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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:
Loli2 · 12/02/2020 16:04

I think you need to take a breath OP.

I can understand your frustration but don't post on AIBU and be outraged when someone proposes that you are.

For the record YANBU unreasonable to want to take your DD out (and you definately should because it's a nice way to spend time with her and cheer her up, plus your DH cant tell you to what to do with your own money.

YABU not to understand your DH point where by you are treating them differently as you have made it clear you don't want to treat them with your own money as they are not yours. Again, as I said before, you don't have to treat them the same. It's perfectly ok to regard them differently to your daughter and you're not a bad person for doing so. You don't owe DH an explanation for it.

aSofaNearYou · 12/02/2020 16:05

So you have an accident, and his first response is "so how are you going to use the compensation to treat me and my children?" Especially given that you had already used the majority of it to pay off family debt, a good husband would have been encouraging you to spend the whole bloody lot of what was left on pampering yourself, given that it was YOUR ordeal. The whole set up and the expectations he puts on you as a step parent sounds stifling and I couldn't live with it, frankly.

This whole thread is infuriating (well especially manta) They are not your sons, you already do more than enough for them (enough meaning being polite whilst taking no personal responsibility for them). And they don't need to feel like second class citizens because of any suggestion that your relationship with your daughter might be different to your relationship with them; they aren't lesser, they just aren't your children and she is. They will be aware of that, since presumably they can count to three and have noticed they already have two parents just like she does. It's absolutely fine for your relationship with your daughter to be different, it's on your husband to treat them all the same, not you. His attitude is the problem in all this.

WhereAreTheAdults · 12/02/2020 16:05

Rightly or wrongly your DH feels hurt that you want to "exclude" his DCs. (BTW I get that is not what you are trying to do - but it seems, from what you say, to be how he feels.)

So it is kind of irrelevant how the DCs would react to it.

How about a compromise. A full family treat (cinema with all 5 of you) as a "celebration" about the money.

And then as a completely different event a mother-daughter day out. You may have to dip into other funding for this/spend less as the cinema trip will have taken some of the other money.

This was everyone wins, surely?

YgritteSnow · 12/02/2020 16:05

There is no law (apart from the Mumsnet first wives club) that says everything has to be perfectly equal.

I don't understand why this is being pinned on the "first wives club". I don't think like this and I am a first wife. Many of my friends are "first wives". As I said I remain single so my children don't have to share my time and resources. Why is it particularly "first wives" who are demanding this "equality"? Presumably because we are all so bitter and seething with jealousy at the REAL love match that is the second REAL marriage? 🙄

Bibidy · 12/02/2020 16:05

just thinking of two boys who live with a woman so very insistent that they aren’t her children

Because they're not? They have a mother already.

Honestly the attitude towards step-parents here is a joke.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/02/2020 16:05

I just don't understand why your DH gets to decide how you spend compensation money frm an accident YOU suffered.

So, if you wanted to spend it all, entirely on yourself - buy yourself a spa day, or some lovely clothes or perfume or whatever - would that be ok?

Sooo, is this about him trying to control your money?

Or is it about him trying to exert his idea of fairness regarding the DCs?

Or both? Or neither?

HillAreas · 12/02/2020 16:07

@Poppinjay articulated what I was trying to say in my ramble so much better Blush

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 12/02/2020 16:07

@Fetchit Take your daughter out and treat her. I disgaree with every single thing @mantarays has said.
To be completely honest, you should treat your own dd differently because she's your daughter. I might feel differently if your two step sons lived with you. But your step sons have a mum already and don't need another one.

My mum has me and two step daughters and I have always been treated differently. Her husband treats his daughters differently to me.
My dad's wife has two sons. My dad treats me differently to them. She treats them differently. Everyone is happy. Everyone knows their parents out them first.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 12/02/2020 16:09

wow, a thread where ops getting flamed for not calling her step kids, "her kids" because apparently they are her kids?

Meanwhile, Kate Ferdinand is being flamed for calling her step kids her kids because they're apparently not her kids..

you couldn't make it up Grin

Nowayorhighway · 12/02/2020 16:10

If they don’t live with you then YANBU.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 12/02/2020 16:10

Well I have a lot of sympathy for step kids and usually err on the side of equality but if they don't live with you I really see no harm in taking your DD out for a treat (choose a day SDC aren't there).

Narcheska · 12/02/2020 16:12

I'm making a song and dance because my baby girl is being terrorised at school, is coming home and sobbing in my arms and all I want to do is put a smile on her beautiful face but posters (and my own DH in a way) think that doesn't matter so long as my step sons get exactly the same, every single minute or the day. I'm making a song and dance because she bloody matters too.

No one is saying that! Almost everyone is saying you should treat your daughter that's perfectly normal. All kids get special treats what some people are objecting to is your attitude toward your stepsons

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 12/02/2020 16:13

YANBU. Your DH needs to reel his neck in.

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 16:13

There is no law (apart from the Mumsnet first wives club) that says everything has to be perfectly equal

I am the first wife. No club though unless we get a badge and then I’m in.

I think children should be treated with equal fairness. I don’t believe that means treating them identically. In fact treating children absolutely identically for the sake of fairness often means children miss out on what they actually need.

letmebefrank · 12/02/2020 16:15

stop defending yourself, OP. You aren't proposing anything wrong.

You are perfectly reasonable to want to spend some time and money on your child and have a day out. She's you're daughter and in need of some one to one time. That has zero to do with your stepsons, even if they were your own children. But they're not. They have their own mother who can and does treat them to things, no doubt, and a father.

I would also ensure that your half of your home and assets are going to your DD, frankly. DH's half can be split amongst all his children down the line. But his sons have their own mother who will be looking after them ... I highly doubt she's leaving something for your DD, their half sister, as well.

JudyCoolibar · 12/02/2020 16:17

My DD has had a rough time recently at school and I want her to feel special for the day.

That's a good enough reason on its own for giving her some special treatment.

When my children were this age we would regularly take one out on their own. It was partly to give them a bit of "me time", partly because they weren't all interested in the same thing. For instance, DH would take DS off to watch trains which they both loved, and other times I might take the DDs out to something that interested them. It didn't necessarily divide on sex lines either, I would also take DS out on his own and vice versa. They were all perfectly happy with the arrangement and weren't jealous, because they knew they all had their turn at some point.

HavenDilemma · 12/02/2020 16:18

@fetchit Ask him what about when the boy's mum takes them out for the day? What about your DD then?

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 16:18

I guess it upsets me because I know if it were the other way around and one of my stepsons was like this, firstly everyone here would be all for DH taking him out and spoiling him a little and secondly, I would be all for that as well. I would happily tell DH to take X out, make him feel super special today, get him some treats, spend a nice day with him etc...

And if my DD questioned it, she would be told that X has been very sad lately and so daddy/mummy whatever, is taking him out today to cheer him up and that would be all she'd need to know.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 12/02/2020 16:19

I think 1-1 time is lovely as well. But in this case it’s only the DD who’ll be getting it

She’s only mum to one of the children. The other two have their own mum to have special time with.

The op’s DH should be spending one on one time with all three children. The op only needs to concentrate on one!

Jaxhog · 12/02/2020 16:19

I know that everyone wants SMs to treat their SC the same as their biological children, but the truth is that you are NOT their mum, whereas you ARE your DD's mum.

But I think your best approach to this is to present it as YOUR day of R&R following your accident, and you'd like a 'girly' day with your girl. IF DH still objects, tell them that there will come a time when he will want to do something 'manly' with his two boys. Does he really want you to veto that because you and DD aren't interested in doing it?

getyourarseoffthequattro · 12/02/2020 16:19

@fetchit please remember that MN is generally nothing like real life. Nobody in real life would think you were doing anything wrong.

When it comes to step parenting i find MN like an alternate universe sometimes Flowers

Bibidy · 12/02/2020 16:21

@Fetchit Don't listen to all the nonsense on here, of course you're entitled to take your own daughter out, bloody hell.

Your OH is being unreasonable too, I bet he wouldn't have an issue with this if all three were yours. He's just being ultra sensitive because the boys aren't yours.

Wannakisstheteacher · 12/02/2020 16:21

I think a lot of woman are raging hypocrites about this on here. A man must always treat his step child exactly the same as his own children, as must his family. A woman can pick and choose it seems.

leadbetter5 · 12/02/2020 16:23

You don't need permission OP, your money, your child. You obviously want to do it, so just do it.

MynameisJune · 12/02/2020 16:23

You’re not BU to want to treat your daughter but I think YABU to not want to spend a penny of that money on your SS’s. I’d give their Dad £30 and tell him to take them bowling or to the cinema to see a boys film, or trampolining or something. And then you can tell all 3 kids that you got some money and you and DD are having a girly day and DH and the boys are having a boy day with the money. If it costs DH a bit more then so be it, but at least then they all feel like they’ve been treated. They don’t need to know how much has been spent on each etc.