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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To return this cheque?

414 replies

MAFIL · 13/02/2020 15:14

I've received a cheque today from an organisation that I have been embroiled in a legal dispute with for some time. They have finally admitted their fault and compensated me. All good, except the cheque is payable to Mrs MAFIL and, unsurprisingly, given its my name, my bank account is in the name of Dr MAFIL. Now I expect my bank will probably accept it, given it has the correct first name and surname on, but this has really pissed me off. I have been communicating with these people for over a year and on every occasion I have referred to myself as Dr. Nor do I ever recall disclosing my marital status as it is wholly irrelevant to the matter in hand. (I am married as it happens but my husband has a different surname.) The casual sexism really annoys me. As a middle aged woman it is assumed I must be married? And I am not entitled to the courtesy of my professional title?
I am tempted to return the cheque and insist on a new one being issued. But on the other hand, it has been such a battle to get to this point, half of me wants to just bank the money and forget about it. Given their general ineptitude to date, who knows when the new cheque will arrive.
WWYD? Send it back? Shrug it off and bank the cheque? Only complain if the cheque is refused by the bank? Bank it but send a letter complaining? Something else?

OP posts:
IntermittentParps · 13/02/2020 16:19

Comments like there is no reason for you to have been using it other than some sense of intellectual superiority, in which case, get over yourself and bank the cheque. are VERY chippy indeed. It's the OP who needs to get over herself? Hmm Grin

OP, this would piss me off too. I'd hang on to the cheque for now but phone them, explain and say breezily, 'What shall we do next?'

DameFanny · 13/02/2020 16:20

Also, compensation is not a windfall - unless you're the kind of shit that makes up accidents and puts in false claims.

showmewhatyougot · 13/02/2020 16:21

People really just find anything to be offended at now. Just cash the cheque and be happy the ordeal is over, you won?

DCOkeford · 13/02/2020 16:21

@damefanny

OP has already said that she doesn't have the necessary qualifications to call herself a Dr.

That's rather the point - she's pissy about not being addressed by a title to which she has no right anyway.

PoppyFleur · 13/02/2020 16:21

Wow, there are some unnecessarily unpleasant responses on this thread.

If I had spent 6 years of my life undertaking an incredibly challenging (both mentally and physically) degree I too would be pissed off at not having my title - which I had used on all correspondence - respected.

Every day sexism is very real. But of course this is Mumsnet, so being a Dr means you are middle class, comparatively well-off and so therefore undeserving of even common courtesy.

PanicAndRun · 13/02/2020 16:21

Bank it, wait for it to clear and then write a letter to complain.
I get it.

DappledThings · 13/02/2020 16:23

Isn't illegal to hold yourself out as a doctor without the relevant qualifications

She does have the relevant qualifications, she is a doctor! A medical one with a MBBS, which is a bachelor's degree. She doesn't have a PhD.

Nowayorhighway · 13/02/2020 16:24

Ha, this is so ridiculous.

DCOkeford · 13/02/2020 16:25

She does have the relevant qualifications, she is a doctor! A medical one with a MBBS, which is a bachelor's degree. She doesn't have a PhD

I misread - my apologies Flowers

Redcherries · 13/02/2020 16:26

I can see why you would be wondering up by this, you've worked to be a Dr and achieved a great deal.

Surely though sending the cheque back is just going to add further time and stress to the situation, personally I'd bank it and drop an email to express my feelings once I was sitting drinking a big glass of wine courtesy of the cleared cheque.

DCOkeford · 13/02/2020 16:27

TBH, in that case I think OP has more of a leg to stand on.

I have a friend (with a PhD) who regularly receives letters addressed to Dr & Mrs Surname.

Given that her DH barely scraped though A levels, it's fair to say it pisses her right off...

PoppyFleur · 13/02/2020 16:27

The level of reading comprehension on this site has really declined in recent years.

@DCokeford The OP is a medical doctor. She was making the point that she does not have a doctorate i.e a PhD. She has an undergraduate degree i.e a Bachelor of Medicine or Bachelor of Surgery (MBBS).

trianglular · 13/02/2020 16:28

Jesus fucking Christ you lot should be ashamed of yourselves.

Oh calm down!

Someone works hard to get qualifications, qualifications in this case that directly put good back into the community, and you think she's being precious because some knob at a bank can't be bothered to read any of the letters she's written? Should I call you all Gerald and you can fucking like it because names don't matter?

Nobody is calling OP a different name though, they used the incorrect title which doesn't matter a fuck. Also, it wasn't the bank.

Jesus fuck. I'm ashamed of you.

Your time would be better used thinking about how you carry yourself, not the rest of us.

BacklashStarts · 13/02/2020 16:29

Yanbu but I’d bank it then complain as I’d want to make sure the money didn’t disappear!

DCOkeford · 13/02/2020 16:31

I'd already corrected myself @PoppyFleur, and apologised - might be worth having a look at your own reading comprehension too?

MollyButton · 13/02/2020 16:31

I have a Doctorate - and have no problem with a cheque made out to the wrong title - I did have a problem the only time my DCs school got my name wrong - that was on a cheque and they put my surname as the same as my children.

JassyRadlett · 13/02/2020 16:34

What a pathetic stealth boast.

Not everything that makes you feel inferior is a stealth boast. Wink

YasssKween · 13/02/2020 16:35

I assure you, Darren in accounts hasn't done this to spite you

This made me laugh 😂

Batqueen · 13/02/2020 16:35

Ah Mumsnet, where people will tell you everyday sexism doesn’t matter. . .

Wizotto · 13/02/2020 16:36

Wait until the money has cleared and then complain.

Alsohuman · 13/02/2020 16:40

it is a sign of deeply ingrained societal sexism, which is a far more troublesome thing.
I have to confess that I am surprised by the number of people who can't see that

As a member of the generation that fought for equal pay, maternity leave and pay, discrimination legislation and all manner of rights you completely take for granted, I count it a real measure of our success that this is all the sexism you have to worry about. Find a grip and grasp it firmly.

Lweji · 13/02/2020 16:41

I'm a proper Doctor, and usually don't care if people use my title or Mrs/Ms. It happens too many times for me to bother getting upset about it.

Having said that, if I was really pissed at them, and anything below £100, I'd probably send it back.

If it's more on the £100 000 bracket, then I'd rather cash it in.

You could always write a letter of complaint using the wrong titles for them all over the place. If you've been dealing with a man, then use Mrs too.

bibliomania · 13/02/2020 16:44

Have a little fume about it, cash it in, then don't waste any more thought on it. Don't give them the power to ruin your mood.

Kanga83 · 13/02/2020 16:47

Ah just cash the bloody thing. I'm a solicitor and have a PHD so technically could use the Dr title. it would have been an automatic thing on the system. Then it goes to accounts to raise. Really no big deal and it is really irritating when PHD's and medics insist on Dr all the time. Unless I'm talking to you in your professional capacity I refuse to refer to anyone as Dr. But feel free to return the cheque, and wait two months for another one to be raised due to your stealth boast, because they have so much free time on their hands. I guarantee you that cheque will take ages to be raised. It's not about sexism, it's about out of the 100 cases each day with a cheque to be raised with accounts they have enough to do. The surnames right, cash it and move on.

DameFanny · 13/02/2020 16:48

trianglular

Maybe I'm sick of seeing women continue to keep other women 'in their place' and this is today's last straw?