Happy to be told I am BU but is this rude?

[Dollywilde]

Four people sat a table at the pub. Three of the four having general chit chat/catch up. Person 4 only speaks to answer questions directly addressed to them about their own job/life/family. Doesn’t ask anyone else any questions, or say anything in response to the chat of the three. Doesn’t contribute to the conversation except as above in response to direct questions about them. This person also spends the duration of the conversation (30 mins or so) fiddling with a cocktail stick on the table. They were not forced to come along, and when later asked say that they like all the people who were there and that they weren’t bored by the discussion.

I think this is rude and think that most 10 year olds (let alone 30-somethings) have mastered the basics of turn taking in conversation, showing interest, and not fiddling with stuff (which gives the impression they are bored regardless of whether they actually are).

Their view is that the reason they didn’t speak is because they were making an effort to listen, and that they looked up at those speaking regularly while fiddling with the cocktail stick.

YABU - this is fine
YANBU - this is rude

Very happy to be told IABU if I’m overreacting.

*Wouldnt

What a lot of excuse making posts when it was pretty obvious the OP was talking about her DH, she'd hardly be posting if she knew he was autistic or socially awkward.

It took me a while to find your update OP, maybe you could post again without the name change

Just realised what I'm calling 'lack of context' could more accurately be described as 'drip feeding'

Sorry if that is the case. Above was written in grumpy rage last night...

One of my friends does this. We are a group of 5, plus partners, but no pressure for us all to attend everything we do as a group. She often just sits and doesn’t join in or messes on her phone rather than chat. She has no other issues and tbh, I wish she wouldn’t come if she is going to act like a sulky child the whole time she is there.

Thanks @coconuttelegraph - reposting my update from 13.44 so it shows up properly.

"Hi, OP here. Sorry for silence, I posted this last night after an evening out and then fell asleep. Read responses this morning but only just had an email re the tag - when I looked this morning there were only a handful of posts before 2am, it's kicked off a lot since about 11.30 today.

In answer to a few questions:

• Yes my DH
• He's not autistic, or introverted. He's really sociable and gregarious with his friends. I find it difficult that he doesn't seem to make an effort with some of my friends; I suspect he doesn't gel with them (which would be fine, although he insists he does get on with them!). But I think that even if you're not interested in what someone's talking about, it's still polite to chip in every now and then with a 'oh, god, that must have been annoying' or 'so what did you do next?'.
• The conversation was about a range of topics - the families and lives of people he has known for over a decade. They were asking him about things in our lives to try and engage him in the conversation, he answered those questions but didn't ask any back.

I'm not embarrassed by him but I was upset at the lack of effort yesterday evening. Sometimes I think you do just have to grin and bear it even if you're tired or aren't feeling it.

I've spoken to him today and he's apologised to me for not making more of an effort, though he still thinks it's not rude. I've apologised to him for badgering him about it.

Looks like the majority agree with him so I'm happy to take the pasting. This certainly wasn't meant to be an introvert-bashing thread or trying to be rude about people with social anxiety; perhaps I didn't include enough context (I was trying to be as neutral as possible last night about the facts to get a balanced view that wasn't tempered by my gripes!) I get really anxious in social situations and I definitely over-compensate; I suspect that my hyper-vigilant brain going 'everyone must contribute! People think you're rude if you don't show interest!' isn't helpful in these scenarios.

Much as I don't particularly like being told I'm being U I do accept it! I know we're all different and I love my husband to bits, I just find it hard when he doesn't 'fake' an interest because I feel like that's the sort of politeness that does make the world go around. Sorry again for delay in coming back to the thread, the last thing I'd want is to be accused of rudeness too!"

Leave them be. Maybe this person could pick up on your vibes and it made them nervous/ on edge.

Awww, social anxiety is a thing and can effect people's behaviour. They genuinely are usually trying their best.

We've also been away on holiday as a group a couple of times - he definitely knows them well.

Okay, OP. That doesn’t stop him being anxious in social situations with people he isn’t that comfortable with.

And no, you can’t say he’s comfortable with them because you can’t get inside his head to know that, same as you can’t say he isn’t anxious.

Flabbergasted majority of people think this is acceptable behaviour for an normal adult.

If everyone behaved like this there would literally be NO conversation, just people sitting around waiting to be asked about themselves.

Surely everyone is allowed an off day though?

it's still polite to chip in every now and then with a 'oh, god, that must have been annoying' or 'so what did you do next?'.

I agree with this. But if you think about it, does your husband really speak like this with even his own friends? Because the sort of behaviour that you describe when being in the pub is quite an end of a spectrum and it seems a big leap to the normal behaviour in the paragraph above.

This is sexist but I also have found IME that men are terrible at this sort of thing and in a social situation will generally talk about themselves and show none of the interest you have exampled above.

@Chamomileteaplease - no I'd agree he doesn't do that with his friends, I assume because he's not having to 'try', but does that mean that if you're not interested that gives you an allowance to not try at all? As in it's a binary thing for (in your example) men whereas women have a middle mode of 'I'm not interested but I'll speak up' which they don't?

@heartsonacake Point made about anxiety/comfort levels but I was just responding to your suggestion that they were 'people he doesn't know that well'. He insists he likes them but I agree I can't see inside his head to see if he is correspondingly relaxed and comfortable with them.

Less rude than starting a post and disappearing.

If it was a one off or rare occurrence then I'd say let him off. I'm like that at times if I'm especially tired or stressed, or someone has irked me in some way and I'm just quietly annoyed about it!

WIth your full information, your DH was being a bit rude by not doing the social minimums to engage, but nothing outrageous. I'm sure the pain and sobriety made it more irritating for you, but I'd let it go.

I think that the lack of effort with 'your' friends devalues you and YANBU. On the other hand if he finds socialising an effort, he may have felt that as they're your friends it was okay to relax and make very little effort. Going forward - now he knows that this bothers you - if he doesn't try a bit harder next time to show interest in your friends; then you would be quite within your rights to be pretty pissed off.

@mintymabel I replied an hour ago (admittedly there's an issue with highlighting because of a dropped capital in my user but I've posted since with correct username so it should be showing up). I originally posted late at night and checked in on my lunch hour as soon as I received an email tag (hadn't checked during the morning while at work).

@Arthritica I'm definitely aware I overreacted and the way I've portrayed it in my OP is unhelpful. I still think his behaviour was rude (though aware this puts me in a minority on the thread!) but we've spoken this morning and moved past it despite not entirely agreeing entirely on that point!

Obviously he's more comfortable and relaxed with his own friends than with yours.
If he really appeared bored, he was being a bit unreasonable and possibly rude if they noticed.
But unless it's repeat behaviour, I don't think it's a huge deal.

Based on the update, I think he was rude too, OP. These are people he knows well, people who'd expect him to be joining in and showing an interest in them. And fiddling with the cocktail stick definitely would give these people the impression that he was bored by them.

I'd have been as pissed off as you.

95% of replies on this thread are no longer relevant. Being MN it won't stop another 50 posters telling you he's autistic or has social anxiety though!