To ask DH to back off from relative for the sake of our marriage?

[WatchingMyChickenStrip]

DH has a relative who has chronic depression and anxiety which started when a traumatic event happened within the family. The relative has never really sought any help for this- they've been prescribed medication which they haven't taken, offered therapy which they never went to.

Every so often, the relative will phone DH whenever they are having a particularly bad time and need to talk. DH usually ends up going round for hours, listening, trying to help. The relative usually rehashes the tragedy, and when DH comes home he is understanably upset himself for some time afterwards.

DH and I now have a non sleeping toddler, we're both working, and life is busy. I have had a really stressful time at work recently, we've caught every bug going this winter, and on top of the lack of sleep, I'm frankly run down and struggling a bit. Relative phoned DH on Friday, and he went round for two hours. We don't make a big thing of Valentine's day, but it was DH's day to do bath and bedtime while I cooked a nice meal and we were going to have a bit of a date night at home (cheesy I know, but we have nobody to babysit in the evenings) this ended up going up the left due to the relative's crisis.

This is where I'm perhaps being a bitch. The relative seems to need DH most at times when he's likely to be thinking of other things. Right before our wedding, when the baby was a few weeks old, a few days before baby's first Christmas, that sort of thing. I'm not saying they do it deliberately, but obviously I do notice it more when it's around certain times.

So I had a bit of a row with DH when he came back, and we haven't really spoken since. I told him that he needed to consider how much energy he expends on the relative versus how much he expends on his wife, because I was struggling right before his eyes, and he didn't seem to notice because he was caught up with relative. I also said that relative was basically a bottomless pit that he would never be able to fill or fix, and that it wasn't up to DH to be their crutch. DH said this was really unfair, but when I pointed out the length of time this has all been going on, plus the amount of time he has spent round there, and how nothing has helped long term, he went quiet.

We haven't really discussed it since, and I'm not sure whether to bring it up again or whether I've been unfair. DH is a really nice man, and his care and dedication to.family and friends is one of the things that made me fall in love with him, but I feel like at the minute it's at my detriment. I am known as a strong, capable person, which most of the time I'm glad to say I am, but I feel this is now being taken for granted

Good for you, Plan, I congratulate you on being a better, kinder, and less exhausted person than I could obviously hope to be

@PlanDeRaccordement I'm sorry to hear about your mental health difficulties but does it really seem better to you to go over it again with someone who only has a listening ear and where it causes them huge upset and grief rather than taking up offered professional support and medication?

Op, it does sound very hard. Can you suggest that yourDH seeks some counselling for himself - that might help him to decide what support he can and can't offer? Mental health professionals have to have regular counselling and mental health support and your DH should have the same - he can't absorb all this forever.

Yanbu. You are seeing your husband's own health repeatedly affected, while the support he is giving is actually doing nothing for his relative. Obsessively going over details in the way you describe can be very harmful for someone. Other posters have suggested more effective support might be to help the sibling engage with counselling or therapy. I agree.

You and your dh both sound overwhelmed, I wonder if it’s time for both of you to start asking your family for help? The toddler stage is very hard, maybe DH’s sibling’s other family could step up?

Plan, why are you involved with professionals? Why not just rely on a single, unqualified, person who also has their own trauma to deal with, for support?

That's what you are expecting the OP's husband to do.

@PlanDeRaccordement there is the issue that DH is also suffering trauma in this situation and is being re-traumatized by the actions of his dsis.
It isn't that one mentally well person is providing support to one person with a mental health issue.
One person who has experienced trauma is reliving this with another person who has experienced it, causing retraumatization for the supporting person.
It is not resolving the issue for the person with trauma and is making the other person unwell.

@billy1966

Bluntly put but you have a point.

OP Your husband cannot sacrifice you and your marriage to support his sibling without them trying to help themselves.

It's really not fair.

To the poster who suggested counselling sessions which DH and the sibling could both attend, thank you, that's a brilliant idea. Sibling has refused therapy before, but I think would go if DH pushed and went along too. I think it would be helpful for both of them for an outside professional to shine a light on the emotional cycle they have going on

You're not selfish. When someone has become the central focus for everyone it can be hard for them to see how unfair that is on, well, everyone.
As awful as it is your DH has been moving on as best he can and this relative is not allowing anyone to do that properly because they are stuck somewhere in the process.

I'm hoping DH will be wanting the repeated horrors to have stopped being repeated when LO is old enough to understand and that isn't going to happen if nothing changes.

I think it is cruel of the family member to repeatedly retraumatise your DH. Not intentionally cruel but cruel none the less. I think their relationship is probably codependent and counselling for them both might be the way forward.

I think things need to change, for your DHs mental health, your family life as well as your marriage. The problem is communicating this to DH. Immediately after a visit isn’t going to be the best time. When he has recovered from the latest episode I’d sit down with him and discuss it.
I really struggled with seeing me and DH and kids as a family unit rather than part of the my wider family. It’s mentally a hard shift to change and put us first as a unit rather than the wider family unit.

The issues is that a siblings MH needs should not trump that of a husband and wife.

There are needs that have to be met for everyone and @WatchingMyChickenStrip will only find a solution to this by either talking to her DH or showing him she needs help ( house a tip/ no food etc). The second option is not useful for avoiding conflict but may draw things to a head.

IMHO mental and physical health and inter related and are both of equal value. Let’s suppose @WatchingMyChickenStrip broke her ankle and couldn’t tend to the baby - what should her DH do in that scenario?

Likewise if the MH of @WatchingMyChickenStrip deteriorates who will come to support? Would the sister come over?

Everyone needs to help together but WITH support. Working on another analogy if the sister had acute cardiomyopathy but refused to seek cardiologist help obviously you’d encourage her but at the same time you’d discourage her from running a marathon.

The sibling grieves differently. They want to remember all the gory details of the death, and there are many. They want to rehash everything, how the person looked when they were dead, the funeral, the circumstances of their death. I can't tell you how distressing DH finds this.

OP, this is very wrong. This isn’t grief, or mourning. This is something deeply unhealthy and very selfish. For Christ’s sake, it’s some kind of sick obsession. You ssy this has gone on for years, and you never get more than six weeks without another bout.

The sibling is wallowing in self-pity (and yes, I do mean self-pity) and dragging your dh down too. It has to stop. DH has a child now and cannot be at his sibling’s beck and call any more. It’s terribly bad for the sibling too. Therapy would help them move on from this toxic misery. If s/he won’t take responsibility, the partner is next in line. Not dh or you.

I also think that some form of joint counselling might lead to a breakthrough and give the DH an outlet too.

Everybody has emotional needs regardless of whether or not they are in their right mind, and these will fluctuate according to experience and environment. If they are not addressed appropriately, the right mind aspect becomes destabilised - if one can address a growing issue before it reaches crisis point, surely it is preferable?

plan you always come on these posts and antagonize the OP without fail so back off

again this is probably my fault

OP this is NOT your fault

You sound very caring and goodness me, what a wonderful sister-in-law you are!

Your in-law is caught in a destructive and very self-centred cycle, and is relying on you & your DH to be the copers. (Ha! I knew at least one of you had to be an eldest - we are typically the copers, and typically our needs are overlooked in the wider family).

I think you are bring unkind and I would be proud of having such a caring DH who was supportive. It's not that often and for only a few hours, giving the relative's partner a much needed break and probably a different type of support. I'm not saying professional support isn't likely to help but really your DH is just being asked to listen and say empathetic things. Perhaps he needs professional support too?

You don't sound like you are dealing with anything other than normal motherhood and therefore he isn't really harming your family by being so kind infrequently

I originally voted that YABU, however reading the updates I have changed my vote. YA definitely NBU. Like you I have always been a strong capable person, but there comes a time when we all need help and the time has come for you! It seems like your DH is so kind and generous with his compassion and time, but this isn’t reciprocated by his dear sibling and their family.

Your dh does need to step back and put you and his dc first. Try pointing out to him that him stepping up all the time means that sibling does not seek the professional help needed, and actually this kindness is preventing his sibling from possibly getting the means to deal properly with their issues.

People are allowed to find ‘normal motherhood’ hard though and need support themselves.

Thinkingabout1t

Rehashing trauma in the most detail possible is precisely how trauma focused CBT works and is totally healthy. For some people rehashing it with loved ones is enough and some of us need it to be with a professional who can add other aspects to heal.

Friendsofmine
Have you read the OP’s updates. Do you really think it’s in her DH’s best interests to have to relive the gory details of a traumatic death on a regular basis.

People are allowed to find ‘normal motherhood’ hard though and need support themselves.

Yes, this is very important. Also just because someone has diagnosed mh problems doesn't mean that everyone around them and supporting them is mentally well. It's not 'washing your hands of troublesome relatives' for the OPs DH to put in place some boundaries that allow him to care for his own mental health and that of his wife.

@Thinkingabout1t
Is spot on, the sibling whilst may be unwell sounds incredibly selfish and manipulative. Their ‘bouts’ seem to occur quite conveniently; when partner is working, not busy but surprisingly not when they need family time.
Their way of remembering is horrific and your DH needs to have boundaries and put his own family first, if they won’t get help Id be stepping back.

To the poster who suggested counselling sessions which DH and the sibling could both attend, thank you, that's a brilliant idea.

Sorry, but I don't think it's brilliant at all. In an abusive relationship it is never recommended that the couple go for counselling together, and I think a good argument could be made for saying that the relative is abusing your DH by constantly making him relive his own trauma and affecting his mental health to the extent that it does. Even if abuser is too strong a term for some posters, the relative is certainly a user.

A good therapist would help the relative not to forget their sibling, but to be able to move on from it. The relative doesn't want to do that, and may even try to manipulate the therapy to guilt your DH into feeling the same way.

If Dh needs counselling, he should do it on his own. 'Couples' therapy can only be beneficial if both parties want the same outcome, to resolve the differences between them. The relative and your DH are, as you've said, different characters and they have different needs.

Rehashing trauma in the most detail possible is precisely how trauma focused CBT works and is totally healthy. For some people rehashing it with loved ones is enough and some of us need it to be with a professional who can add other aspects to heal.

The difference is that a professional isn't personally involved in the trauma and so isn't being damaged by hearing it again and again, they also have supervision so they can deal with any difficult feelings that arise in their professional lives. It's really not healthy for the OPs DH.