Happy to be told I am BU but is this rude?

[Dollywilde]

Four people sat a table at the pub. Three of the four having general chit chat/catch up. Person 4 only speaks to answer questions directly addressed to them about their own job/life/family. Doesn’t ask anyone else any questions, or say anything in response to the chat of the three. Doesn’t contribute to the conversation except as above in response to direct questions about them. This person also spends the duration of the conversation (30 mins or so) fiddling with a cocktail stick on the table. They were not forced to come along, and when later asked say that they like all the people who were there and that they weren’t bored by the discussion.

I think this is rude and think that most 10 year olds (let alone 30-somethings) have mastered the basics of turn taking in conversation, showing interest, and not fiddling with stuff (which gives the impression they are bored regardless of whether they actually are).

Their view is that the reason they didn’t speak is because they were making an effort to listen, and that they looked up at those speaking regularly while fiddling with the cocktail stick.

YABU - this is fine
YANBU - this is rude

Very happy to be told IABU if I’m overreacting.

YABU. I’m like this because of Cognitive problems and can’t really have conversations in person as it’s hard to follow conversations. You’re being rude questioning them.

Well you've just described me when I'm with more than one person, I find it very difficult to have conversations with a group of people. Also I'm always fiddling with something, if I don't have something to do with my hands I'll pick the skin on my lips till they bleed, which isn't a good look.

YABU - some people just enjoy listening more than contributing. They said they wanted to be there and enjoyed the conversation so what's your problem?

You are being unreasonable
I suffer social anxiety, I do however force my self to do things I find really hard. That situation would have being one of them and that would have being me struggling to talk and join in and possible after feeling a totally failure if I could pick up how you were feeling towards me.
people like you make me think it's just better to not even try.

It could be lots of things. In a noisy pub I struggle to hear conversation sometimes, which means sometimes I end up just not being involved. Some work days are so tiring that I almost literally struggle to put a sentence together and need to concentrate more to make sense of what other people are saying. When I have been suffering from low mood/depression in the past I just haven't felt like actively conversing. In all these situations I value the people I'm with but its just not my time to sparkle. At other times I'm also guilty of monopolising conversation because I have a lot of energy and a lot to share.

Autism was my first thought as this is how my autistic daughter acts. So it could be that or they could be shy or have worries or just enjoy listening to the conversation. They're hardly rude or hard work. YABU.

I think it's rude to post on AIBU, ask for opinions off people and then scarper.

This person also spends the duration of the conversation (30 mins or so) fiddling with a cocktail stick on the table.

A classic displacement action, often used to (unknowingly) self soothe during times of stress or worry.

YABU and completely intolerant.

I know people like this. Yes it can be taken for rudeness, but it's usually either one or a combination of things, being shy, lacking confidence, not having anything in common, being an introvert or having an off day.

I didn't used to speak much in a group I didn't know very well when I was a teenager as I wasn't confident of my opinions and felt terribly self-conscious. Also I liked listening to others. Nowadays it depends on the group, but it's quite a long time since someone has described me as "quiet" or "aloof" which I used to hear all the time in my teens and twenties.

They call me "quiet girl", but I'm a riot

YABVU. It sounds like they have anxiety in social situations, hence playing with the cocktail stick and only answering when spoken to.

I used to be like this. I might have liked everyone I was with and I might not have been forced to come, but that didn’t make it any easier for me. I still found it awkward and uncomfortable and I could only speak when spoken to and not partake myself.

Don’t be so judgemental and nasty, OP.

Yes, also not being able to hear properly can make someone seem rude. Even not being able to hear in one ear when I had an ear infection, I felt really cut off from conversation.

This is probably me in social situations at the moment. I'm 31, going through premature menopause and coming to terms with the fact that after all interventions have failed, I'll never have kids. My concentration is shot, I can't sleep due to anxiety, as well as night sweats and hot flushes, and suffering from myriad other menopausal symptoms that have hit me like a ton of bricks. But most of my friends don't know, and my life is carrying on as normal (work, personal care, marriage, obligations etc) so there aren't any outward signs I am struggling. However, it probably does make me look bored, distracted and uninterested sometimes.

Assuming you know the person is well, and they are not struggling for any reason, it still doesn't sound as though they were rude, just not conforming to expectations of a group conversation. If they say they were happy, why does it matter! Just leave them alone and let them behave however they feel comfortable.

YABVU

Maybe not rude exactly, but bloody hard work. They are probably shy or just quite boring people who can't think of anything interesting or relevant to ask or say.

I find people like this annoying, especially one to one, because it puts too much pressure on me to try to fill the gaping voids in the conversation, so to avoid those long and embarrassing lulls.

It's almost as annoying as those people who just hold court and just talk at you endlessly without asking you anything about yourself, or pausing to check that you haven't fallen into a coma. It's just this fucking impenetrable wall of information about themselves. Now that is rude.

@Dollywilde I’d say it’s not as rude as asking a question on here then pissing off and ignoring all the replies 🤷🏻‍♀️

Did op come back? Clearly not "happy to be told" she's BU!

@Dollywilde

i think it's rude to post on AIBU, ask for opinions off people and then scarper.

YABU, maybe they were just very shy or nervous. I have been that person before now and it was not because of rudeness, just because when I was younger I was extremely shy and wouldn't talk if I didn't know the people well.

Introvert doesn’t mean you are unable to ask “where are you from?”
“What do you do?” ffs. Half the population tends toward introvert! When among strangers you have to suck it up and be awkward.

The person is either rude or suffers from extreme social anxiety/shyness/mental health issues, which is a whole different thing to “introvert”

Social anxiety, Boy!
Sometimes I'm the most engaging person in the room.
Other days I can barely make eye contact.

I really wish people wouldn't leap from "quiet in social gatherings and prone to fidgeting" to "ASD". I find it quite hard to be "on" if I'm not in the mood. I think you're being a bit unreasonable, but at the same time it does kind of depend on the degree - I can see that it might have affected everyone else's experience if he was just a complete conversational black hole.

While it is a cliche to try to explain every oddity of behaviour in terms of 'he may be on the autistic spectrum', I think this sounds not unlikely here. The fact that listening takes effort and concentration and is not automatic; that he answers direct questions but does not 'make conversation' readily; that he needs to be doing something repetitive with his hands to calm himself down; all sound like possible indicators to me.

Even if not autism, it could be another type of communication problem. The simplest explanation might indeed be a hearing impairment: if like most restaurants it was a bit noisy, and if others didn't realize that he would need to look at their faces, then he might have found the situation tiring and difficult, however interesting the people and conversation were to him.

Do you know him well? If so, is this behaviour typical of how he acts when in a group of people, or is it something unusual?

In any case, I wouldn't call it rude, especially as he did respond to direct questions and approaches. Odd maybe, but not rude.

OP you have described me. I am very quiet (generally) and am happy to listen to conversation going on around me but won't engage unless directly asked a question. I am not being intentionally rude but I am very bad at 'small talk'. Social anxiety has been used to describe me in the past.

It may come across as rude to some but in in some social situations i often feel anxious or awkward and can't think of anything to say and sometimes fiddle with things