"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

Its work for someone else to look after your kids, but I dont see it as work to look after my own kids. Its enjoyable, it's a pleasure, you are lucky if you can do it and not have to go out to work. It's not work.

Keeping toddlers safe, fed and amused is bloody hard work. I would rather teach a rowdy cover lesson than babysit a toddler.

OP, I think you need to have a proper conversation with your DH. Find out whether it was a throwaway comment during an argument, or if he really would prefer you to go back to work and to split childcare between you in the non working hours. If he agrees that the current setup is working, you must set some ground rules that you both agree with. No lie ins past 10am would be a start.

That's actually bullying.

It's actually not.

Its work for someone else to look after your kids, but I dont see it as work to look after my own kids. Its enjoyable, it's a pleasure, you are lucky if you can do it and not have to go out to work. It's not work.

I think for some people it's so rewarding it's not something they'd consider work. I am not one of those people. I get bored out of my mind being at home all day with toddlers, whoever they belong to (which is another reason I'm not a SAHM).

"Why not? You are at home, not working? You are looking after a baby all day. To me it's the same."

"Because you’re not completely financially dependent on someone else."

You are for most of it, if you take the full year.

You’re not taking that risk. You have maximum of one year (in the UK) where you meet other parents on mat leave and hang out with them"
.
So you dont do the cooking, cleaning, potty training, wiping noses, rocking a baby for hours, shopping, wow. I wish I'd taken longer off now.

You don’t have the isolation that a lot of SAHP have, because you’re only doing it for a little while.

You are doing it for a whole year? And you haven't yet met lots of other parents at the school gates so have no network yet. I think a lot of Mothers would disagree with you here.

"It’s not a complete life change."
It seems that way for a lot of people.

" Do you really need this pointed out?"
So you only become a sahm once mat leave is over? Ok.

"Love wee sneaky ‘not working’ that you put in too -

Not sneaky, its what I've been saying all along. They are on mat leave, so on leave from work?

"I always feel it’s a bit suspect when people are so desperate to point out what joy they find being around their kids for a few hours at night and at the weekends"So do you think people who work, arent proper parents? Because if you do, that's a whole different topic, I'm sure. Im intrigued by those who think parents who work, literally do nothing at home.
" We all make our decisions, you don’t have to feel defensive about paying someone else for the work you couldn’t do yourself."

I'm in no way defensive about working. To say I am is a bit weird.

The problem is that "full-time" means different things.
In a work context, with commute time, "full-time" is rarely more than about 12 hours, 5 days a week. With a baby, "full-time" is 24/7.

Well these threads always end up in some kind of debate about the value of the ‘work’ or ‘efforts’ if preferred of being a SAHM.

My DH threw this out at me once @sandscript and only once. But he’s not a high earner, he works long hours and earns a basic wage like a lot of people unfortunately and I lost my job when I fell pregnant with my twins (good old temp contracts! I was being made permanent but I guess my having children wasn’t quite what the employer had in mind).

Yes he earns ‘100% of the money’ and to me it sounds like he was snapping back with your phrasing which is childish and smacks of a grumpy shite who doesn’t like being told to buck up.

Does he seem to value you as the SAHM usually or is this attitude fairly regular? If it’s regular it’s a complete lack of respect for what you do for your (and his!) family. That needs addressing ASAP.

Does he not value having a relationship with his own children? Even in his high pressure job he doesn’t have to manage being in constant demand of a toddler and a baby. Has he ever looked after them without you present? The dynamic doesn’t sound healthy from what you have said OP I’m sorry to say.

I agree with mantaray on being a SAHM feeling like work - sure on a good day it can be pleasant... but they are few and far between with twin toddlers, endless appointments (they are delayed developmentally one is being assessed for ASD), non-verbal communication and putting in a shit tonne of effort to help them progress with no real support - desperately hoping i’ll be able to get my DD caught up so she can start Nursery later this year when she turns 3 rather than having to hold her back. Hoping my DS will communicate at all verbally beyond baby babble (it’s unlikely he will be able to attend regular nursery with his sister until at least next year if no solid improvement is made).

I’d take a job any day if we could afford even basic childcare, let alone somebody who can push their development as I’m having to do. It’s a privilege I have them, but my reason for being a SAHM isn’t through choice, it was necessity - add on top of that the majority of housework, admin and scheduling is left to me and I would say it’s the hardest job I’ve ever done. Worth it and more, but still the hardest bloody job I’ve ever done!

Exactly what my sister would say after spending a day with my child. She never HAD TO attend to them or get up at night, be on call 24/7 and being told she doesn't work. She doesn't have a child of her own.

"That's actually bullying.

It's actually not."
It is. Saying on a thread that someone has no empathy, is bullying.

Op only you can know if your husband is a twat. On the face of it he’s half-way there.

My husband is terrible with housework and genuinely bemused as to why I don’t outsource it all and would be perfectly content to have a near full time housekeeper. I find it hard to poke holes in his logic.

He was much the same with the kids when they were younger, you could strike cleaning/housekeeper and insert nanny. It’s not a perfect analogy, but an ok one.

Really depends on what you agreed pre-kids.

"Iam bullyingyou?Get a grip on yourself, Tabby. I’m out."
Mantaray...you said I didnt have the empathy gene!!!!

Saying on a thread that someone has no empathy, is bullying.

I don’t think you know what bullying is. But some of your comments to others about how they ought to perceive looking after their children just because you do? I would definitely say those comments show a lack of empathy, and if you think that’s me bullying you then I think you should add “bullying” to the list of things to look up, alongside “empathy” and “work”.

Presumably as a "high earner" () he doesn't see much of the kids in the week. The fact he doesn't want to get involved with family life at weekends would not be acceptable to me, did he actually want children? How sad for your kids that their father isn't interested. I would rather be single and independent and live apart than expose my kids to a dad who doesn't care for their company.

DH and I both work but at weekend we get one lie in each weekend and only until 8am as we feel it's important to eat breakfast together at the weekend and get on with our day

Saying on a thread that someone has no empathy, is bullying.

It’s really not.

It is. Saying on a thread that someone has no empathy, is bullying

No. It's an accusation that you disagree with. It's an insult, that's come about in the course of a disagreement online as a result of something you've said. Bullying is doing or saying things deliberately to cause upset several times on purpose. So, if I were following you around the site, posting wherever you posted to call you an unempathetic twat, because I know it upsets you, that would be bullying. However, responding to your lack of empathy on this one particular thread by pointing it out is not.

I read somewhere that being a SAHP was more stressful than being a CEO. When something stressful happens we go from green to Amber to red, while we work through the stressful situation. Once it's over our minds go back to green however a SAHP's mind constantly flips between red and Amber as there is no end to the work and everyday is the same...

Actually I said you don't have the empathy gene, not Mantarays. Which means you don't have the ability to see things from other people's perspective and identify with their feelings. As you think it's synonymous with sympathy, you clearly don't understand what it means. You can be a sympathetic person and lack empathy. And you've demonstrated that in this thread.

If you think saying someone lacks empathy is bullying then saying someone is not a nice person, which you said to me, is also bullying (neither is by the way).

He’s not at work 100 percent of the time is he !

Tabby I think that was said because your way of expressing your opinion that you don’t think being a SAHP is the same as work has come across somewhat un-empathetic? That you don’t feel it’s work doesn’t make those who do find being a SAHP wrong to feel that it is work. I’m afraid that it’s come across with a sanctimonious air - whether you intended it to or not. Having it pointed out that your posts are lacking in empathy isn’t bullying.

Also -

work
/wəːk/
noun
1.
activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.

I’d say this pretty much covers looking after and raising your children in any capacity right? SAHP or not?

"don’t think you know what bullying is. But some of your comments to others about how they ought to perceive looking after their children just because you do?"

I've told you a few times now that I think it's fine others have a different opinion. You however dont seem to think the same? You think absolutely everyone should think the same opinion as you, and if they dont, they lack the sympathy gene, And I'm supposed to be the bad one here? Strange.

"TabbyI think that was said because your way of expressing your opinion that you don’t think being a SAHP is the same as work has come across somewhat un-empathetic? That you don’t feel it’s work doesn’t make those who do find being a SAHP wrong to feel that it is work."

Absolutely. I said that a few pages up. Ie that it's fine for other people to have a different opinion and that I appreciate it that I'm coming from a point of someone who works. I said exactly that a few pages up.

I read somewhere that being a SAHP was more stressful than being a CEO. When something stressful happens we go from green to Amber to red, while we work through the stressful situation. Once it's over our minds go back to green however a SAHP's mind constantly flips between red and Amber as there is no end to the work and everyday is the same...

I completely disagree with this as a high earner who works from home with 2 small children. I kind of hit all the boxes being discussed here

I work very closely with 2 CEOs and believe me I would pick being a SAHM everytime. The stress on the CEOs I work with is relentless and immense. The responsibility of employing people, meeting targets, making money, satisfying internal and external pressures of a large company is staggering. It's not at all what people think or what it looks like from the outside. Looking after small children is hard work with a high degree of responsibility but is confined to a a specific set of circumstances and is largely predictable in nature (with the odd curve ball they can throw you ).

If as a SAHM your mind is constantly flipping between amber and red then that to me would be a sign something else was wrong like excessive anxiety and you need additional support.

I think comparing the two is like comparing apples and oranges tbh.

You very clearly are, otherwise you wouldn’t have to constantly point out what a joy you find it being with your kids for a couple of hours at night and weekends. What is the job you’re paid to do instead of being at home with your children? Why didn’t you take longer mat leave?

It sounds like he works bloody hard, he needs the lie in now and again.

*TabbyMumz

Since the opening of this thread, you have commented on others’ comprehension, repeatedly stated as a fact that their perception (which you now claim to accept is just different to yours) is out and out wrong and - worst of all - that to perceive childcare as work, in your opinion, “does a disservice to your children”. You now wish to present yourself as the victim. Well, okay. I think that’s a bit daft, but I’m not going to get into a giant bunfight with you about it.