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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

423 replies

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 08:41

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

OP posts:

Dozer · 15/02/2020 13:45

If he wants to “make it up to you” he can make a start by transferring you £300 for petrol!

Don’t go down this road again with anyone: use your money for yourself and your DC. That may well mean you can’t afford to date anyone not living locally - even with a decent bloke who’d split costs it may not be affordable to date someone a drive away. That was a PP’s situation and is that of some of my RL friends too.

Drum2018 · 15/02/2020 13:46

He can tell you what he likes. He'll continue to make up more bullshit in order to make out that you are being unreasonable. . You need to stop giving him reason to make excuses. You don't need to give him a reason to break up with him. Deep down you know he is a low life who has financially abused you for months. If he could afford fags last night by using his magic credit card, then he could have afforded a pizza for the kids. He chose his disgusting cancer sticks instead. You need to be firm and tell him the relationship has run its course. There is no point trying to fix him - he's a selfish ass and he won't change. So for the sake of you kids and yourself, let today be the last time you see or speak to him. Block him and focus on your kids.

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2020 13:50

Hold strong op. If £500 is just petrol he must owe you £1000. And if he’s so forgetful and really wants to make it work he’d transfer £1500 to have paid ahead for things as he can see how bad he’s been at it and to save you the miserable position of having to remind him about a pound here or there . If he loved you.

CupoTeap · 15/02/2020 13:53

Good for you

CupoTeap · 15/02/2020 13:53

Don't back down

cstaff · 15/02/2020 13:58

Well done OP. Stay strong and don't let him talk you around. Of course he brought up London as it was the only time he could remember spending money on you and that was a fucking present that he benefitted from. How bad does that look.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/02/2020 14:03

OP.

MaybeDoctor · 15/02/2020 14:13

I can see that you are a bit vulnerable yourself: money is tight and perhaps you have clung to someone who could appear to bring a bit of brightness and enjoyment into your life and your children's live. No one would condemn you for that.

But now you have seen his true colours I think you have to get him out of your life to make space for a far better person. It is also a very sensible point that whoever you chose has to live locally. Prince Harry could afford to date someone from another continent. Most of us have to stick to our local area!

P.S. I have forgotten my purse/cards twice in the last ten years and one of those situations was due to being locked out. Adults really, really don't do this on a regular basis.

YasssKween · 15/02/2020 14:34

I'm proud of you! Now don't budge on this!

Even if he crawled back and was 'good' for a couple of months, remember that he is someone who when naturally left to his own devices would rather you and your children had less money for bills and food rather than him contributing a fair share. A fair share, not even more than that. So he's fundamentally a selfish and mean person.

Well done you

Madhatterhouse · 15/02/2020 14:42

Well done OP, proud of you. He’s shown his true colours, chalk it up to experience and move on xxx

unlikelytobe · 15/02/2020 14:52

Don't take him back if he gives you more empty promises and some sweet talk. End it for good. It won't get any better.

CalleighDoodle · 15/02/2020 14:58

Well done, op. What a lying piece of shit he is.

If you start feeling aorry cor him, remeber that even if you think you dont deserve better than pie crust promises, lies and cruelty from a man, your children absolutely do.

Has his lazy ass gone. I noticed you said at 9.30am you were waiting for him to wake up.

Who was looking after his daughter while he had a lie-in?

catwithnohat · 15/02/2020 15:03

Dear lord...whatever else you do don't move in with him...

Someone else suggested that you tell him you can't afford to pick him up or something like that and see what happens. That will give you a better idea of where he's at.

catwithnohat · 15/02/2020 15:04

Ooops, sorry, too late to the party.

Thedeadwood · 15/02/2020 15:06

He is just following the typical arsehole script trying to gaslight you.
You have nothing to feel bad about. He is a piss taking, CF, cock lodger.
Well done on telling him to go, now don’t back down on it.

Thedeadwood · 15/02/2020 15:07

Also CalleighDoodle raises a a good point. You both have kids with you and yet you’re the only one up at 930. How come?

Littlewelshridinghood · 15/02/2020 15:20

I'd start telling him you need the money for the petrol and the some money for the food bill (I'm assuming it's your food, that you've paid for he's eating while stopping at yours), my DP was the same when we first got together. He'd say he'd go halves with me on the food shop as he wanted to get snacks, treats for himself for when he stopped over and would add them to my asda order, he said he'd top up the eletric meter while I'd pay for the gas meter when he started staying over a lot more after I mentioned I was paying more gas because he would put the heating on while I was doing nights and he said he'd help me pay back for the garden furniture we purchased on finance together (the furniture was his idea). My DP is genuinely forgetful, honestly never met anyone like him, but I realised if I didn't remind him and tell him i need the money then he would go weeks without realizing! You can't do much about the money for the party and the holiday but you can bloody well ask for help towards fuel and food! I live with my DP now and we spilt everything down the middle and no more issues, thankfully!

NettleTea · 15/02/2020 15:21

To be honest £500 doesnt even touch the sides. You say that he stays several times a week. Does he wash/shower? Thats water and electric. Does he eat? Thats several times a week of food for an adult man. And you say you have driven him other places too?

He is a classic cocklodger. He probably WILL transfer you some of the petrol money, and maybe offer a couple of foodshops. But thats just future proofing himself because he thinks, and is correct, that its an investment for his long term plan.

Is his 'business' bringing in a decent wage? Is it, by any chance, based around a hobby? If its not paying as well as a job then you know you have a waster on your hands. Not because there is anything wrong with trying to develop a hobby into a business, but because he is responsible for a child and yet is choosing to prioritise HIS time and living at his parents (who Im sure, by the sounds of how daddy drives him to work and sends cash for fags probably do more than fair share of babysitting) instead of working fulltime and having a home suitable for them both to live. A manchild as you say, enabled by his parents and now looking for a new mummy to take over.

Dozer · 15/02/2020 15:23

Sit down and write down what you’ve spent on him. Food, petrol etc.

And all the time you’ve spent: pick ups, looking after his DC etc.

Then write down what he’s spent/done for you.

Then reflect on what else you could have done with your limited resources, and how you’ll avoid going down this costly road again.

Littlewelshridinghood · 15/02/2020 15:24

Sorry OP, I didn't read your updates. He definitely isn't forgetful, he's just using you and being absolute bellend. Good on you for telling him to go!!

SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic · 15/02/2020 16:06

Oh and ge threw in the fact he had paid for london. I said london doesnt help me feed my kids or pay for a birthday party.

Bloody well done OP for saying that! Spot on!

Ellisandra · 15/02/2020 16:39

@NettleTea I wonder if daddy did in fact send him money for fags. That’s a transaction and text exchange I’d love to see.

I don’t buy that he randomly had a card for an account he doesn’t use on his person, despite not having his wallet. Who does that? So I don’t think there was ever a forgotten wallet. Tbh, I’d probably have gone through his pockets last night for the satisfaction of proving that 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think he had his card all along and lied about his dad and the mystery card when he realised he was short of fags but has refused to buy the promised pizza.

assuming his dad did transfer money to his real card or this magic one, I bet the convo didn’t go, “can you sub me a tenner for some fags?”. More likely it went, “yikes - promised the kids pizza and I’m short - could you sub me a tenner please?”. And then he spent it on cigarettes anyway.

seltaeb · 15/02/2020 19:45

Get as much money as you can from him while he is caught on the wrong foot as it were, then ditch him.

Original poster

NatureWalk · 15/02/2020 20:55

He txt me saying he wants to make it right. I havent replied. To me it's obvious what he would need to do to even try to fix this but I'm not going to spell it out to him.

OP posts:

seltaeb · 15/02/2020 21:01

Well you could still ask him for the various amounts of money he promised in the past.

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