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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be this upset over Caroline Flack?

337 replies

RA890 · 16/02/2020 22:27

I just can't stop thinking about it. Has really knocked me sideways. Been sort of just floating around feeling weird about it all weekend.

Anyone else??

OP posts:
unique1986 · 19/02/2020 19:06

I never understand how people manage to kill themselves in that way it sounds like it could easily go wrong.
Normally you hear about police finding people in the woods you know by a tree with some rope.
Dare I say it normally drugs were involved and alcohol.
But it always makes me question so if the drugs and alcohol weren't involved would they still going through with it..

DateLoaf · 19/02/2020 19:15

I think it’s fine (and an understandable human reaction) to be sad over someone’s death if you feel you ‘knew’ them slightly through them being a familiar face on tv or someone you saw around in town or whatever. Suicide is utterly devastating for the person, their family and friends, colleagues- it’s a terrible thing. feeling bad about it for quite a while, even when it’s someone you only ‘know’ in an emotional connection way is understandable too.
Why not also do something positive with your feelings and write to your MP and ask them to press for more government investment in mental health support?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/02/2020 19:18

I feel sorry for Andrew Brady , whilst clearly
Not the brightest he has clearly been through the mill and will have very conflicted feelings about this

ChicChicChicChiclana · 19/02/2020 19:20

Microdot
Maybe you are unaware of Andrew Brady's social media posts about CF after they split up but before she died?

DoctorMarten · 19/02/2020 19:22

Some of you are complaining about the excessive coverage while citing things that have been in the papers... do you see the problem?!

Microdot · 19/02/2020 19:26

Maybe you are unaware of Andrew Brady's social media posts about CF after they split up but before she died?

No, i'm not aware but what's that got to do with it?

YouCanNeverHaveEnoughGIitter · 19/02/2020 19:44

It is clear that Andrew Brady is grieving and in pain right now and feeling guilty that he was part of it (presumably because some of Caroline's bad press stemmed from when he posted a photo of his NDA and posted about not being surprised by the charges and that abuse doesn't know gender).
Because he spoke up at the time, some think he should not be allowed to grieve, as if it is being hypocritical to complain about/expose DV but still have feelings about that person.
Others feel he is wrong to air his feelings as his own social media use had led to/fed the tabloids who he is venting against now.
He knew her as Carrie. He knew her and her family personally.
We knew her as Caroline. We didn't know her at all.

Microdot · 19/02/2020 19:49

Good post Glitter, that's very fair

YouCanNeverHaveEnoughGIitter · 19/02/2020 20:03

It was a fair post based on his outpourings 48 hours ago.
He is now creating a memorial fund - all proceeds going to Mermaids.
Each to their own (and if you thought MN threads had added to CF's mental state then Mermaids is...a choice) but Lewis has maintained a dignified silence whereas Andrew is now putting his anger into a petition/just giving campaign which, unless backed by her parents or on behalf of them, seems untimely and inappropriate (to me).

YouCanNeverHaveEnoughGIitter · 19/02/2020 20:07

He has opened a memorial fund with a target of 10k ''To raise as much money as possible for Mermaids because it’s a charity very close to the Flack Family'' - I do hope that that is in keeping with the family's wishes and he has thought it through before doing it.

Microdot · 19/02/2020 20:22

I think it's fair enough to say something is inappropriate but not to lay into him as pp were doing, calling him a knob etc. Part of the terrible damage of suicide is to inflict huge guilt on those left behind and i'm sure he wants to try to deflect that. If we accept that the media barrage was damaging to CF surely we wouldn't want to be part of handing the same treatment to someone else?

Actually Lewis hasn't been silent as he's been accusing CPS of having a hand in her death and today is all over the media showing a mark on his head to suggest it was only a minor wound which led to the decision to prosecute. I don't think that's at all helpful either (and of course is massively hypocritical of The Sun and DM etc)

Bool · 19/02/2020 22:10

@microdot that is what I find odd. He be showing a cut to his head. I mean however big or small a cut to the head is. That’s abuse. Sorry. It just is. I mean it’s not normal to get a cut to your head from your partner. I don’t understand why we are all meant to look at that and think. Oh that’s ok then.

Bool · 19/02/2020 22:11

*is not be

Bool · 19/02/2020 22:13

@Toria70 I agree with you. She should have had more medical help.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/02/2020 22:22

@Bool I agree. I'm also worried about the message being spread to current DV victims, of either sex. The things that I've seen being written on other sites and also here on MN are awful. Basically insinuating that a victim could goad the attacker into assaulting them, that their behaviour contributed to the abuse, that it must be made up if they don't want to leave the abuser or won't continue with the prosecution and even worse, that they are responsible if the abuser does something to themselves after they've reported it. Do the people saying these things not realise that they are contributing to the narrative around DV, and this may well have a huge impact on someone wondering whether to report or not?

Bool · 19/02/2020 22:29

Her statement released today just had me more confused. I take responsibility. It was an accident. I mean how can a cut to somebody’s head (reported to have been inflicted with a lamp) be an accident. That is DV. Anybody out there receiving cuts to their head from their partner - that is DV. It just is.

MorganKitten · 19/02/2020 22:32

She told police she would kill herself if the body cam footage was used, my ex used to say he’d kill himself if I left/tried to get him help, her partner withdrew the claims.... it’s like a control thing.
It’s sad but at the same time those saying she had no support itv made her go to councillors, she had mental health issues for a long time, one ex who said he’d have ended up dead if he stayed with her... I. Sad for her family really.

@Frownette I never reported my ex, I told people they were wrong when they pointed out his behaviour. And up until last year I protected him.

DowntownAbby · 19/02/2020 22:39

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

I completely agree.

I was incredulous the first time I saw MNers defending a perpetrator of DV like that but it's absolutely all over here at the moment.

I can only assume people aren't thinking straight because 'celebrity', or something.

Bool · 19/02/2020 22:44

And I feel desperately sorry. It is just tragic. She clearly needed help. And I am genuinely sad she didn’t get it. But I don’t think it is responsible to treat her as a saint now she killed herself because she couldn’t face the consequences of what she did (more than once). I find it is reflective of what is happening today to blame everybody else except yourself. Let’s blame itv. Let’s blame her ex. Let’s blame her boyfriend. Let’s blame the cps. Let’s blame the media. No let’s blame social media. Ffs. Let’s stop this blame game. The point is CF had a mental health issue. It was probably exacerbated by self medication. She needed proper professional help. Let’s stop blaming others.

Defenbaker · 19/02/2020 22:44

From what I've read, it was Lewis who called the police, and the police officer had vidcam footage which supported a case against CF. It is odd that having incurred a cut to his head and called the police he then backtracked and disagreed with the decision to bring the case to trial. Maybe he didn't want the full details to come out in court of his own behaviour (she suspected him of cheating, not that that justifies physical abuse), or maybe despite everything he still loved her and hoped they could work things out.

We'll never know what really happened between them, but it is very sad that CF took her own life, rather than face the consequences of what seemed to have been quite violent behaviour. Had she appeared in court and pleaded guilty, no doubt her lawyer could have pleaded mitigating circumstances on her behalf, and she might have ended up with community service and a spell in rehab, sorting out her mental health isues and getting help with her anger management. Her career would have taken a nosedive initially, but she might well have ended up doing a reality series focusing on her mental health issues. Instead she took a different route, one that has left her family and friends suffering pain and regret. I feel very sorry for them.

TheMaskedTulip · 19/02/2020 22:50

@Bool I am in complete and total agreement with you. How this case of alleged DV is being whitewashed over by the majority on here and elsewhere is extremely worrisome. I hope that anyone currently sitting at home in an abusive relationship is not listening to the idiots who think that being walloped on the head while you sleep is acceptable behaviour.

ritzbiscuits · 19/02/2020 22:56

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras @DowntownAbby

As a sufferer of DV when I was younger I find this whole situation very upsetting. The idea that a perpetrator of DV isn't responsible, it was an accident, mental health issues etc just doesn't sit right.

If this was a male celebrity hitting/cutting his girlfriend with a lamp, they would not be defended in the same way, let alone turned into a saint.

I'm am safe and well now but my experiences have affected me for life. I feel so concerned about the impact of how this reporting may discourage others to speak up if it's happening to them.

Bool · 19/02/2020 22:57

@themaskedtulip imagine a woman going to the press and showing a cut to her head clearly because she was walloped whilst asleep by her partner to prove that everything was ok. I just don’t get it.

Bool · 19/02/2020 22:58

@ritzbiscuits ahh cross posts!

TheMaskedTulip · 19/02/2020 22:58

@Bool Do you think that she escaped justice? I was in an abusive relationship myself once before and it was often threatened to me. Thankfully I managed to leave her but I had to move house, change job, and mobile. Never again will I put up with it. The first signs of DV and just pack up and leave.