Very "technical" compliments from a colleague

[Yesiwearspandex]

Today's first world problem.

There is a colleague in the office (female, early 50s) who likes to give LOUD compliments on other women's appearances but in a very "technical" way, i.e. highlighting the way how they achieved a particular look rather than just saying they look great.
For example: "oh you had your eyebrows plucked, looks nice".
Or "wow, mascara today, any special plans for the evening?"
Or "this new foundation you are wearing really suits you, your skin looks perfect".
Or "you dyed your hair, it suits you".
Or "what a dress, and that shapewear really rocks too".
The team is predominantly middle aged men, with just a few women of different ages here and there, and all her comments seem to be targeted at women.
AIBU to read too much into it, as in it being a bit bitchy? On one hand, she seems to be saying nice things, on another, I feel weird myself when she comments on something that I hope will go unnoticed (such as foundation or shapewear), almost like I am under a constant surveillance from some sort of a beauty police. Maybe because I don't usually notice if someone had changed their foundation or is wearing mascara, but just notice that they look good.

Rightly or wrongly, I'm afraid the message I would be picking up from such comments would be - without the artifice and effort, you ain't all that!

She sounds bitchy and insecure to me. She must have X-ray eyes to notice things like a change in foundation or what underwear they are wearing. I think that mascara comment sounds sarky as well.

Why not just say “you look lovely!”.

I’m not someone who puts a massive amount of thought into my appearance but I get the impression that I look quite “together” most of the time, due to a staple wardrobe of things I know work for me without having to think about it and a quick go to make up and hair routine that again I just do automatically without thinking about it. Over the years I’ve had a few comments which would indicate people put way more thought into my choices then I do and I find it really strange! Who pays that much attention to other people’s appearance. Why scrutinise others for the slightest change?

I would definatley not describe those compliments as technical. I think she's backing up her compliments with ab actual reason rather than a lazy you look nice.

If you feel she is being bitchy I think it's either your interpretation or due to her other behaviours.

Maybe she's on the autism spectrum?
I don't think she is, but I am - hence asking. I am well adjusted socially, but can stay oblivious to the finer aspects of human interaction, such as underhand bitchiness. And am probably too anxious about it too, "seeing" malice where there is none intended.

Hmmm, hard to say- the context depends on how she is generally. Is she generally really sweet and kind?- if so, no harm done. If she craves all the attention on her and struts around like a peacock- then its likely to be bitchy etc

The one with the foundation and the acne is straight up horrible. It says hey, everyone has noticed how bad your spotty skin is and now yay, you've covered it up!

It's difficult because I occasionally pass on compliments to be nice and hopefully give someone a boost, but some people are obviously doing it with a different agenda.
I like totallyfuckedupfamilys thinking of turning it round on her, she'll soon stop it if you start highlighting her own short comings, if that's her game.

I would have thought in the work environment it was inapprop for people to be commenting on people's appearance anyway as it is very unprofessional.

She obv gets away with personal comments because she is older, has the boss's ear as his PA and indulges her ... what should really happen is the boss be approached about the unprofessional culture being perpetuated ... but beware, if she is the barrier the boss may not like criticism of favourite ... so I suggest a few backhanded response and likely or not she will go and tattle to the boss about how horrible people are being ... so if I were you start keeping dates, times and a record so you have some evidence if needed or if you decide to follow up professionally.

Impossible to say without knowing her and having the tone of voice, body language, facial expression and everything else to factor in.

Words on a screen alone are impossible to analyse

I would just come out with something no-nonsense like:

"Could you stop with the personal comments about appearance? It's not appropriate."

I don’t know - hard to judge without hearing tone of voice, eyebrows raised, faux smile. It could be she’s just that sort of person, trying to make nice conversation and youre looking for reasons to be offended or she could be crazy 🤷🏻‍♀️ and a totally false person.

Compliments aren't meant to make you squirm, and mention of foundation, hair dye and underwear is belittling. And there's no need to score female colleagues out of 10 on their appearance endlessly.

She's not old enough to get away with the sexism, and no one's old enough to get away with being rude.

Has she ever said anything nice? or is it all damning with faint praise?

She sounds ace! And really kind and supportive. She's just more observant and more interested in style and beauty than you are.

You could speak up for yourself and say 'hey! lovely colleague, a woman doesn't like to reveal all her secrets!' or similar, in a friendly way, if she's commenting on things you don't want to discuss publicly.

So yes, YABU for being oversensitive and for not speaking up for yourself.

It's a bitchy, power thing. Exactly what I used to do to slightly intimidate women around me with it being called out (before I grew up and realised what a cow I was). She comes across as being nice, whilst making herself seem like the office beauty and style 'aficionado'.

I would just make a joke that others can join in with.. e.g. start laughing, roll your eyes and go 'nee naw nee naw the beauty police are back', or make another comment straight after in a really over the top manner 'waooooow Jessica, I love the way your dress is hemmed, it really shows off your lovely knee caps'. You just need to disarm her and make it clear she's being odd.

That is hardly going to lead to a comfortable office atmosphere leadbetter and it's childish. If you are uncomfortable with how someone deal with you it's far better to be up front and assertive.

The thing is, if you dye your hair, pluck your eyebrows, wear shapewear etc, you are interested in your appearance and she's just noticing that and being friendly by discussing a common interest.

@midsomermurderess yes i addressed that thank you, no need to tell me off

I think your overthinking.

For me, if I knew a colleague was working to improve how they applied foundation to hide acne / scars and they had done a particularly good job, then I'd say so. Your colleague has been open about the make up lessons so I don't see why they would take such a compliment badly. And it would be a compliment, not bitchy at all.

@midsomermurderess sorry was unclear if you were responding to my first or second paragraph, but now I've reread I think you were responding to my suggestions.

I think that's exactly the right approach and always shut me up!

I probably wouldn't be offended by the comment itself, but if she's saying these things very loud so that the whole office can overhear then I'd have a problem with that. Some people are very self conscious and don't want others drawing attention to their physical appearance.

A compliment is not a compliment if it makes the other person feel uncomfortable in any way. If it's said in a way to gain power over the other person, or make them feel uncomfortable then it could be classed as harassment. The comment about the foundation could have drawn attention to the person it was aimed at, making others scrutinise her skin which would very likely make them uncomfortable if they suffer from and are covering up acne.

Would this woman make a loud comment about the appearance of one of her male co-workers? If not then she should not be doing it to the women either.

Commenting on your underwear is extremely rude. Shapewear is under your clothes, not there to be commented on at all.

The rest of it is equally rude IMO. If someone complimented me on my plucked eyebrows or new foundation, I would laugh! Of course it's not polite to mention people's grooming habits and the fact that she does it to women and not to men says it all.

Nice genuine compliments- I like your scarf, you look well at the moment, you look good, all fine, these are not, and she knows it!

Start a twitter account called Weirdlypersonalcomments and start live tweeting them.

For me, if I knew a colleague was working to improve how they applied foundation to hide acne / scars and they had done a particularly good job, then I'd say so

Really? Instead of just saying 'you look great at the moment!'

Why on earth would anyone think that someone else was interested in their judgement of their make-up or underwear. It's quite laughable.

If you were in an office of all women then I would think absolutely nothing was amiss here. However, the fact that she is mentioning stuff loudly in front of men and that she is the office flirt/queen bee makes me think that she is trying to keep you in your place. Mentioning your Spanx in front of people - totally inappropriate! What an awful thing to bring to the attention of others!

I’m female and in my 50s and would compliment someone on their hair or outfit. Now I’m doubting myself.

However, the mascara, foundation and shape wear I wouldn’t comment on, especially the shape wear. That’s almost rude.