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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

423 replies

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 08:41

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 15/02/2020 21:11

OP please don't let him give you money and smooth this over.
You are wasting your time.
He will give you as little as possible to keep his sweet little cocklodgung deal going (bet you end up taking care of him and his daughter whilst he's there too, cleaning, etc), and every week he will 'forget' about money here and there until you're back to subsidising everything.
Then you'll feel too guilty to say anything- endless cycle.
Seen it loads of times in this site.
Save yourself the trouble, heartache and money and just end it now

allthedamnvampires · 15/02/2020 21:12

Probably his way of trying to find out how little cash he needs to part with to keep you onside. Plenty of PPs have called this right but particularly @TheNoodlesIncident.

Block and delete him @NatureWalk. He doesn't deserve a reply.

wibdib · 15/02/2020 21:14

Op remember that attack is the best form of defence - so by attaching you he hasn’t had to get into an awkward conversation about paying you money let alone actually giving you any money.

I hope you send him some texts saying that he had promised he would pay you for petrol over the last few months as well as contribute to his fair share of food and that you need those payments that he still hadn’t given you in order to pay for your bills and for food and for petrol to enable you to survive this month. Make sure you put plenty of figures in - the cost of each trip, food, promising pizza when he had no money, overall totals etc

If he gets arsey and says about London, point out that he gave it to you as a present - at no point was it ever discussed that it was in lieu of some of the money he owed you and if you had any inkling that was the case you would have said you needed the money. Not an expensive present. And that you gave his dc a present unlike him - no idea what you gave him.

Maybe fish off with that you thought he was better than that, that you thought when he said he would give you money, you believed him as otherwise you wouldn’t have carried on spending money you didn’t have in petrol to get him or food for him and his dc that means you’re unable to buy food for your own dc. And thatvif he doesn’t like online banking (despite making multiple promises to transfer money before deciding this and accepting money from his dad for cigarettes ignoring the fact that he promised but didn’t bring food) he can still pay you using phone banking or Paypal or sending you a cheque.

If that doesn’t work I would be tempted to message his parents with a copy of the message to him and ask them to remind him to pay the money he has promised and owes you and that please ensure that he pays what he owes so that you are able to eat this month.

If he is going to be that much of a despicable cocklidger then his parents should know. Even if they pay some of it or nah him - anything that gets to the end result of you getting your money is worth it.

wibdib · 15/02/2020 21:30

Oops cross posted with your update - spent too long trying to type a response and sort supper.

Try to get back everything he owes you and make sure that you remember to ask for everything that he has had from you because you know he is going to try to knock the amount down!

And make sure that you say in your reply that you’re glad he wants to pay you everything he owes you for the trips, the food, the increase in your bills, [etc etc] and that you think it will be at least £500 for trips, £xxx for food, £yyy for increase in bills (check back through old bills to see how they have changed) and so on.

Good luck - let’s see if he will step up and do right by you!

everythingbackbutyou · 15/02/2020 21:59

He's crapping himself that this self-serving meal ticket of a relationship is in jeopardy, and will say anything at this point to have it continue. My stbxh was remarkably similar with the guilt tripping whenever I called him on any of his behaviour and I would invariably feel like a shit while he was the victim. I ended it in November because of his emotional abuse. Despite the breaking down in tears of pseudo-remorse, and long letter filled with empty promises, he has moved on with admirable fortitude and is now in a relationship with someone else already. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all this crap. Please know that he will be just fine without you - these sorts always make sure they are - and your life will be infinitely improved x

Original poster
NatureWalk · 15/02/2020 22:08

Hes stepped it up, repeated I'm sorry texts and I love you texts but not one mention of money

OP posts:
Weenurse · 15/02/2020 22:10

Stay strong.
Has he left yet, or is he hanging around hoping you will give in?

billy1966 · 15/02/2020 22:13

Of course he is not mentioning money...why would he...you are his meal ticket....literally taking money from your children.......he is a complete waster.

Christ OP......what a complete waster.

DollyDaydream70 · 15/02/2020 22:18

I've been with my fella for two years now, in that time he's excited me at least two or three times about trips that have then not materialised. Last year was Brittany, France.. he mentioned it, said we should go later in the year and that he'd look at prices, then... nothing. Then around Christmas time he mentioned about going to Vegas in April, here we are in February and Vegas has not been mentioned again. He earns a lot more money than me so I'm not in a position to complain when these trips don't come off.

I've resigned myself to the fact that if I want to go somewhere, I'll perhaps have to make my own plans and go with girlfriends or family. I don't particularly fancy Vegas anyway!

My post is just to let you know that you're not alone with this kind of disappointment.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 15/02/2020 22:20

Of course there's no mention of money - he has no intention of spending any more than the bare minimum he can get away with when it comes to you.

Block him.

everythingbackbutyou · 15/02/2020 22:49

@NatureWalk, the day I resolved to focus on ACTIONS over WORDS where stbxh was concerned was the day I saw things much more clearly. I have always been an easy target for sob stories and he knew it. Squeezing out a few crocodile tears was his best weapon to get me back in my place, taking full advantage of my horror if I thought I had been unkind.

CalleighDoodle · 15/02/2020 22:59

Op, thats NOT stepping it up!!! Come on! He hasnt actually DONE anything. Block him. At least ignore him.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 15/02/2020 23:11

Personally, I would ask him for a specific amount of money to cover what he's cost you, give the impression it'll help smooth things over - and then dump and block.

Electrical · 15/02/2020 23:24

You’re paying to drive yourself to him for sex and to give him free childcare? Is there any point to this? Like, why not just keep your sexual partners separate to your kids? There’s no need to provide childcare for your lovers offspring, or force them into your kids lives, you’re taking resources away from your own kids to facilitate your sex life, time to raise your standards and demonstrate good choices to your kids. There are almost 8 billion humans on this dying planet, this scammer is your best choice??
Who cares about the dudes little texts and cigarettes, really. Focus solely on your own kids.

Rosehip345 · 15/02/2020 23:30

When you say these things haven’t come up again since, have you not asked again or pushed for details?
At least if he has just changed his mind he’d have to tell you

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2020 23:45

He hasn’t ‘stepped it up’ op, he’s even more full of bullshit than before. It’s pretty obvious what he’d have to do to make it right, but it’s equally obvious mr ‘I forgot my wallet’ lying so he doesn’t have to buy the pizza he suggested for dinner including for himself and his daughter and mr ‘Internet banking scares me’ lies is never ever going to be an equal partner, just a millstone around your neck.

PixieRabbit · 15/02/2020 23:54

Wow. His poor daughter. He’s absolutely full of shit and NOT a nice person.

Please block him and see what a bullet you have dodged.

Beketaten · 16/02/2020 02:22

If he really was sorry, he knows exactly how to start making amends, doesn't he? And yet he isn't. I'd text in the morning, not engaging with any of the emotional blackmail, but tell him how much he owes you. Then see what he does in the next 24 hours. If he still won't sort it out, then that's it. Over and blocked.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 16/02/2020 02:51

Oh god, he was a cocklodger in waiting wasn’t he!!!

Friendsofmine · 16/02/2020 02:54

I think his behaviour affects the relationship, not you bringing it up.

The Gottman Institute talks about integrity and accountability as crucial for building and sustaining trust. He's not delivering. That is causing the problem.

The4thSandersonSister · 16/02/2020 05:28

Dump this freeloading, lying, gaslighting loser. Delete his number and concentrate on yourself and you DC.

Dozer · 16/02/2020 07:50

Texts aren’t “stepping it up”: they have literally zero cost to him.

Even if he paid you say £500 (which won’t happen) what would happen then? No more lifts / food unless he pays the full cost? I bet he wouldn’t go for that. He doesn’t want to pay his way.

Cut him loose, make that list of what you spent on him, and be very careful about money and reciprocity in future.

AgentJohnson · 16/02/2020 07:55

You’re paying to drive yourself to him for sex and to give him free childcare? Is there any point to this?

This

He’s a cf at best, all talk and no trousers. Even now he’s using more talk in an effort to gloss over his poor behaviour.

He’s used to people paying for him and that now includes you.

Op, the issues why you hadn’t talked with him earlier are exactly the reasons that why you shouldn’t move in with him, let alone be talking about it.

KatherineJaneway · 16/02/2020 08:25

He txt me saying he wants to make it right

He's all talk. Unless there was cold hard cash going into your bank account, I'd not reply to him.

dognamedspot · 16/02/2020 08:49

Bloody hell Op, you deserve better.