Happy to be told I am BU but is this rude?

[Dollywilde]

Four people sat a table at the pub. Three of the four having general chit chat/catch up. Person 4 only speaks to answer questions directly addressed to them about their own job/life/family. Doesn’t ask anyone else any questions, or say anything in response to the chat of the three. Doesn’t contribute to the conversation except as above in response to direct questions about them. This person also spends the duration of the conversation (30 mins or so) fiddling with a cocktail stick on the table. They were not forced to come along, and when later asked say that they like all the people who were there and that they weren’t bored by the discussion.

I think this is rude and think that most 10 year olds (let alone 30-somethings) have mastered the basics of turn taking in conversation, showing interest, and not fiddling with stuff (which gives the impression they are bored regardless of whether they actually are).

Their view is that the reason they didn’t speak is because they were making an effort to listen, and that they looked up at those speaking regularly while fiddling with the cocktail stick.

YABU - this is fine
YANBU - this is rude

Very happy to be told IABU if I’m overreacting.

YABU

What Tigerty said. I can’t get a word in edgeways with some of my friends! Also, has he had his hearing checked? People often don’t realise they have hearing loss.

“Maybe they were having a bad day and had lots on their mind. ”

This.
You sound rude self centred and judgemental op

YABU. Some people really struggle with social situations. I'm one of them. I'm very shy unless I know all people very well and tend not to talk unless spoken to as I'm worried I'll say the wrong thing/ act the wrong way and then it'll play on my mind constantly for days afterward that is acted that way. I will also fiddle but not on purpose to be rude it's just a nervous trait.

Oh dear. Sounds like it's your significant other.

I haven't voted. They'd annoy me too, by what you've posted, but too much depends on dynamics and other factors you can't tell from a post.

I think the fact you have posted means their behaviour was not as it usually is. They do sound rude. Would they be happy for you to behave like this?

I find some of my DH's very boring. One talks about cars and things I am not the least bit interested in. I wouldn't chose to go out with them but if we happen to be in each others company, I can hold a friendly conversation with him. I wouldn't disengage from a social situation because I didn't want to be there.

This would bother me if he were my partner or family member or a friend I was introducing to the other two, because that would make me feel like their behavior reflected badly on me.

Otherwise, no, it wouldn't bother me. There are shy people in the world.

Do you know the person definitely isn't autistic as this would be very typical behaviour. I probably come across like this in certain social situations. Any ten year old can 'master the basics' but perhaps not all of them actually.

YANBU and were you out with my husband?
The older I get the more I resent doing all the social work (as it were).

TechnicalSergeantGarp:I find some of my DH's very boring. One talks about cars and things I am not the least bit interested in. I wouldn't chose to go out with them but if we happen to be in each others company, I can hold a friendly conversation with him.

How many DHs have you got? You sound v interesting.

Sounds like how someone would describe me. I am extremely awkward until I get to know someone very well. If we can get past that phase, I make a great friend and am a decent conversationalist.

I am too old to have a diagnosis, but having been through the process with my dd, suspect I would have a non-nt label had I been born in a more recent generation.

OP how was your evening?

YABU. I fiddle on social situations. I can also struggle to get involved in conversations. I'm introverted and socially awkward, always have been. As I get to know people more, I'm a lot better but will still fiddle.

I find it difficult talking in group situations, I find people too overbearing and can’t get a word in, I find it difficult to find common interests with people at times, but in other situations I’m great, it just depends on the people in that group, and how much socialising I’ve done that day. Maybe he’s an introvert too, or maybe he just doesn’t have much in common with the people of the group.

Everyone has their own personality. Some people are very good conversationalists, other people are not. If they enjoyed the night and other people enjoyed the night what is the problem?

P.S I am very chatty so not defending it because I relate to it but just because everyone is allowed to be different to you without you thinking that they are rude.

I can see why people might jump to an 'autistic' diagnosis, but that's rather a dramatic assumption. I'm a quiet and thoughtful person and sometimes find conversation around me quite shallow and I have nothing to add. I also find that I often can't get a word in edgeways when people have had a drink or two. I'm interested to listen to others, but I might lack knowledge of the context and cannot offer an opinion. I'm animated and talkative and sometimes garrulous when with close and long term friends. Not so much, maybe, with forced company. Fiddling with things is a pretty normal listening aid. I'm not a fiddler but my dh will shred a beer mat whilst chatting.

I think this person is being way over-analysed. We are not all the same. We are all different. On another night, with different 4 people, OP might be the quiet fiddler whilst her dp or bf (I'm assuming) chats away to people with whom s/he is more familiar on subjects with which s/he is more familiar. You don't have to be autistic to find small talk tedious.

Another vote for YABU.

Sometimes I can be chatty and sometimes I enjoy listening (esp after a long day or stress). You said Person 4 answered questions, so s/he was taking part, just not as much as the rest of you. 30 min is a pretty short conversation anyway.

agonyauntie should read DH's friends . No brother husbands here.

OP, as someone who is both autistic and not much of a talker unless I know the people really well, YABVU. And if a bunch of people are going to be talking about someone or something I don't know, I'm not going to say much, am I?

YANBU, I know how frustrating that is for people but I am the 4th person in this situation, love listening to people hate offering my own thoughts but will reply when asked a question. I never had any siblings or cousins growing up so I always joke I wasn’t socialised well as a child! 🙈 I don’t think I spoke to another person my age until primary school...

They sound anxious and introverted or lacking confidence, not rude.

Rude would be constantly interrupting (because of not valuing what the other people were saying rather than from an inability to judge gaps in conversation), belittling other people for their comments or looks or being sneer.

This person sounds quiet, introverted, socially awkward, autistic, tired, stressed and/or anxious. But not rude. I hope the OP didn't have a go at this person.

Unless he's coming across as rude and quiet or sulky and quiet, yabu. Like lots of pp on here, I am socially anxious and much more a listener than a talker. And listening is a very good quality in a person - it would be ruder to be too talkative in a conversation and not listen to anyone else.

I am introverted and quite shy so if I feel uncomfortable in a situation especially when I don’t really know everyone there, I act like this too. I have also been told I am rude or aloof in the past but I’m genuinely not, I just shut down and struggle in social situations sometimes.

@neddle

Is this autistic behaviour? this sounds so much like me.