Happy to be told I am BU but is this rude?

[Dollywilde]

Four people sat a table at the pub. Three of the four having general chit chat/catch up. Person 4 only speaks to answer questions directly addressed to them about their own job/life/family. Doesn’t ask anyone else any questions, or say anything in response to the chat of the three. Doesn’t contribute to the conversation except as above in response to direct questions about them. This person also spends the duration of the conversation (30 mins or so) fiddling with a cocktail stick on the table. They were not forced to come along, and when later asked say that they like all the people who were there and that they weren’t bored by the discussion.

I think this is rude and think that most 10 year olds (let alone 30-somethings) have mastered the basics of turn taking in conversation, showing interest, and not fiddling with stuff (which gives the impression they are bored regardless of whether they actually are).

Their view is that the reason they didn’t speak is because they were making an effort to listen, and that they looked up at those speaking regularly while fiddling with the cocktail stick.

YABU - this is fine
YANBU - this is rude

Very happy to be told IABU if I’m overreacting.

I would avoid going to the pub with this person again. He or she sounds hard work.

How are they hard work? If they're more of a listener than a talker then the other 3 can just crack on with their conversation.

I think looking at this from another point of view, that I would consider the other people rude for not making more of an effort to draw the other person into the conversation. Were they struggling to hear (my DH does in busy places, which means by the time he's worked out what's been said the conversation has moved on)? Was the topic something that the other 3 had more in common about? Just asking questions doesn't count, by the way, that can come across as an inquisition.

turn taking in conversation

I'm 50 and struggle with this! If I'm with more than one person I find it difficult because I will wait for one person to stop speaking, but then someone else starts saying something. If I say what I want to say I end up talking at the same time as the other person! I then have to either "back down" and let them talk or try and plough on regardless! I have no idea why I can't naturally do this like other people but it makes me not so keen on group situations.

If I was feeling nervous in some way I might fiddle with something too as a distraction. So, on the limited info you have given us, I can't say if this person was being rude or not.

Purely based on the info in the OP, then yes, YABU. Very unreasonable.

With more info/context about several things - such as the occasion, the people involved, whether this was out of character for the person involved - I might change my opinion.

I think rude because of the cocktail stick. If they were an introvert then I could understand being more reserved but constant fiddling with cocktail stick says boredom to me.

It's polite to show an interest in other people, it's how social occasions work. If, for whatever reason, this isn't you then next time stay at home. YANBU.

Haven't read the full thread, but I'd just like to say that this sounds exactly like me when I'm forced to go out and "socialise" when my anxiety is playing up.

I just can't think of anything to say to people, whereas normally I'd be okay, and I do also fiddle with things on the table as well.

I am not rude when I do this, I am surviving. And FWIW, when people DO try and include me and direct a question at me, I'm equal measures relieved and thankful, but also wanting to escape somewhere so that I don't have to answer, as I don't know what to say.

You can't always just dismiss people's behaviour as rude if you don't know what's causing it.

The world needs listeners too. What's your problem, you sound irrationally angry about it

YABU some people are just naturally quiet or like to sit back or even struggle in groups even with small talk. Leave them alone.

Some people prefer to sit back and listen, especially in larger groups of people. Some people are natural fiddlers. Some people are shy and/or socially awkward. Some people can't be bothered trying to get a word in edgeways. Some people have trouble following a conversation in noisy surroundings. As long as this person was not sitting there sighing and yawning and was answering the questions being addressed to them they weren't being rude at all, unlike perhaps the person judging them.

I wouldn't jump to rude. My first thought would be that the person was perhaps introverted/shy/socially anxious.

If none of the above, what reason do you have to suspect the person of being (deliberately?) rude, rather than accepting their explanation at face value?

I don't think the person was rude, unless they were sitting there with a scowl on their face or rolling their eyes when others spoke.

You get a mix of people in a group and the more socially aware tend to notice when someone's being left out of the conversation (whether through their own shyness, other people's dominance, etc) and will make an effort to bring them back in, by asking them questions directly, etc.

DH has a couple of sets of friends like this. Answer question, but don’t contribute otherwise. They are hard work and I only invite them round infrequently. I end up starting and finishing some questions my self! Eg...‘ we had a lovely holiday over the summer in xxx - have you been there? (They answer no), no, neither had we etc....,,,
Tiresome.

Cringe. I'm a listener not a talker, this has probably been me many times. Cut them some slack there are any number of reasons they might have behaved like that!

Sounds like someone having a bad day.

Sounds like introversion. Some people only contribute when they think they have something interesting to contribute and they enjoy listening. At the other extreme, some can’t bear silences and want to fill every gap in conversation with pointless waffle and inane comments, which is probably worse!

I do agree though that to ask no questions at all to a group of three people is lacking in effort - it’s a basic social skill. Even if it’s hard work to do for an introvert, some small talk is always requisite in a small group situation lasting more than a few minutes.

If you're talking about someone you know well and who was acting unusually, then I agree that you're not unreasonable to think they were behaving rudely.

For example, an ex-p of mine used to behave like this in the pub with my friends. He strongly gave off "I'm bored/uninterested/superior" signals by being disengaged from conversation, fiddling, not looking at anyone. He would also say afterwards that he WAS interested. He thought the fact his non-verbal cues communicated something different to everyone and made them feel uncomfortable wasn't his problem. It used to really annoy me because I generally think that it's polite to participate, show you are listening, and so on. And if you don't want to be there and can't pretend otherwise, then leave.

If you're talking about an unfamiliar person, then I'd agree with PPs that you don't know enough about what may have driven that behaviour to judge.

It sounds ok to me. I’m shy and it takes me a while to get going in a lot of social situations. If the conversation is flowing without me I prefer to wait and listen until I feel I have something of value to contribute.

I’d be very embarrassed if anyone pulled me up on this.

Some people are better 1:1.

I think it’s more rude to dominate the conversation and ask lots of nosy questions.

But I’m quite the introvert.

I don't think they were rude exactly. But I can also understand (assuming that they're 'attached' to you) that their behaviour was embarrassing for you.

I've been on both sides of this. I used to be very shy and pretty much only ever listened in group settings. However I did learn to engage with people over time.
The fiddling with a cocktail stick, for whatever reason, does give a really bad impression that the person is bored, or more interested in the cocktail stick than the company, so yep, I'd be embarrassed if he was my other half, or my guest.

So yep, I can understand that the person was uncomfortable in the situation, but at the same time, how their behaviour was seen by others, needs pointing out to them.

You could literally be describing me. My hearing is poor and in situations where there are lots of people talking I struggle to follow the conversation. And filter out background noise. Lip reading helps, but it's tiring. It can also be impossible if people turn away or I have to fill in words.

Unless they're not normally like this, and it's some kind of sulk, then YABU. Not everyone is an extrovert.

Wow OP, don't be so horrible. It sounds to me like they are more of a reserved / introverted type of person and were happy to let others take the lead of the conversation and join in when asked about themselves. You are being massively unreasonable. It's not rude at all. People are different you know.

Rude. And I'm an introvert.