Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:
keepsmiling2015 · 12/02/2020 15:41

No I don't think it's unreasonable at all. I do girly trips with my dd every so often and don't take my DS and we're not a blended family. It's just a day out with your only daughter, perfectly reasonable.

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 15:41

*you’re

Hmmmwhatsthat · 12/02/2020 15:42

Nope YANBU. You suffered the accident, the money is yours, you want a girly day out with your daughter. I have a DS and a DD and often have girly days out. My DS has no desire to join in and he doesn't feel like he's treated differently - he has "boys" days out with his dad. And rightly so.

mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:42

Children need one on one time with their parents, anyone who doesn't see that is naive.

I haven’t denied this. The OP could easily do both: have 1-1 time with her DD and share this extra resource with all the children in her care.

TheHagOnTheHill · 12/02/2020 15:42

I think what would be unfair would be not having a mum/daughter day out.
A family day would no doubt be centred around what the boys want to do and to say that your DDS days out can only be when they're there.
Fair is that your child has time with her mum,boys have time with their mum and all have time with their father.
Enjoy your day out.

Boysnme · 12/02/2020 15:43

OP I take my kids on different days out. They like and need the attention and are not resentful as they both get the same, just not at the same time. Take your DD out and enjoy the day.

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 15:44

Manta, I'll remember that next time I see a post on here about stepmothers being too involved, needing to back off, 'youre not my kids mum' etc... That in fact they are actually my son's now. I'm assuming that means I also get parental rights? Get to go to parents evenings?? Take them to the Dr?? Or is it just when money is involved?

They aren't my son's. They are my stepsons as you say. A name I have referred to them by in a lot of my posts and which I refer to them by all the time in my day to day life.

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 12/02/2020 15:44

So, in order for all children to be treated equally, are you suggesting that DD never gets a day out without the boys because she has to wait for her half-brothers to get back from their mum's (where they may well be going on days out without her!) so they can all go together?

Does her life go into a kind of limbo when they're not in the house and able to share whatever is going on?

You're being really silly now Manta, and I can only assume that you have had a bad experience - which I am honestly sorry for, but OP seems like she's doing her best. Being a step mum isn't easy in any way, and it brings with it so much judgement and so many decisions that are blurred by complications. And also, you can never, ever treat children - whether half or full siblings - completely equally. You say she should be compensating for the boys coming from a broken home (again, very emotive language you're using there without actually knowing their situation, or that they're in the slightest way unhappy about it), yet what about compensating for the fact her daughter is having a difficult time at school. Is it only home life that should be taken into account, then, and sod what the girl is going through?

She has paid for a family holiday using the majority of the money. If a woman was willing to do that for my child I would want to hug her and say thank you, not demand that she gives further money to my child when I was quite capable of doing so myself.

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 15:44

The boys will be getting treats and one on one time from their DM, why is OP's DD not entitled to the same? Why must she share every single penny and minute when the other children don't have to?

Totally agree. OP needs to be fair to her dd too.

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 15:44

I still want to know why the DD won’t miss money she doesn’t know about, but the stepsons will resent and immediately notice the disparity of money they don’t know about Grin

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2020 15:45

I'm not sure about this op to be honest you can take your daughter out for a day and not blow a couple of hundred quid, and still have the family day out you wish.

You keep saying he can do the same, whilst admitting he can't, as he can't afford it.

But you could easily have a day out with your daughter alone and not spend 200 quid, and still have the family day out.

Your wording does often suggest you wish your daughter to be treated equally by her father. But you don't need to do the same as you're not the parent, which is fair.

But again, it's the fact you don't want to spend a penny of it on the boys shows something is up here.

My recommendation would be, have a day out with your daughter, but her lunch, go to a museum etc, spend 50 quid.

Then use the rest to have a family day out for all of you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/02/2020 15:46

Bloody hell!

Fetchit have a lovely day out with yoru DD. Tell your DH he is making trouble where it doesn't need to be... remind him that if he insists on you treating his sons as though they are your own you will insist his ex treats your DD the same way too! You have the same blood relationship after all!

Some people just look for niggles and unfairness where they just don't exist. Others fall over themselves trying to make sure everyone has the same of everything. Neither way works well as it just isn't natural! It's enforced equality, which always makes everyone unhappy!

What is natural is treating each kid as an individual and, as you yourself said you experienced as a child, each having time with each parent, step parent as appropriate. NOT each child having a precisely accounted period of time, money , attention etc.

Enjoy Smile

Loli2 · 12/02/2020 15:46

But yes I guess you're right that I don't see a problem with me spending a little extra on my DD out of my own pocket and DH doing the same for his SSs.

Yes of course and at the end of the day you can do what you want with your own money. You're just making it clear that you don't seem to regard them the same as your own DD and only as you DH responsibility and that's fine if it works for you and your blended family. I'm just pointing out how i can see your DH disappointment perhaps that maybe you don't regard them in the same way as you do your DD. I suppose imagine it was the other way around and your DH was not the father of DD and in the same situation decided to treat the other two as you are her with his extra money.

Again, you're perfectly entitled to do what you want and only you can decide what kind of relationship and regard you have for the SS and lots of families do not treat stepchildren as equals to their blood children. That's probably just clearer for DH now. Doesn't make you a bad person though.

mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:47

Fetchit

I have no issue with stepmothers. Good ones. Good ones accept that they aren’t necessarily going to be at Parents’ Evening, but they step up to it if needed. Good ones accept that no, they don’t have parental rights, but they have parental responsibilities.

Anyway, good luck.

purpleboy · 12/02/2020 15:47

Manta Most threads with a stepparent they are told the SC are not theirs, they are not financially responsible for them, why is this situation any different? If it was DHs money then you have a case for making it equal but it's not it's OPs money, she can spend it on her daughter who is going through a rough time and who only gets treats from OP and her DH, whereas the SC get treats from their DM and from OP and her DH.
Honestly if I was as invested as you are in this thread in which 98% of people are disagreeing with me, I would have to take a step back and consider why that was and maybe adjust my understanding of the situation.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/02/2020 15:48

Then use the rest to have a family day out for all of you. What, like she did on paying off the credit card that included a family holiday?

Pshaw! Blow it all on tat if you want OP!

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 15:49

You keep saying he can do the same, whilst admitting he can't, as he can't afford it

I said the opposite. That he could afford it.

I think people are missing the point that this is a treat for my DD because she's having a really hard time. That is why it's not necessarily equal on this occasion. That is why I want to make it a special day for her. All I've said to DH is that if he is really concerned about his sons missing out then he should take them out and have a boys day, but with his own money on this one occasion as this little extra that I have is for taking DD out due to her shit time.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 12/02/2020 15:49

I think the op is getting a hard time from some replies here. Spend the day with your DD. Why shouldn’t you? If your DH had his way, you’d never do anything with your DD on a one to one basis, because everything you do needs to be as a ‘family’!

TheFastandTheCurious · 12/02/2020 15:49

@mantarays, but that isn't what is going on here is it, you're just projecting your feelings onto OP and in all honesty, talking utter bollocks. Stop trying to make OP feel bad, she's doing nothing wrong whatsoever, you're just cherry picking the bits you want and twisting them

mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:50

SunshineAngel

I’m out of this one. It’s making me sad. But it’s not me being “silly” - just thinking of two boys who live with a woman so very insistent that they aren’t her children. And how that might make them feel. That’s all.

PrettyyGood · 12/02/2020 15:50

Unless there's some whole backstory here, just one person seems to be making a huge song and dance about this. And that's you.

Schuyler · 12/02/2020 15:51

@mantarays

They aren’t her children. They’re her step children.

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 15:51

Good ones accept that they aren’t necessarily going to be at Parents’ Evening, but they step up to it if needed. Good ones accept that no, they don’t have parental rights, but they have parental responsibilities

Okay so are you suggesting I don't do any of the above? Because really you know nothing of my relationship with the boys, how amazingly we get on (we do), the times I've stepped up for them in the past (which I have), I could go on... But it would be irrelevant because it's nothing to do with the subject of the thread.

If you want to hear about all the things I've done for my stepsons, all the times I've put them first, the times I've gone out of my way to help them, the times I've been the only person they've wanted to talk to when they were having a rough time with their parents etc... I can tell you?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 15:52

just thinking of two boys who live with a woman so very insistent that they aren’t her children

They don’t live with her. They live with their mother and visit their fathers home. Two homes.

DailyKegelReminder · 12/02/2020 15:52

YANBU. Like many posters have said fair doesnt always mean equal. The dramatics surrounding step children on MN is crazy. I was one and had two different homes, treated great in both, differently at times but still great.

Also my DM would take my younger sibling away for days out etc without us and shock horror, that was fine too. In your situation I think I would take DD out, then take everyone out for pizza or something another day if funds allowed.