Re dropping BIL off at work

[twelveminutespast]

Not sure if I'm being U here so I'm hoping for some opinions here.

Me and DH work on the same road. However it's a very long road and goes on for a few miles iyswim.

Before Christmas, BIL got a job on the same road, it's in the middle of mine and DH work place. DH one morning suddenly said to me BIL is going to get in with us, can you drop him off at work on the way.

I was miffed about this, as there are two ways to get to DH work. 1st way is very busy and have to go past numerous schools. I actively avoided going that way in the morning because it's an absolutely nightmare. However this is the only way we can go to get to BILs workplace. The other way we used to go took much less time, I could drop DH off and go back down the same route and still get to work on time.

I'm getting stressed every morning because the traffic is so horrendous going the first way in order to drop BIL off. He contributes nothing to petrol costs either. And I'm often late dropping my DS off at childcare before I start work.

I don't know how to approach this situation. aibu here?

And how is that different than what she did?

I have to say @twelveminutespast. You’ve done good. You should be incredibly proud of yourself!!! If you were my friend I’d be taking you out to say well done!!! You stuck up for yourself. Honestly girl. You did good!!!

My husband used to go to work at 5.30. Have a train journey that was 2.5 hrs. Then work a full day. Come home 2.5 hours and if I asked for the car. That added a 8 mile walk to and from the station! So if he can do it. Anyone can.

@StepAwayFromGoogle

Yes, but the compromise was offered after the OP had already decided her car was full and told DH and BIL they couldn't have a lift the following day.

OP had no space in her car for BIL. What was she supposed to do,’magically make room for him?

She didn’t ‘decide’ her car was full, it was just full. What’s your agenda here?

I think the BIL has found your post OP.

@StepAwayFromGoogle I thought OP said that she had done something like that and her husband 'didn't get it'. He and the BIL then hadn't helped by being sulky.

@StepAwayFromGoogle read the op's posts. She offered compromise, the lazy fucker BIL didn't want to walk 15 mins from her Dh workplace to his. So should she continue being stressed in the mornings having to get her Dh and bil to work and her Ds to nursery, making her late for work, in order to appease this fucking manchild? Of course she shouldn't. They cannot even act like adults and be grateful for the lifts they get, cannot see past their own noses and what suits them. Op was not put on this earth to pander to her pathetic bil.

I've calmed down a bit now to update from last night.

Told H that I wasn't happy that BIL felt it was okay to come into my house without even acknowledging me when I said hello, proceeded to sit on MY couch and watch MY TV. To be honest he had nothing to say to this. He told me to get the situation go. I said I had let the situation go re giving lifts that's why I was friendly and greeted him as normal. I said it seemed like BIL was being hostile. Anyway, H said that if I had a problem then I should text BIL. I said no, he's your problem not mine. H said I make a mountain of a molehill.

Anyway, it escalated quickly H said I moan for nothing, I whinge too much, am confrontational. I said no that's not the case at all. I said I'm getting a bit fed up of the same every weekend - ILs turning up unannounced when sometimes I'm not in the mood for visitors and just want to spend time as a family, the 3 of us. I don't want to feel like I can't sit in my own front room and relax because BIL is here every weekend watching the football. H said he's been at work all week and wants to come and relax, not do stuff that he doesn't want to do. I asked him what I meant by this as all I said was that I wanted to do things with me, him and DS. Was he saying that he didn't want to spend time with his family? He also said "who cares if I'm happy". That really hurt me, not once did he mention my happiness or what's best for DS.

I hope this makes sense and isn't jumbled. I'm just a bit pissed off. Feeling like what have I done to end up with somebody so selfish? Currently taking the time reevaluating everything right now.

Should mention there was other things said but that was the general gist of the conversation

Your H sounds like an immature man child, how dare he put his loser brother before his wife and child?

OP, how would he feel if your family turned up every weekend?

@Poohpooh He'd hate it.

I know it gets bandied about a lot on here but I’m edging towards LTB here - he’s making it very clear that you’re not even on his list of priorities, let alone at the bottom of it! Do you have any family of friends nearby that you and your DS could go to for a few days to get some space to evaluate? I couldn’t stay with a man who’d rather watch football with his BIL who is openly sneering to his wife than spend time his wife and son. You’ve mentioned that you’re quite young, do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

H said he's been at work all week and wants to come and relax, not do stuff that he doesn't want to do.

I don’t see why BIL has to be in your house though?

How long have you two been together and how long has this been a problem?

I can’t imagine things have all been brilliant until last week-has this been brewing for some time?

Does the BIL live at home still?

I bet you want to come home and relax after a week at work too. Hence not wanting visitors.

Sounds like he rates his own comfort significantly higher than yours.

Ban the BIL this weekend.

And I’m guessing there are things that he moans and whinges about but it’s not moaning and whinging when he does it?

Also, calling you confrontational is code for your are not ‘putting up and shutting up’.

Next he’ll be telling you you have an ‘attitude problem’.

Why is he more concerned about his brother relaxing after a wk at work than you? Why are you not allowed to relax in your own front room watching your own tv instead of having an entitled arsehole who ignores you loafing around. Why not get rid of Virgin for a bit, see where his priorities lie.

Bottom line is he's more concerned about his brother than he is about your family. Fuck that. Please don't let Bil come round tonight.

I'd conspire with some close family members to come over and plonk themselves on the sofa on weekends. Particularly when BIL is over. See how much DH and BIL like that!

Have you got any family or friends that could descend next Saturday and watch TV together? Maybe they could come a few Saturdays in a row. They don't have to stay long, just long enough to make the point. I'd watch Downton abbey reruns!

Your husband could look after your son and make you drinks whilst you watch TV.

Or vacuum the lounge on a Saturday during sport?

It sounds as though your BIL is making your home his second home. Your husband doesn't seem to think this is in any way wrong, I think this is where your problem lies.

Bottom line - I wouldn't want to be with someone who treated me and our child like this.

I'd do as PP suggested and cancel Virgin. Your BIL is a fully grown man who can pay for his own football subscription.

Sounds like your DH and BIL want to live together but unfortunately need you to pay for stuff and drive them around!

Do you earn more than them?

I'd conspire with some close family members to come over and plonk themselves on the sofa on weekends. Particularly when BIL is over. See how much DH and BIL like that!

I think this would make your point very nicely!

Honestly the relationships are all breaking down.
I would message BIL now and let fucking loose.
Tell him he needs to leave right now.
How dare he be so rude to you in your own house.
That he is never to come near your house again without an invite. That your Tv is off limits to him and that you will never be giving him a lift in your car again.

Sounds crap, can u invite your family over or friends, or just get the devut and watch films with your little one, surely he wudnt come and switch over the football, if that happens then you've got a problem but a husband problem. They sound selfish and childish and boring. Where's your family time. Better off on your own and least you can shut the door and plan your own weekends.

When family members get on together, then it's lovely to have frequent meetups - provided it is not always at one house and also that there is also enough time for the nucear family

However, it's not acceptable to enter someone's home and to be so rude to one person living there.

Your DH should have your back on this
A weekly visit at most, only by arrangement and only if his brother is sociable to everyone, not just him.

As it is, your BIl should be banned, except on special occasions when you invite all the wider family

Tell him you want to watch Click - it starts at 12.30 on the BBC News channel (231 on my set). It'll overlap the start of all those sport programmes and that might be enough to move him.

Let him make or fetch his own drinks, don't offer food. If he asks for a drink or food tell him to help himself. When he goes to the kitchen, sit on your own sofa, grab your remote and switch over.