Happy to be told I am BU but is this rude?

[Dollywilde]

Four people sat a table at the pub. Three of the four having general chit chat/catch up. Person 4 only speaks to answer questions directly addressed to them about their own job/life/family. Doesn’t ask anyone else any questions, or say anything in response to the chat of the three. Doesn’t contribute to the conversation except as above in response to direct questions about them. This person also spends the duration of the conversation (30 mins or so) fiddling with a cocktail stick on the table. They were not forced to come along, and when later asked say that they like all the people who were there and that they weren’t bored by the discussion.

I think this is rude and think that most 10 year olds (let alone 30-somethings) have mastered the basics of turn taking in conversation, showing interest, and not fiddling with stuff (which gives the impression they are bored regardless of whether they actually are).

Their view is that the reason they didn’t speak is because they were making an effort to listen, and that they looked up at those speaking regularly while fiddling with the cocktail stick.

YABU - this is fine
YANBU - this is rude

Very happy to be told IABU if I’m overreacting.

Is this someone with full cognitive function, good mental health etc? Do you know this person?

Some people can dominate conversations so others can’t get a word in.

Some people have eg autism and don’t pick up the social clues that come naturally to others.

Some people are naturally introverted and happy to listen.

Some people listen better when they’re fiddling.

We’re all different. Everyone wanted to be there, listening and contributing in their own way. Can’t see the issue.

This is your husband? I don't think it's necessarily rice to not be as chatty as others, of I was I've of the other two I might just think he had something on his mind if he's usually more engaged. If he does it all the time is be asking if he's uncomfortable in social situations, if he was I'd go to things without him (also wouldn't have married someone like that because I'm a very sociable person).

Maybe they're shy or an introvert. Someone people find it hard to join in conversation and prefer to sit and listen and find it easier to answer questions.

Maybe they were having a bad day and had lots on their mind.

Personally i don't see it as rude everyone is different and some people aren't as good in those sorts of situations

Some autistic may behave like this. I may find it hard to know the right time to start talking - I often speak over other people or miss a turn to talk because I’m not sure.
I need something to occupy my hands, I very often have some knitting or crochet with me to help.

Is this person having a bad day? Is this person an introvert? Are they tired?30 mins isn,t that long.

Some people really struggle with small talk, feel socially awkward or find it hard when other people are more chatty or outgoing. They might have felt crap, not really enjoying the evening or many other reasons.

It's impossible to really say more based on the info you've given.

I wouldn't mind the fiddling, that can very much just be a habit. Thinking about it most people I socialise with will fiddle with something it's not remotely considered rude.

The not engaging in conversation can be rude but it depends if the person is naturally quiet or perhaps the conversation was just dominated by the others. Without more information it's very hard to tell.

It is fine. As long as conversations are flowing, they are happy to be there.
Have you ever gone out with the quietest person alone, are they chatty.
It might seem rude to begin with. How well do you know the person.

If you know them well and this isn't normal behaviour, they don't have anxiety issues etc and you are certain they didn't have something serious on their mind (sick relative, mega stressful day at work tomorrow, etc) then yes a bit rude, assuming the other three aren't excluding them due to topic (eg talking about someone they don't know, or periods if they are female and fourth is male). But not rude if this is due to them having anxiety issues, not being able to pick up on social cues or a myriad of other things that might not seem "normal" to you but which are normal for them due to mental health or non-NT traits. So certainly shouldn't think rude if you don't know them well.

Was this person interrogated and harangued about their behaviour at the end of the social occasion and asked to defend it? That sounds much more rude than not joining in a conversation (which may not have been of much interest to them).

This is horrible! You have no idea if that person has social anxiety, something worrying on their mind etc. Jumping straight to rude is BU!

Is it your DH.
If it was DP in couples I would find him awkward and rude as he is not usually like that.

Were they listening in and nodding along?

Introvert?

I think this is fine. I am super social and hugely garrulous in general but even still sometimes I just have listening moods where I want to be more lean back than lean in. If they were listening then absolutely fine; quiet, not rude.

Sounds like my dh (except for the cocktail stick - he would probably play with a napkin or beer mat/coaster). He is just quiet in social situations, but enjoys listening to everyone sharing their news and views.

People can be introverts, or struggle in social situations you know.. Do you know this person well enough to make an actual judgement on their behaviour/reasons for it?

I'm an introverted fidget, tbh it takes me a lot to mentally prepare for a social gathering with more than one person so by the time I'm there I'm happy to listen and only join in when appropriate.

Fidgetting helps focus my attention and stops my brain wandering off into the sunset!

Hadn't occurred to me that people I'm close enough to accept an invitation/invite out would think I'm rude...

YABVU

Does person 4 know everyone else in the group as well as persons 1,2 and 3 know each other?

Did the general chit chat involve people or situations about which person 4 was unfamiliar?

I was quite shy and reserved when I was younger but in middle age I think I am reasonably good in social situations. However I have been in social grouping sometimes when I have found it very difficult to join in. E.g. everyone else in the group knows people you don't or remember events before you were a member of that group and discuss them at length; everyone else is an avid football fan and can talk at length on a subject I really cannot contribute to.

My instinct would be that your conversation excluded person 4, perhaps unintentionally, and they were doing the best they could.

Maybe take a step back to consider who was the rude one here.

What Tigerty said to begin with and so many others have supported.

How do you know this person ?

Obviously your DP.

So you want him to behave in a certain way because you're embarrassed by him and think he should make an effort for your friends to like him?

God forbid someone fiddles with a cocktail stick

Sounds autistic to me. Particularly the fiddling, sensory behaviour to be able to concentrate on what is being said. ASD parent here, what you describe is familiar. So no not rude, just managing a social situation.

Speaking as an ambivert, I do think you are unreasonable. Maybe this person just couldn't get a word in because the othef three never paused for breath? Some people are listeners and not talkers, it doesn't mean that they are not interested.

Depending on who I am with, I sometimes fiddle with something, but it is a comfort thing, not a disinterested thing.