"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

I completely agree that sleeping until 2.30 should be a giant, flashing 'warning' sign.

My husband can be a bit of a princess and will very occasionally sleep until 10 or 11 which I find repulsive, to be honest. It takes me probably a week to find him attractive again after that. (wow - I don't think I've ever even admitted that to myself before).

He'd probably have a fair point if your kids were aged 8 and 10. But they're not - looking after a baby is harder than pretty much any paid job.

As I see it, he does 100% of the paid work, during this time you do 100% of the house and childcare. When he's home you both do a 50/50 split of house and childcare.

I like this bit thank you! I'm going to tell him this.

I think it’s sad when a discussion like this breaks down into pounds and pence. We could send our daughter to full time childcare and we would be quite a bit better off. We don’t do that because we believe (for our daughter at least) that she benefits from being at home. Whether or not I benefit from it (and quantifying that benefit and trying to turn it into lie ins), is not the first thing in my husband’s mind. He works because it’s the best thing for our family. I stay home for the same reason.

Sleeping until 2.30 is very odd, unless he works nights. With or without DC, but particularly with them

OP, I think he only said “I earn 100% of the money” because you said, “I do 100% childcare.” You made him feel guilty and he got defensive.

However, if he is one of these odious men who will lord their salary over you while you look after their children, then going back to work won’t have any impact, unless you out-earn them. They will always take the attitude of the big “I am”.

I’ve been SAH for 16 years and my DH has never raised the “I earn all the money” nonsense with me as frankly, he’s just glad he has a wife who is prepared to SAH.

This man only earns £100k, so say what you like, but if he had to pay for all the OP does 24/7, he’d have nothing left.

Until he bills you the going rate for rent, utilities, Wi-Fi your half of the tv licence/ sky, the food you eat and consumables you use. Plus as the cold is yours surely you'd only be able to bill him for his half of any housework and child care.

2.30 is a ridiculous time for a lie in. Was he asleep that whole time or just hiding away avoiding parenting his children?

I work as a freelancer and so have taken periods of time off over the years, largely when the children were small. So and having done both, I 100% disagree that looking after small children is harder than a stressful full time job.

Perhaps the OP needs to speak to her husband about his stress levels. Wanting to sleep all day sounds like he is struggling with his mental wellbeing.

This man only earns £100k, so say what you like, but if he had to pay for all the OP does 24/7, he’d have nothing left..

But anything is possible in a hypothetical situation, if OP was at work he might help out which means the only expense would be childcare, trying to illustrate it like this to him will exasperate the situation, because it's ridiculous.

You don’t get to opt out of parenting just because you have a job, I don’t understand why these men have kids in the first place.

I don't understand why this becomes the norm. Surely who does what should be talked about at before pregnancy, or at least during pregnancy. Not like years down the line in some cases.

Any person who willingly chooses to give up their freedom so blindly is a bloody fool tbh.

‘I read somewhere that being a SAHP was more stressful than being a CEO. When something stressful happens we go from green to Amber to red, while we work through the stressful situation. Once it's over our minds go back to green however a SAHP's mind constantly flips between red and Amber as there is no end to the work and everyday is the same.’

I’m sorry but there is no way being a sahm is more stressful than being a CEO. That is just bollocks designed to make sahp feel better. That’s not to say that being at home with the children isnt stressful in its own way but it is not the same pressure as being responsible for a company and the livelihood of hundreds or thousands of people.

I’m on mat leave at the moment and have had various debates with my high earning husband about how much he should be doing at home. He can be lazy domestically but would never lounge around in bed until 2.30. Once your children start picking up activities/parties etc, he’ll have to do his fair share of running around. Mine has always done Saturday morning swimming for example and it’s a nice way for him to spend 1:1 time with the children.

Your children are at an age where they will be hard work. Mine are small too (3 and 11m). Some days I’m frazzled but others are quite easy- especially the days when the older one is in nursery. I don’t think it helps to pretend being at home is the same as being at work. Emphasising the tiredness or relentlessness is probably a better way than trying to score points with your husband.

I have an exceptionally stressful job with long hours and on call which means middle of the night wake ups and I can categorically say that being at work is less relentless and tiring than being at home with my baby. I’m on mat leave currently. That’s not to say I wouldn’t far rather be at home with my child, because I would.
But when DH is at home it’s 50/50 and I have no idea why it would be any other way.
He gets a lie in on a Saturday and I get a lie in on a Sunday. And by lie in I mean 9ish. We’re not teenagers.
Anyway he doesn’t see DS all week aside from bottle and bath during the witching hour so he’s excited to spend time with him on a weekend, whereas by that point I’m done in haha.

But it's all personal experience and feelings, for me I find work a lot more stressful, but I can see why people find the opposite to be the case. Comparing to CEO is a bit of a reach though to be honest.

More stressful than a CEO.

That would be the martyr mums.

I always love the “bill him for childcare and housekeeping” comments
Me too.
DH cooked last night, could he bill me the going rate for a decent chef?
I'm at home with the baby all day, could I bill him the cost of professional childcare?

Some peopleselectively don't grasp the difference between running your own house/parenting your own children with doing a task as a paid professional.
They're often the types who'll start listing what they do all day right down to waving the children out the door and making their own breakfast (true thread), make a point of how they are so busy and don't stop, whilst sitting on MN.

It’s pointless getting into this tit for tat nonsense about this is more stressful than that. There are different kinds of stress. People have resilience for different things.

The kind of stress a social worker faces, for instance, is different to that faced by a CEO. There’s no easier, just different.

It is true though that if you take your eye off the ball as a banker, the worst that could happen is you lose lot of money and could be sacked. Take your eye off the ball as a mum, a child could be dead. It takes a second for them to fall down the stairs, put something in their mouths and choke, or veer into the road, etc. Keeping children safe takes more than attention, it’s instinct - and never being able to switch off that instinct, or hand over to someone else, wears down your adrenalin levels.

It’s bizarre when you think that the nursery staff we entrust to keep the most important people in our lives safe, are among the lowest paid in society. We pay people more per hour to clean our homes or do our gardens. This is how skewed society has become.

Whatever you think of the value of different people’s roles, everyone needs a break. Not being to switch off 24/7 is bad for anyone’s health, regardless of what it is they do.

Putting the job and earnings aside (but I do think he is out if order.)

I wouldn't want to be with someone so disinterested in the kids we had together. Surely they want to spend time with their dad???

LolaSmiles and others, the 'bill him' comments are usually meant as a thought experiment IMO (that's certainly how I see them). 'Wifework' can/does so easily go unnoticed (by definition!) and it's a useful way of reminding oneself of its value in a tangible way. It's not necessarily or usually the case that someone isn't grasping the difference between running your own house/parenting your own children and paid work.

To those commenting on the SAHP stress being more than CEO stress, I'm just quoting the study (Trying to find a link) however there are lots of other studies that suggest being a SAHP is more stressful.

Subjectively I found it harder and that was with support. I loved when I finally went back to work.

I think the important point from this thread though is its highlighted that perhaps this is a bit of a sore issue for a lot of women who have chosen to continue to work and outsource childcare. These women have made a decision and I'm certainly not judging you for it but from some of your defensive comments you appear to be judging yourselves.

We are all just trying to get by as best as we can, bringing up kids the best way we know how to and should be proud of that.

Im a stay at home mum I don't see it as work. I just feel really privileged my DH earns enough (nowhere near ops) so I could stay home with my younger kids. I worked with my eldest full time

I don’t see parenting as work either. Then again, I don’t itemise household tasks, life admin etc and class them as my second job just as DH doesn’t.

Some people happen to do what they love for a job. Some writers. Some athletes. Some gardeners. Some zookeepers. Loving your work doesn’t make it “not work”. The test is in the definition given above.

"Give him an invoice for everything you take care of, childcare, meals, shopping, cleaning etc etc."

Why oh why do people still say this? Only to have him turn around and give her an invoice for her part of the mortgage, food, clothes, transportation, utilities, landscaping, cell phone.

OutOntheTilez I tend to think that too when that line gets trotted out. Slippery slope if you go that way and actually completely counter productive.

When children are very small like the OPs then its hard work

When they are at school or sometimes playschool then mostly (not always) life gets easier