Very "technical" compliments from a colleague

[Yesiwearspandex]

Today's first world problem.

There is a colleague in the office (female, early 50s) who likes to give LOUD compliments on other women's appearances but in a very "technical" way, i.e. highlighting the way how they achieved a particular look rather than just saying they look great.
For example: "oh you had your eyebrows plucked, looks nice".
Or "wow, mascara today, any special plans for the evening?"
Or "this new foundation you are wearing really suits you, your skin looks perfect".
Or "you dyed your hair, it suits you".
Or "what a dress, and that shapewear really rocks too".
The team is predominantly middle aged men, with just a few women of different ages here and there, and all her comments seem to be targeted at women.
AIBU to read too much into it, as in it being a bit bitchy? On one hand, she seems to be saying nice things, on another, I feel weird myself when she comments on something that I hope will go unnoticed (such as foundation or shapewear), almost like I am under a constant surveillance from some sort of a beauty police. Maybe because I don't usually notice if someone had changed their foundation or is wearing mascara, but just notice that they look good.

Can you give back to her, like agree that shapewear is great and she should try some? That could stop her in her tracks.

this sort of comment makes me really uncomfortable.

I'd say all comments on personal appearance should be banned.

I had a woman do this in my last workplace and I ended up telling her directly "please don't comment on my appearance".

The shapewear stuff must violate some kind of HR rule surely?

Gobsmacked that someone would notice someone else had changed their foundation.

I suppose I might say something quietly, like "nice shaped eyebrows, have you done something to them?" but I definitely would ensure it wasn't overheard.

I once had a (female) boss look deep into my eyes and then ask if I had new contact lenses.

That was very odd.

Whether it's intentional (on some level) or not, it's inappropriate. You could try bouncing exactly the same type of comment back at her and see how she likes it, eg 'Thanks, I was just thinking your eyebrows looked expertly plucked the other day!' 'Thanks, your makeup is really effective too', 'Thanks, your bra seems to be doing a stellar job as well!' You could even throw in a proper compliment to someone else too, like 'you look nice today susan' or 'nice cufflinks, Jeff' to set her a good example

PS don't say you look like Shrek's sister. Even if you do (you don't I'm sure) you are a worthy person and allowed to wear nice nail varnish!

There was a spate in the 90's or 00's of personal development courses that taught people to give detailed compliments. Rather than say 'you look nice', you were supposed to be specific because 'nice' can seen insincere and vague. I guess she got into the habit then.

I'm not very informed on beauty and style things and I think a lot of the people around me look amazing and do amazing things with make-up and hair and clothes. I trained as a graphic designer and did a lot of work with colour and photography. I also paint in my spare time. I understand how colour works.

I know that I probably comment too much on how women look but that's what hits me – new hair style, lovely skin tone, fantastic new spex, amazing smokey eyes/lipstick, jumper in just the perfect shade to make eye-colour and hair pop. I only ever comment on something I admire, so I would hope always to be positive.

I do know I sometimes cause offence. I have an acquaintance who has a really love golden skin tone that gives her a healthy glow and really brings out the blue in her eyes and suits her hair. I said this genuinely in a kind of wonderment because in the winter my skin goes a bit grey and dead-looking and what with the fading natural blonde of my hair I tend to look corpse-like. I guess I was hoping to get some tips on how to look as glowing as she does. She took offence. I was told later that she thought I was accusing her of having a fake tan but fake tan hadn't occurred to me.

Some people really appreciate having things noticed. Others don't. It's always a risk. Perhaps I need to stop saying anything at all personal.

Anne that's interesting.

it's a long time ago though.

Ok, for all that this could be meant nicely - if part of a personal discussion - the loudness makes it not nice. It's a broadcast to other people. And commenting on undergarments, like shapewear, is inappropriate. So I've changed my view.

It does sound as though she's trying to belittle you and your colleagues.

I think she's being a bitch.

She’s Jellyfish from Bridget Jones!

It does seem quite bitchy

I say that sort of thing and I'm not being bitchy. I mean it.

But there's a difference between saying "you look nice" and "you look nice, I see you got the experts in to assist you".

I'm sure the woman means no harm, she probably thinks she is being complimentary and showing interest. However her remarks are a bit much and bordering on the too personal, perhaps someone could tactfully tell her or, when she starts it again, just laugh it off and say that's too much detail for the office. She may take the hint if she has enough negative responses.

I think you’re taking it the wrong way although obviously I’m only reading it, not hearing it. So it could be that she’s hiding a bitchy comment
But they sound a bit like something I’d say. If you just say to someone “your makeup looks nice today” it’s like saying ‘every other day it looks shit but today it looks nice’ to me.

They just sound like normal compliments to me.

In my mind I'm seeing this play out as an eposide from The IT Crowd.

Some people do this because they feel that mentioning details makes them sounds more caring/observant... as in 'I really pay attention, I am not just saying this...'. She may be in that, slightly awkward, group?

These are definitely back-handed compliments. She's being a bitch.

Definitely backhanded compliments!

Please do say this . I guess then you could fire back with, 'Thanks! It's my new mascara! You must tell me where you're going for your Botox/skin peels/liposuction, Kathy!' and see how she likes it.

"Wow, your 'tache is barely noticeable today! Really good wax job. Off somewhere special tonight?"

Hi OP,

In my view YANBU. I would feel uncomfortable too if this woman made comments like this to me. Especially in a loud manner in front of others, mainly men. I wouldn't like things like this being highlighted even if it is intended to be a compliment.

Could you have a quiet conversation with her and politely say that you would prefer it if she didn't make comments like this to you in the future because it makes you feel uncomfortable?

As a side note, out of interest what age is this woman and what does she look like herself? No reason for asking other than being nosey!

Also don't put yourself down, I'm sure you look lovely.

Crap! I give compliments that are like: love your eyelashes/ nice lipstick. And people find it odd. Whats wrong with compliment

Ha! @AravisTarkheena and @MontanaSkies

Brilliant! 😂🤣

@wizzywig, if the woman in OP's office said it, she'd say:
love your eyelashes, you can barely tell they're extensions/ nice lipstick, your lips don't look so thin in that colour.

There's a big difference.

A backhanded compliment is when you insult someone in a way that makes it look like a compliment.