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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friends comments about DH and I

156 replies

richele4 · 15/02/2020 19:01

Been with DH 20 years, I'm 35. Met him in Secondary school, along with my friend 'Lucy'. Lucy's always been close with DH and I, when we had DD1 at 17 I was with her when my waters broke and she was in the delivery room with me when I had DD. Married DH at 23 and Lucy was my maid of honour. I was maid of honour at both of her weddings. Had 2DS and Lucy is godmother to both. Just to give insight into how close and long our friendship is.

Today I told Lucy that I'm pregnant with DD2 and she was excited as she's also pregnant with her DH who she's been with for 4 years. However she made comments and I just want to know if IABU to be upset/pissed off or who to be upset/pissed off at.

  • "I'm always surprised that you and DH are still together, he's probably starting to get bored of the same old thing"
  • "You better watch your weight gain this pregnancy, like I have been, you already look bigger than the first 3 pregnancies and you don't want your DH's eye wandering any more than it already will be"
  • "It's impressive that after this long he still wants to have sex with you. It's got to be quite boring for him now"
  • "He's looking good for his age, I'm sure younger women are interested in him, you should be careful"

I just awkwardly laughed them off but I am a bit upset that my friend of 20 years would say these things. I haven't told DH. I've never said anything to Lucy that would suggest DH and I are 'bored' because I definitely don't feel that way. Do you think my DH could have said something to Lucy's DH (because they are friends and he regularly goes out with her DH) and Lucy's DH could have said it to Lucy and that's why she's saying it to me? I'm not sure what to think

OP posts:
sleepylittlebunnies · 15/02/2020 19:22

I think she’s not so subtly trying to put you down, possibly through jealousy over your long and happy marriage. It sounds like she’s very insecure, but doesn’t realise that bringing you down won’t lift her up.

It’s not even as if she’s asking how you can both still enjoy sex together and not be bored of each other. If she’s so certain 20 years with the same partner is that bad wouldn’t that be the case for both of you not just DH.

I doubt your DH has confided on hers, this is about her. I’d find it very hard to remain friends after these very personal attacks. If you want to tell your DH and both of you let her know that you are rock solid and at it like newlyweds.

SecretMillionaire · 15/02/2020 19:23

She doesn’t have the relationship that you do and is jealous. She’s no friend.

YakkityYakYakYak · 15/02/2020 19:23

I think she is projecting her own insecurities, don’t let this drive a wedge between you and DH.

I’d probably call her out on it next time she says something and just ask outright why she is making comments like that. You can do it in a jokey way if you really don’t want a confrontation, but if you’ve been close friends for that long I think you should be able to have a frank conversation with her about this.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/02/2020 19:30

She could be jealous, she could be thinking that she is more experienced with men than you are and is trying to help you keep your DH. Did her first husband have a wandering eye, did they split because of it did he accuse her of getting fat or said he was bored and she thinks this is how men react if women dont keep themselves in shape for want of a better expression?

Chesntoots · 15/02/2020 19:31

I was thinking the same as a pp, maybe her DH has been making comments to her and she is projecting onto you. It's still not right though.

Boireannachlaidir · 15/02/2020 19:32

She sounds more like a frenemy than a friend. She has seriously strange views about women, men and relationships.

What horrible things to say to you about weight, husband, everything. Time to review the friendship and surround yourself with better people?

Wouldithelp · 15/02/2020 19:33

OMG! If she doesn't usually make a habit of this, I would ask her what made her come out with these comments- if there's something she thinks you should know about etc.

If she says there's nothing, then she should apologize to you.

Wouldithelp · 15/02/2020 19:34

Well- she should either way, because if there's something you need to know, she could tell you rather than making these comments.

PooWillyBumBum · 15/02/2020 19:35

Nasty person. You need new friends.

TheDarkPassenger · 15/02/2020 19:35

Pure and utter jealousy!
Pity her

timetest · 15/02/2020 19:36

Time to reassess your friendship with Lucy.

Original poster
richele4 · 15/02/2020 19:36

She split with her first husband because of her wandering eye, at least that's what I understand of it. She was with him for 3 years and married to him for just a few months.

She's been with her current husband for about 4 years, married nearly 2 years and pregnant with her first DC.

She's always had an okay relationship with my DH. They're friends but they only see each other if it's something arranged and I'll be there too. He wouldn't message her or see her unless it was to plan something for me, like he did last summer. He planned a holiday for us with her help as she had my DC for 5 days. So I really can't see why she would think he's 'bored'.

I'll talk to DH about it. Thanks for replies x

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 15/02/2020 19:37

Projecting due to insecurity probably, but may be dropping hints.
I'd ask her if she needs to get something off her chest.

1Morewineplease · 15/02/2020 19:37

I’d start to keep her at arm’s length, from now on, with a view to ditching her .
Though if you can bear to ditch her now, then so much the better , but it might be a bit tricky as you’re so involved in each other’s lives.

lesleyw1953 · 15/02/2020 19:38

I agree that you should ask her about her comments - if you have been so close for so long it makes sense to at least give her the chance to explain what she was trying to achieve and why

SundayGirlB · 15/02/2020 19:38

She sounds like an absolute bitch and jealous to boot. Get rid!

DollyDaydream70 · 15/02/2020 19:38

Does this friend fancy your Husband? Have you ever had any reason to think she does? She sounds like she's feeling insecure and is deflecting how she's feeling about herself and her own relationship on to you.

Get a new friend, with a friend like this you don't need enemies!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/02/2020 19:38

I find it strange that your first thought is maybe your husband said these things to her husband and he said it back to her. Rather than thinking she's just being a bitch.

As I said we've been friends for a long time so we've always been 'brutally honest' with each other and said it how it is, no matter how harsh

Surely if you've always been "brutally honest" and these things had come via her husband from your husband she would have been "brutally honest" and told you that.

If you really are brutally honest with each other ask her what the fuck she's playing at. Sounds like she thinks your husband is a catch and has her eye on him herself.

jillandhersprite · 15/02/2020 19:38

I think some of the comments here are a tad harsh in the absence of years worth of evidence.
Chances are she is having insecurities, and maybe your friendship is changing. You are maybe lucky that it didn't happen in your pregnancy but quite a lot of women do change a lot during and after pregnancy and maybe thats whats happening to her. Observe her behaviour, but without withdrawing completely - maybe she needs some support - but absolutely not at the cost of you.
Watch and see and be on your guard...

CakeandCustard28 · 15/02/2020 19:40

Lucy wants to shag your husband and is jealous. Lucy is a bad friend, time to get rid of her.

shinyredbus · 15/02/2020 19:40

lucy is a twat, and no friend of yours. Ditch her and tell her why.

HollowTalk · 15/02/2020 19:40

I would ask your husband whether she's ever tried it on with him. It wouldn't surprise me at all if she has.

Butterymuffin · 15/02/2020 19:41

When you say you've always been 'brutally honest' with each other, is the situation actually that she has a habit of saying cruel things to you, and you've had your head in the sand about it before now?

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/02/2020 19:42

I think there could be a lot of different reasons for her to come out with stuff like that.

What has she been like before? Is she particularly focused on “keeping” a man? Is her DH a lot older than her? Has she had a partner cheat on her with a younger woman? Did her dad have an affairs/leave her mum for a younger woman? She may just have internalised the narrative that men naturally want younger women and will move on and she is, however clumsily, trying to be supportive in, in her eyes, helping you keep your marriage strong.

Your scenario is potentially plausible, I suppose, except you say you are brutally honest with each other and she would tell you if he was having an affair, so wouldn’t she tell you straight out I’f she had heard this via her DH? And when you mentioned the comments to your DH did he do anything that might have suggested he had said something like that?

As others have said, she might just not be much of a friend. You’d need to think back on the past 20 years with an unbiased eye and judge whether, actually, she’s always been a bit undermining in her “honesty” or whether she has the same standards for herself and it’s just the way she sees the world.

There are a host of things that could result in her saying what she did, you probably need to talk to her about it to find out what is actually behind it.

cabingirl · 15/02/2020 19:43

If this is out of character for her then it's either:

  1. She knows or suspects that your DH has a wandering eye at the moment - maybe her DH has repeated something he said.

OR

  1. She's projecting her own fears about her own relationship

OR

  1. She's having weird pregnancy-related hormone bitchiness and doesn't realise how bad she sounds

Before you talk to your DH just talk to her and ask her directly.

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