Giving money to DC but not Step DC

[Fetchit]

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

sharing this money would be unfair on your daughter - because your stepsons effectively have 3 people giving them stuff (maybe 4 if their mum has a partner) yet she only has two

THIS!!!!!^^

PLEASE point this out to your DH OP!!!

@Fetchit do it, go out for the day with your DD and have a lovely time. Maybe buy a small gift for each Step Son whilst you’re out if that helps appease your DH.

Ignore the hateful comments and don’t feel that you have to defend yourself to people here, you and your DD deserve time together and as a fair few PP have already said, does your SS’s Mum treat your DD when she takes her DC out? I’m guessing not (sorry if you’ve answered that one in the thread already).

OP I think you know that you are right and your dh is making you feel like you are a bad person but you really, really are not.

Surely their mum would do the same for them if they were in a bad space. Just like you are doing right by your daughter. And the truth is that you only have one child so do not feel guilty for that fact.
I personally think it would be awful by your daughter to please everyone else and not her.
Use this as an example to make it clear to your husband where you stand on such situations.

He cannot counter argue this because he has three children. And two of those children have their own mother!!

If he harps on about being fair to his 3 children, then ask him when is the boys mother taking your daughter out because it would not be ok to leave one of his 3 children out. because he is all big about fairness

You spend money on a dd. Day and let your husband have a boys day. Stick to your guns. X

But there’s just this one pot of extra money to go round, yes?

And there's no reason why OP's DH shouldn't put his own funds in if he wants to make that pot big enough to treat his sons.

I don’t think treats should be directed at one child and not the others. Resources should be shared.

Then perhaps the source of the resources should be a shared responsibility between both parents. OP has already shared this particular resource in a big way by paying off the family credit card debt, and you can be sure that the sons benefited from whatever was bought with the card.

I think a lot of woman are raging hypocrites about this on here. A man must always treat his step child exactly the same as his own children, as must his family. A woman can pick and choose it seems

No way! I think if the man is father to all of the children then yes he should treat them the same and make time for all of them. Stepchildren are different and a man should focus on one on one time with his own. Exactly the same for a woman.
In this case they are half siblings and the man is father to all of them but the woman isn’t. The same logic still applies - she should concentrate on one to one time with her own child. I’d say the exact same if it was a man.

Presumably the boys won't even be there when OP takes her daughter out?! It will make no difference to them.

Ah. Is the issue maybe that you think your husband treats the boys more favourably to your daughter?

Genuine Q based off your last post that’s all

Do it. Even if they were all your own kids I'd still say do it.

I take my kids out individually for days out. Go to gigs, or places they'd like.

I've taken my step kids for days out without my kids.

As long as it's not so skewed that one is getting far more time/attention/money than another I don't see a problem with it.

Bottom line: I don’t see why the op’s dd should get less from her mum in favour of the other two children who have their own mum. Why should the other two children get the op as well as their own mum, and the op’s dd gets less time, attention and money as a result?

You are bang on with your last response OP, I have yet to see a thread about a step child struggling that isn't filled with responses saying the dad should take them out for 1-1 time, including if he also has a child with the OP. Why on Earth is this any different? I think you need to have a conversation with DH about what his expectations are of you as step parent, because he seems to view it like they are all your children and it is not for him to dictate that you must see it that way.

You are bang on with your last response OP, I have yet to see a thread about a step child struggling that isn't filled with responses saying the dad should take them out for 1-1 time, including if he also has a child with the OP. Why on Earth is this any different? I think you need to have a conversation with DH about what his expectations are of you as step parent, because he seems to view it like they are all your children and it is not for him to dictate that you must see it that way.

Presumably the boys won't even be there when OP takes her daughter out?! It will make no difference to them
That! I bet it's a lot of aggro over nothing. Take your dd, just maybe say to her not to go on about it when her half brothers are around. I bet they won't care one bit.

Sorry, didn't mean to post twice.

If your treat fund is say £1000 a year and all children get equal treats that equates to approx £333 a year.

But as others say, your sons are only there 3/7 days (let’s say 1/2 to make the maths easier). What happens in the other days is not your concern and you are reasonable to expect them to enjoy treats when they are with their Mum.

Therefore treats should be pro rataed to ensure strict fairness. So the treat fund should be split £500 to daughter, £250 to each son.

So if your husband wants it fair, he should be allowing your daughter a much bigger share than she currently gets. And what you propose is a good way if evening it up.

do both. spend the money on a family day and do something less costly with your DD

OP take your dd out and enjoy a girls day with her. Ignore your dh and pp’s.
I’ve done days out regularly with my dd since she was quite young. She’s 28 now.
My ds went to the football with his dad. It’s never caused a problem.
My dd and I have had holidays etc on our own. My dh has never had a problem with that. And if you’ve spent most of your compensation on joint debt I think you’re entitled to spend the rest as you choose.
If you can’t spoil her nobody can and assuming the boys are older I’m sure they’ll understand.

do both. spend the money on a family day and do something less costly with your DD

She already has. She's paid off the family debt which was for a holiday including the DSs.

A man must always treat his step child exactly the same as his own children, as must his family. A woman can pick and choose it seems

No way, that reverse thread where the man was paying for all dates for woman who had DC, I said that he shouldn’t be expected to pay for all dates just because she had DC living with her.

Your latest windfall aside, would you ever do different things with different DCs? I find it really hard to understand how strict fairness could be enforced. Is it equality of funds, of time, of opportunity, or of outcome, that forms the paramount rule in your household?

So, if one child does an activity for an hour that costs £10, must the other two also spend an hour doing something? Or have £10 spent on them? Or gain equal enjoyment from something that might take more or less than an hour and cost more or less than £10?

It's just not possible to be perfectly 'fair' in every way, at all times.

Why did you feel the need to discuss a day out with your daughters. I would have just done it.

I think it’s fine.

I've already said he can do the same with his sons if he wants

Why would that be your choice to make?

If you can’t spend money on your DD without also treating his DC, then their mother can’t spend money on them without also treating your DD

It’s really not the same thing at all. OP has made a choice to be a part of her DSS’s lives and have them as part of her family. There is a level of responsibility that goes with that. Treating the children fairly is a part of that. The ex hasn’t had any kind of day in the OP being a part of her children’s lives and has no responsibility whatsoever towards the OP’s child. The situations are not comparable. Convenient, however, to pretend it is.

That said, I don’t think the OP is in the wrong in this particular situation.

Saraclara.
Exactly,why can't people read the thread properly.Its there right at the beginning.
She pays half of all household bills including everything for the boys.She has painost of her compensation money to pay off the credit card used to pay for a holiday that includes the boys.
The left over she want to use for her DD and herself for a day out the cheer up her daughter who is being bullied at school.

YANBU.

I say that as someone who is very sensitive about SC being treated unfairly.

I have five children. Yesterday I bought my daughter a small treat because there was something she had wanted for a while. I didn't go and spend the same amount of money on my other four children. I gave some money (a very small amount) to one of my sons because he is out of work and struggling a bit. I didn't go and give everyone else the same amount, if I did that no one would ever be treated.

Your daughter should not be denied treats and 1-1 time with you OP just because she is in a blended family.

Being treated fairly does not mean everyone gets treated the same all of the time.

@Fetchit I couldn't agree more with this:

It's funny because I think people always focus so much on what is fair for the step kids in these scenarios that the resident child often gets overlooked completely.

Ex DP and I have since split up but I was the mother of the resident child and it got to the stage where I felt I couldn't spend anything on her because I was always told it wasn't fair that step DC x3 weren't getting the same, even if they didn't need it. I bought clothes for her before she was born and was told that step DC should have gotten the same. They already had overflowing wardrobes!

Now we've split up and have nothing to do with any of them I can spend what I like.