Happy to be told I am BU but is this rude?

[Dollywilde]

Four people sat a table at the pub. Three of the four having general chit chat/catch up. Person 4 only speaks to answer questions directly addressed to them about their own job/life/family. Doesn’t ask anyone else any questions, or say anything in response to the chat of the three. Doesn’t contribute to the conversation except as above in response to direct questions about them. This person also spends the duration of the conversation (30 mins or so) fiddling with a cocktail stick on the table. They were not forced to come along, and when later asked say that they like all the people who were there and that they weren’t bored by the discussion.

I think this is rude and think that most 10 year olds (let alone 30-somethings) have mastered the basics of turn taking in conversation, showing interest, and not fiddling with stuff (which gives the impression they are bored regardless of whether they actually are).

Their view is that the reason they didn’t speak is because they were making an effort to listen, and that they looked up at those speaking regularly while fiddling with the cocktail stick.

YABU - this is fine
YANBU - this is rude

Very happy to be told IABU if I’m overreacting.

I struggle to hear when there's a lot of chatter going on and need to concentrate more on what people are saying. Maybe it's the same for your friend.

My dp is almost exactly like this in social situations, especially ones where he is very very close to the people as in directly related or known for 20 years type close, even with them he is still on the quiet side.
He is autistic though and while he can appear rude to strangers he is actually trying very hard to be in the situation and stay present because his brain won't allow him to participate in a normal way, he becomes quite socially paralysed but he is listening and he does want to be there.
Iv found that only certain people dismiss him as rude and right him off, and actually in the end it seems to be people who I eventually find arent people who I like very much for other reasons too. the ones who try with him especially in the early part of knowing him find him an immensely likeable and loyal friend.

Of course sometimes people are just arseholes and I can't tell you from this little info if this person is or not.

I think you are being massively unreasonable, but there again I hate being stuck between people who are set to 'broadcast' (a term I saw on here) and don't allow you to get a word in edgeways and talk over you when you do try and speak!

I would also say that you really don't like person 4 at all, so if this is your DH that is sad. I am wondering why you would feel in the right enough here to actually speak to them about behaviour you don't like tbh (you have given their reasons for being quiet which means that you must have asked them!)

Perhaps he/she is just shy/anxious while in company? Some people just aren't that social while in big groups. We're all different.

Oh and also Iv started to lose my hearing so Iv become much quieter recently because I struggle to follow conversations and even more in pubs or restaurants etc as they generally have lots of other noise which makes it much harder.

Hi, OP here. Sorry for silence, I posted this last night after an evening out and then fell asleep. Read responses this morning but only just had an email re the tag - when I looked this morning there were only a handful of posts before 2am, it's kicked off a lot since about 11.30 today.

In answer to a few questions:

• Yes my DH
• He's not autistic, or introverted. He's really sociable and gregarious with his friends. I find it difficult that he doesn't seem to make an effort with some of my friends; I suspect he doesn't gel with them (which would be fine, although he insists he does get on with them!). But I think that even if you're not interested in what someone's talking about, it's still polite to chip in every now and then with a 'oh, god, that must have been annoying' or 'so what did you do next?'.
• The conversation was about a range of topics - the families and lives of people he has known for over a decade. They were asking him about things in our lives to try and engage him in the conversation, he answered those questions but didn't ask any back.

I'm not embarrassed by him but I was upset at the lack of effort yesterday evening. Sometimes I think you do just have to grin and bear it even if you're tired or aren't feeling it.

I've spoken to him today and he's apologised to me for not making more of an effort, though he still thinks it's not rude. I've apologised to him for badgering him about it.

Looks like the majority agree with him so I'm happy to take the pasting. This certainly wasn't meant to be an introvert-bashing thread or trying to be rude about people with social anxiety; perhaps I didn't include enough context (I was trying to be as neutral as possible last night about the facts to get a balanced view that wasn't tempered by my gripes!) I get really anxious in social situations and I definitely over-compensate; I suspect that my hyper-vigilant brain going 'everyone must contribute! People think you're rude if you don't show interest!' isn't helpful in these scenarios.

Much as I don't particularly like being told I'm being U I do accept it! I know we're all different and I love my husband to bits, I just find it hard when he doesn't 'fake' an interest because I feel like that's the sort of politeness that does make the world go around. Sorry again for delay in coming back to the thread, the last thing I'd want is to be accused of rudeness too!

Actually there is such thing called an introversion. A person may not be talkative and it is okay for some people to listen without saying something unless being directly asked. Plus there might have been people who were leading the conversation and the person 4 didn't have a chance to support it because of lack of time to say something or simply not knowing the topic.As a person who keeps the silence usually I would say YABVU.

Where is OP, just lurking and fiddling with a cocktail stick?

Two posts up fairy.

Oh whoops, cross posted there. Why the name change OP?

My OH is like this with some people, I used to have to say to him 'Your mother's speaking to you'! Why does everyone have to conform to some given norm? Maybe he/she thought the conversation was boring, we have friends who talk of little but golf, yawn yawn.
Not everything needs a label attaching, people have differing personalities, that's all.

it is not rude. could be shy

Oh and I really do like (and love) my husband an awful lot! Just to the poster above suggesting I don't . I was pissed off last night and wanted some objective views hence the wording but he really is my favourite person ever even if he does have some really annoying habits like not being able to fake an interest in the minutiae of other's lives... I am well aware I have stacks of my own irritating traits too.

You could well be talking about my son. He has Asperger's Syndrome and cannot make small talk, nor does he feel comfortable in the pub so he now avoids going as he knows he will be judged which has a knock-on effect on his mental health.

@Fairenuff - is it showing a name change? It's coming up as dollywilde on all of mine. Had NC earlier for another thread but had changed back for this one as I know how irritating it is when OP posts aren't highlighted...

You’ve missed the capital D

This could easily be me. Shy, low self-esteem, introverted and suffering from anxiety. I'm better with just 2 people.

Bollocks. Thanks @PurpleDaisies

No problem at all-my other username is PedantDaisies.

Earlier I said that YBU and, along with others, thought it was probably due to introversion, shyness etc.

Given your update, then I'm more inclined to think YNBU. If your dp is sociable and outgoing with his own friends, then he's probably capable of making a bit more of an effort with your friends.

He's not autistic, or introverted. He's really sociable and gregarious with his friends.

That doesn’t stop him being anxious in social situations with people he doesn’t know that well, OP.

How is the person's hearing? If they are developing a hearing loss they may be having difficulty following the conversation and not understanding why. One of the first symptoms of hearing loss is that you feel left out of other people's conversations - while they are wondering why you don't join in!

Additionally, there are loads of people in the world who are happy to sit and listen quietly. They're introverts. They give extraverts the audience they need.

Actually with the further context, I think it was rude. He makes the effort for his friends but can't even feign interest for your's. Don't invite him along next time.

@1066vegan

I'd totally agree that there's nothing wrong with being shy etc and that I really haven't given enough context in hindsight for people to make a suitable call. I mean, he's definitely not Mr Dominant Personality with anyone, but when we're with my friends he'll take a back seat in conversation and I suspect he lets his mind drift. When we're with his friends, even if it is a chat about someone else's family/job I'll pay attention and try and give some cues that indicate I'm interested, whereas I think he just doesn't feel an equivalent need.

Lesson here is that absence of context is unhelpful even if you are trying to be neutral. (For example, one thing I didn't mention is that I'm pregnant and the baby's moved and twanged my sciatic nerve in the last few days, so suspect being the only sober one with a painful arse probably didn't do much for my short temper last night...)

@heartsonacake We've been together over a decade, married 5 years and I lived with one of the people in question for 2 years before he and I moved in together. We've also been away on holiday as a group a couple of times - he definitely knows them well.

This is me. I prefer to listen. I'm an introvert but love being around friends, so would speak much. Remember not everyone is the same.