Giving money to DC but not Step DC

[Fetchit]

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

Anyone else on MNs that wants to spend one on one time with their child is encouraged. In fact, exDH’s are torn apart for not spending one on one time with their children away from SM. But a SM that wants to spend one on one time with their own child...nope! Not allowed to happen. It’s not fair on the others!

I used to think that step parents were bottom of the totem pole. But the more I read on here, the more it seems that the children of step parents are in fact bottom place. Not permitted to do anything really, because apparently it’s not fair!

@wigglewaggle01
How is that the same?
The boys mother has nothing to do with their half sister, she isn't a step parent to the girl.. The sister lives with her mum and her dad, plus the boys live there 3 days a week with their dad and step mum.
But I am sure it wouldn6hurt to spend a day with her daughter, as long as the rest of the time the boys aren't treated as outcasts.

I don’t think YABU at all

I have 2 children and often get one thing for one and nothing for the other

Not in a horrible way. But if one needs shoes. I don’t get them both shoes. I buy what we need.

I have no problem with the general idea of treating different children at different times. So a girls day out one time is fine, if broadly speaking there will be similarish/equal treats for the others provided by a parent at another time.

However, I don't like the idea of a windfall being spent on just one and not others. That doesn't seem even-handed.

So, if you are able to think of this money as simply absorbed into general family funds and then this day out is simply one treat day amongst many which happen over time, I'd think it was okay. If you can't do that, then I'm not so happy about it.

Blended families have to work hard to treat people equally. If people maintain separate finances it can be more difficult. If people favour their own children over other children who have been absorbed into the family, it's really difficult.

So this is something you and your DH need to agree and find a way forward on. Rather than thinking if the money as yours,not wih as you wish, can you think of it as family money? Can you have a love ell day out with your DD having agreed that the other children will have something similar at a later point?

The fact the boys have a mum of their own who can treat them, isn't the point really in my mind. You cannot control what she does, but you can control the way your family deal with the 3 children which are part of it.

I know you aren't the boys' mum, but they are now part of your family and parents need to go out of their way to treat children equally, which doesn't always mean identically. So I'd say the day out is only really okay if it's agreed with your DH that at some point the boys will have similar - quite where the money comes from isn't the point, but it probably would help if you don't see the money as yours in a personal sense but something for your family.

The situations are not comparable.

Of course they are comparible.

The OP's DD's life can't go on hold for the four to five days a week that her half brothers aren't around.

My step-mums mum passed away recently and SM inherited some money.
She gave more to her DC than me and my brothers. I wouldn't for one moment consider that unfair.

I have 2 dc. Sometimes 1 gets things and the other doesn't. Ds1s phone costs about £20pcm more than ds2s.
They don't care.

Have a nice girly day with your DD.

As they don't live with you full time I think it's fine. They can't all be treated in the same way unless his X is going to buy your girl presents when she treats the boys.

The boys will be getting treats and one on one time from their DM, why is OP's DD not entitled to the same? Why must she share every single penny and minute when the other children don't have to?
Absolutely this.
Enjoy your day with your dd op

The OP's DD's life can't go on hold for the four to five days a week that her half brothers aren't around.

Absolutely.

I see no problem with what you want to do. You can't put things on hold for your DD for the rest of her life because she happens to have 2 brothers even if they were biologically yours sometimes you do things with just one child.
My sister has a 6 year old and a 1 year old. She frequently does things with the 6 year old because she still needs to feel special but when her brother is big he will have things just for him sometimes too.
Enjoy your girls day OP

I think what you are suggesting is fine.
It's your money not family money.
And your daughter will enjoy the treat.
Sure the boys will get other treats either with their dad or mum at some point.

It 's your money up to you how you spend it.

Enjoy your day out with your dd. Ignore your dh. He is talking b.s. Your dd sounds like she could do with a break and some tic.

Your dss don't even live there. Just go out on a day they are not around and they will know no different. If their dad insists tell him to do something with them that they enjoy, go to a match etc.

It's funny because I think people always focus so much on what is fair for the step kids in these scenarios that the resident child often gets overlooked completely.

This!!!
When my DC was younger his father was so fixated on making sure his teenage DS didn't feel left out that he barely showed any attention whatsoever to our joint son because "he lived with him". When in reality they slept under the same roof and that was near the extent of it, when DP came home from work and DS was off to bed, then his days off were spent with his other son 1-on-1..because "babies are boring to teens".
Drives me crazy how often DC from second relationships are treated like second class citizens compared to DC from first relationships.

Honestly op I think if your husband said he was going to take his two sons out, because they needed it and spend 200 quid on each of them , but not your daughter, you would have something to say about it. Something along the lines of she's your kid too. No way you'd say ok to her being excluded as you're making out

I am struggling to believe this is how you wish your blended family to work, but you are setting the ground rules, but you're doing it with the caveat he can't really do the same as she is also his

You keep saying it's because she's having a hard time, but we all know fully it doesn't take a lot of money to give a child a treat day. Certainly not a couple of hundred quid. You could easily give her a fab day out, just the two of you for much less than that. Easily. You could have already done so if you had wished to.

It just comes across you don't want to spend any of the money on his children, and rather you and your daughter get full benefit.

On this, I'm sorry but I agree with your husband. Have a cheaper day out with your daughter alone if she is struggling , then do a family thing with the rest of the money. Win win.

Honestly op I think if your husband said he was going to take his two sons out, because they needed it and spend 200 quid on each of them , but not your daughter, you would have something to say about it. Something along the lines of she's your kid too. No way you'd say ok to her being excluded as you're making out

You have no idea how the OP would react to her husband treating just his sons. I guess this is the point where posters start making things up.

Honestly op I think if your husband said he was going to take his two sons out, because they needed it and spend 200 quid on each of them , but not your daughter, you would have something to say about it. Something along the lines of she's your kid too. No way you'd say ok to her being excluded as you're making out

Well yes bluntness ops husband has 3 children. He should treat them equally. Op only has the one.

YANBU

treat your daughter and have a lovely day out

I certainly wouldn't be happy with your husband having an opinion on this.

I think if the boys were with you full time then a bit more of a division might be nice but dictating what you do with your child and money when the boys are with their mother would piss me off no end.

Have a lovely day with your DD.

Your husband sounds a bit of a twat for not realising that his daughter might benefit from having a lovely day with her Mum.

Well done OP for having your child's back.....i

Not a step parent, or a blended family in any way so perhaps I shouldn’t comment...but...

I have two sons and a daughter, each of them very different children. I can perfectly imagine using a small windfall like this to pay some bills and then perhaps have a special day out with one of them. Whichever seemed to need it, or had missed out recently for other reasons...

Being fair and equal isn’t always about sharing out exactly, it’s also about ensuring they have their needs tended to as individuals. And sometimes that’s about taking an opportunity for one-to-one time.

I imagine it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking your daughter gets lots of 1-1 time because her brothers aren’t always there...but it sounds likely that a lot of the special days are saved for when her step-brothers are there, so this sounds like a nice opportunity to redress that.

Honestly op I think if your husband said he was going to take his two sons out, because they needed it and spend 200 quid on each of them , but not your daughter, you would have something to say about it. Something along the lines of she's your kid too. No way you'd say ok to her being excluded as you're making out

The OP only has 1 child. The husband has 3. The step children are not her children and there is absolutely nothing wrong with treating her daughter 1:1 on occasion and spending any amounts she wishes.

If her husband wants to treat his children then he has 3 and should treat them equally.

Sigh, I think both posters are missing the point. The op is saying if he wished to do the same for his two boys she would have no issue.

I'm disputing that, because as you both say, her view is he has three kids so should treat them equally, so she wouldn't accept it.

YANBU, OP
Have a lovely day with your DD - obviously a day when your stepsons are atb their mum's

It comes back again to the fact that a stepmother is NOT a mother

MN gets furious when stepmothers dare to encroach
and insist that stepmothers shouldn't have the same rights to make any important decisions,
they shouldn't go to parents evenings, decide haircuts, discipline the kids etc

Therefore stepmothers don't have the same responsibilities to share every single treat with their stepchild

Most Stepmothers would be leaving all or most of their money in their will to their biological children, not their stepchildren

A day out is a lot less than most future inheritances

Bonkers, we do this with our DC, both seperately and together. 1;1 time is really important. Perhaps this is a good reminder for your DH to do something with each of his DC as individuals. Doesn't have to cost him alot.

Enjoy your day out with your DD.

I have boy/girl twins - we have brought them up not to expect indentical things like this - we cater to their interests. I would think nothing of taking my daughter on a shopping trip to treat her after exams or whatever. My son hates shopping so he would consider this a punishment. My son likes football so will go to some matches when they are on - we don't do tit for tat ie we don't say he can only go to one football match because she has only had one shopping trip.