Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 19:23

Bluntness, if one of my stepsons was going through what my DD is then yes I absolutely would be fine with DH treating him like this, I would encourage it actually. And I honestly wouldn't be arsed about him going for a 'boys day' to watch football/cinema or whatever. I had dad and daughter days with my dad without my full brother as I've already said.

All I'm suggesting is that if DH want to do the same for his SSs on this one occasion then he pay for it himself (which he could if he wanted to). As I've said multiple times, I pay for a lot for my SSs day to day, this is not a regular occurrence.

In fact if you'd like to know, I spent nearly £70 the other day buying the boys some new jumpers because they needed some. That came out of my pocket because I saw some I thought they'd like. No intention of asking DH for the money or anything because we are a family and I do love them. But this once I'd like to treat DD. H is welcome to do the same for the boys if he wants but in my mind DDs need for a nice time, being treated and made to feel special are a little more at the moment due to her situation. Same would go for the boys if it were one of them.

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 12/02/2020 19:23

How about if OP gives all the money to a charity then no one gets anything. More than fair.

And then as the OP's DD didn't get a treat, next time the DH can afford to take his boys out, well, he can't.

funinthesun19 · 12/02/2020 19:25

And then as the OP's DD didn't get a treat, next time the DH can afford to take his boys out, well, he can't.

Oh no that wouldn’t be fair. Their parents are no longer together so they deserve a nice treat.

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 19:27

I think someone asked ages... DD is 7, SS1 is 10 and SS2 is 12.

OP posts:
letmebefrank · 12/02/2020 19:28

Did you actually point out to your Dh that you'd bought his boys jumpers just last week?

Your DH is being unreasonable, regardless, but he really needs to get a look at the big picture here: your DD is entitled to spend 1:1 time with you, and him for that matter!, as are the boys.

user1471449295 · 12/02/2020 19:28

YANBU at all. Please take your daughter out and have a lovely day. Your DH is BU in this case

DishingOutDone · 12/02/2020 19:30

@funinthesun19 I read that as the actual parents need a treat. This money is going to have to stretch further and further. I think the DH should treat his ex-wife as well out of it. Family money after all.

saraclara · 12/02/2020 19:30

It seems like DH is just jealous (and I don't use this word lightly) of the windfall element of it. Had OP just said "I'm going to take DD out for the day at the weekend to try to lift her spirits" I doubt he'd have protested. It seems to be all about the money.

Greenmarmalade · 12/02/2020 19:32

If my DH did this, I’d be livid. You should take them all out.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/02/2020 19:32

For me, either you are all a family or not. If you don’t see the need to treat your step children and only your daughter with unexpected money then I can see why your DH would be upset.

If you have separate finances and you pay 50/50 each of the household costs then if he’s free to spend the rest of his income on them so they aren’t left out then at least that’s something.

What their mum spends is totally separate and doesn’t have to be equal as she’s not in the relationship and had no say in half siblings.

WarrenNicole · 12/02/2020 19:33

Nooooo, a “family money” and “evil SM” thread in one!

onlyforaminute · 12/02/2020 19:33

YANBU. I have 2 dd's and took one out a few weeks ago to paint some pottery and for lunch. Didn't apologise to my other dd.

I take my other dd out to soft play, the trampoline park etc and don't feel bad for dd1.

I don't think treating kids fairly has to mean everything has to be exactly the same. You've said your step sons not hard done by so it's not like you're neglecting them whilst you lavish money on your dd. Go and enjoy yourselves.

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 19:34

Two 10yo and 12yo boys are unlikely to want to do the same things as a 7yo girl.

Let us know how your day out goes, OP.

I also don’t think you should be contributing 50% to house. Save money for your DD.

WombatChocolate · 12/02/2020 19:36

Clearly there does not have to be treating all to the exact penny or on the same day. Most parents of children in a family whether it’s blended or all one original family, take one child out sometimes or spend on one and not the other.

That’s fine and normal. Most then broadly look to also treat the others at some point - the treat might not cost the same or happen for a while. Healthy families do this and the children know they won’t have the exact same money spent on them, nor at the same time, but broadly treats are equally given.

It is ridiculous if people can’t see it’s possible to broadly treat equally without it being to the penny. Doing this has to be an agreement of both adults in the family - sometimes one adult might take children out and sometimes the other - that’s fine, but the parents are in tune about treating the kids equally.

Here Op and DH aren’t in tune. That’s the issue. One adult has money and wants to treat one child. Would be fine if they agreed all kids need a treat at some point. But they don’t. And here it’s cpming down to money. Because whilst Op thinks in principle the kids can all have a treat if DH pays for his kids, Dh doesn’t want to do this because to him it’s about the money, not the treat issue. He doesn’t like the idea that Op has this money for 1 child.

I can see both their points. And I would solve it by making it family money. Yes DD would get a smaller treat - it’s what happens when there are 3 kids not 1. Op should go out for a lovely girls day with DD - surely she does this anyway at other times? As long as the boys at some point get some adult time and a sense that they are being treated, I think it’s fine.

Sometimes people don’t really like their step children or quite often they don’t love them in the same way as their own. That’s understandable and fine. But treating them differently in a way which clearly says ‘you aren’t my child and I treat you worse’ doesn’t seem right when you have chosen to be a family. And I think it’s irrelevant what’s happening with the parent elsewhere, because they are fully part of your new blended family 100% of the time. They are 100% part of 2 families and need to feel fully part of each and not as second rate to any of the adults in either family - isn’t it that which helps them grow up feeling valued?

getyourarseoffthequattro · 12/02/2020 19:37

If my DH did this, I’d be livid. You should take them all out

Why?

Dp treats dss on his own sometimes and ds stays with me. Sometimes ds gets a treat that dss doesnt get. Sometimes we all go do something.

Nobody gets upset about it. Nobody is "livid"

yellowallpaper · 12/02/2020 19:38

Provided you would be happy if he had an amount of money not linked to you, and he took his sons out only as a boys day out treat?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/02/2020 19:38

If my DH did this, I’d be livid. You should take them all out

I agree.

They already have to split their time between their two parents knowing dad is there all the time for their half sibling. Being excluded from days out just adds to that.

I never get why so many have second families, the first family often end up with the raw deal it would seem.

HollowTalk · 12/02/2020 19:40

So are you saying that the OP can never take out her own daughter and treat her to something?

getyourarseoffthequattro · 12/02/2020 19:41

They already have to split their time between their two parents knowing dad is there all the time for their half sibling. Being excluded from days out just adds to that

They also get 2 sets of everything. 2 houses. 2 bedrooms. 2 birthdays. 2 christmases. Poor, poor children.

And id bet any money when dad lived with them he spent the same amount or less quality time with them as he does now. Thats the case with a lot of nr dads.

funinthesun19 · 12/02/2020 19:41

@funinthesun19 I read that as the actual parents need a treat. This money is going to have to stretch further and further. I think the DH should treat his ex-wife as well out of it. Family money after all.

Oh no I meant the dh’s sons.
Yep, the ex wife deserves some of it too. Can’t forget about her.

HillAreas · 12/02/2020 19:42

isn’t it that which helps them grow up feeling valued?
Why would they feel undervalued by their siblings mother treating her if their father didn’t make them think they were entitled to an exactly equal share of all their SM has to offer her child? Why can’t they just understand that they have their mum and dad who love and value them and their sister has her mum and dad who love and value her and that’s that?

comingintomyown · 12/02/2020 19:42

Sorry but what a ridiculous fuss of course you should take your DD out if that’s what you want . I can’t stand all the counting and petty adding up of whose had what, particularly as you sound very even handed.

cstaff · 12/02/2020 19:43

I know it's not how you operate OP but after mentioning the boy's jumpers maybe you should make a list of things you have bought for the boys and how much you spent without a second thought without telling your dh cos this is the type of thing that mums do. This might open his eyes to how much you do for them. He is being ridiculous.

funinthesun19 · 12/02/2020 19:44

They already have to split their time between their two parents knowing dad is there all the time for their half sibling. Being excluded from days out just adds to that.

But their dad isn’t going. The op is. They’re not being excluded because there’s no obligation to take them in the first place.

WombatChocolate · 12/02/2020 19:44

This isn’t about rules is it! It’s about being on the same page with the other adult about how you manage money and spending and children. There are lots of different workable outcomes but they need to be agreed and both to be happy with them.

That hasn’t happened here. That’s the issue. And the children are potentially those who will lose out through the adults in their family being at odds about these kind of things. It can happen in any family but is more likely in blended families and blended families do have to almost over-think it to avoid difficulties.

It seems to me that many don’t genuinely commit to the whole new family idea. They want a new partner but don’t really want extra kids. But you can’t have the partner without the kids!

Swipe left for the next trending thread