Very "technical" compliments from a colleague

[Yesiwearspandex]

Today's first world problem.

There is a colleague in the office (female, early 50s) who likes to give LOUD compliments on other women's appearances but in a very "technical" way, i.e. highlighting the way how they achieved a particular look rather than just saying they look great.
For example: "oh you had your eyebrows plucked, looks nice".
Or "wow, mascara today, any special plans for the evening?"
Or "this new foundation you are wearing really suits you, your skin looks perfect".
Or "you dyed your hair, it suits you".
Or "what a dress, and that shapewear really rocks too".
The team is predominantly middle aged men, with just a few women of different ages here and there, and all her comments seem to be targeted at women.
AIBU to read too much into it, as in it being a bit bitchy? On one hand, she seems to be saying nice things, on another, I feel weird myself when she comments on something that I hope will go unnoticed (such as foundation or shapewear), almost like I am under a constant surveillance from some sort of a beauty police. Maybe because I don't usually notice if someone had changed their foundation or is wearing mascara, but just notice that they look good.

Your colleague has been open about the make up lessons so I don't see why they would take such a compliment badly.
That's me and make up lessons are my dirty little secret, I am not open about it.
I am indeed not very interested in fashion and beauty, and probably it's just too obvious to everyone when I am making an effort.

I am not easily offended but this would piss me off. I think it doesn't matter so much the intent... it is intrusive.

If you think she is basically a nice person, Iwould give her some gentle, sincere feedback, one to one. Eg:

"I've noticed when you give compliments about how I look, you highlight what I did to achieve that look. For example, wearing shapeware or a new foundation, rather than just saying I look nice or my skin is glowing. For me, that makes me feel a bit over-exposed, and even embarrassed, especially when you say it loud enough for others to hear. I don't want people to be thinking about my beauty routine and definitely not my underwear. That's personal to me. Can I ask if you want to give me a compliment, you could just mention the effect, rather than what I have done to achieve it? I appreciate how perceptive you are and trust that you are just trying to be nice, so I will feel really good if you can make that change. What do you think?" Smile.

If that doesn't work, I would start to comment on her in an equally intrusive way. 😜

YANBU, wow, who has time for these observations? I'd hate it, it's the attention I don't like.

Only acceptable comments in an office are you look great today/lovely shoes/that scarf looks great on you/nice hair cut.. anything more detailed is creepy and inappropriate.

what a dress, and that shapewear really rocks too

That comment makes her sound like a character in a Rocky Flintstone book/My Dad Wrote a Porno. Who speaks like that?! Who notices if someone is wearing shape wear, let alone draws attention to it? She sounds like a knob.

I think she's being very catty and cruel.
She's taken the art of a back handed compliment to a very extreme level.
If she really meant to compliment you she wouldn't qualify her statements. I'll bet she does in such a way that any dissent from you makes you look like the mean one.

From what you've said, it sounds as if she's trying to make sure the middle-aged men know (a) that Susan didn't wake up like that, and (b) she's a great gal because she's always boosting the other gals' confidence.

I vote Mean Girl. Genuine 'boosters' just say, 'You look great today, Susan!' with zero mention of shapewear, concealer or mascara.

omg, nothing more boring than jabber about appearance. And as someone else notes, never good as 'you look good today' can be taken as 'you look rough as a badger's arse normally'. This is why appearance-jabber can also be insulting, unintentionally or otherwise, and so unless opinions are asked should never be volunteered.

and this isn't 'technical' - it's hardly science, is it?

I'd just file under 'boring woman', smile sweetly and ignore.

Intent is everything. If it doesn’t feel like a compliment and feels passive aggressive, chances are it is. I wouldn’t try and reply to it. Any reply will feed whatever it is they’re trying to fix in themselves that prompts them to behave like that in the first place. Offer them silence back -dash to the loo or to get a drink to help you starting off. A technique for passing it back to where it came from, them, that a counsellor gave my husband and me to deal with bitchy in-laws, was to give them a score...we ended up splitting it into two - a score out of 10 for their effort and then a separate score out of 10 for impact. To begin with impact was high but we noticed it quickly changed into a great game “ oooh, I’ll give her a 10/10 for effort with that comment, she really tried to go for the jugular...but actually only hit a a 4/10”, it was amazing how successful it was at making me feel ok that they were doing it. They’ve pretty much stopped as well now as they no longer get what they were looking for.

She is definitely being a bitch. She is drawing attention to the things you don’t like about your appearance in the guise of a compliment.

Imagine if she said:

“oh wow your face looks great, I see you’ve got rid of the facial hair and tweezed the dark ones out. Go you!!”

Or “Your bottom definitely looks more pert today, your Spanx are working overtime on your fat saggy arsecheeks for you, what a great buy!”

Or: “oh I love your dress, so clever when they have those panels to disguise a flabby stomach. You’ve got a great eye for clever fashion!”

All of the above start and end positive with a really nasty bit in the middle. Just the same as her comments and no one would think my examples were acceptable surely?!

Smile and reply:

'Thanks, I'm so pleased with this new shapewear. It's a shame they don't do it in your size as it works miracles'

I don’t necessarily think this is meant to be bitchy or unkind, it depends on her tone when she delivers her comments. I’ve got a teen who is socially awkward and had a significant language delay, she’s pretty poor at conducting small talk or engaging in two way conversations. She will pass comment on almost everything I buy, wear or do as a way of starting a conversation. I think because it’s something tangible and she doesn’t have to creat a topic. It does get bloody wearing sometimes but I appreciate her efforts to try and find a way to connect with people.

As irritating as some people can be, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt unless it’s clear malice in intended.

She's a bitch. She can't compliment you without saying, "But we know you're not naturally like that." The comments about the shapewear and the foundation cream are really awful.

Is she saying all this stuff in front of everyone? If so I would have a word with her in private and let her have it, both barrels

If I experienced a colleague like this, I would think she was using a compliment to be critical, thus: "Oh, you've plucked your eyebrows!" meaning "They certainly needed it". I wouldn't like that at all and I wouldn't do it to others. I try to stick to honest, transparent things like "Oh I love your skirt, where did you get it from?" or "Your perfume's divine, it smells great on you". That doesn't suggest that when the person isn't wearing perfume, they smell rank, so it's "safe".

Maybe she's on the autism spectrum? (ask her if she is when she comes out with the next "off" comment)
People with more empathy/social skills would simply say "your hair's nice" or "I like your hair colour"

I am autistic and would only offer up the latter kind of remark as it's safe and less likely to be taken the wrong way. I've had years of side eye and exchanging-look responses to innocent comments I've made (well-meant ones, I'm not a cowbag) so I am now very very careful what I say. It's a bloomin minefield out there. I wouldn't have thought OP's colleague was remotely spectrummy.

Is this an Eliza Doolittle thing and she is aiming to make you over - so offering her "encouragement" every time she sees a (to her) positive change?
Go in with you nails today and hold them up to her saying "do you like my nails?" - take back some control and get her comment over with!

Those aren’t compliments.

I don’t think the comments are technical.
I do think the shapewear comment is weird as fuck!!!!

I was going to suggest you quote Alice in Wonderland at her: "You should learn not to make personal remarks,' Alice said with some severity" - but actually the Hatter's personal remark was that Alice's hair wanted cutting and it sounds like your colleague would say "You've had your hair cut Alice! Looking good!" which I suppose is different. I don't know, it does sound very specific - I do tell people that I like their dress/ top/ hair, if I do, but I wouldn't be more specific than that.

Shes being a bitch.
The comments are all drawing attention to an issue thats finally being corrected today, in a way designed to convey "I see you've finally decided to actually try and sort that glaring issue!"

Its exactly the same as men saying "You should smile more, you look so pretty when you smile!"

It sounds like an attempt at under the radar bullying. I'd ask her not to comment on my appearance.

@TheWordmeister
I think she’s being bitchy and wrapping it in a ‘compliment’ to make herself look good

She could say, ‘your skin looks great’ without mentioning foundation and the shapewear comment is 100% cowbag

THIS^

Some v naive posters on here

Course she's being bitchy!

Make a note of the comments - who, where, when and what - and take it up with HR.

I do not want comments about my appearance - 'ooh, i like your boots/dress' or 'your hair looks nice' might be acceptable, but make-up, shapewear etc.isn't.

I have pointed out to colleagues in the past hat comments about my weight and a new very plain neutral t-shirt are not appropriate.
It isn't a compliment, it just means that they are looking at me.

Your colleague sounds bitchy.

that not hat

I know someone like this, makes very pointed compliments. I know this particular 'queen bee' doesn't like me from the things that have got back to me. I've had these compliments shouted across the playground. The most recent was a patronising ' that colour looks sooooooo good on your complexion!' She's made racist comments to my friends in the past, so I know exactly what she meant.

Your queen bee is insecure, and jealous. It's her way of putting you in your place. Ignore it and concentrate on work. If I was to counter, I would say something like ' You're soooooo observant! I don't know how you have the time to scrutinise everything'. If you can draw a contrast to the way she works then bonus. ie imply that you are surprised as she's not like that in her professional capacity. But that requires a level of bitchiness that I wouldn't be able to pull off when put on the spot. Don't tell her anything about yourself, where your polish is from etc. Let her wonder, and don't offer her your opinion in anything, she'll turn it against you..

Where and when she makes these comments might alter the intent a bit. If she makes them in the kitchen just in front of other women, it might be a cack-handed attempt at girlie camaraderie, especially if she's always been the office glamour puss and wants everyone to know she's still up on the latest beauty trends. I guess then you could fire back with, 'Thanks! It's my new mascara! You must tell me where you're going for your Botox/skin peels/liposuction, Kathy!' and see how she likes it.

But if she only makes them in front of a male audience, she is 100% being a cowbag.