"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

@TabbyMumz

I do agree with you btw - it feels like a privilege not “work”, but it’s important to call it work sometimes because of all the people who exist who belittle it and act like it entails sitting on one’s arse all day eating bonbons!

TabbyMumz

We get it. You love looking after your children and are happy to do it 24/7. The rest of us can also love looking after our children and consider it work. Let’s just leave it there.

So you work 7 days a week unpaid and he does 5?

Always some really odd attitudes on here, but that's the joy of a messageboard really, different viewpoints. I think whether you find paid work or being a SAHM easier depends on you as a person, what job you had, what support you have evenings and weekends, your child(ren) and what you enjoy doing. I would love to be at home with DS but it's not on the cards, which is good in hindsight as we have now split; but I do view those with envy who can spend these years at home, not because it's easy, but because I would prioritise spending the time with them if I could. I would view it as a privelledge that I had the choice to because my partner would support me, but that would have to mean support when he was home and not thinking I do it all because I don't work. Others are at home due to circumstances and would see going as work as easier, no one is right or wrong. I am intrigued by this notion that everyone who works has paid help though, can someone please arrange some for me, as soon to be ex-DH works away all week and I work full time and don't have a cleaner. Wish I blimmin did.

Berrymuch

I feel very privileged that my DH and I have been able to agree to do what works best for our child. We’re lucky we can manage that, and I am lucky he doesn’t think he is doing me some big favour.

2.30pm lie in is bloody ridiculous. Is he a teenager?

YANBU. He presumably helped create the children so should also be helping to parent them. Who on Earth stays in bed till 2:30 pm except teenagers?!

"Sandscript firstly ignore TabbyManz, she's so pleased with herself she could eat herself. Sadly she lacks the empathy gene"

Well you sound nice, not!!
So...someone says they wouldnt consider looking after their children as work and that equates to them not having empathy!?. That's really weird. I have lots of empathy, but I've not been commenting on that. That doesnt mean I dont have any?.

...can. Mumsnet doesn’t like SAHMs.

FFS "Mumsnet" isn't a single person.

So...someone says they wouldnt consider looking after their children as work and that equates to them not having empathy!?

I think the fact that you insist to everyone else that it isn’t work, rather than that you simply didn’t perceive it to be, when everyone else is telling you they do, shows something along those lines, yes.

I love when men say this *massive eye rolls'
SAHM work for free and it's never ending. How lovely itd be to go to work 9-5, have an uninterrupted sleep every night and get to sit back on the weekends. He is an idiot.

@TabbyMumz You're kidding yeah? Their his kids too, where's mums lie in!

I think whether being a SAHM is as much "work" as being at a job out of the home really depends on the family & the kids.

I'm on maternity leave with DC2. She's an ok sleeper, one feed in the night. DC1 is 3, he is a good sleeper too, never wakes at night. He goes to preschool for 3 hours, 4 times a week (free hours), and DC2 does a 2 hour nap every lunch time. We shop online. I'm not obsessive about cleaning, I hoover the downstairs 3 times a week & the upstairs once, it takes about 20 mins max each time. Kitchen gets a 30 min clean up each evening, bathrooms get 30 mins each twice a week. The online shop takes maybe 15 mins. We have a tumble dryer, I run about 5 loads of washing a week and again this takes minutes. Maybe 10 mins a day. I normally work full time in a demanding high paid job and honestly, being at home with the kids is a billion times easier for me personally - I get time to take the kids out doing fun things, meet friends, or just read a book on the sofa for an hour.

So it really really does depend on the family.

@mantarays THIS!!!

I think your husband only said what he did because you said I do 100% of childcare. So you both threw accusations at the other. I would be annoyed about lying in bed until 2:30. I feel guilty if I lie in until 9 (and my children are old enough to be up without a parent).
I agree that toddlers are hard work, when they are on their 3rd tantrum and it's only 10 o clock, when they want to wear their ballet slippers in the rain or they refuse their favourite food because they decide it's yucky. On top of that you are cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing and shopping. Of course it's hard work.
I'm not sure about you getting a job though. Would your husband really help with drop offs pick up and sick days? Would he help out at home and let you have a lie in? I have a feeling he wouldn't and you'd be even more exhausted doing everything at home and working.
Only you know if he'll step up or not.
Talk to him, ask him about the comment (as in did he mean it? Does he want you to go back to work?) I think his reply will tell you what to do next.

Give him an invoice for everything you take care of, childcare, meals, shopping, cleaning etc etc.

I wonder what the responses would be if he invoiced her for her share of the household bills?

I would love to see someone work out some numbers on this. (I CBA doing it myself .) I suspect that the costs of childcare plus cooking/ shopping/cleaning/laundry etc, which I guess are a housekeeper's job, might outweigh the 'expense' of the SAHP.

Maternity leave is absolutely in no way the same as being a SAHP.

"I think the fact that you insist to everyone else that it isn’t work, rather than that you simply didn’t perceive it to be, when everyone else is telling you they do, shows something along those lines, yes"

I havent insisted on it, I've said what I believe. I've said if other people think differently, that's fine. I've even said I appreciate that I'm coming at it as someone who works.. so I havent insisted on it, as you put it. Even if I had, that still doesnt equate to not having empathy? That's an entirely different thing. Empathy is similar to sympathy, it means feeling sorry for someones situation or feeling "with them" but not quite sorry for them."
And just because you think everybody (not everybody actually) is saying something different that firstly doesnt mean I'm wrong, just a different point of view, and secondly doesnt equate to not having empathy? Do you even know what empathy means?
I might have empathy for someone, but not agree with them.

He is being unreasonable. Anyone who sleeps in till 2.30pm has to get a reality check however much they earn.

I think the 'fight' between SAHPs and working parents is confusing, because as @Shiraznowplease points out, as a mum, you go back to work and you still do all that stuff PPs have talked about as work- potty training/ night waking/ cleaning/ cooking, it's just you now have to do it in your 'downtime' after work. I have done both and, with love and respect to SAHPs, it is much harder to be a working mum. Please don't go back to work just to make a point, enjoy the time, make the most of it and make him wake up before 2.30pm!! If his lie-ins were till 9/10ish then you probably wouldn't be so pissed off.

"Maternity leave is absolutely in no way the same as being a SAHP."
Why not? You are at home, not working? You are looking after a baby all day. To me it's the same.

TabbyMumz

Empathy means something quite different to sympathy. It means being able to understand where others are coming from. I haven’t felt for a single second that you understand, or are willing to try to understand, that others perceive things differently to you. But fine, if you think you have shown that I won’t bother continuing this.

Why not? You are at home, not working? You are looking after a baby all day. To me it's the same.

Because you’re not completely financially dependent on someone else. You’re not taking that risk. You have maximum of one year (in the UK) where you meet other parents on mat leave and hang out with them. You don’t have the isolation that a lot of SAHP have, because you’re only doing it for a little while. It’s not a complete life change. Do you really need this pointed out?

Love wee sneaky ‘not working’ that you put in too - I always feel it’s a bit suspect when people are so desperate to point out what joy they find being around their kids for a few hours at night and at the weekends. We all make our decisions, you don’t have to feel defensive about paying someone else for the work you couldn’t do yourself.

Mantaray...you are not understanding. I wont say I agree where people are coming from because I dont agree with it. If thats what you think empathy is, then you are right, I dont have empathy in this particular situation. That doesnt mean I dont have empathy full stop, which is what you said. Which is actually quite nasty to say about somebody. I dont believe looking after your children is work. That doesnt mean I dont have empathy full stop. That's just a ridiculous comment to make. That's actually bullying. I wont have empathy in this situation with people who say its work, because I dont believe it is that doesnt mean I'm a bad person. I actually said parenting is hard, that's as close as I will go to saying I see where they come from.

TabbyMumz

I am bullying you? Get a grip on yourself, Tabby. I’m out.

And Mantaray I have said it's fine for people to think differently and that I'm seeing it from the point of view of someone who works, or did you not see that bit? What you have done here Mantaray is because you dont agree with my point of view, you are trying to muddy my character and make out I have no empathy. I havent done that to anyone here.