SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

[Nik101]

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

Only you know your SIL and her personality.
Does it seem typical of her personality to offer dd a room? If so them no harm if you are happy with that but of course its your prerogative to say no.

They are not "using" her, they simply want to spend time with her.
No I would totally disagree with this. Boundaries are so so important for good secure childhoods.

If they simply wanted to spend time with her they would be respectful of mum and would have a fair idea of how relationships need to grow, not be forced. Even family. SIL is overstepping that and does not seem to care if she is overriding the mum. That’s a critically important boundary that she is breaking.

Something as MASSIVE as a child staying very regularly and having their own room in another house can only be done by asking the parents first and crucially, being okay if the parents said no.

If SIL is truly only being kind, and truly only wanting time with her niece and being respectful of the mum, the she will not mind at all if the mum says no to a bedroom.

She will respect that and be graceful.

If she does not, the OPs instincts will have been spot on.

So OP, tell her No. I strongly feel that you need to protect your daughter and yourself here. If SIL is fine with it, that’s a totally positive sign. If she isn’t, steer clear in future she will ride rough shod all over you both.

In my family I would find this incredibly overbearing and odd, my sister is unfortunately infertile she wouldn’t be recreating bedrooms for my kids at her house and if she did I would find it odd. She has a lovely spare room that the kids stay in if they go for a sleepover.

It’s all about the dynamics, would your SIL defer to you in parenting? Would she respect you? Would she want unreasonable amounts of sleepovers thinking your DD is hers? Lots of variables before I can decide.

I would say with the info given she is being overbearing and I wouldn’t be fully okay, maybe I still some boundaries and ground rules now, to sort of manage her expectations as such. ‘Oh a whole room for only a couple of visits a year seems wasteful’ or something like that?

The things that stand out for me:

She has a 5 bed room house, and no kids i.e. 4 guest rooms. Putting one aside for OP's dd to use isn't exactly a big deal, it'd just another room gathering dust that she doesn't use.

She asked. She didn't go ahead and present it to you fait accompli. This suggests to me she is aware of boundaries and doesn't want to step on your toes.

I'd be happy with the arrangement.

Your her mum. You will always be irreplaceable. She cant compete with you. So dont stress about her taking over. A lovely auntie wanting to spend time with and space for your dd can only be a good thing. Let her be surrounded by extended family who love her and want to be there for her. It will enrich her life and can only be a good thing. Love her enough to share her. It's not a competition. She is a lucky little girl to have an caring aunt. I think a bedroom and her house sounds so nice. How good for you dd to be so wanted by her. Dont get in the way of their relationship. Let them be close. It doesnt take away from your relationship.

My sister did this for my daughter, they were in a similar position. also I do think that you have a stronger relationship usually with your own family, so with your own sister you already have a worked out relationship.

With a SIL, there is too much potential for pulling the child away from the ‘outsider’, the mother. Especially if MIL is similar.

Thank you @opticaldelusion, I feel I've slipped into a parallel universe where women who have not achieved parturition are hellbent on stealing kids, & have no purpose in life but to lurk around other people's kids, wanting nothing in life but a chance to pounce & enact their sinister ulterior motives.

Some really fucking nasty territorial posturing going on in a few places upthread. Can an aunt not just be a nice aunt, who loves her niece?

Whereas interested Aunts and Uncles don’t get to adapt as gradually, or the relief pay off and it just becomes a sudden rejection causing all kinds of waves.

Oh bullshit, @DC3dilemma.
Just because your friend's relatives were a bit clueless about child development, don't assume that other childless people are.

After all, many people who have managed to have their own kids are pretty hopeless about raising them ...

A lovely auntie wanting to spend time with and space for your dd can only be a good thing.
No not if you’ve read my post! My SIL poured poison into my child’s ear and nearly destroyed my relationship with DH! She was even suggesting that I was mentally ill and needed help, all the while giving my child presents and pouring love into her as if she was her own child...

And I started off by thinking her involvement was benign and loving.

SIL still doesn’t speak to me or acknowledge me in any way. All I’ve done is get back with DH which has meant she can’t fulfil her dream of being a mum to my child. It actually scares me now how close I came to having her take over as second mum without me even realising it was happening!

It would be putting psychological pressure on her to think of her aunties home as her home as much as yours, and to think of auntie as more a parent.

Would it? Or is that a pretty big exaggeration?

She will know the difference between home and aunties' house.

Having a room there doesn't make it her home.

@messolini9 You sound weirdly angry. And rather upset. Why is that?

Parallel universe time again.
...play it tactically and say you'd rather they spend the money on her with experiences like horse riding or something else maybe you can't afford?

"No, she's MY toy, & I don't want to share, so if you want to play with her, you have to pay for an expensive hobby."

I think it’s a bit too much
A nice guest room that anyone could use is different to a dedicated room for a young child thst isn’t yours and who has never even stayed overnight with you.

I don’t doubt she is coming from a good place but I entirely understand your reservations @Nik101

That's so sweet and beautiful of your SIL! She's sounds like a wonderful person to have in your family! Your daughter is so lucky to have her! :)

They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened another alarm bell!

My SIL also no children.

I don’t think anyone is saying be horrible to SIL and say she can never see DD ever again.

I do think that it’s quite a territorial thing, literally, that SIL is doing. She’s putting a bedroom in for your child, as if the child were her own. Without intending to perhaps, not saying it’s malicious at all. People who are over bearing need keeping in check as you don’t want problems down the road and it is a burden for your DD as it sets up such a massive expectation for her. I’d feel very indebted to a relation who set up a bedroom for me, and I’d feel quite conflicted unless it was very clear that it had happened naturally, respectfully, and organically like with a grandparent.

If she has been trying to conceive for 5 years and it's not happening, then it's very likely that, in the nicest possible way, she may be thinking somewhat irrationally. Your thinking can understandably become quite obsessive in those circumstances and you can appreciate why she would want to have a child in her life. Does she have other nieces and nephews as well, or is it just your child she has taken a shine to?
It must be sad for her to feel that she's rattling around in a big house with all those empty bedrooms, so making one room for your daughter could also be her way of justifying it.
But bearing all that in mind, I do think it will be nice for your daughter to have a loving extended family.
Why don't you do something really radical and ask your SIL about how she is feeling and as gently as you can, find out what she hopes to get out of the arrangement. Try and manage her expectations and set any boundaries that you feel comfortable with.
I agree that it's a bit over the top for her to dedicate a room for your daughter if she is only going to use it one night a month, so perhaps you could suggest a compromise such as getting your daughter a special duvet cover or a few other personal bits and pieces.

If that's the case you should have left the thread a while ago, Shiny.

@TheMotherofAllDilemmas - your MiL & SiL are batshit, & I'm sorry you had such a protracted & dreadful experience.

But please take a moment to breathe ... & appreciate that many aunts are just that - good aunts. Read some of the PP's own aunt experiences on here, & the experiences, bonding, love & support they felt as children.

Just because this poor aunt cannot conceive, some PP's are painting her as a dangerous monster. That is so unfair, cruel & ignorant.

Territorial mumsnet. Biological mothers are the only women allowed in a child's life. Any other woman who wants to be involved is a weirdo who's disrespecting the womb. How dare a woman who can't have kids try to show some interest in her own niece. She's a BABYSNATCHER

Dear me, calm down, love. I know you’re being dramatic for effect!

I think I’d say no, too. Your dd might not like staying over, you might not want her staying and she’s your child, no one has the right to tell you she has to spend time away from you.

Having a room there doesn't make it her home. but that is exactly the intent behind a bedroom, and children are not stupid. She will feel like she is supposed to feel at home with SIL, and yet she’s never spent overnights there yet.

Children have very clear loyalties, more so than adults, they need it to know who to trust, who are their authority figures etc.

It’s just way too big a step when DD and her relationship with her auntie is not at that stage at all yet. It will put pressure on DD to feel that she must be close to auntie without that growing organically and on both sides, and including mum.

It's something you cannot really turn down.

I would just say fine but I cannot guarantee how often she will get there etc

We have a big house, and near the beach, and I was going to decorate a couple of rooms in kids styles for when ppl come to stay with their kids, mostly my sister and nieces and nephew, so I dont see the issue really. Maybe it's different because the parents would be staying too, but I think it's a nice thing.

My ex mil went to great effort and expense to get loads of stuff in for when my DD stayed (first grandchild) and she hardly ever did. She's calmed down a bit now but there's not much harm in it and its nice for kids to have good relationships with extended family and to feel loved and wanted.

@OlaEliza having generic rooms for kids sounds lovely though, and very unpressurised. I think it’s different to the OPs situation.