Is no funeral selfish?

[BitchyArriver]

Now, I know the bear pit of AIBU is not the most appropriate place for this. Really it should be in Bereavement but I really wanted the traffic and to enable voting to understand if I’m in the wrong or not.

My DH lost his father yesterday. It was quite a shock but we did know his health wasn’t the best. They had been estranged for years after he walked out on his family when the kids were little and never sent even a birthday card let alone CS.

Despite this they had made up with each other in recent years, seen each other very occasionally and he attended our wedding, sat at front row, in family pictures etc.

I’ve just been told today that there will be no funeral. Apparently his last wishes were to be cremated privately without any mourners. His immediate family (second wife and children) have decided to grant this wish even though they feel strange about it.

AIBU to say that funerals are for the living, and if you’re dead why would you care? I think that a funeral and wake would really help my DH to process this.

I’ve got my hard hat on. I also should have name changed but I think I’ve got zero fucks to give by now.

YABU it was your DFILs choice, and only his DW has any say in it.

YANBU not having a funeral is selfish and takes away the opportunity for people who weren’t at the hospital to say goodbye.

@1066vegan Please ask them what they want.

And where I live you pay £200 more for a service at the crematorium, rather than direct cremation. Everything else is not necessary.

I could not give a damn if I have a funeral or not. It matters not a bit to me. But the funerals of those who I love and have dies mattered a great deal to me.

I still think it is selfish. Lots of people here talking about what they want and how they feel and not about what those who love you want.
I would never do this to people unless every single person who cared about me was happy about it.

I don't know if I'd use the word selfish, but I do think it can be difficult for the family of those left behind not to have a funeral.

I had experience of this with someone I knew and it felt very odd to me and others who knew the person. It was like we didn't have the chance to let go or say goodbye and attempting to do it by ourselves in an independent way didn't quite feel the same.

I think our mourning customs in general in this country are pretty messed up and not helpful for the grieving. I think other cultures and nations do it much better. I think the Jewish tradition of a burial within 24 hours of a death followed by a set mourning period is much healthier for those left behind.

I absolutely understand where you're coming from, OP. Having been to/organised my fair share of funerals, including my own parents, I've come to see the value that a funeral can have for the people left behind. When I organised my mother's funeral I was grieving very badly, was quite a young adult, and my overwhelming urge was to do everything as she had requested (she died of a terminal illness so we had chance to talk about it). One of the things she said was that she hated the thought of having a gravestone and everyone coming to grieve over a price of stone. So she was cremated and we haven't buried the ashes and she doesn't have a gravestone. But not having an actual place for where she rests, or a headstone with her name on, has caused a bit of heartache in my family. We've nowhere to go to 'see' her. Part of me wishes we had ignored that request, and that what happens after we die should be more about the people left behind rather than those who have gone. I don't think it's selfish, as such, but not really thinking about the implications for the family who will (hopefully) be living on for many years more.

Sorry, a really long winded way of answering your question. I do think some sort of opportunity for everyone who knew and loved them to get together to grieve, comfort and say goodbye is vital in the process of grieving. Doesn't have to be a religious funeral though.

Lots of people here talking about what they want and how they feel and not about what those who love you want

Surely it’s selfish to oblige me to go to a funeral when I don’t want to.

Why do you have to go? You don't.

thinking thank you for the link

I thought a 'wake' was an Irish thing and particularly RC - why has this suddenly become something all the UK does? Weird!

All people mean is getting together for a drink.
Funerals in England traditionally have a bit of food and a drink afterwards. That is all they mean.

I find it so sad that many posters do not think that a person has the right to choose their final time in this world. You may wish to mourn their passing or celebrate their life together as a gathering which is fine but just not at their burial/cremation. Really shocked people think it is acceptable not to honour the deceased wishes.

" I don’t quite understand this need for people to be at a funeral to pay their last respects. It’s not as if the person is there is it?
I totally agree with this. We didnt go to a close family members funeral recently, we went and lit a candle in another church and then went on a family walk. That was how we processed it. Worked for us.

Today 17:47 karencantobe

@Bluerussian A direct cremation will cost about £2300/£2500 where I live. A funeral I helped arrange last year was £3300. So with direct cremation, and meal/drink get together, you are saving what £500?

Funerals are hard and are not a comfort. But I firmly believe they can really help with the grieving process

Nah in my area it costs less than £1000.

My dad didn’t want a funeral but mum was bullied into it. Besides close family, most people turned up for the catering. Arseholes. They were really upset when there wasn’t a free bar.

Mum died and we provided food in her home together with alcohol. moan, moan, moan. All from people she hadn’t seen for years.

I’m having a direct cremation

Surely it’s selfish to oblige me to go to a funeral when I don’t want to

You won’t know. Your funeral isn’t for you.

The Wake in UK is usually post funeral.

In Ireland it is pre funeral where the bereaved and family and friends gather in some place, usually the deceased's home (and often with the coffin and deceased in view too). All day and night affair and is just a cultural thing. Not so much in the cities, but in rural areas it is.

Irish funerals also have a post funeral reception too. Just to mention.

Was at one recently in Ireland. OMG sad and amazing are the only words. Everyone knows that people are sad, but there is also a celebration of life too. Cannot explain it. Was uplifting.

It's hard on your DH but of course your MIL should fulfil FIL's request.

Perhaps you could organise a celebration or family get-together in a few months instead. Could you speak with MIL when things have moved on a little? She asked you to keep in touch and may be glad of an opportunity to reinforce family ties. A funeral may have given her comfort at what must be a difficult time and FIL not wanting a funeral may isolate her.

If you speak with MIL you may better understand FIL's choice. Maybe he didn't want a narrative of his life to be delived, particularly as he would have no control over it and he clearly had a complicated life.

Perhaps you could organise a family picnic in summer so FIL's death can be used as a prompt to bring everyone together. DH and MIL may need support, along with other family members, and it might be a lovely opportunity to strenghten ties.

I've mentioned it before on here, but my will states cheapest method of disposal. I would imagine it will be a direct cremation.

I would rather the money go to the living. I will be dead so wont care who is at my funeral!

Those talking about a memorial service, that is simply a funeral service by a different name. Funerals do not have to be religious at all. You do not need a celebrant. They do not have to happen at the crematorium or in a church.

My DP said if he dies first that he does not want his brothers attending. I told him that I would not be telling them that as I believe strongly that anyone who wants to should be able to attend a funeral. He accepted this and agreed they could come, but not speak at it.

Not everyone who attends a funeral will feel good feelings about the deceased. Close relatives who had a difficult relationship with the deceased may not have seen them recently, but still need to attend.

I actually find the idea that you would restrict who attends a funeral very peculiar. The food afterwards sure, but not the actual service. I think a formal service whether religious or not would be easier to get through than a get together where you are socialising. The funeral I went to of someone close to me who died at 40 was very difficult. I went to the funeral (I don't really remember it), but not any get together afterwards as I was simply too upset. We spread the ashes a long while later, but tbh that was so much later that it felt more like doing what she wanted, than what I wanted to do.

I have said to DP he can do what he wants if I die before him. He knows music etc I like and not to waste money. But if something makes him or my DCs comforted, then do it. So a work colleague died at 30 and had a cardboard coffin decorated by her two young children. This is not the cheapest option, but it helped them to be directly involved in this way. Personally I don't care what they do, I will be dead.

I have been to a lot of funerals. At one time I would not have said they matter so much. Now I think they can matter a lot. But they can be very short and simple.

@Barbarella1 It sounds like you are in N Ireland? That is the cheapest place in the UK to be cremated.

I thought a 'wake' was an Irish thing and particularly RC - why has this suddenly become something all the UK does? Weird!

You thought incorrectly, a wake is definitely a thing in England and afaik always has been. Why would it be exclusively Irish?

Its crossed my mind when people say it's a direct cremation and no funeral, that the smaller family are having a funeral, just not inviting some people that they dont want there.

I’m torn and I don’t think everyone’s motivation for not having a funeral will be the same so impossible to brand everyone as either selfish or unselfish.

At the end of the day, a funeral is for the benefit of the mourners not the dead person. But I understand some people preferring a celebration or party rather than a somber funeral. And if someone who knows they’re dying has planned things a certain way that was probably part of how they processed what was happening so seems petty to go against their wishes. I imagine some people also don’t want to burden their family with the cost of a funeral, especially if they haven’t savings to pay for one themselves.

So with splinters in my bum from sitting on the fence I’m going to say it depends on the persons reasons for not wanting a funeral

We had a direct to cremation for a distant relative. The relatives couldn’t make it to a funeral due to ill health. We had an internment with flowers later.

"Surely it’s selfish to oblige me to go to a funeral when I don’t want to

You won’t know. Your funeral isn’t for you."

The cost of it is coming out of the dead persons estate, so they are paying for something they dont want.

It's maybe selfish but it would be disrespectful of you to demand a funeral for a person who didn't want you there!

AIBU to say that funerals are for the living, and if you’re dead why would you care?

Yes, yabu. Who says funerals are for the living?

I want the same when I die.

I have family and a few people I'd loosely call friends. I am no contact with the family I have and live in pretty much solitude. How dare these people want to turn up when I'm gone and put on a hypocritical facade while munching on the buffet!

If people don't make the effort when you're alive then don't turn up when their dead.
The guy obviously feels his family have been pretty shit. Respect his wishes.

My mum has left her body to science. I totally respect her choice. However, now she's ill and it might be terminal, I do feel a bit strange that I won't have a funeral.

However, I totally respect her wishes and will arrange a gathering of some sort if it feels right.

Funerals are not fun but they definitely help with a sense of closure to that really tough period directly after a death.