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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:

Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/02/2020 15:52

@mantarays stop being silly. My DS has a stepmother and she does not have any parental responsibilities towards him whatsoever. I expect her to be nice to him, treat him kindly and make him feel welcome in their house. I do not expect her to act like his parent and love him like her own child. Because he isn't her child.

IanSomerhalderIsAGod · 12/02/2020 15:52

Yanbu
I have days out with each of my children alone as does dh and they're both ours.
It's really good to have that 1-1 time. Especially if the poor thing is having a rough time at school!

IanSomerhalderIsAGod · 12/02/2020 15:53

He can have a lads day out with the boys at the same time your having a girls day!

Dillydallyingthrough · 12/02/2020 15:53

YANBU at all. My ex had DC and I really loved them (still see them now and take them on days out) however I was very clear with my ex that my DD wouldn't lose out by being in a 'blended family' - we've always had days out alone and that continued throughout our relationship as well as days with all the kids.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 12/02/2020 15:54

It's perfectly fine. I used to take my boys on holiday, one at a time, whilst the other spent time at his dads or my parents when I was single. Gave us more one on one time.

When I got together with my now dh, he used to take his girls and the following year, his boys. We tried a joint holiday once. Complete disaster as mine don't like his much and vice versa.

I still take my youngest (19) out for a day out, every now and again and DH goes down to visit his for a weekend. We're going down south on my birthday to visit my eldest and his partner.

We rarely do things all together as a family, apart from weddings etc. We're just not that blended and everyone still gets on fine. Possibly the logistics don't help as he has 4 and I have 2. Which is why we waited until most had grown up with lives of their own until we married.

There is no law (apart from the Mumsnet first wives club) that says everything has to be perfectly equal. Life isn't equal. Personally I think stepkids have it brilliantly with two sets of parents. Double presents, double Xmas, double holidays.

TheFastandTheCurious · 12/02/2020 15:54

just thinking of two boys who live with a woman so very insistent that they aren’t her children

Can you please point out where OP has said?

Berrymuch · 12/02/2020 15:54

I think it's a lovely idea to be honest, as you say, you have paid off some debt which benefits the family, and it's not unusual for mums to take their daughters out for the day without brothers anyway. The fact that you might spend a bit of money on her, and would be happy for your husband to do the same with his sons if he wanted to isn't an issue. Maybe buy everyone a takeaway or something as a family if any money left, but enjoy. As a stepmum you can't win- you're either too involved or not involved enough it seems.

YgritteSnow · 12/02/2020 15:54

This kind of thing is why I will remain single till my children are adults. I'd be furious and resentful if someone told me I couldn't do something with my own child because it wasn't fair on my step children.

I've two children, both teens. One is home educated as he has additional needs. On the surface he looks as though he gets loads of treats, we go to the cinema during the day as it's quiet and cheap Monday - Wednesday. We go to museums and day trips. My younger child totally gets it and gets taken out for days out with me on her own too. My eldest goes to family overnight so I can totally focus on her and she gets so spoiled. I think it's really silly to say all treats and fun have to be exactly the same. A really good way to introduce and breed resentment in blended families too.

FamBae · 12/02/2020 15:54

I don't think your being unreasonable to want to have a girls day out with your daughter, as you say even if the boys were yours you would still want to have some mother daughter time. I think where you went wrong was by stating that you wanted to spend your compensation money on her, I know it doesn't make much difference but I guess it does to your DH. Maybe you could compromise and buy the boys a new computer game each for example or have a family meal out and have your mum & daughter day out but with a couple less treats.

SunshineAngel · 12/02/2020 15:55

@Fetchit Hun, don't worry about more about this. People hate stepmothers on here. I don't know why. It's a bloody hard job.

It sounds like you're a great stepparent to the boys. The fact that you're covering the cost of the family holiday with your compensation shows this - that is a selfless way to spend your money, and being willing to pay for a holiday for the family which includes two children that aren't yours is wonderful. Trust me, not all stepparents are this selfless or generous.

I don't think people are thinking about your daughter in any of this, as people on here seem to fixate on the step kids and nothing more. I think a lot of people have an image of us wicked stepparents locking the step kids in the basement and going out spending all their dad's money that should be theirs, not doing anything for them, etc. That is not the case!

And you're quite right! When you're on about spending money, OF COURSE it should be shared between all of the children, yet when you try to parent a stepchild, offer input into decisions with raising them, discipline them, or even contemplate attending a parents evening, it's all - THEY'RE NOT YOUR KIDS, YOU'RE NOT THEIR MUM. YOU HAVE NO SAY (but they need to have their share of your money, of course!)

A lot of people on here are quite frankly butt hurt if you'll pardon the phrase (which I don't even like, but it fits here) either because there's another woman in their child's life thanks to their ex remarrying and they resent that, OR their parents split up when they were younger and they suffered as a result of this, and harboured resentful towards their stepparent - even if things might not have been their fault!

Don't worry, you're doing a great job.

Enjoy your day with your daughter.

Original poster

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 15:55

I'm making a song and dance because my baby girl is being terrorised at school, is coming home and sobbing in my arms and all I want to do is put a smile on her beautiful face but posters (and my own DH in a way) think that doesn't matter so long as my step sons get exactly the same, every single minute or the day. I'm making a song and dance because she bloody matters too.

OP posts:

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 15:55

I have no issue with stepmothers. Good ones. Good ones accept that they aren’t necessarily going to be at Parents’ Evening, but they step up to it if needed. Good ones accept that no, they don’t have parental rights, but they have parental responsibilities.

OMG did this make anyone else want to puke?

Brazi103 · 12/02/2020 15:56

OP stand your ground as there are so many situations this type of scenario will crop up along the way. Think inheritance, your personal items etc.

IceniSky · 12/02/2020 15:56

Wont read the whole thread as I'm sure there are some idiotic and clueless replies here.

Please take your daughter out and spend some quality time with her. Spend your money on her. Even if you didn't get this money I'd still encourage you to still do special things with her. It's up to your stepson parents to do special things with them. Some of which, you can do as a family.

Don't ever feel judged or as if you are in the wrong for saying your daughter is more special to you than your stepchildren. Because she should be. My daughter always has been my priority. Her happiness is more important to me than my stepsons, that is not to say I dont want them to be happy too. Our 'blended family' is a strong one.

I'm big on separate finances too.

Regardless, this is one trip out. Just tell DH your taking her out for mother daughter time. This is how normal families work.

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 15:56

OMG did this make anyone else want to puke?

For some reason I read it in Morgan Freeman’s voice...

DailyKegelReminder · 12/02/2020 15:56

- just thinking of two boys who live with a woman so very insistent that they aren’t her children. And how that might make them feel. That’s all.

I'm not or ever will be my Step DMs child, I have a DM. No back story, lovely lady who makes my DF very happy, she treated us well and that's that. Going by this thread she is clearly unique, she knew we had a mum and didnt try give us another one

getyourarseoffthequattro · 12/02/2020 15:58

Because rocking up in children’s lives and proceeding to be separatist and divisive in their home isn’t how decent people behave

goodness me! separatist and divisive. Bit strong and a load of rubbish

saraclara · 12/02/2020 15:59

I think it's really silly to say all treats and fun have to be exactly the same. A really good way to introduce and breed resentment in blended families too.

Exactly.

OP, point out to your partner that the boys get treats from their own mother, that your DH doesn't.
And yes, that your daughter needs some 1 to 1 time because of what's going on in her life. And since you're paying for it out of YOUR money, he's not having to contribute to the cost of it from family money.

Poppinjay · 12/02/2020 16:00

If you’ll excuse me saying, that is a horrible attitude.

Saying that the OP is not related to the boys is a fact, not an attitude.

All of the children have two parents. The children should be treated equally when they are all together.

There is no obligation on either mother to spread treats between all three children when they have them.

Obviously the OP has a relationship with the boys and, while they are together, it would be very wrong to treat them less favourably just because she isn't related to them.

It would be just as wrong to say that everything the DD gets must be shared with the boys, even when they aren't around, as it would be to say that anything they get when they are at their mum's should be shared with her.

You can't pretend that the children all have the same parents: they don't. They are being brought up in different circumstances and they need their parents to help them to understand this and see the bigger picture. Trying desperately to treat them all exactly the same all the time, thereby treating the DD less favourably is a recipe for resentment as they grow up.

10FrozenFingers · 12/02/2020 16:00

It's descended into farce now. Step mother haters are making it up as they go along.

It would be hilarious if it wasn't so pathetic.

74NewStreet · 12/02/2020 16:02

Huge issues there, mantaray. God love you, but you need to stop projecting onto op’s situation, which you don’t appear to be even seeing too clearly.

HillAreas · 12/02/2020 16:02

I think DH going on about things being exactly equal between the children is as likely to cause resentment when your DD realises she’s never allowed any nice one to one time with her own mother and must always wait for her Very Important Brothers to be present before she gets treats, must always have less of everything (time, money, whatever) from her mother because it has to be split three ways, meanwhile her brothers lives with their DM carry on regardless.
Is it unreasonable for the boys to realise that their SM loves her own DD exactly the same way that their DM loves them? And that it is different because they have their own DM? Why should they be made to feel entitled to an equal share of everything their SM wants to provide for her own child?
It’s the DH that has 3 children and as long as he has no favourites it’s perfectly natural for the children’s mothers to prioritise their own children. It’s not about the SM treating the step children as lesser. They aren’t second class children, they just aren’t HER children.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 12/02/2020 16:03

Good ones accept that no, they don’t have parental rights, but they have parental responsibilities

except they dont have any parental responsibilities whatsoever.

CalmdownJanet · 12/02/2020 16:03

Op you sound lovely, I think you sound like a great step mother too. Go and have a lovely day with your daughter, you are 100% right, enjoy your day

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 16:03

For some reason I read it in Morgan Freeman’s voice

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