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AIBU?

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Original poster

Re dropping BIL off at work

478 replies

twelveminutespast · 12/02/2020 18:45

Not sure if I'm being U here so I'm hoping for some opinions here.

Me and DH work on the same road. However it's a very long road and goes on for a few miles iyswim.

Before Christmas, BIL got a job on the same road, it's in the middle of mine and DH work place. DH one morning suddenly said to me BIL is going to get in with us, can you drop him off at work on the way.

I was miffed about this, as there are two ways to get to DH work. 1st way is very busy and have to go past numerous schools. I actively avoided going that way in the morning because it's an absolutely nightmare. However this is the only way we can go to get to BILs workplace. The other way we used to go took much less time, I could drop DH off and go back down the same route and still get to work on time.

I'm getting stressed every morning because the traffic is so horrendous going the first way in order to drop BIL off. He contributes nothing to petrol costs either. And I'm often late dropping my DS off at childcare before I start work.

I don't know how to approach this situation. aibu here?

OP posts:
Cloudyapples · 15/02/2020 12:32

He’s been at work all week boohoo you’ve also been at work, ferried them around AND looked after a small child - when do YOU get to relax in YOUR home?

Jux · 15/02/2020 12:33

Plonk a load of toys down between him and the tv and then sit with ds and play with them all, loudly. Preferably standing up a lot and getting right in the way. "This is my house, bil, and ds and I are playing." if he objects.

Morporkia · 15/02/2020 12:39

Do as your husband says and text BIL. Telling him he’s a CF and if he can’t even be civil enough to acknowledge you in your own home not to fucking bother coming round. Am raging on your behalf 💐

BreatheAndFocus · 15/02/2020 12:42

DH and BIL seem to be treating you more like a mummy-substitute than a wife. They both sound immature and self-centred. Your DH also sounds disinterested in his own DS and not at all invested in the family unit he has with you.

Neither of them respect you. They both sound like giant babies.

I don’t often say LTB, but I’d be having a careful think about it in this situation.

RandomMess · 15/02/2020 12:59

Text BIL and let him know that you and DH need time to work on your marriage so he needs to stay away for the foreseeable future Angry

Dyrne · 15/02/2020 13:04

He can’t choose to marry someone, have a child with them; and then decide that family life is tedious and boring and he can’t be arsed with it.

What a twat.

yellowkangaroo · 15/02/2020 13:05

I'm raging for you OP, it's your home too.

frazzledasarock · 15/02/2020 13:21

Can you ask your family to come over for several weekends in a row? See what he has to say to that.

Beautiful3 · 15/02/2020 13:28

Think I would start putting the tv on for something to watch, just to stop him from using it so freely. It would have to be a regular program and quite long. If he asks you to record your program say no, it's my tv! Go home if you dont like it!

DeepDarkWoods · 15/02/2020 13:30

Maybe it's time he needs to go back home with bil. You deserve better.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2020 13:40

Well, I guess you know where you stand in the pecking order.

At this point the two of them are having a joint pity party about "who does she think she is", "thinks she can boss 'the men' around", "don't let her tell you what to do" etc etc.

I think you need to take a good long look at your marriage. Are you being treated as an equal partner or are you really a second class citizen? And more importantly, if your H isn't willing to listen and compromise is this really the way you want to live the next 30-40-50 years of your life?

greenkit · 15/02/2020 13:52

Where does BIL live?
Doesn't he have a life outside his brother and your home?

I would seriously consider reavaluating your relationship with your 'D'H

lottiegarbanzo · 15/02/2020 14:01

Well it sounds like you've got to the nub of it. Does your DH want to spend time doing things as a couple and a family with you and your DC at all? Or is his vision of domestic life one where the man comes home on a Friday and slumps in front of a TV drinking beer for the entire weekend, while the woman looks after children and home (regardless of how hard she's worked, in or out of the home, all week)?

Did the two of you choose to settle down and have a child together? Or did that just happen?

I'm wondering whether it's a case of him feeling trapped in a prematurely grown-up life he doesn't feel he chose, or, whether he's just immature and hasn't put 2 + 2 together and recognised what the consequences of marriage and fatherhood really are. The latter is more salveagable because it isn't based on resentment but, he'd have to want to salvage things.

Maighdeann · 15/02/2020 14:06

I'd cancel the Virgin deal but I am in a very bad mood.

TheMaddHugger · 15/02/2020 14:06

I am curious about the history and lead up to how this situation came about. this CFuckery of your not so dear H and Bil didn't happen out of the blue🌺

Quartz2208 · 15/02/2020 14:08

How is the rest of your relationship - because the fact that he expected you (and his son) to go out of your way for him spoke volumes. That and the fact he expects his brother to come and go as he pleases is not a good sign.

This is not how a relationship is suppose to be

Friendsofmine · 15/02/2020 15:22

I think this shows that DH is not happy in your marriage. Brother in law is not the issue at all but rather, the fact your husband doesn't see this as an issue that the team of 2 needs to discuss and deal with together is a symptom of how your relationship has deteriorated over time.

What have you both been doing to stay emotionally connected and tuned in as a couple? (Not just two people living together in the business of raising kids).

How long has he (or both of you) been tuned out of the couple?

Don't feel you need to answer, just sharing my thoughts about what might be underneath this issue.

KatharinaRosalie · 15/02/2020 15:46

H said he's been at work all week and wants to come and relax

whereas you want to come home after working all week, and watch him and his family relaxing on your sofa, right?

billy1966 · 15/02/2020 16:16

You poor women to be treated so badly in your own home.

Sorry OP, but it's very clear that your husband values his brother's time, comfort and company much higher than yours.

The cheek of him.

I would be sending them both home to their mother's and having a good hard think.

They both sound like complete wasters.

You deserve better Flowers

MulticolourMophead · 15/02/2020 16:33

So sorry, OP. It really does look like he's not really into the marriage here, and prioritising his DB above you and your DC. Thanks

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2020 17:29

So he’d rather spend time with his family but not you and your ds? And how is it your problem that his stupid brother has come in and taken the remote? I think things need to change, big time!

Jux · 15/02/2020 17:53

Wander in, take the remote and change the channel murmuring "oh I don't want to watch this....."

If he complains, ask him whose home it is?

Jux · 15/02/2020 17:57

Also, ask your h "when do ^I get to relax then?"

Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/02/2020 18:12

Shoxfordian

Tell bil that you can't give him a lift anymore because it's making you late for work

THIS, obviously

erniepigy · 15/02/2020 18:16

Find the closest place that is convenient for you and where you can drop him saying you’ve had comments at work being late so this is the best you can do.
Tell everyone beforehand that this is the plan from next Monday

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