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AIBU?

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Original poster

My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

423 replies

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 08:41

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

OP posts:
Original poster
NatureWalk · 16/02/2020 08:53

I havent heard from him this morning and it sort of hurts. I know getting rid of him is the right thing but I thought he would be a bit more broken up about it.

OP posts:
TreatMyself · 16/02/2020 08:54

Obviously not if he thinks it’s going to cost him money.

TheReef · 16/02/2020 09:00

Well done op... he said he wants to make it better, well he knows what to do and he's not done it. Kind of tells you everything

CalleighDoodle · 16/02/2020 09:04

You need to get angry and remember that he used you and your children. He used you for sex, food and childcare. He took time and money away from your children.

Block him now and dont allow him to come back and continue to take what your children can’t afford to lose.

The4thSandersonSister · 16/02/2020 09:07

He's been rumbled. He can't really keep on skiving now your onto him. This sort of person plays the long game, and hope to have their feet firmly under your table in before they pull out the real nastiness. By that time 5hey hope your in so deep you just put up with anything.

Is this the man you want your DC to model their behaviours on. I think not.

GenericDietCola · 16/02/2020 09:21

Have you actually asked him for the money he owes you?

FlowerArranger · 16/02/2020 09:24

havent heard from him this morning and it sort of hurts. I know getting rid of him is the right thing but I thought he would be a bit more broken up about it.

Read this again. Can you see how very wrong your thinking still is?

You are still hoping to hear from him.
You worry about how is (not) feeling.
You continue to struggle to align your heart/emotions with your (rational) head.

You have to focus on doing what you need to do, and your heart will follow. Also known as fake it till you make it.

The easiest way is to block, go no contact, becime a Grey Rock, and physically detach. Focus on your children who have been missing so much - and not just monetary - while you were pretzelling yourself to comply with your boyfriend's crazy expectations. You can do this!

Robin2323 · 16/02/2020 09:32

I'm sure he does have feelings for you but dude use you a bit for money.

Probably the sort if we used to joke about - last one ti get a round and only had a half when it was his turn.

Don't worry he'll be back in touch.

Whynosnowyet · 16/02/2020 09:39

Anyone think one false promise of cash and the op will appear soooo grateful all will be forgotten?
As is his plan imo...

mummmy2017 · 16/02/2020 09:40

I be tempted to send you bank details, and say this is about you never paying your way.
I am in debt over £1000 because you never pay.
And see what he does.
If he gives you over £500 he does care.

Original poster
NatureWalk · 16/02/2020 09:42

Anyone think one false promise of cash and the op will appear soooo grateful all will be forgotten?
As is his plan imo...

Even if he paid all the money right now I still wouldnt take him back. I'd constantly be over thinking his every move

OP posts:
Original poster
NatureWalk · 16/02/2020 09:43

@mummy2017 he has my bank details from the odd tenner he sent here and there. He could pay some money this second but he hasnt.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 16/02/2020 09:45

Good. Well done op. Really consider staying single for the foreseeable and doing the freedom programme.

You are brilliant to have acted now. You will now not be here in a Year’s time upset your oh is living with you, does no housework or childcare, pays nothing to the house, expects you to fund his cigarettes the last two weeks of every month, youre getting into debt keeping him, and your children are fed up of him, but you loves him.

Original poster
NatureWalk · 16/02/2020 09:46

A few weeks ago I actually messaged him saying shit I haven't been able to.pay my council tax and I have a court summons he text back and said he would send me the money to pay it off. Even with the possibility of me going to court the money didnt appear. I managed to scrape the money together to pay them off.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 16/02/2020 09:47

Bore off @mummmy2017 with such unhelpful advice. Shitty lazy me apologist.

Even if he did pay her some Money now, it has been under duress. How are those the actions of a man who cares?!

CalleighDoodle · 16/02/2020 09:48

was the council tax bill less than the money it has cost to keep this boyfriend?

MsPepperPotts · 16/02/2020 09:51

You've done really well to be so strong over all this @NatureWalk

You're right even if he paid you right this minute(which he won't) you will always be on the back foot with him.
He's absolutely awful.
I know things are tough right now and it hurts like hell.... but just remember to look after your own emotional and physical wellbeing first in the future.
Do not let any person fleece you for money ever again no matter what bullshit story they give you.

You deserve so much better than someone like him Flowers

PrettyyGood · 16/02/2020 09:55

Have you spent so much mine t on him that you can't pay your bills and have court summons due to this? Or are you yourself also very chaotic with money - hence why you prioritise this man over your children?

All sounds a bit six of one and half a dozen of the other to me. You'd be better off sorting out your personal finances and concentrating on your children and not getting into a situation in the future where you're discussing moving in with a man after a matter of months

Original poster
NatureWalk · 16/02/2020 09:55

@calleighdoodle much less it was £150

OP posts:
Nekoness · 16/02/2020 09:56

As much as the trip to London sounded like a lovely gift, I think it was a gift to himself and you came along for the company. Because let’s be honest - if he gifted you that cash - it would have made such a huge difference to you and your kids. And it would be a true act of love.

AriadnesFilament · 16/02/2020 09:57

He’s taking you for an absolute ride. If you’d stayed with him it would have only got worse - there would have been a reason to give up the part time job, for example - and you’d have got even more resentful, but him being in the same house would have made it even harder to tell him to do one.

Look on this as a lucky escape and stick to your decision. Don’t listen to any of his rubbish now (delete and block would be my suggestion) and remind yourself of all the things he hasn’t done during your time together. His priority is firmly himself. Not you.

Nekoness · 16/02/2020 09:57

I actually now wonder if the trip wasn’t his parents’ gift to him.

Original poster
NatureWalk · 16/02/2020 09:58

@PrettyyGood my exh has stopped paying maintenance which has left me .massively short. Normally I'm good with money but being £300 a month down because of exh has just messed the last couple of months up

OP posts:
PrettyyGood · 16/02/2020 10:01

You need to speak to the council ASAP then. It's a priority bill and they'll come after you hard so if you've received a court summons this would indicate you've not kept them in the loop - their normally allow a payment plan etc etc

I see no harm in dating this man actually. Just keep your money to yourself, stop telling him you're skint every five minutes and don't spend out a penny on him. The harm comes from chat about moving in etc etc when you've only known him 5 minutes

TheCakeCrusader · 16/02/2020 10:03

NatureWalk I haven't heard from him this morning and it sort of hurts. I know getting rid of him is the right thing but I thought he would be a bit more broken up about it.

Why should he be more broken up about it? He’s been financially enabled by you! You and your children’s welfare come first- his only reaction to this is that he’s upset at losing his cushy lifestyle - anyone can say ’I love you’ but real love should also show compassion and mindfulness.

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