"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

I honestly don’t understand what is so “stressful” about being a SAHP of pre school age children. Your day is literally your own, and if you make it difficult that is down to you. You’re not punching a time clock or answering to anyone else. If you want to stay in your pyjamas all day, that’s your business. I do understand the terminal boredom of being at home, and the misery of a baby that cries all the time but it’s totally different from being answerable to an employer. (Please note, I said different not easier or harder).

I love my kids with all my heart but I'd 100000% rather have a full time job than spend every waking hour with a 1 yr old and 3 yr old. I have nothing but respect for my DH that he can do that. I would never hold my earnings over him. We function as a unit, what he does supports me far more than him having a job would.

"Give him an invoice for everything you take care of, childcare, meals, shopping, cleaning etc etc."

Why oh why do people still say this? Only to have him turn around and give her an invoice for her part of the mortgage, food, clothes, transportation, utilities, landscaping, cell phone.

This..

It is true though that if you take your eye off the ball as a banker, the worst that could happen is you lose lot of money and could be sacked. Take your eye off the ball as a mum, a child could be dead.

Take the eye off the ball if you're in a lot of jobs, and it could result in deaths. Emergency services, health professionals, drivers, builders, window cleaners, school staff, catering staff etc.

I've worked in some of the above and compared to the stresses of parenting, including sole parenting, I found those job a lot more stressful than parenting not only my own but having their mates tag along.

Yes but this man does not sound as if he works for the emergency services, does he? Again, all those jobs are relatively low paid, which is my point.

Anyway, I don’t know why people get into trying to compare roles. It’s like comparing apples and pears.

My DH runs various companies and is a workaholic, frankly. There’s no way I could do all that because it’s not my personality. But he also freely admits he couldn’t have been at home with 4 kids because he doesn’t have the patience or the personality to do so. He would go mental after about two days. People have different levels of resilience for different things.

The point I was making was there are a lot of jobs that the end result can be death.
For all, we know the op's DH might be Mi5 or something, and unlike the banker, his mistakes could cost lives.

Someone mentioned how as a SAHP you don't have to answer to anyone. That made me smile. Yes you do have to answer to someone. Like a small person who relies on you totally and doesn't care if you're tired, sick or haven't had a shower for a few days.

I honestly don’t understand what is so “stressful” about being a SAHP of pre school age children.

Hmm. Honestly?

This week, the things that have caused me stress (not an exhaustive list) are:

• DD deciding she doesn’t want to go outside when we have errands to run, lying on the floor and screaming
• DD throwing up in her bed
• regular potty training accidents, including number 2s
• constant requests for attention when I am cooking or cleaning
• insistence on wearing X or Y items that are in the wash or wet
• drawing on the walls
• wanting things literally as soon as I am doing something else

You see? Nothing outrageous, and she’s a very good child in general, but she is also a little irrational human who has lots of immediate needs and wants. This can be stressful for me.

People say calculate how much it would cost to outsource the work you do to counter the belittling that goes on when someone does a job/s in an unpaid capacity.

The paid partner benefits from never having to take time off of their work to take care of sick children and being able to work unsociable hours- often at short notice. They have an invaluable, reliable childcare which allows them choices.

Meanwhile the SAHP invariably gets taken advantage of and suffers in terms of their career prospects whilst they are supporting their family.

It is important to link the work done with the monetary value of outsourcing it because 'unpaid work' is routinely undervalued on all sorts of levels.

A SAHP also contributes to others in a paid working environment - they are not having to cover for their absence when childcare issues arise.

Unfortunately when the child benefit changes were made for higher earners this further undermined SAHP and their contribution to wider society.

'Wifework' can/does so easily go unnoticed (by definition!) and it's a useful way of reminding oneself of its value in a tangible way.

It does but so does all work. Do you think the OP is showing her husband gratitude every day he's out at work, would anyone expect her to?
This isn't to say I agree with her DH not pulling his weight. Although I think it's more to do with their relationship and communication rather than who has the harder day tbh. Although I can't imagine being in a relationship where my other half didn't want to help - from each side.

He is able to earn 100% of the money because you do 100% of the childcare.

Regardless of who does what, or who earns what, laying in bed till 2:30 on both days when you have small children is a complete pisstake, very selfish and he is missing spending precious time with his family. Going forward, I would invest in a water gun and squirt him if he wasn’t out of his pit after 10am.

I worked when my first child was born, I stayed at home when my second child was born.....it was easier working by far- I got a whole 45 minute lunch break to myself and I could go to the toilet uninterrupted and also have a conversation with a adult uninterrupted plus eat my meals without sharing!!

Being a stay at home parent is harder than going to work 8 hours of the day I can assure you!

Back when I was working full time I worked shifts on a rota basis for essential emergencies that required 24/7 365 cover, so weekends, bank holidays, Christmas etc all included. Made our childcare slightly cheaper as at the time as we had family help that fitted in with the shifts (which we no longer have.) Shift patterns were morning, evening or night (7.30am-3.30pm, 3.30pm-11.30pm and 11.30pm-7.30 am) but the offices also had standard full time Monday-Friday 9-5 workers as well. My husband was off on annual leave and we needed the money so I used 2 weeks annual leave off my shifts to work the normal 9-5 standard hours as overtime. It was heaven. I went to work while husband sorted the kids and got their breakfasts, he took care of the everyday cleaning, lunches, entertaining, school runs, club runs (ballet, rugby tots, rainbows, swimming, piano, jo jingles), cooking, washing, ironing, groceries - did the night time wakenings because I was the one "working" the next day. I got breakfast in peace, 2 tea breaks in peace, a precious lunch hour in peace, unlimited hot cups of hot coffee at my desk, solitary and private trips to the bathroom. I got to have adult conversations,got to do work where I was challenged, appreciated, interested and motivated. I got to come home to a cooked dinner and to 2 kids who had missed me all day and covered me in hugs and kisses and wanted to play with me (complete opposite to what I get as SAH). I got to do the lovely bath and story time and bedtime routine which I appreciated much more as i had been away all day. I then got down time as my husband had everything else done, went to bed for a SOLID nights sleep and repeated for 2 glorious weeks with lovely bonding weekends in between. Spending time with kids didnt feel like work then because I didn't have them 24/7 and was getting the fun stuff while getting a break from them while someone else did the hard and mundane part. While working I was seen as contributing but being at home with my kids I'm seen as a lay about who doesnt work.

100% was much much easier than being the stay at home parent I am now. And my husband has openly said that he has no idea how I do it, as that fortnight nearly finished him off. Our circumstances changed and we could only afford for one of us to remain in work. We both earned the same, but as I have a lot more patience it was me who remained at home. But I have a husband who appreciates how hard it is, we fully support each other and when he is home he shares the load. He may be bringing the money in, but I'm saving us the cost of childcare, a cleaner and the second car we used to have to run. Plus my children are much happier and get to much more clubs etc with me home. I would much rather be at work, engaging my brain, doing things that interest me, and challenge me, having adult conversations and getting a break from the constant and never ending cycle of running, cooking, cleaning, tidying, repeat. I love my kids and I know it wont be forever. And my husband is a fabulous man who never holds his earning over me and sees the value in what I do for our family. I really detest being told i don't work and have it easy. I have worked full time, part time and SAH while being a parent and they all have their challenges. Me, personally i have found being SAH the most difficult. All of them are hard in different ways and I would never judge a working parent for working, (I did it myself when I had the chocie) but for some reason it's ok to judge the SAHs. You know nothing about our circumstances. For me, it isn't a choice yo be at home, it's our only option. For someone to say that they dont see what I do as work, would it be ok for me to turn around and say that I dont see what you do as parenting? Because I may not be "working" when you are, but equally you are not "parenting" when I am. I would never say such a thing, as for one I don't believe it but also because it's rude, ignorant and unnecessarily hurtful.

As your husband earns so much I think it would be quite reasonable or you to have some domestic help which would give you some much needed time off.

The recent storms have induced snuggle days in many people, plus it's quite dark early in the morning at the moment. I'd try and encourage your babies to have a lay in too, if they climb in with you in the morning keep the curtains closed as if it is still the middle of the night and they'll probably snooze happily for longer, all snuggled up with mum and dad.

However your husband should let you stay in bed, asleep and on your own, some mornings at the weekend. He has no idea how exhausting looking after a home and children can be and it wouldn't hurt for him to be left in charge at times.

Good idea to think of getting a job, you'd feel better in yourself if you had something interesting to do away from home.

Your DH is being totally unreasonable not to share in the childcare and chores at the weekend, and I would actually be upset that he'd rather spend so much time in bed rather than with his kids. What a pig!

I dont view being with my kids and caring for them / looking after them as work. I get 6 weeks off a year, and when I'm off with them, I view it as family time. When I was on mat leave I didnt view it as work either. I was "off, on maternity leave". I'm not saying looking after children is easy, it isn't, I just can't bring myself to say its work. My children arent work, they are family. I'm a carer for my partner, I dont view that as work either. Its caring for him, looking after him.

You don’t consider it work because you only do it six weeks out of the year. It is work for the person you pay to do it the other 46 weeks.

You don’t consider it work because you only do it six weeks out of the year. It is work for the person you pay to do it the other 46 weeks

Yes - this. My understanding from your previous comments was that you are a SAHM. If you aren’t, @TabbyMumz it’s a bit stupid to say it’s not work! Of course it’s not work - you barely do the whole24 hours a day thing.

@gingersausage

If you’re sitting at home in your pyjamas as a parent every single day you are doing a very shit job. Doing a good job of being a parent etc stimulating your children, educating them and keeping them safe and happy and amused - it’s difficult.

"It's my opinion, which I stand by, it's simply a point of view. You dont agree with it and that's fine, but it's not terrible!"

"We can all say unpleasant things and then hide behind “it’s just my opinion”. I could say I think putting your children into childcare is “doing them a disservice”, couldn’t I? I don’t think that, so wouldn’t say it, but if I did I would be commenting on an intimate, personal aspect of your life and risking causing you pain, so even if I thought that, I wouldn’t say it, and I certainly wouldn’t disingenuously camouflage it behind “I just think that!!!”

Mantaray...saying I couldnt call my children work, and if I did I'd feel like I was doing them a disservice is not a nasty jibe at anyone. I'm not sure why you think it is, or why you feel terribly offended by it!? I think your the one having the sensitive day?!

Tabby

You said, “I think it does a disservice to your child calling it work.”

That isn’t you, it’s your opinion on me. You can deny that all you like.

If I said, “I think it does a disservice to your children putting them in childcare”, you’d be rightly offended. None of my business how you decide to organise your lives. And none of your business how I see childcare. But you obviously think differently, so yes, I am prepared to call that out.

"You don’t consider it work because you only do it six weeks out of the year. Itiswork for the person you pay to do it the other 46 weeks."
Who do you think looked after them in the evenings and at weekends? Yes it is work for the childminder etc, because they are looking after someone else's kids. I dont consider it work when I look after my own kids, as the childminder wouldnt when she clocks off for the night and looks after her own kids. I dont consider doing the shopping and cleaning work either, its just stuff that we all have to do. When a Father commented he couldnt go out because he was doing childcare, he got jumped on because he was not doing childcare, he was parenting.

tabbymumz

The evenings and weekends aren’t the same though at all. It’s not relentless. If you looked after them 24/7 you might feel differently. Particularly as it would include Monday-Friday which is the usual working week.

"You said, “I think it does a disservice to your child calling it work.”

That isn’t you, it’s your opinion on me. You can deny that all you like."

That's ridiculous. I didnt mean your child, I was talking about how I would feel if I said it about my child. I feel it would be a disservice, it would feel totally wrong to me.
you can say what you like to your child. I didnt mean that at you!!!