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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 15:31

What are the ages of the children as a matter of interest?

mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:31

SunshineAngel

Because it’s not their fault they have a divided home. If there are small compensations for that, they’re very small indeed. In one house, all the children who live there should be treated the same. Just my view on it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/02/2020 15:31

It's fine for you to treat your daughter, as long as you would be happy with your DH doing the same for his sons. And you also need to be happy with your DH spending any money he comes into on what he wants rather than family things.

Original poster

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 15:32

It is interesting that when you come into some extra money it is only her you want to spend it on

I've already spent it on the family by paying off our debt (which was partly formed by out summer holiday this year which step sons will be coming on as they always do). What is left I want to use to give my daughter a pick me up.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 12/02/2020 15:32

"fair" in step families isnt always "exactly the same"

This is true in all families, not just step. Not that there should be a huge inequity in the way children are treated. It's hills and valleys, isn't it?

DH and I have done things with our children together and separately. It evens out in the long run. I'm sure it will here, with DH taking his boys to a sports match or a film the others don't want to see. It's not like OP is taking her DD on a week long trip to Disney.

Narcheska · 12/02/2020 15:33

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want to treat your daughter to a special trip but I think the fixation on your money only being spent on your DD is a bit mean. You married a man with kids and then had a kid with him so they're all siblings and family.

I have 3 kids. Only 2 are DHs. We both take them out separately for special treats but everyone gets treated equally so if someone got something then the others get something small too as a token and they all get special 1:1 time with us. DH often takes my eldest (his stepson) go karting its a thing they do together now. We only have family money tho and if either of us day gets a bonus it's split equally on all the kids (my husbands view on how it should work because he doesn't want my eldest to feel any less important)

R2G · 12/02/2020 15:33

In the circumstances described yanbu

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 15:33

Because it’s not their fault they have a divided home

They don’t. They have two homes. One where their mother can treat them and another when their half-sisters mother can treat her child - see? Same treatment.

Meruem · 12/02/2020 15:33

I think he's being ridiculous. I have 2 DC, both mine. They have often had days out and even holidays without the other being there. There's never been any resentment, it all balances out in the end. Plus both of them valued time alone with mum. You don't always have to include every child in everything, step or non step.

Witchend · 12/02/2020 15:34

I think you've put this the wrong way:

You said "I want to treat my daughter with the money I received".

What you actually meant was:
"With the money I got as compensation I would like a day out with my daughter."
It makes the emphasis on your money, your treat.

I don't see the problem anyway. I have 3 dc. All 3 of them get taken out by me on their own for treats.

HoHoHolly · 12/02/2020 15:34

Not unreasonable to take her out for a one to one IF they actually do get their own one to ones at other times, whether with their mum or dad.

I agree it's great and important for children to have this with a parent, increasingly so as they get older. However you saying your DH "is free to take them out" with his own money is not good enough if he doesn't actually do so occasionally.

If he or their mum does, then great, go ahead. But if not, personally I don't think you should unilaterally decide to spend money on DD and just wash your hands of any impact on the boys if your DH doesn't do similar for them. Fairness is complicated in blended families, and unhelpfully I think YABU or YANBU depending on the bigger picture.

Original poster

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 15:34

as long as you would be happy with your DH doing the same for his sons. And you also need to be happy with your DH spending any money he comes into on what he wants rather than family things

Absolutely DH can do the same, I don't mind at all. I've only said it's slightly different with DH as all the children are his. However, I really wouldn't mind if he wanted to take SSs out on a 'boys day'.

And I have used the money for family things. I've paid off our debt, this is a small amount that's left. So no I wouldn't begrudge DH doing the same.

OP posts:

mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:34

They don’t. They have two homes. One where their mother can treat them and another when their half-sisters mother can treat her child - see? Same treatment.

Are you from a broken home, Jacques?

10FrozenFingers · 12/02/2020 15:35

The usual suspects out to bash a step mother on MN. There's a surprise. Some people really have issues. So much hatred is unhealthy.

Maybe they should have therapy instead of giving someone a hard time for treating her DD.

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 15:35

Are you from a broken home, Jacques?

Nope. My daughter has two homes though - neither of which are broken.

nowlook · 12/02/2020 15:36

Does the DSC's mum also have a new partner? It's quite easy for the "step-children" to be left behind in this kind of arrangement. Each parent looking to the other to support them. Not my personal experience, but DH's parents both remarried and he seemed to fall between the cracks. Extra treats weren't really considered: he became more of a financial liability to be shared grudgingly between divorced parents, unfortunately.

Loli2 · 12/02/2020 15:37

"I've already spent it on the family by paying off our debt (which was partly formed by out summer holiday this year which step sons will be coming on as they always do)."

Not really a valid point IMO as technically you have already done that for your DD aswell...the principle of treating them differently still applies. But you are entitled to treat them differently if you wish and that's your relationship with the boys. Again, nothing wrong with having a day out with your DD but it is clear you don't want to spend that extra money on the two SS

Original poster

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 15:37

Noticed Manta has completely avoided my post about being the first to suggest DH take my stepson out alone if he were having a hard time at school.... Because it's true, everyone would suggest it if it were one of the boys and not my DD that were having a hard time.

OP posts:

mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:38

JacquesHammer

Then you don’t know how it feels. It’s not having two homes for some people; it’s having two halves of a family. It can be traumatic and damaging. These boys need what they have gone through to be taken into consideration by the adults in their lives. All the adults. All the time.

Original poster

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 15:39

Loli, I have a good relationship with the boys.

But yes I guess you're right that I don't see a problem with me spending a little extra on my DD out of my own pocket and DH doing the same for his SSs.

OP posts:

mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:39

I didn’t deliberately avoid it. There are lots of posts.

By all means, take her out. But that doesn’t need to cost hundreds of pounds. Take her to the cinema and for a McDonalds, and share the money so your stepsons get a treat as well?

Original poster

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 15:40

Manta, you are stretching now. This is nothing to do with me not appreciating what the boys have been through coming from a separated family.

This is purely about me treating my DD who's having a shit time with bullies at her school and DH being perfectly free to do the same with his sons.

OP posts:

PersephoneandHades · 12/02/2020 15:40

@mantarays OP has said so many times now that this is going to be a treat for her DD, a rare day specifically about her DD, that's why the (small) amount of money is not being split between 3 DC.

Children need one on one time with their parents, anyone who doesn't see that is naive.

The boys will be getting treats and one on one time from their DM, why is OP's DD not entitled to the same? Why must she share every single penny and minute when the other children don't have to?

OP, go for it, your DD will thank you for getting to spend a lovely day with you without having to share your attention! I would have gone crazy as a child if I was never allowed to spend a day out with my mum alone.

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 15:40

Crikey some major projection going on here.

fetchit let’s face it, your a step-mother. For some reason anathema to many on MN whatever you do.

Enjoy your time with your daughter.

mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:41

Fetchit

I think if you did truly appreciate it you wouldn’t keep saying things like “his son’s”. They’re your sons now, too. Your stepsons.

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