"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

Who do you think looked after them in the evenings and at weekends?

Why is this relevant? You thought it was worth paying someone for during the day ie childcare was important enough to pay someone else to do the vast majority of it for you. You don’t see it as work because you don’t do it, full-time childcare for your own children is something you outsource.

That's ridiculous. I didnt mean your child...

Then you need to take far more care with your language and tone, because how many people on this thread do believe you are talking to them?

It's not about whether or not it's more or less stressful to work full time or to be a SAHM. It's whether or not it's reasonable to never get a break. The OP is not arguing that her life is harder, just that it's not fair that because her DH works outside the home, he is more entitled to rest than she is, and apparently she's not entitled to any rest at all.

Whether or not you enjoy looking after small children is immaterial, it's not a rest as you're constantly on the go and if you're doing all the housework too, you're doing that while they're occupied or napping.

"The evenings and weekends aren’t the same though at all. It’s not relentless. If you looked after them 24/7 you might feel differently. Particularly as it would include Monday-Friday which is the usual working week."
But I have looked after them Monday to Friday. I did that on mat leave too.

You were arguing people say things I'd move on unless he is at all controlling about money in a 'well I earn it' kind of way

How long did you take for mat leave Tabby?

"Then you need to take far more care with your language and tone, because how many people on this threaddobelieve you are talking to them?"
And you need to be less sensitive. When people talk on a thread, it doesnt mean it's at you personally.

He is BU, but yes, if you get a job you can throw that comment back at him. Most guys I know with SAHM's use this set up to their favour and expect the house to be taken care of. It tends to change when the SAHM gets a job. It shouldn't be that way, but that's what I see.

I've done both and I would say being a working parent is much harder, but being a SAHM is still hard and can be exasperating at times. I prefer to work if I'm being honest, just wish it wasnt full time, as it's exhausting.

TabbyMumz

I think your comments clearly take in the collective. You will obviously deny this. But I know what I believe about it.

OP, if you don’t already, you need to get a cleaner in maybe twice a week. Get one Fri pm, then at least the house is fired for the weekend.

Your DH is not a disaffected teenager or a goth. He is a father. I dint care if he is the flaming PM. Staying in bed until 2.30 when you have two little ones is pathetic.

I guess he disc that see much of them during the week?

Maybe he could take them out for a couple of hours in his own if the weekend? Is he confident enough to do this, do you think?

If he’s not confident to have them both on his own outdoors, then he could stay in and you could just go for a coffee, or get your haircut / shopping / yoga for a few hours?

There are always endless debates on mumsnet about whether being a sahm is work or not. At the end of the day, it’s not helping the OP which is what the point of the thread was. If avoiding helping with the children is a normal pattern, she has a big problem with her DH. Unless poorly, staying in bed until 2.30 for two days running is just taking the piss and is just a bit sad that her husband doesn’t really want to spend time with his children. That is more of the fundamental issue than whether sahm parents are at work or not.

@TabbyMumz

Are you being deliberately obtuse?! Mat leave is a temporary state of affairs. As is the occasional week off. Being at home permanently is the equivalent of being at your job permanently. Except getting home from work as a SAHM is still being with work! 😂😁🙈

I find it odd how no one can seem to understand that people just feel differently about working and about being a SAHM !! DD is an 'easy' child, I hate phrasing it like that as I don't think people are easy or difficult, but just to illustrate. She slept through from 1830 to 0730 reliably, was content to do whatever, could pop in car or pram and do what we needed to do easily, just ate what we did happily, and at baby groups etc always seemed okay...being at home was easier than my physically and mentally challenging job. Doesn't mean anyone else feels the same !!! I don't get the competitiveness. Although I don't think it's nice to refer to it as work either, doesn't mean it doesn't involve hard work, but it's weird when it's looking atter your children. Outsourcing is a horrible way to phrase it too, but we all jealous I guess !!!

OP you need to speak to him !!!

It's not the same as being at a job 24/7 is it, those kind a ridiculous statements !!! Get in the real world.

"Who do you think looked after them in the evenings and at weekends?"

"Why is this relevant?"

Because you said I didnt look after them in the week That isnt true. I looked after them in the week in the evenings and at weekends.
"You thought it was worth paying someone for during the day"
Well I had to, because I was at work, I dont get your point?

"ie childcare was important enough to pay someone else to do the vast majority of it for you."

Well yes, because I had to.

"You don’t see it as work because you don’t do it, full-time childcare for your own children is something you outsource."

Yes I did outsource it during working hours. But I still dont see it as work when I do it. My Mum was a stay at home Mum. She'd never say I was work or that looking after me was relentless. She was parenting me, raising me, enjoying being with me, she loved every minute of it, as I do, when I'm with my children. I get some people think differently, but I just cant bring myself to say my children are work.

YOU DO NOT SEE IT AS WORK BECAUSE YOU DO NOT DO IT ALL THE TIME!!!

😂😂😂

I give up! I bloody give up! It’s not that hard 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Shrubsie you don’t have to be jealous- we all make our choices for what suits our family best Belittling someone else for making a different choice is the issue here. Pretending that childcare isn’t work until you pay someone else to do it doesn’t make sense, it is or it isn’t. Pretending you know what being a SAHP is when you’ve never done it is stupid. Pretending that mat leave is the same as being a SAHM is stupid. Pretending that you do as much childcare as a SAHP when you work full time is stupid. It doesn’t make logical sense.

@Pumperthepumper

Yes!!! 1000 x yes to your last post!

"Are you being deliberately obtuse?! Mat leave is a temporary state of affairs. As is the occasional week off. Being at home permanently is the equivalent of being at your job permanently. Except getting home from work as a SAHM is still being with work!"
The phrase sahm doesnt mean it's a permanent thing forever. Some people do it for a year, 6 months, less even, they are still a sahm. So being on maternity for a year is the same. It's ridiculous to say it isnt. It's exactly the same and you are looking after a baby and often other children, which you could argue is harder than being a sahm who has school age children.

"Pretending that you do as much childcare as a SAHP when you work full time is stupid"
I never said that?!

Well I had to, because I was at work, I dont get your point?

Did you pay someone to watch your children? Why? It’s work or it isn’t. You don’t see it as work because you’ve never provided full time childcare for your own children yourself, you’ve always outsourced it. I don’t visiting my mum as work because I only do it a few times a year. People don’t see it differently - most people enjoy being with their own children. But the difference is some people do it full time and some don’t. You don’t. So your opinion on it not being work is baseless, because you’ve no idea how you’d feel doing it more than six weeks out of fifty-two.

Also, for the third time: how much mat leave did you take?

"YOU DO NOT SEE IT AS WORK BECAUSE YOU DO NOT DO IT ALL THE TIME!!!

I give up! I bloody give up! It’s not that hard 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️"

No. I do not see it as work because looking after my own children is not work. It's not that hard.

Yes it’s not work for
You @Tabbymumz because you have another job and look after your children in your spare time. HTH

‘Are you being deliberately obtuse?! Mat leave is a temporary state of affairs. As is the occasional week off.’

I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. Being on mat leave for a year is going to give a pretty good idea of what it’s like to be a sahm, especially if it’s for second and subsequent children. I’ve loved both of my mat leaves. If I quit my job to be a sahm next year, it would be far easier than my mat leave this year as my eldest would be in school.