"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

Obviously he is the one being unreasonable (and rude and patronising).

He may earn 100% of the money, but it does not take 100% of his week 24/7, which are the working hours of caring for young children.

I'm sorry but he sounds awful. The odd late lie in is fine as an agreed luxury, as long as you in turn get your chance for a break. But his attitude is way off.

"TabbyMumzlistening to a kid for ten minutes isn't homework, nor is it teaching them to read. "

Are you trying to say that's all I did? That's quite an assumption. We would do at least an hour reading their nursery books every night with them, teaching them to read. Also went and read with them in libraries, at the weekend. I wish I'd had time to do it immediately after school with them so that the evening was free, but I was out, working.

"We used to do it before school."

I couldnt as we had to leave the house by 7.30, to get to work.

"Homework is the written work - my kids did that at homework club. "

Must have been when they were older as homework clubs dont exist in my area till they get to at least year 6. Or kids had homework right from year 3 or 4, whether it be making a model, drawing something, doing worksheets, learning spellings. Didnt yours do this?

"Readingtoa child is all you need to do with nursery age children - "
Not true. They have to read to you, do spellings etc. Our nursery school goes up to year 4. Perhaps you are thinking of a nursery for babies?

"as a Sahm obviously I read to my under 5s whenever, through the day"

Lucky you, wish I could have done, but I was at work, I had to do this in the evening

but also as both stay at home and then working parent read to them at bedtime. Also not homework and not teaching them to read, and not saving the daytime reading up and doing it in addition at bedtime."

"Why did your nursery age children get homework? "

Because they did?! Again, perhaps you are mixing up nursery with school nursery? Our school nursery went up to year 4. Call it infants if you like.

"Why did their 100% perfect childcare provider not read to them?"

Because that's not part of a childminders role? They have other children?!

"Why did they not learn to read at school supported by just ten minutes per day at home, like most children?"

Most schools require you to do stuff with them at home. Do yours not?

Y"ou did make the daft, logistically impossible claim that work outside the house parents of potty training toddlers do all that sahp do "plus work too" early in the thread, check your own posts back."

I was referring to all the house care, cleaning, homework etc. Working parents do have to do this on top of work. Or do you think they dont? I didnt mention potty training, but actually a lot of potty training gets done at home, when working parents get home, and at weekends..or do you think that just happens 9 to 5? Perhaps the toddlers hold it in when working mums get home?

Does he spend any time with the children? He works long hours and then stays in bed until 2.30 for the whole weekend? That does sound like he prefers not being with his children. Maybe rather than couching it as childcare, encourage him to spend some one to one time with his kids.

Sandscript firstly ignore TabbyManz, she's so pleased with herself she could eat herself. Sadly she lacks the empathy gene.

Anyway, I understand about it being easier to let it slip than to challenge him. But if you can somehow get enough rest to build up your energies to have a proper discussion about it, then it would be much better in the long run. It may cause huge resentment for you when you come out of that exhaustion-produced fog.

I understand about the men with the 'important job'. But there has to be give and take in a marriage, or otherwise you become a domestic servant. That means he needs to respect you and communicate with you. No reason why he shouldn't have a lie-in sometimes. But what is he doing to recognise your contributions to the family? How is he giving you a break?

It really is this simple
Equal number of lie ins
Equal amounts of leisure time
Equal amounts of fun money

It is hard when they are little - it it physically exhausting and can feel relentless, so you have to be kind to each other which includes both being fair

Have a proper conversation with him. If you're doing 100% of the childcare, then you get no break. He does.
Agree to split the lie ins. One day each on the weekend, and alternate days.

Start passing on childcare tasks to him. Sometimes we get in a rut of automatically doing everything and the other parent may feel excluded or that they don't/can't do anything.
He should become responsible for at least one aspect of the children's lives. It can be bed time when he's at home. It can be taking to the park on the weekend.

Well if he's not working at the weekend he's not earning money so should be helping out.

You need to be strong, clear and honest with him about how you feel. Listen to how he feels. You both need to pull together to work as a team to manage family life, bit that does involve you each feeling respected and valued for the contribution you make.

Staying in bed until 2.30 both days at the weekend when your young family is in the house is really odd in my opinion. Could something else be going on?

FWIW we take turns at the weekend but the lie-in is only until 8am! We have early risers...

I work PT having had 2 x maternity leave and the days I'm in the office are amazing to recharge physically and emotionally, and to extend myself intellectually and socially. I love having that balance.

Also a lot of parents cant get their kids to homework club as it's only for 45 mins after school and you cant get there to pick up at that time, so they have to go to childminders as usual, getting picked up much later, hence you having to do homework with them at home, much later.

The reason I'd advise you to get some form of paid employment is because in the event of a split or something it will be more difficult to get a job if you've been out of employment for ages. People think marriage means you'll be fine bur divorces can take ages to come through and people can hide assets etc.

the "I earn 100% of the money" was in direct response to the childcare comment, so seems all a bit tit for tat. I agree. Fwiw he shouldn't be lying in til the afternoon, it should be shared.

I will say I found being at home the easiest time of my life, and that's without a cleaner or use of a nursery. I work, have 3 under 5 including a breastfed 5 month old so it's tough. Staying at home was so much easier and would have been a different league having a husband earn so much.

We have had success in the past with each having a lie-in one weekend morning but over time we've fallen in to a routine where he just lies in both days and because I can't face the argument (for the nth time) I just do it myself.
Rather than arguing, can you say calmly to him, 'What has worked in the past is each of us having a lie-in one weekend morning. I'd like to start that again from this weekend; I'll have a lie-in Saturday and you on Sunday.'?

Sorry I pressed post too soon. Different people find different things difficult. So if a sahp found it more difficult than working I'd advise them to re enter the workforce.

Apart from sleeping at the weekend what else does your DH do OP?

What hours does he usually work?

DH is a high earner (not investment banker type salary but higher than average salary). When DS was born we were both on similar average salary. I worked PT after maternity leave and we car shared on most of the days I worked. Meant DH couldn’t work overtime on those days. We found it very stressful juggling jobs, commuting and looking after DS so I became SAHM. DH’s career flourished then as could spend more hours, energy etc on work.
He still tries to have as much time with DS as he can. No way would he be having lie ins until 2.30.

There seem to be so many of these posts at the moment; high earning lazy father, put upon SAHM. It makes me wonder if these men really even wanted children or it’s just the women that want them and the men don’t really give it much thought.
I often think this too. Why bother with a wife and children that you dont want to spend any time with? My DH sometimes tries the 'oh I'm so busy' line but we earn the same and work similar hours, so he gets short shrift.

He is being very unreasonable. When he is home from work, childcare, household tasks should be shared. You need and deserve downtime too , bringing up DC is hard work too.
It would also be nice to spend quality time together as a family . Unless you're ill, laying in bed until 2:30pm on both weekend days when you have DC is utterly selfish and irresponsible.
You need to have a calm conversation, would he rather you return to work? Would you rather return to work too? How would you share childcare , household tasks if and when you return?
Unless you've been a sahm with young DC I don't think you realise how draining it can be.

It’s funny how being a SAHP isn’t work until you pay someone else to do it.

Different people find different things difficult. So if a sahp found it more difficult than working I'd advise them to re enter the workforce.

That's a bit simplistic though. The requirements of each person, and each family, and the opportunities available to them, are all different.

I find the days at home far more challenging than my days at work but I don't work full time because it wouldn't be the best thing for my family, and therefore ultimately for me. And just because my days at home are challenging and gruelling doesn't mean I don't want to do them, I do.

The problem for many people, parents and carers of every kind, is that when a job is not rewarded by money, others do not consider it to be of value.

Laying in till 2.30 on both days is a psstake, but the "I earn 100% of the money" was in direct response to the childcare comment, so seems all a bit tit for tat*

I agree with @TheGreatWave

In his mind it might have been tit for tat, but he isn't working 100% of the time.

I agree with PP- you may need to get a job to keep this relationship afloat as he clearly doesn't respect the SAHM role. This is why I work- I had a taste of being financially beholden to DH on maternity leave and it did not work well for us.

9 is a lie in, 2.30pm is a piss take and a deliberate avoidance of family life. I’d be doing fuck all for him.

Give him an invoice for everything you take care of, childcare, meals, shopping, cleaning etc etc.

I wonder what the responses would be if he invoiced her for her share of the household bills?

"Being a SAHM when they are little is the hardest work I’ve ever done!
It’s relentless....."
No ones disputing its harder times, parenting is!!. I just wouldnt call it work. I think it does a disservice to your child calling it work. I just cant call looking after my child, work. It feels wrong. It's a privilege.

DH is a very high earner and gets up with DS every day early so I can have an hour as he is not sleeping, I do all nights and I’m pregnant. He pulls his weight at the weekends because although I am a SAHM and I love it, it’s bloody exhausting and I’m alone all week so no respite. Absolutely going to get a bit of help with baby number 2 during the week because it’s shattering!

14.30 is a fucking ridiculous lie in for a grown up.

A SAHM is a full time job; a Go to Work Dad (GTWD) is part time.