Giving money to DC but not Step DC

[Fetchit]

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

Have a lovely day out with your daughter. X

YANBU. Have a great shopping trip with your DD.

It seems to me that many don’t genuinely commit to the whole new family idea. They want a new partner but don’t really want extra kids. But you can’t have the partner without the kids!
Did you miss the bit where op says she pays 50% for the kids or??

If they live with you why would you treat them differently. I grew up with a father and step mother after my own mum died when I was tiny. They went on to have a son together. I always treated differently than he was. Trust me if you don’t treat them the same they will remember. You have taken on these children when you married their father. It’s extremely unfair to leave them out.

They dont live with op

I Can't understand how anyone would think this is unreasonable.

It’s your personal ‘fun’ money, you usually do everything including your DSS’s. This is a treat for your DD, who sounds like she’s been having a hard time.
And you’ve stated over and over that you’re fine if your DH treats the boys similarly without your DD out of his fun money if he chooses to.

You’re not taking your DD off to Disney world with her dad on a family holiday, it’s a girls day out.

And I’m a ‘first wife’, I regularly take my older dc off to do fun things together my younger DC stay with their dad (having fun running rings round him). DP & I also take our younger two out without older DC & older DC have not interest in coming along. And we do things altogether which everyone loves.

Nobody feels hard done by as it’s never made a big deal of. If I’m talking about booking something sometimes my older dc will express an interest and say they’d love to come along and we then turn it into a big family day out.

It’s no big deal. Tell your DH you’re doing it, unless his ex wife starts including your DD in every treat she takes her DC on. And if that’s ridiculous then so is your DH’s attitude.

You can't have the partner without the partner having the kids, Wombat, they're not "extra" kids unless you adopt them. They can grow up feeling loved and provided for by both of their parents and loved but not paid for by other people, just like all other children. There's nothing wrong with that and growing up knowing only your parents are financially responsible for you is not an unusual hardship or being "undervalued".

I saw it. But it’s not just about money but attitude too. It’s about whether you have committed emotionally to all being 1 family and also to jointly deciding as adults about how to approach the various challenges life throws up.....or wanting to basically be separate still, just in the same bed.

My partner takes his DC out on a weekend when they stay with us, not every week but most - Ice skating, cinema, soft play etc even sometimes just for a quick lunch. But 9/10 times they get what Id consider a treat.
He doesn’t do this with our own DC because he doesn’t really have the time, we just crack on with family life. I don’t kick up a fuss. We do the odd thing as a family and the odd thing where it’s just DP and me and our DC.
Overall it’s fair. I’d be really pissed off if my DP said I couldn’t spend MY money how I chose, just like I don’t say “oh you spent a tenner on DSC, put the same in the pot for our DC please”

If you were buying her a brand new Merc or giving her a deposit for a house maybe there’s a discussion to be had - but a few hundred quid in river island? No!

YANBU. I had a younger half brother and I would absolutely have expected him to be able to do nice things with his parents on weekends I was with my Dad. My Dad did plenty with me, it wouldn't have been fair otherwise.

And whats wrong with ops attitude?

All she wants to do is treat her child whos having a hard time. The boys arent having a hard time.

And even if the boys were having a hard time, they have two parents to help them overcome their problems just like the op’s dd does.

They want a new partner but don’t really want extra kids. But you can’t have the partner without the kids!
I would bet my house that my DSDs mother would absolutely lose her mind if I started operating as if DSD was actually my “extra child”. Please allow me a flight of fancy...
The whole of Mumsnet would be asking what the mushroom cloud up north was all about - that would be DHs Ex head exploding when I decide to make DSD my resident child, change her school, doctors and set about upending the appalling (to me, her mother thinks she is doing a wonderful job) way she’s been bringing up her child. I would be legally her parent and provide equally for her alongside my 2 biological children, including an equal share of my assets in my will and equal treats when I get cash windfalls after accidents.
Shocking? Outrageous? Unthinkable? It’s all those things. But so is telling a mother she’s not allowed to treat her own child in case another woman’s children, who she has no rights or responsibilities for, get hurt feelings. I stay in my SM box, don’t share my opinion unless DH asks for it, run DSD about to her clubs, share her expenses when she’s with us, spend time playing with her and chatting etc. I’ve even (shockingly!) taken her out for treats, just us two. We have a nice relationship.
I would be deeply unimpressed if DH said I couldn’t do nice things with and for my children when DSD isn’t around.

Its fine for you to treat your daughter to a special day out. As long as you dont object when/if your H spends £££ on his boys on a day out- that would be a nice thing to do too right? that would make it equal and fair.

This ^

Ibizafun OP has suggested her DH take boys out on his own using his own funds to treat them. Her DH however doesn’t want to.

So why won’t your DH take the boys out with his own money?

I’m guessing it’s one of those situations whereby if this money hadn’t materialised none of the children would be going anywhere. So he feels it needs to be shared. Tell him to take his sons out - surely there will come a day in future when they all want to go to the football or swimming or something your daughter doesn’t want to do, and I bet he doesn’t think twice and just takes them.

Is this the massive issue it’s turned into on here? Or was it just an off hand comment by him? Or a huge argument? You don’t even need to mention your daughters state of mind, you’re well within your rights to take her out regardless of if she’s being bullied or not! You’re not being unreasonable at all but I’m struggling to work out if your husband is making it a huge issue or it was just a off hand comment he made.

What did he say when you said for him to take his sons out on their own?

Ibizafun, you do realise he has to take the daughter out too in order for it to be fair? Since he’s the dad to all 3 of the children.

unless his ex wife starts including your DD in every treat she takes her DC on. And if that’s ridiculous then so is your DH’s attitude.

I really dont get these sort of comments. Why would the ex wife consider this. She doesnt live with one of the parents of the DD. The DD would never be visiting her. It is totally different to the OP being a stepmum. The OP actually lives with the parent of her stepchildren and they stay at her house.

@HillAreas has summed this up perfectly. And I said further up the thread, I have had several step parents over the last 30 years. They have always put their own children ahead of me - as they should. That is not to say I don’t feel cared about. I do.

Sounds like your DH has tagged all the compensation money as family money where all family are to benefit from it.

You’ve tagged it as your compensation money which you have chosen to use to pay off family debt and earmarked the rest for spending as you choose.

Neither wrong just difference of opinion.

Does your DH always insist on exact equal for anything over the norm between the children? I’d be hacked off with that because it will never be accurate unless everything the boys get from their mum and her family are included.

Take your daughter out because you want to and she needs a boost. Ask your husband if he wants receipts to make sure it’s “fair.” I mean what about clothes. One of the boys must sometimes get hand me downs from his brother and your DD presumably gets new clothes, how outrageously it must be balanced up immediately.

Love everything about your comment @HillAreas

No the DD doesn’t live with the ex. So she has no responsibility towards her sons half sister. She can treat her boys to her hearts content.

Why can’t OP treat her own child when the boys aren’t around?

OP by sounds of things contributes a lot towards her DSS’s, she sounds like a really nice SM.

She is allowed to treat her own child using her own funds if she wants.

Her DH can treat his sons using his onw funds if he wants. Apparently he doesn’t want. I’d say that was the actual issue. OP has no financial responsibility towards the DSS’s. She isn’t treating her DSS’s differently, she wants to be able to have a small fun treat with her DC just this once.

I’d expect DP to treat his own DC occasionally when the opportunity arises, I wouldn’t demand he include my older DC. He already does a lot for my older DC who utterly adore the bones of him.

It's funny because I think people always focus so much on what is fair for the step kids in these scenarios that the resident child often gets overlooked completely.

Drives me crazy how often DC from second relationships are treated like second class citizens compared to DC from first relationships.

This^^

Personally think you're being unreasonable to spend £200 odd on one child but not get the others even a token something so they don't feel left out, step children or not--it may not seem much to you a little day out but I'm sure they'll notice that she has £200 of new clothes and toys but do what you want.

Just wanted to point out that to all the PP saying that OP's DD should be treated every time the DSC's mother does something with them is completely ridiculous when DD is nothing to do with SDC's Mum, whereas OP is SDC's stepparent? How do people even work with this logic? To say that she'd be entitled to inheritance from her father's ex partner?? What planet are you on?

I think what I struggle to accept is the posters saying I am keeping us 'separate' or don't want to see the kids as my 'family'. Because I don't do this in any way in our day to day lives, the boys come on all our holidays as they should, they are treated equally on birthdays, Christmases, as they should be, I spend my own money on them regularly, I usually buy them a lot of their presents at Christmas for example because I see things they'll like and don't think twice about getting it, same with clothes and other odd little things. I never separate our finances when it comes to the kids, I pay 50% of everything, other than this once. And emotionally too, they are loved boys, they come to me with their problems and we talk about things together and we all get along so well. They are certainly not unwanted or separate.

This is the one time I've 'seperated' anything and it's because I feel my DD needs it more than the boys right now. And you know she'd absolutely love for daddy to come along on her day out but he won't be because that wouldn't be fair. But when it's just me and her I think that's different.

I'd do the same if all three of them were my biological kids and one was going through shit and as I've said, I'd do the same if one of the boys needed this too! I'm sure there will be times in the future where the boys have issues going on and need a little extra love/attention/treating or whatever and they will get it as and when.