"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

@Nogoodusername that’s the exact argument I had with my DH when I was on mat leave. So because you’ve been at work for 8 hours then that means you don’t lift a finger and I get to do everything 24 hours a day?!

I soon got him sorted out!!

People (mostly men) just don’t value all the free stuff get

Regardless of who works, the housekeeping jobs still need done though. And I would imagine the men not already respecting their wives who stay at home, and don't even attempt to pull their weight - won't suddenly start when she goes off to work.

"work
/wəːk/
noun
1.
activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result."
From an employment law point of view, a "worker" is someone who does work for pay and who has a contract to do such work.
Anyway as I say, I personally cannot call it work looking after my children. As I've said multiple times now, I get that others do. I cant. That doesnt mean that others cant have their point of view, I appreciate that totally. It also doesnt mean I dont have the empathy gene.

From an employment law point of view, a "worker" is someone who does work for pay and who has a contract to do such work.
What's employment law got to do with the price of fish?

It sounds like he works bloody hard, he needs the lie in now and again.
Does the OP not?

I know my DH is tired after a long week and I don't begrudge him a break, but I do get annoyed when he lays about in bed until the afternoon!!

Absolutely.
Staying in be until 2.30pm is not a lie in it is a deliberate avoidance of family involvement and his responsibilities as a parent

@IntermittentParps
upstartcrones wrote a good response on the previous page.

I think your husband only said what he did because you said I do 100% of childcare. So you both threw accusations at the other.
I agree.
One person earning and one person at home only works as a setup if both parties are on board, there's an agreement on how it works, they're both happy with the set up and there's no resentment.

When either party starts throwing accusations about who works harder it's a sign something is wrong.

I think the simple solution in situations such as these is to swap: dad is stay at home dad, mom works full time. End of argument. Then the other can see what a tough life the other has. Or not.

@sandscript why did you mentioned all you'd wage would go into childcare? Are your finances not joint? Surely you would pay a proportionate amount based on your income and so would he?

No matter what type of job you do mon-fri when you have kids a lay in until 2.30 is taking the absolute piss. What happens if you want to go somewhere do you just leave him in bed?

For the record my DP works anything from 8-6 to 7-7 through the week and I do all the childcare yet he often just gets up with DCs on a weekend and let's me lie in anyway because he's not a dick and actually enjoys that bit of one on one he gets with them as he doesn't get it mon-fri.
I do give him lie ins too but he often sneaks out of bed as quietly as possible so I get it instead.

And a lie in is never really past 9.30 in this house.

Sorry about typos.

"TabbyMum...Since the opening of this thread, you have commented on others’ comprehension,"

That was in reaction to someone criticising mine, so I criticised it back!!! Perhaps you missed that.

"Repeatedly stated as a fact that their perception (which you now claim to accept is just different to yours) is out and out wrong
No I havent. I've taken part in a thread. I could argue you've repeatedly said mine is wrong!! I havent said anyones perception is wrong, I've said it's fine people think differently.

-" worst of all - that to perceive childcare as work, in your opinion, “does a disservice to your children”.
How is that "worst of all!" It's my opinion, which I stand by, it's simply a point of view. You dont agree with it and that's fine, but it's not terrible!

"You now wish to present yourself as the victim. "
Well, you did say I was so nice I could eat myself and I lacked the empathy gene. That's not very nice, is it? I however have said nothing of the sort to you.

"Well, okay. I think that’s a bit daft, but I’m not going to get into a giant bunfight with you about it."
But you have havent you?! So you have in fact said something rather nasty to someone, berated them for having an opinion, and then make out they are the bad one? All I have done is stuck to my opinion, which actually isn't so terrible, told others its fine they think differently, and cleared my name with you!!

izzywizzygood, a good response to what? (Yes, I've read the post you cite).

It's my opinion, which I stand by, it's simply a point of view. You dont agree with it and that's fine, but it's not terrible!

We can all say unpleasant things and then hide behind “it’s just my opinion”. I could say I think putting your children into childcare is “doing them a disservice”, couldn’t I? I don’t think that, so wouldn’t say it, but if I did I would be commenting on an intimate, personal aspect of your life and risking causing you pain, so even if I thought that, I wouldn’t say it, and I certainly wouldn’t disingenuously camouflage it behind “I just think that!!!”

🙄

But best leave it there, you’re clearly having a sensitive day.

I always love the “bill him for childcare and housekeeping” comments. I suspect a childminder and cleaner would be far cheaper than having to cover another’s half share of all bills, their food, clothes, toiletries, socialising etc not to mention them not paying their share of the children’s cost so that also needs covering.

Parents who work manage to do homework and housework, it doesn’t need a SAHP to do it or millions wouldn’t manage it daily.

As I see it, he does 100% of the paid work, during this time you do 100% of the house and childcare. When he's home you both do a 50/50 split of house and childcare.

You probably save him more than he earns by being a sahm if you take into consideration everything you do over a 27x7 timeframe

always love the “bill him for childcare and housekeeping” comments. I suspect a childminder and cleaner would be far cheaper than having to cover another’s half share of all bills, their food, clothes, toiletries, socialising etc not to mention them not paying their share of the children’s cost so that also needs covering.

I doubt that. If you had to pay a nanny/ aupair for 24hrs a day, 24x7, plus a cook, cleaner, shopper, washing and ironing service, admin, taxi service etc you'd probably need to fork out between £1500 and £2000 per week. That's if the husband wants to keep his lifestyle of just working and staying in bed on the weekends.

you probably save him more than he earns

In fairness probably not, if he is on £100k+ his take home pay after taxes should be at least £5,545-ish. But that's beside the point, whether he was in a min wage job or a highly paid job, it shouldn't change anything.

He’s taking the piss. I’m off on Mat leave (no baby yet, another much older child so life quite chilled at the moment), husband also high earner with stressful job, often works til 9pm or later, takes calls at weekends etc. Wouldn’t dream of sleeping in that late and is still running the hoover round for me etc!

I will be going back to work when this one is born but if I wasn’t I’d probably expect to do circa 80% of home stuff, taking responsibility for all financial/admin stuff at home, but not letting him do absolutely sweet FA each and every weekend. When is your break then!?

I think it's irrelevant what his job is or how much he earns.
The children are his too and at the weekend it should be 50/50. It's OK to take turns with a lie in, going out, having chill out time.
He's been a bit of a dick.
But be fair to one another, it's all hard work. And fighting about who does more or who's more tired will just end in more arguments and resentment. Neither of you will win.

(my husband wishes he spent more time at home, as he works full time. I'm on maternity leave with no 2- 5 months old. I wish I spent more time away from home. Swings and roundabouts. No one wins)

TheReef, exactly. The work we're talking about is much less like 'a childminder and cleaner' and much more as you describe.

this comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

I would do that. I could not be married to someone who sees me as a servant.

OP,
Any many who would say that to the mother of his children, combined with lying in bed until 14.30 in the day to avoid family is NOT a man I would trust with my best interests.

He has checked out of your relationship and is not invested in family life.

Kindly I would suggest he is ripe for being unfaithful and leaving you and your children down.

I am sorry if that sounds harsh but he is NOT to be trusted.

I would have copies of all relevant paperwork in my procession and I would indeed say that you are going back to work.

They are his children and he will have to pay towards their care.

I would prepare for the worst but hope for the best but I sure as hell would not trust him.

Wishing you well

Of course he is being unreasonable and ignore people who say you should get a job, you already have one looking after your children it's just that you isn't get paid for it. . But that doesn't mean you always have to do it alone 24/7. I'm sure he has breaks at work. When I was at home looking after the kids I remember missing things like lunch breaks. Looking after small children is relentless and he sounds selfish as well as clueless.

This doesn't actually have to turn into a mexican standoff.

Sounds like you are feeling frazzled and unappreciated and it sounds like he is feeling frazzled and unappreciated. Both feeling the same on different sides of the fence. One doesn't trump the other.

You've got young kids and its bloody hard work, believe me I know! But it won't always be like this.

Sounds to me like you both need to stop scoring points off each other and talk about how you are both really feeling. Otherwise you will just go through the motions and prehaps end up splitting due to resentment.

IceCream - when my friend had a nanny (and this is going back 10 years ago), the nanny used to work 7.30-6 and they paid her £35k, plus extra for any overtime outside if this - so probably £40k with extras and bonuses. Then they had a cleaner come three times a week for 3x6 hours, so 18x£12 p/h=£216 per week - or another £10,800 a year. So £50K a year for cleaning, laundry etc and childcare. So didn’t need a evening / night nanny - but as we know, these are far from cheap.

This man only earns £100k, so say what you like, but if he had to pay for all the OP does 24/7, he’d have nothing left.