Re dropping BIL off at work

[twelveminutespast]

Not sure if I'm being U here so I'm hoping for some opinions here.

Me and DH work on the same road. However it's a very long road and goes on for a few miles iyswim.

Before Christmas, BIL got a job on the same road, it's in the middle of mine and DH work place. DH one morning suddenly said to me BIL is going to get in with us, can you drop him off at work on the way.

I was miffed about this, as there are two ways to get to DH work. 1st way is very busy and have to go past numerous schools. I actively avoided going that way in the morning because it's an absolutely nightmare. However this is the only way we can go to get to BILs workplace. The other way we used to go took much less time, I could drop DH off and go back down the same route and still get to work on time.

I'm getting stressed every morning because the traffic is so horrendous going the first way in order to drop BIL off. He contributes nothing to petrol costs either. And I'm often late dropping my DS off at childcare before I start work.

I don't know how to approach this situation. aibu here?

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

@twelveminutespast - how have things been this week for you? Are you back to giving them lifts or have they found alternative ways to get to their places of employment? How are things with you generally?

[Tinkerbell1980]

How are things now OP?

[Blahblahblah12345]

How are things op?

[Tistheseason17]

... or you listen to the OP and appreciate that she has tried all of the things suggested and you look to make a better life for your child without them witnessing their mum being disrespected and having arguments as a daily occurance.

I'd give it one last shot if I was OP and if no long term change then he needs to cock lodge somewhere else with his brother

[CallmeAngelina]

Lack of respect for a partner is a very valid excuse to end a relationship.
But you can work on that - by re-establishing boundaries.

How do you talk with someone who refuses to talk then?
You don't. You step back, give each other some space and come back to it when you've both calmed down a bit.

[ChristmasCarcass]

It’s the overall tone of contempt, and the stonewalling. DH has pissed me off plenty of times over the past 20-odd years, but he’s never spoken to me like I’m shit on his shoe, or implied that me and DS were just irritating obstacles getting in the way of his “proper” life.

[oldfashionedtastingtea]

How do you talk with someone who refuses to talk then?

But you don't end a bloody marriage (or long-term relationship with a child) because of that!

Lack of respect for a partner is a very valid excuse to end a relationship.

[CallmeAngelina]

At the moment, yes. But you don't end a bloody marriage (or long-term relationship with a child) because of that!
My dh and I have had various stand-offs over the years where I could have swung for him with a shovel and buried him under the patio. And vice versa.
But you get over these things, talk (eventually) and make up and move on.
And we're about to clock up 25 years of marriage.

[ChristmasCarcass]

Callme, she tried that, when she said BIL was being rude to her, he told her he’d been at work all week and needed to relax with his brother in front of the football, and to stop nagging. “Couldn’t see the problem” with BIL making her late for work and putting her job at risk. Then refollowed some woman who had previously caused trouble in the relationship, to put OP back in her place.

Not the actions of somebody who wants to work things out collaboratively. More the actions of somebody who wants little wifey to shut up and get on with her (wife)work.

[oldfashionedtastingtea]

CallmeAngelina

That is what the husband is refusing to do, to talk things through as an adult. That's the whole problem.

[CallmeAngelina]

I'd pack his stuff and change the locks.

I'm not sure your marriage is salvable tbh

Blimey! No wonder the divorce statistics are so high these days.
Look, this guy's being a dick, but whatever happened to talking things through and making him agree with you finding a compromise?

[oldfashionedtastingtea]

I'm not sure your marriage is salvable tbh. I see no respect for you at all.

[BigChocFrenzy]

Minimum: Anyone from either family who visits must be polite to everyone in the household

It's unacceptable for BIL to be so rude to the OP whenever he visits

[BigChocFrenzy]

Big problem is the DH refollowing a woman who caused problems for them a couple of years ago

Is this just punishment for not giving them lifts, to warn the OP she has to knuckle under ?

Or an escape to carefree single days before adult responsibilites of marriage & home ?

Either would be a red flag

[Jux]

Tell MIL that you need a break from both her sons, that you're really sorry, but need her help in keepingBIL away from your home, and possibly h too.

Tell h that his actions are making you re-evaluate everything and ask him to go back to his mum's for a short time - a couple of weeks.

That gives you both some breathing space.

[fedup21]

I think at some point you need to sit down with him and talk about it all - if he’s unhappy and just wants to ‘relax’ with his bro at the weekends rather than spend any meaningful time with you and DS then there is a clear problem

Definitely. His behaviour is telling you something is very wrong-you need to find out what.

[Justacouplemorethen]

I think at some point you need to sit down with him and talk about it all - if he’s unhappy and just wants to ‘relax’ with his bro at the weekends rather than spend any meaningful time with you and DS then there is a clear problem. He needs to explain what’s going on- maybe he is very unhappy with work / life etc and if so, you both need to talk about it and how it can be improved. You need to tell him how you feel too and how you can be happier too. and tell him that if he is going to start contacting that other woman that is a deal breaker.
My DH can get a bit lazy esp when he is stressed from work and will happily spend a whole weekend watching sport and not engaging if I let him. I either take DS out for the day to get away from him or organise for us all to do something together. Maybe you could give him a few hours on a weekend to watch sport with his bro but also organise a trip out somewhere the three of you and get him out and about with you; spend some time together (after you’ve both cooled down) so you can reconnect. Book regular time out with your friends on a weekend so he has DS and has to spend time with him. If that doesn’t work / he won’t join in then you have a more serious problem. Relationships go up and down esp when someone is unhappy or stressed but you both need to be willing to try to improve it. Having BIL around all the time isn’t helping - maybe make sure he can only come around for one afternoon a week or some other limit so it’s a compromise? Good luck! Xx

[Tistheseason17]

I'd pack his stuff and change the locks. Sorry, he's an immature arse.

[TorkTorkBam]

Sounds like he was not ready / will never be ready to have children and become a family man. He is a big teenager. Maybe he liked having no mum bossing him but did like having a mum, you, to take care of him and let him watch TV all weekend. Now you refuse to compensate for his immaturity he is looking for a new gf. Because he's mentally about 14

[Maighdeann]

Well he's definitely on the bus from now on then. He's a walking cliche

[Jack80]

I would say I can drop you at my work or your brothers and that's it as it's making me late for work taking you. Sorry

[Blahblahblah12345]

How long have you been married? If there are. Lot of problems maybe counselling?

[user1484]

How was he planning to get to work when he accepted the offer?

Do you also pick him up from his house?

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

💐

[Mummyoflittledragon]

twelveminutes
I’ve only just picked up your thread. I’m so sorry how this is all panning out for you. His following this woman is perhaps to get a reaction from you. Or maybe because he has decided he no longer has to be best behaviour for you (mummy). My dh is also a man child.

TheMaddHugger
Interesting article. I’ve had a lot of issues with my dh since having dd. And yes, it was fine until we had a child. It seems to me as though he never had to take responsibility for his actions as a child. I have mentioned this to him and he hates it. It’s impossible to discuss such things because it’s a direct criticism of his parents apparently... rather than a conversation of how to do better as parents. 🙄