Giving money to DC but not Step DC

[Fetchit]

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

Blended families have to work hard to treat people equally. If people maintain separate finances it can be more difficult. If people favour their own children over other children who have been absorbed into the family, it's really difficult.

Step parents aren't under any more obligation to have shared finances than anyone else, and many parents don't choose to do it this way. In a step family there is all the more reason to keep finances separate, because the family responsibilities are not equal and shared by all - a step parent is not responsible for their step children so why should they pay a share that is more than their responsibility? Some may choose to largely put all their finances into the family pot (like OP), but it should not be a prerequisite of being in a relationship with someone with a child to put all your own personal earnings into funding them. They need only accept that their partner is responsible for them.

Rather than thinking if the money as yours,not wih as you wish, can you think of it as family money? Can you have a love ell day out with your DD having agreed that the other children will have something similar at a later point?

Again, why should it go into the family pot? It was her accident, it is her money. She has said he should do something similar at a later date but out of his own money.

I know you aren't the boys' mum, but they are now part of your family and parents need to go out of their way to treat children equally, which doesn't always mean identically.

Yes, parents do, but not other family relations including step parents. All being a step parent means is that she is married to their parent and accepts their responsibility to them, not that she accepts that same responsibility herself.

Its fine for you to treat your daughter to a special day out. As long as you dont object when/if your H spends £££ on his boys on a day out- that would be a nice thing to do too right? that would make it equal and fair.

Rather than thinking if the money as yours,not wih as you wish, can you think of it as family money?

I just want to hit my head on my desk.

SHE HAS SPENT MOST OF HER ACCIDENT MONEY TO CLEAR THE WHOLE FAMILY DEBT, MOSTLY FROM A HOLIDAY THAT THE BOYS WENT ON. I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to spend the small amount left, however she fucking wants.

Honestly op I think if your husband said he was going to take his two sons out, because they needed it and spend 200 quid on each of them , but not your daughter, you would have something to say about it. Something along the lines of she's your kid too. No way you'd say ok to her being excluded as you're making out

Of course she would have something to say! And rightly so. He is father to all three of the children!
The op is mum to only one of the children so it’s not comparable. Nice and convenient to pretend it’s comparable though isn’t it?

It's funny because I think people always focus so much on what is fair for the step kids in these scenarios that the resident child often gets overlooked completely

I dont agree they get overlooked "completely". You also have to remember that the resident child has their parents together. They have a complete family unit. the step kids dont. They have gone through parental separation and had to get used to a step parent. Its not equal because the step kids have been through a family breakup so their emotional needs may well be more pressing than the child who has grown up with their family intact.

As long as you dont object when/if your H spends £££ on his boys on a day out- that would be a nice thing to do too right? that would make it equal and fair

@MimiLaRue the OP has said MULTIPLE TIMES that this has what she's already suggested to her partner.

This place is doing my head in. One day people will RTFT.

Your money, your child.
YANBU.
Sometimes it's just not possible for everyone to be treated the same, at the exact same time. You and your daughter are entitled to have some time on your own, and for you to spoil her a bit.
Have fun!

You also have to remember that the resident child has their parents together. They have a complete family unit
Yes because that completely negates them missing out on anything else. Your parents being together totally makes up for that.

I dont agree they get overlooked "completely". You also have to remember that the resident child has their parents together

So what?
This argument really gets on my nerves. A child no longer having their parents together is absolutely no a reason for them to be pandered to. Especially by someone like the op who isn’t even their parent!

Should second children actually be grateful for their parents being together and not enjoy things away from older half siblings just because their parents are still together?
What if them being together is not a positive thing? What if the parents fight and argue? A day out wouldn’t fucking hurt

Yes because that completely negates them missing out on anything else. Your parents being together totally makes up for that. hmm

It’s like if they go through any shit in their little lives it’s ok, mummy and daddy are still together
Oh sorry darling, you can’t go to the trampoline park because it’s not fair on your older sibling who is having fun with their own mum. But it’s ok, your parents are still together! Woohoo.

You also have to remember that the resident child has their parents together. They have a complete family unit. the step kids dont. They have gone through parental separation and had to get used to a step parent. Its not equal because the step kids have been through a family breakup so their emotional needs may well be more pressing than the child who has grown up with their family intact.

Noone has forgotten that, it's brought up so often on step parenting threads to justify all manner of preferential treatment. Their emotional needs MIGHT be greater but parents separating is not the only reason a child can be struggling and OP has made it clear that her daughter is struggling whilst her step sons are doing fine.

If I were you I'd give at least a little something to your step-children - even if it was 20% of the money or something small - and still have the special shopping day with just you and your daughter. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

You seem very determined to stick to your guns on this one though so tbh I can't see the point of the thread.

Go ahead and have a lovely day with your DD. People are being bloody ridiculous. I expect they’re the ones who buy all their DC a gift on each ones birthday as no little precious can ‘miss out’.

You see I don’t agree that as step parent they don’t become part of your family. Although different to the original family, a blended family is a family.
I honestly believe that for it to really work, however hard, the adults have to fully embrace the children that come along. Yes they might have another parent and family elsewhere but they need to feel fully a part of both families and not as if they are just a visitor to the step parent.
Funds might be kept separate but joint decisions about big treats be made. Op can spend the money she sees as hers on her DD if she wishes - it doesn’t really work though as a plan unless the boys get a treat at some point whoever pays for it. So if DH doesn’t agree to this, I don’t think op should go ahead.
If a step parent doesn’t really feel the other children have become part of their family and they’ve only chosen to be with the man, I think that’s a real shame - actually more than that. If you go into a relationship with an adult who has children of an age to be at home, you get the whole package - not to replace another parent, but to become part of the new family. And there’s a lot involved in that and fairness is a big part that both adults have to work hard on, because things aren’t simple. Some things like an expensive treat for one with no intention from anyone to give similar to the other children at some point is bound to be divisive and speaks volumes about lack of being on the same page or actually valuing all the children.

I still don’t understand why a child’s “pressing emotional needs” mean they are entitled to take from their younger half siblings every single bloody time
One way to raise a brood of fucked up kids is to make one set think they are entitled to everything from everyone and another set think they must always put up with being sidelined or their needs minimised because their parents are still together.

What @WombatChocolate said.

I have 2 DD with my husband and I take them out individually for mummy daughter days. Can't see this as being any different really! Go and enjoy x

Its like the "if you cant take your step kids on holiday you shouldnt go at all ever"

Even though your step kids might go away 3 x with the other parent. In the eyes of mn its better the resident child misses out on everything rather than the step kids missing out on some things

wombat they clearly are part of the family as op pays 50% of costs whilst theyre with her. Why should dd miss out?

f you can’t spend money on your DD without also treating his DC, then their mother can’t spend money on them without also treating your DD. If they ever get anything from their mother that your DD doesn’t also get then it’s unfair.

This. In buckets!!!

But it's not just about the money. Your DH is absolutely insane if he believes that you can never go out alone with just your daughter for an enjoyable day out in case your dsc feel left out.
Even if they were full siblings I'd expect you to be able to do this. In your case, your dsc don't even live with you full time. Presumeably, their mother spends time and money on them, without your dd getting the same?

@WombatChocolate

Step parents do become a part of the step children's family, yes, but that does not mean they become their parents. No other family member, uncles and aunts, grandparents etc, have the same level of responsibility for a child as their actual parents. They may love them and have a good relationship with them, but they are not responsible for them. To my step son I am a part of his family, yes, but his parents are the ones responsible for him, he knows and accepts that in the same way he does about his grandparents without being emotionally damaged.

I just do not buy that step parents should have to take on the same responsibility as a child's actual parents, unless it is an adoptive situation. I am aware that my partner and his son come as a package and have accepted his son into my family, but not as if he was my actual child. I think that is perfectly healthy.

Do it. Take your daughter out while the boys are with their mum. I'm sure they do things with their mum when they ar there so it's always your daughter missing out. Build memories take her out and have fun

So taking on board all the comments about how unfair this is lets imagine the OP takes DD to buy, say, a bra. After that they have a McDonalds.

Then the boys must be notified that DD has received this treat, and receive a bra (or lets be kind and say the same £ worth in socks) and a burger each. Or they will be damaged for life. The dad could e-mail them, maybe text, or sit them down and say look sons, I need to tell you that whilst you were at your mum's the other day, your evil Step Mum took her DD to the shops. I know its awful, but if I bung you a twenty each, can you forgive her?

I've only got girls who I take out together or alone and we do different things, clearly I have fucked this right up. Thank god I didn't have different sex children I've made enough of a mess as it is. I'll get them those little cash record books and they can definitely tally it all up. Funnily enough DD2 needs a new bra, but DD1 wants me to pick up some deoderant for her. I will need to account for those costs of these things, and pay DD1 the difference accordingly. Plus half the cost of any lunch we might sneakily consume.

You've got to have a system and stick to it eh? Otherwise its just NOT FAIR.

That argument about the boys’ mum taking the op’s child out - I can see where the logic in that is actually.

Both women are mums to their own respective children and have no obligations to take each other’s children on a day out. They are on equal footing. So if one “must” do it then why can’t the other?

I have 2 boys and one girl and DD and I frequently go off for girly weekends. I think it's quite a normal thing to do.
No one bats an eyelid here.
Your DH is implying that you are favouring your biological child. I'd be furious with him.