SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

[Nik101]

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

Could you have a gentle talk with her and explain that it's a lovely idea, but you're worried how she would feel to then live with a perfect little girl's room that's empty most of the time?

That's the other thing with barren women @MitziK - not only are they hellbent on childsnatching, the poor addled little souls don't even know their own minds.

So it's not interfering, patronising or cruel to make their minds up for them, tell them what they ought to think, or create barriers between them & their own nieces.

It's for their own good really, Because parturition conveys psychic powers, & the right to inform other women what their choices around children ought to be.

The fact that she's already a bit overbearing, telling you what your daughter likes etc is a red flag. I think you need to manage the expectations of your SIL and DD. If there is an amazing room there, you could be made to feel selfish if you didn't let your daughter stay more often, and so on. I would not agree to this offer. You can be kind but firm. Say thanks but no, by all means DD can stay over occasionally, but I don't want her to be overindulged, the 'spare room' will do just fine. It sounds like this is your gut feeling, don't ignore it.

What a load of waffle.

You are right children are not stupid.

My eldest had a room at my parent's house for years but he always knew the difference between there and his home.

If he ever became unwell or upset he would ask to go home. To his mummy and daddy.

You are projecting, Warmfire.

A guest room that DD can help decorate would be nice (as long as her choices weren't hideous hah) but I would find it a bit much. I don't think anything untoward is behind it, but it seems unnecessary and like it could be a case of she can stay more often and you feel obliged.

The fact that she's already a bit overbearing, telling you what your daughter likes etc is a red flag. I think you need to manage the expectations of your SIL and DD. If there is an amazing room there, you could be made to feel selfish if you didn't let your daughter stay more often, and so on. I would not agree to this offer. You can be kind but firm. Say thanks but no, by all means DD can stay over occasionally, but I don't want her to be overindulged, the 'spare room' will do just fine. It sounds like this is your gut feeling, don't ignore it.

That was well put. This is one the best pieces of advice OP. Your gut is telling you something important. And it doesn’t make you a monster for following it. Nor does it make your SIL a monster, which neither you or any posters have implied.

It’s okay to say No to this and don’t let anyone bully you into feeling otherwise.

What a disheartening thread. How dare someone who is struggling to have their own children dote on their niece? The cheek of it.

No I would find that a bit weird if she didn't stay over already as part of a regular wider family shared childcare arrangement. If they do have a baby she will be dropped like a ton of bricks.

I would tell her to spend the money on a lovely boutique hotel guest room that everyone including your dd can have the benefit of. She will not be 4 for ever - it's a waste of money- and weird.

Missing the point but why do 2 people need a 4 bed house - what's happening with the other 3 rooms?

at my parent's house I think the clue is in your line here. Your parents, which you were clearly happy about, which are your family, not in laws, and which was with your complete consent. However if you’d had parents who were quite bossy and overbearing, who told you what your kids liked, and who went ahead wanting a bedroom for your kids despite them never staying there, then surely you’d want to feel that if you weren’t happy, you could say no! And that your kids wouldn’t be then fe feeling conflicted.

I wouldn’t have allowed it. I wouldn’t let her stay over either. She’s not a toy.
She’s your child.
Soon they’ll be taking her on days out, buying clothes, buying better toys than you.
Just no.

@messolini9, I have more loving aunts than you can imagine, we are a very big tightly knit huge family. I had lovely childhood where my cousins and I spent so many nights at each other houses we are more siblings than cousins. I have a spare room because I love to have people around but the main difference here is that the OP is already finding the ILS overbearing, so this is likely to develop into the kind of scenario that I described, where a child is made to feel guilty and ungrateful if they do not comply with the expectations of other over invested relatives in their lives.

... besides, as close as we were to our aunts, we never had a dedicated bedroom on houses other than our own. It didn’t kill us, we felt welcomed anyway.

Also, if people bothered to read the OP's original post properly, it's pretty clear that the SIL is VERY overbearing.

I did.
It's pretty clear OP actually said "a little overbearing ... at times".

Alarm bells galore... It's sad that the SIL has not managed to conceive yet, but trying to take over someone else's child is really not the answer... I would be limiting the amount of times she sees my daughter if I were you

"No DD, you can't see Aunty, she might try to take you over"
Do you think SiL is some kind of alien life-force, @Shinycat?

Letting your daughter have a relationship with her aunt is lovely, letting her stay over would be fine, but having her own room just for her in a house that she doesn't live in is really weird.

she could try fostering or adoption or other means at having her own biological children

Please don't ever say this to a woman having fertility problems.

It's a lovely offer from the best of intentions, but no sodding way.

Thin end of the wedge.

you are projecting, Warmfire no I don’t think so. My child has a bedroom at my parents, which is totally fine. My child being bombarded with gifts from my SIL and wanting my child without me ever being present - totally not fine. Even my child started to pick up and asked why her auntie was always buying stuff and hugging her? She’s picked up already that SIL is projecting onto her.

This little girl is not her daughter.

Well done @Shinycat.
The word you are reaching for is "niece".
I suspect SiL already knows that, despite your struggle to comprehend it.

where a child is made to feel guilty and ungrateful if they do not comply with the expectations of other over invested relatives in their lives.

I’d totally agree with this.

I think if OP doesn’t say no, any relationship with auntie and DD may not happen in future as I can foresee a fall out, SIL is perhaps unaware of stepping over a line but she has. However if OP is strong enough to both out up boundaries, and also protect her DD from feeling emotionally blackmailed, albeit unintentionally, to be ‘close’ to her aunt, if she gives her DD room to breath. Then perhaps in the future there really could be a great relationship between them.

Shinycat If BOTH parents are not happy with it, then that's NOT good enough. That wasn't what you said though was IT. ISN'T IT FUN PLAYING WITH CAPITALS. I guess you never heard of people, even parents, compromising? I guess that doesn't work with CAPITALS.

Just suggest a compromise! An ottoman with her own special duvet and a toy cupboard/dolls house.

I would just say it will be confusing for her if eg they give her a room now but then later have to take it away because they need it for something else

I think it's lovely. How nice for your daughter that her auntie loves her so much. You will always be her mum even if she has a room at sils!

warmfirechocolate, I hear you. Boy do I hear you. I had a stepsister like your SIL. She poured poison into my children's ears while constantly supplying them with gifts and treats, buying my children's affections. She had one young child but was unable to have more. Like the OP's SIL she would tell me what, in her opinion, my children liked and wanted. Very insidious.

I was highly uncomfortable with this behaviour from the beginning but too polite, a little unable to quite put my finger on what my concerns were, too concerned about the ripple effect with wider family to call her out on it. When matters finally reached the head she exploded with fury. It all got very nasty, to the extent that I moved 200 miles to get away from her.

If your gut feeling is telling you something is not right here it's worth listening to and you will never, ever be wrong for declining sister-in-law's offer with a simple 'no I'd rather you didn't thank you'. Take back control and be unequivocal.

Nik101, Don't make the mistake I did of allowing it to go on so long unchecked. That's when the shit really hits the fan and you end up with major problems.

I forgot to add, that far from having a problem with extended families and their involvement in general, I am one of the lucky ones who has the most wonderful aunt who I love dearly. However there is a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon between the personalities and intentions of my own wonderful aunt and my children's aunt.