before) if it is now out of date.

If you’re working 1-2 days a week where are your earnings going?

If he's hit by the changes to IR35, you're going to need to reduce your expenses quickly.

I would use credit card in his name (he is liable for the debt if you split I believe). I would ask for savings to be made joint or split into two accounts. I'm not a fan of joint bank accounts but I do belive in financial transparency.

Op you state “ We share the childcare and housework 50/50” but earlier say you only work x days due to you working around DH?

Honestly, you lost me right there. Is it 50/50 as you stare or do you only work certain days to fit in with DH “if he’s working loads as you also write?
Imagine “only” having £1300 a month for food and general non essential spending
Honestly, my heart bleeds for you
If your oh is earning almost 250k net and you are also working and you’ve got credit card debt I’d suggest you set a budget and stick to it .

Ok OP, when our children were small I wasn't earning and DH was earning about 20k a month. He didn't 'give' me anything because it was all our money.

And it always has been.

I'm earning again now. But it's never really made a difference.

OP, you are a tax break. He pays you £1300 because that’s the amount he can pay you as an employee on his company account and not have you go over your threshold. Check the tax you’re paying on any paid work you do outside the house. Get your pension in order.