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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

423 replies

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 08:41

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 15/02/2020 11:34

You must have a 7 seater if you’re picking him and his daughter up, with your 3 kids. Or you’re calling in babysitting favours which would be better “spent” on time for YOU!

Ellisandra · 15/02/2020 11:36

I know this is your life Sad and you’re not here to satisfy my curiosity...

But if fucking love to know how he has that bank card on him, when he didn’t have his wallet.

seltaeb · 15/02/2020 11:37

People who run their own businesses do not forget about money transfers. He was trying it on.

Poohpooh · 15/02/2020 11:38

@NatureWalk no worries, tell me you’ve binned him off and I’ll forgive you Wink

SummerWhisper · 15/02/2020 11:39

He gets you to look after and feed his daughter, thus reducing his costs even further and freeing up time for him to be on his own, have a little stroll and a smoke. While he was at the shop, knowing how much you do for him, he gave you no thought. You and your children, even his own daughter, mean nothing to him. If you don't throw him out this morning, you are a fool. His daughter is his responsibility. You will soon see how easy it is for him to get home. Throw him out now.

IndieTara · 15/02/2020 11:39

Hope you sort this today op

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 15/02/2020 11:40

Oh dear dear dear.

You have forgotten the guidelines - when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

I know you want him to change and make everything better. It's not going to happen. He's using you.

He forgot his wallet but keeps on him a spare card he never uses? Not in his wallet? Yeah right.

If you can't dump him now then change things. Don't collect him. He can ask his Dad to bring him. That saves the fuel. Tell him you e provided the last 20 meals so he has to provide the next 20 and tell him to bring stuff with him when he comes.

I think if you don't collect him then you won't see him for dust.

pinkyredrose · 15/02/2020 12:10

If he forgot he must be feeling so bad right now. I bet he's doing his utmost to put things right, going to these supermarket, making you a lovely meal whilst being full of apologies. Right?

TwentyViginti · 15/02/2020 12:11

Oh OP please just dump the cocklodging freeloading twat. He won't change now. Your self esteem and bank balance will be MUCH healthier.

mummmy2017 · 15/02/2020 12:20

Sorry you are being hurt by this man's lack of respect.

Mamia15 · 15/02/2020 12:25

How can you want to shag someone who prioritise fags over feeding his kids? Or is still be subsidised by his parents??

Urgh.

Get rid.

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2020 12:39

Oh, he's good!

He's a complete and utter user and he makes you feel guilty!

Please, OP. Wake up and smell the roses. £500! and that's just on petrol.

Please put you and your children first and get rid of him.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 15/02/2020 12:48

See, "I forgot" would've been acceptable if he'd followed it with "I will phone the bank now and transfer £500 to you since I don't trust internet banking except when it conveniences me."

He made you feel like shit with his response. This is not a good man.

SayNoToCarrots · 15/02/2020 12:49

DARVO

Original poster
NatureWalk · 15/02/2020 12:50

I've told him I cant live with being made promises and not following them through. I walked out of the house and told him to get his dad to pick him up. Hes just txt and said I still love you. I havent said anything. If he really does hell be trying to fix this.

OP posts:
Original poster
NatureWalk · 15/02/2020 12:52

Oh and ge threw in the fact he had paid for london. I said london doesnt help me feed my kids or pay for a birthday party.

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 15/02/2020 12:53

Good for you op. Takes guts to speak your mind. But worth it.

Trahira · 15/02/2020 12:54

He's following the pattern of saying the right think (in this case - "I love you") but you're right to want him to try to put things right by actions as well as words.

Hugs to you OP. Sorry this has been so shit.

Trahira · 15/02/2020 12:56

I knew he'd mention the London thing! You gave the perfect response OP.

billy1966 · 15/02/2020 12:57

What a free loading waster OP.

Ellisandra · 15/02/2020 13:04

Well surprise surprise he mentioned London. Good response to him on that 👍🏻

It’s worth remembering that with London, he was actually spending money on himself. For his money, he got a weekend away with his girlfriend. So it’s exactly selfless generosity.
I’m not saying that being treated to a meal out or weekend away isn’t a lovely thing to do, in a good relationship. Just don’t lose sight of the fact that he benefited from it too.

TheNoodlesIncident · 15/02/2020 13:06

You can be strong and get rid of this total waste of oxygen. ALL of it is Shock prioritising cigarettes over food for children is really bad, but watching you cry about being skint and NOT CARING IN THE SLIGHTEST is worse. He is despicable.

I doubt you'll see a penny from him, that's not the way these people operate. Good for you ending the relationship. Of course he will tell you more lies to get you to change your mind, such is the nature of the beast. What do you expect from a pig, but a grunt?

Beautiful3 · 15/02/2020 13:19

Oh my gosh. The more I read your updates the more annoyed I feel on your behalf. Please end it. That £500 you've spent on fuel ferrying him around would be better spent on yourself and child(ren). You deserve so much better, than that waste of space.

mummmy2017 · 15/02/2020 13:28

So proud of you.

Berthatydfil · 15/02/2020 13:34

Classic gaslighting and darvo tactics
He’s an abuser through and through. How dare he be offended and make you feel guilty.
Yes he paid for your London trip but don’t forget that was a one off and he benefitted from that.

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