To ask DH to back off from relative for the sake of our marriage?

[WatchingMyChickenStrip]

DH has a relative who has chronic depression and anxiety which started when a traumatic event happened within the family. The relative has never really sought any help for this- they've been prescribed medication which they haven't taken, offered therapy which they never went to.

Every so often, the relative will phone DH whenever they are having a particularly bad time and need to talk. DH usually ends up going round for hours, listening, trying to help. The relative usually rehashes the tragedy, and when DH comes home he is understanably upset himself for some time afterwards.

DH and I now have a non sleeping toddler, we're both working, and life is busy. I have had a really stressful time at work recently, we've caught every bug going this winter, and on top of the lack of sleep, I'm frankly run down and struggling a bit. Relative phoned DH on Friday, and he went round for two hours. We don't make a big thing of Valentine's day, but it was DH's day to do bath and bedtime while I cooked a nice meal and we were going to have a bit of a date night at home (cheesy I know, but we have nobody to babysit in the evenings) this ended up going up the left due to the relative's crisis.

This is where I'm perhaps being a bitch. The relative seems to need DH most at times when he's likely to be thinking of other things. Right before our wedding, when the baby was a few weeks old, a few days before baby's first Christmas, that sort of thing. I'm not saying they do it deliberately, but obviously I do notice it more when it's around certain times.

So I had a bit of a row with DH when he came back, and we haven't really spoken since. I told him that he needed to consider how much energy he expends on the relative versus how much he expends on his wife, because I was struggling right before his eyes, and he didn't seem to notice because he was caught up with relative. I also said that relative was basically a bottomless pit that he would never be able to fill or fix, and that it wasn't up to DH to be their crutch. DH said this was really unfair, but when I pointed out the length of time this has all been going on, plus the amount of time he has spent round there, and how nothing has helped long term, he went quiet.

We haven't really discussed it since, and I'm not sure whether to bring it up again or whether I've been unfair. DH is a really nice man, and his care and dedication to.family and friends is one of the things that made me fall in love with him, but I feel like at the minute it's at my detriment. I am known as a strong, capable person, which most of the time I'm glad to say I am, but I feel this is now being taken for granted

@MamaGee09

Speaking as someone who has been both a supporter and needing support for mental health issues, I can only reiterate how complex these situations are, and how guilty, demoralising and frustrating it is when it seems that nothing you do is helpful...... trained professionals are sometimes essential and yes family support and good networks are also important, but when someone is drowning and starts to take the people around them with them, it is not healthy for anyone. It is never as simple as "being there", no matter how many memes are created suggesting otherwise.

@MamaGee09 there is support and sympathy, and then there is an unrealistic set of expectations which damage the other family members. And probably don't help the damaged/ill sibling.

The sibling needs to seek proper help, not re-traumatise their brother, and cause divisions in his family.

if someone needs either of us we will be there!

This is a lovely sentiment but in the same way that you aren't helping an alcoholic by taking them out to pub whenever they ask. Running through trauma memories repeatedly with no understanding of how to build a trauma narrative isn't helpful. It is damaging to both the DH and Dsis. It is also only part of successful trauma therapy.
Why is DH expected to undertake this work which is known to be difficult work which requires good support for the therapist?
DH requires his own support for this trauma it is not okay to use a traumatized person for this work.

Porcupine my sibling threw themself off a 50metre high bridge into a river last year, resulting in 4 weeks on ICU on a ventilator close to death, I have plenty experience of living and dealing with someone suffering from mental health issues so no lecture needed for me,this has been an on going struggle for many years which heightened about 18monthhs age, I’ve been to councillors, hospital appointments, sat in ICU , spoke with doctors so I can assure you I have experience in supporting someone wi5 mental health issues!

I just wish some people wouldn’t be so selfish and would be more supportive of this taboo subject that people have talking about that is suicide.

Ha, I am an eldest sibling yes, and DH isn't the eldest in the family, but is the eldest son.

I think DH is starting to realise the impact it is having, again this is probably my fault as pre baby, I had the time and energy to take on any extra load to give him time to recover from his sibling, now I don't. Even my distress at infertility always came second, and I was OK with that because I felt I could manage.

Now things have changed, I suppose.

OP please get your DH to seek support as well. If visiting his sibling is causing him this much distress he isnt over it either.

Things have changed

YABU
It’s just a few hours every six weeks. People spend more time than that on their phones every day. He could be saving this relatives’ life. Depression is a deadly disease, it’s not a prank call. It’s asking for a life line.
I feel like you think you should be the Center of the universe and you are trying to isolate your DH from his family by creating a rift. Stop it. If you are as strong as you say, you can handle a single toddler for a few hours every other month.

ManaGee. Sorry to hear about your sibling. I strongly agree with everything you’ve written.

I really hope some people on this thread don’t ever have a family member suffering from mental health issues because the lack of support from some people is astounding!

Yeah, because all that's needed to cure mental health issues is for people to be supportive...

That's not too far away from telling people to 'pull themselves together' really. Maybe if they just talked to someone they'd get better hey?

I had the time and energy to take on any extra load to give him time to recover from his sibling, now I don't

I think it is part and parcel of becoming a mother, you can easily put yourself to the side to accommodate demands when you have not as many responsibilities, but once you are the main carer of a child that “accommodating” goes, simply the child come first, and the only way you can ensure the child is ok is by taking care of yourself, an exhausted parent doesn’t make a good parent.

I’ve been to councillors, hospital appointments, sat in ICU , spoke with doctors
@mamagee
These all seem possible roles for DH, they are very different to being an untrained trauma therapist.
I think working through with DH what are appropriate roles and what are totally inappropriate might be helpful. So you aren't saying I don't want you to help, rather, these are genuinely helpful support roles and these are damaging ones.
I would suggest counseling for DH to give him a chance to process his own issues around this.

@MamaGee09,

I am very sorry for your loss.

The OP seems to be trying hard to manage her situation, and has recognised and identified that the current circumstances will not be sustainable. She is entitled to express her concerns for all involved, and also that she is feeling overwhelmed by being expected to cope alone when her DH is overwhelmed. It sounds as though she is doing the very best she can.

For heaven’s sake @PlanDeRaccordement did you read any of the OPs other posts? It’s not every six weeks like bloody clockwork... the longest they have gone without the relative needing help is six weeks. And it’s not just a few hours, because the knock on effect it has in her DH can last for days.

@FemiLANGul support comes in many different forms, family, health professionals, mental health workshops etc

Mental health issues will never be cured so there isn’t no need to be pedantic!

@PlanDeRaccordement please read fhe whole thread. Its not a couple of hours every six weeks

Exactly mamagee, support comes in many forms and there are professionals who are trained to deal with it.

It's not unsupportive to suggest that an unqualified person isnt best placed to deal with someone with mental health issues.

Well OP, after your updates I think you need to have a hard think.
5 years trying to conceive and your first Christmas ruined.
Your husbands MH is being effected by this sibling who needs support on their terms.

What about your MH?
Who's going to look after your much

wanted child if you both are unwell because this sibling has bled your family dry.

Apologies OP, but your husband is being very considerate of everyone EXCEPT his wife and child.
I would not be happy being the bottom of the heap. Particularly when a child is involved.

Hard conversations will have to be had.
I certainly wouldn't be contemplating another child with a man who feels it's ok to go emotionally AWOL whenever his sibling calls.

I would tell him, absolutely no more dropping of everything when the call comes.
You sound miserable OP.
He may be a kind man, but he certainly doesn't have your back.

I think by being so strong and accommodating, you have become the unseen mug in this scenario.

I'd be a lot less accommodating and let him know EXACTLY the damage that is being done to his marriage.

He has an obligation to his wife and child to mind himself. He knows now what's going to happen when he gets the call....days and weeks of being sad.

Fxxk that OP.
I say enough.

YANBU, OP. I have some experience of relatives (on both mine and my DH's side) who have similar and often these episodes do happen at a time when the attention is off them - weddings, birthdays, that kind of event - can often trigger a sudden episode that puts them front and centre again. They may not be doing it deliberately, but it has happened so often that it's not a coincidence IMO.

I do think your DH has done enough, and it is very hard on him if the relative won't seek support anywhere else.

Do you think the relative would go to a joint therapy/counselling session with your DH if something like that could be arranged? Or would your DH go on his own to get an independent ear to talk to and bounce his ideas off? I do think in these situations that talking to someone not involved with any of the people involved means you can really speak your mind and unload without the fear of hurting anyone.

Nothing can take the memories away, I know that. It's about dealing with the emotions that are raised in the best way for you. There will always be bad days. I hope you can sort something out that works for everyone, OP.

If these mental health issues started as a result of trauma it is possible that with appropriate support for the trauma the mental illness would dissipate.
But while DH is being used as the emotional support by dsis the opportunity for this isn't going to arrive.
It is also damaging DH in the process.

@WatchingMyChickenStrip I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Your updates just fuel my post earlier in the thread.

Your marriage is important and in my opinion you need to explain to your dh you are NOT coping. You would benefit from couples therapy but moreover your husband needs to seek help for himself. He is not his siblings bereavement councillor to the detriment of himself.

Yes he can support the sibling but not damage the MH of himself and you in the process.

Chat to the siblings partner together ( you and dh ) and explain this can’t go on.

🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

Un ending support in the immediate aftermath of a tragedy is I think something most people if they can will support.

A year after is probably fine. But if someone is still in the very same place and not moving forward, they need more expert help.

Very difficult when relative is offered all kinds of help, won’t take it but demand DH’s presence at their endless self-pity fests. Sorry to be harsh, and I have been there myself. But at some point you have to pick yourself up and move on.

The other thing, I suppose, is that yes, I did know what I was getting into when I married DH, I knew the grief would never just go away and nor did I expect it to. But I assumed support would be a two way street, and the same hypothetical "pool" would be there for me to dip from if necessary, in future. All the talk of "we're here to help, family looks out for one another". But actually, the future is here, I need support, it is not forthcoming because of course the sibling and their grief and their needs trumps all. I didn't expect that, I didn't expect that my being supportive and understanding would also include the assumption that it's OK for me to be brought to the brink of what I can cope with, and I'm selfish if I expect even a fraction of the helping hand I've seen extended to others.

For my own dc, dh, gc I'd offer '' unnending support'' but with simultaneous professional help.

I have read the whole thread and even if it were two hours every week, I still think YABU.

The harshest advice on here is basically a how to wash your hands of any troublesome relative struck down by mental illness. By all means go to your DH with it and watch the rift happen between him and his soon to be estranged family.

I’m with MamaGee on this. You are in your right mind. You get most of your DHs attention. Why begrudge the bits of attention he is giving to his ill sibling? I just do not think that is very fair. If the sibling had cancer, would you react the same way? Probably not.

I’m leaving this thread now. As a person with a chronic mental health condition of schizophrenia I am grateful that my family would not ever stop their support towards me. Professionals can only do so much.